Depression

Evening all. Not posting this for support or for anyone to read, just need to vent.

I'm so f***ing tired of talking to people.

1) It doesn't seem to work, it's just broken down my resilience instead.
2) Plenty of people "checking in" don't actually give a fuck, they just want the inside story. This is one of the drawbacks of being open about your issues. I'm usually polite, but I'm coming close to telling a lot of people to fuck off.
3) I actually think the world is f***ing shit right now and most people are *****. The last few weeks have really brought that home for me. People with vile f***ing opinions on other humans, and almost as bad "trolls" who actually spend their own precious time trying to annoy, insult, hurt other people. Just fuck off. I've got rid of my social media (not that I used to use much anyway) and I'm spending a lot less time on here (certain forums within the site anyway). I'll probably just leave it altogether soon, it's a waste of time.

I spent time with friends over skype last week doing puzzles, this online escape room thing, just for a bit of interaction and I wasn't far away from a panic attack. Maybe not the best type of game to play but I've created a f***ing panic room in my own home. That room where my computer is, which I associate with work and all the selfish ***** playing politics and trying to get ahead at the expense of others and now symbolises lockdown where I've been for 3 months now on my own. I've seen 1 friend and on a handful of occasions had chats with my neighbours and that's it. I think I'm developing some level of agoraphobia because this government has lied so much that you can't actually trust them saying it's safe. I have to use my own common sense for that and I'm not convinced yet. I want to see the fallout of the last few weeks first.

I think the complicated thing is that I've been in this head space for 2 weeks solid now and I don't actually see the benefit of getting better. I don't see a future out there for me that can be happy. I've spent a bit of time on these meds but I'm not doing it anymore. They leave me groggy throughout the next day and there are so many different side effects. I just don't trust anti-depressants. I think they''re pretty much a con. The ones that work do such fucked up things to your brain that leave you partly numb. That's just not right for me.

The only thing working for me right now is escapism. Books, Music and some games. Escapism is the only thing I can cope with because I'm just done with everything else. I'm trying to figure out if I can just put a healthy routine together still based on escapism. Just do healthy stuff but solitary. Just walk with music on and nobody else around. Keep a work schedule and do a proper job without giving a fuck about the people/politics etc. Shut everyone out and carry on, tell them I'm fine and see if I come out the other side somehow.

There's 3 people in the entire world that I'm not annoyed at right now. My brother who I used to have an uneasy relationship with but over the last year has actually become a top bloke. A friend nearby and one who's away in New Zealand. Again, it's challenging. I don't really want to talk to them about my shit. I want to hear about them, things going well in their lives give me one bit of happiness, but it's to maintain 2 way dialogue without opening up.

Honestly, it feels like the only way out of this is to embrace this society which has become completely sick, selfish and disgusting to me and I don't think I want to. Not sure where I go from here.
Can empathise with your posts
 


Evening all. Not posting this for support or for anyone to read, just need to vent.

I'm so f***ing tired of talking to people.

1) It doesn't seem to work, it's just broken down my resilience instead.
2) Plenty of people "checking in" don't actually give a fuck, they just want the inside story. This is one of the drawbacks of being open about your issues. I'm usually polite, but I'm coming close to telling a lot of people to fuck off.
3) I actually think the world is f***ing shit right now and most people are *****. The last few weeks have really brought that home for me. People with vile f***ing opinions on other humans, and almost as bad "trolls" who actually spend their own precious time trying to annoy, insult, hurt other people. Just fuck off. I've got rid of my social media (not that I used to use much anyway) and I'm spending a lot less time on here (certain forums within the site anyway). I'll probably just leave it altogether soon, it's a waste of time.

I spent time with friends over skype last week doing puzzles, this online escape room thing, just for a bit of interaction and I wasn't far away from a panic attack. Maybe not the best type of game to play but I've created a f***ing panic room in my own home. That room where my computer is, which I associate with work and all the selfish ***** playing politics and trying to get ahead at the expense of others and now symbolises lockdown where I've been for 3 months now on my own. I've seen 1 friend and on a handful of occasions had chats with my neighbours and that's it. I think I'm developing some level of agoraphobia because this government has lied so much that you can't actually trust them saying it's safe. I have to use my own common sense for that and I'm not convinced yet. I want to see the fallout of the last few weeks first.

I think the complicated thing is that I've been in this head space for 2 weeks solid now and I don't actually see the benefit of getting better. I don't see a future out there for me that can be happy. I've spent a bit of time on these meds but I'm not doing it anymore. They leave me groggy throughout the next day and there are so many different side effects. I just don't trust anti-depressants. I think they''re pretty much a con. The ones that work do such fucked up things to your brain that leave you partly numb. That's just not right for me.

The only thing working for me right now is escapism. Books, Music and some games. Escapism is the only thing I can cope with because I'm just done with everything else. I'm trying to figure out if I can just put a healthy routine together still based on escapism. Just do healthy stuff but solitary. Just walk with music on and nobody else around. Keep a work schedule and do a proper job without giving a fuck about the people/politics etc. Shut everyone out and carry on, tell them I'm fine and see if I come out the other side somehow.

There's 3 people in the entire world that I'm not annoyed at right now. My brother who I used to have an uneasy relationship with but over the last year has actually become a top bloke. A friend nearby and one who's away in New Zealand. Again, it's challenging. I don't really want to talk to them about my shit. I want to hear about them, things going well in their lives give me one bit of happiness, but it's to maintain 2 way dialogue without opening up.

Honestly, it feels like the only way out of this is to embrace this society which has become completely sick, selfish and disgusting to me and I don't think I want to. Not sure where I go from here.
I can echo a lot of those sentiments mate. I try to cling to the notion that the twats are in the minority and people in general are good and are genuine. Its difficult when so much of life is shallow, vacuous and without feeling or care for others.

Do what you have to to get through... be it taking solace in solitude or otherwise. Keep going!!
 
Was thinking about this post this morning.

Maybe because it's a Monday

I had crippling panic attacks for much of last year. It manifested on the journey to work mainly. It got so bad I had to stop driving in and I was scaring the hell out of myself. That decision came after I'd decided to have a run out to Durham and couldn't get home. Was having to stop the car every 10 minutes. Never been so scared. I literally couldn't navigate a hill or cross a bridge for some reason.

Then the bus was just as bad but at least I wasn't putting myself or others in danger. Other times, I got lost in Sedgefield one night. A small place I'd lived in for ages. A 5 minute walk to sainsburys. A walk I'd done countless times. Had no idea how to function. Gf had to come looking for me. Was ridiculous.

It would usually shift once I got in to work. There was one day in particular it wouldn't though. I couldn't settle at my desk, walking the corridors. Tried to go for a walk at lunch time and I just couldn't leave the building. Tried 3 times. Barged in on someone's appraisal and said to manager I had to go home. Still don't know how I navigated the high street and got on a bus.

Would sit in meetings and it would come on. Trying to appear normal while the brain was going haywire counting the clock not knowing whether to flee.

It was actually setraline which eventually helped. But I wouldn't wish them like you describe on my worst enemy.

I was going to pm you but I thought it might be a bit invasive. I just wanted to apologise for being abusive to you on another post a while back. There was no need for it. Its been on my mind but seeing what you're going through made me realise that I owe you an apology. You may not even remember but I was out of order.
 
I was going to pm you but I thought it might be a bit invasive. I just wanted to apologise for being abusive to you on another post a while back. There was no need for it. Its been on my mind but seeing what you're going through made me realise that I owe you an apology. You may not even remember but I was out of order.
I seriously can't remember. Sure it was me?!?
 
Im struggling. Kids absolutely mental with no school for 3 months. Hate working from home and im literally counting down the days until September and hopefully some normality.. but will it be?

Just feel like im in a daze all day every day

:(
 
Im struggling. Kids absolutely mental with no school for 3 months. Hate working from home and im literally counting down the days until September and hopefully some normality.. but will it be?

Just feel like im in a daze all day every day

:(
Just keep on plodding on lad. Keep smiling if you can. Talk if you want. Just heard another lad from Penshaw I know hung himself last night. That’s four lads and a lass I know all from Penshaw who has ended their lives this year man.

I’m here for any fucker and I mean it. The thread does help. I’ve lay with a knife to my throat crying during night wanting to end it a few times. Talking helps. Lots of love rhubarb. Xx
 
Just keep on plodding on lad. Keep smiling if you can. Talk if you want. Just heard another lad from Penshaw I know hung himself last night. That’s four lads and a lass I know all from Penshaw who has ended their lives this year man.

I’m here for any fucker and I mean it. The thread does help. I’ve lay with a knife to my throat crying during night wanting to end it a few times. Talking helps. Lots of love rhubarb. Xx

Cheers mate. Dont worry im nowhere near those types of thoughts... just a bit fed up
 
Im struggling. Kids absolutely mental with no school for 3 months. Hate working from home and im literally counting down the days until September and hopefully some normality.. but will it be?

Just feel like im in a daze all day every day

:(

Fully understand and it’s because everything is rolled into one space.
Not easy but try and add some time alone, outside the house and with new scenery and away from the kids.
The gloom and doom news equally doesn’t help.
Working from home, regular breaks and even a few walks during the day should help. My company really supports this and comes right from the CEO.
Finally don’t suffer in silence mate.
 
Im struggling. Kids absolutely mental with no school for 3 months. Hate working from home and im literally counting down the days until September and hopefully some normality.. but will it be?

Just feel like im in a daze all day every day

:(

How old are they? Is there anywhere you can let them out or take them out where they can run off some steam? Our school is going back in September. I got a big email the other day with how the day will run, distancing and cleaning measures and all that.

Mine was getting cabin fever. I've started letting her out for walks with friends as long as they keep their distance from each other. They take the dog up the woods and play on a rope swing over the stream.
Just keep on plodding on lad. Keep smiling if you can. Talk if you want. Just heard another lad from Penshaw I know hung himself last night. That’s four lads and a lass I know all from Penshaw who has ended their lives this year man.

I’m here for any fucker and I mean it. The thread does help. I’ve lay with a knife to my throat crying during night wanting to end it a few times. Talking helps. Lots of love rhubarb. Xx

That's really sad 😥
 
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How old are they? Is there anywhere you can let them out or take them out where they can run off some steam? Our school is going back in September. I got a big email the other day with how the day will run, distancing and cleaning measures and all that.

Mine was getting cabin fever. I've started letting her out for walks with friends as long as they keep their distance from each other. They take the dog up the woods and play on a rope swing over the stream.


That's really sad 😥

4,7,9. All absolutely fed up and going crazy with lack of sleep etc. We've got a garden which helps but obviously they get bored quick. We try to have days out but then that often can be a chore when youre feeling rubbish anyway.
 
4,7,9. All absolutely fed up and going crazy with lack of sleep etc. We've got a garden which helps but obviously they get bored quick. We try to have days out but then that often can be a chore when youre feeling rubbish anyway.

It's hard on them mind and understand where you are coming from. Play parks and stuff are starting to open again now but depends on how you feel about risk.

Went for a walk along the beach the other day but didn't go in anywhere for food and drinks and I don't feel safe enough to do that yet.
 

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