Jakata
Central Defender
Can empathise with your postsEvening all. Not posting this for support or for anyone to read, just need to vent.
I'm so f***ing tired of talking to people.
1) It doesn't seem to work, it's just broken down my resilience instead.
2) Plenty of people "checking in" don't actually give a fuck, they just want the inside story. This is one of the drawbacks of being open about your issues. I'm usually polite, but I'm coming close to telling a lot of people to fuck off.
3) I actually think the world is f***ing shit right now and most people are *****. The last few weeks have really brought that home for me. People with vile f***ing opinions on other humans, and almost as bad "trolls" who actually spend their own precious time trying to annoy, insult, hurt other people. Just fuck off. I've got rid of my social media (not that I used to use much anyway) and I'm spending a lot less time on here (certain forums within the site anyway). I'll probably just leave it altogether soon, it's a waste of time.
I spent time with friends over skype last week doing puzzles, this online escape room thing, just for a bit of interaction and I wasn't far away from a panic attack. Maybe not the best type of game to play but I've created a f***ing panic room in my own home. That room where my computer is, which I associate with work and all the selfish ***** playing politics and trying to get ahead at the expense of others and now symbolises lockdown where I've been for 3 months now on my own. I've seen 1 friend and on a handful of occasions had chats with my neighbours and that's it. I think I'm developing some level of agoraphobia because this government has lied so much that you can't actually trust them saying it's safe. I have to use my own common sense for that and I'm not convinced yet. I want to see the fallout of the last few weeks first.
I think the complicated thing is that I've been in this head space for 2 weeks solid now and I don't actually see the benefit of getting better. I don't see a future out there for me that can be happy. I've spent a bit of time on these meds but I'm not doing it anymore. They leave me groggy throughout the next day and there are so many different side effects. I just don't trust anti-depressants. I think they''re pretty much a con. The ones that work do such fucked up things to your brain that leave you partly numb. That's just not right for me.
The only thing working for me right now is escapism. Books, Music and some games. Escapism is the only thing I can cope with because I'm just done with everything else. I'm trying to figure out if I can just put a healthy routine together still based on escapism. Just do healthy stuff but solitary. Just walk with music on and nobody else around. Keep a work schedule and do a proper job without giving a fuck about the people/politics etc. Shut everyone out and carry on, tell them I'm fine and see if I come out the other side somehow.
There's 3 people in the entire world that I'm not annoyed at right now. My brother who I used to have an uneasy relationship with but over the last year has actually become a top bloke. A friend nearby and one who's away in New Zealand. Again, it's challenging. I don't really want to talk to them about my shit. I want to hear about them, things going well in their lives give me one bit of happiness, but it's to maintain 2 way dialogue without opening up.
Honestly, it feels like the only way out of this is to embrace this society which has become completely sick, selfish and disgusting to me and I don't think I want to. Not sure where I go from here.