Child Maintance

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None of this is meant to be accusing towards anybody else. Just stating what happened with me.

When I split with my missus everything we decided afterwards was with the children in mind. We just agreed to share the care and cost of the boys 50:50. No need for solicitors or child maintenance.

My ex-missus was proper pissed off when I left her. It took a good while for her to come round to the fair sharing, with accusations of “you abandoned us” etc. I decided to sit tight and let the dust settle. I could easily have just picked up the boys up from school anytime I wanted. Although I cried myself to sleep each night for a year, time heals and she realises I looked after her and the boys even when we’d split.

We get along OK now and the boys are really happy (we check regularly by talking to them, teachers and parents of friends - important).

Children adapt so long as there is no rancour between the parents, and they have finely tuned antennae. The parents will always be parents even if they are no longer together. Everything should be done with the children in mind. Pissing away 5 large to solicitors for doing next to nothing, when that money could go to pay Uni fees or similar, can always be avoided if the grown ups are grown ups when there are children in the room.

That said, I wouldn’t wish a divorce on my worst enemy. I hope it doesn’t happen to anybody else.
 


Life is not fair for a lot of people....but....it's a case of taking the rules on the chin.
The rules will not be changed by any individual so don't waste too much energy on feeling hard done by.
Basically, as far as child maintenance goes, in terms of what's taken from you to go to your ex and kid(s)...just be comfortable in the knowledge that you are paying your dues and maybe a little personal extra for the kid(s) as treats...etc.

If your wife/partner spends your payments on makeup or saves it for a car, or whatever...then, as long as you see your kid(s) not going without care and essentials, it need not be an issue.

If you suspect that the kids were being mistreated or malnourished...etc... then you have a case and can take it further and maybe get custody.
This does not appear to be the case...and if not, just be happy that you are paying your whack and things are running as smooth as can be expected.

Splitting up when kids are involved is never easy for most who give a sheet....but, if the alternative is staying together in a bad relationship for the kids' sake, then that would likely do more harm than separation and a shared custody or whatever.
It would likely cost you more or similar if you had stayed married, so the only real loss is the divide for the kid(s).
 
The system asks for a ‘primary’ parent which is the bit I don’t really understand - I have the kids 50/50 with my ex, do more school drop-offs and picks-ups, buy their clothes/toys to stay at my house and pay extra for school uniform and stuff but still have to pay her £800 a month.

I don’t complain because it means the kids can stay in my former family home with her but beyond a proportion of the mortgage, in reality the bulk of my money pays for the lifestyle of my ex and her partner. It pisses my missus off more than me but does seem a tad unfair as she’s no more a primary parent than I am.
 
DaftGet said:
And if she decides to spend the monthly extras or any future promotion money on Audi A5 how is that beneficial to my daughter instead of sticking it away in a savings account?

True story is I was furloughed at that time then brought back like a day later he's held this grudge because I dared to question his cushy role in the public sector and as such his job is safe and bring on the we don't want to go back to work as we don't have to.

It spiralled from there. Think he is a teacher.
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The system isn’t perfect, we all know that. But it’s there and it’s about the best that can be done by a 3rd party. The only way for a system to be better is for the parents to sensibly arrange a better one.

It’s also broadly the same system that was in place when you decided to have kids. If you done everything at your end (pardon the pun) to not have kids then you may wish to seek a paternity test.

As for an Audi A5. It’s all relative but without wanting to appear a snob as I’m not. It’s a mass produced mid-size hatchback. It’s hardly an extravagant purchase. As long as your kids are safe, healthy and happy then I don’t see your issue. I don’t know you but things like this can cause divides between parents when they see one spending money that they don’t think is right. I’m sure you’ve spent money that your ex would judge to be extravagant despite not being large. Season tickets, night on the drink, nice clothes, cars. Pretty much everyone has some but we don’t see an issue when we’re buying them.
 
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Napoleon Dynamite said:
Ya daft get
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This. It always makes me laugh when people adopt usernames like "Daftget". It's always going to reduce the number of serious on topic replies you get.

There was a poster on here (and may still be, but under a new name) about 10 years back called himself Magnificent bastard. I'm sure he thought it was a great name, but i doubt he gave much thought to the fact that it was often shortened to "Mag bastard". Lol x 5.
 
ivanthereasonable said:
This. It always makes me laugh when people adopt usernames like "Daftget". It's always going to reduce the number of serious on topic replies you get.

There was a poster on here (and may still be, but under a new name) about 10 years back called himself Magnificent bastard. I'm sure he thought it was a great name, but i doubt he gave much thought to the fact that it was often shortened to "Mag bastard". Lol x 5.
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😀😀

Wasn’t there a professional footy player a few years back called something like Jordi Bastad?
 
Sidewinder2 said:
You should have done what I did. We sat down together and looked at the csa website. Worked out what they say I should have paid and pay that plus more. She then knows I’m being fair and won’t go to the csa as they’ll tell her I’m
Paying too much, especially as I see him more now than when we first split.
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This. And dont tell her when you get a pay rise ;)
 
I have paid for my daughter since we split and will do until she is 19 this year, I also pay for lots of other things and give my daughter pocket money every month

The Ex still twists even though she gets more than she would by going down the official route

But hey 7 more payments then i can up my daughters pocket money and give her mother nowt
 
Do they not take a percentage of your income, 15% or summat? You get a £1000 a year pay rise, she gets £150, you get to keep £850? Sounds fair to me like.
 
Nukehasslefan said:
Life is not fair for a lot of people....but....it's a case of taking the rules on the chin.
The rules will not be changed by any individual so don't waste too much energy on feeling hard done by.
Basically, as far as child maintenance goes, in terms of what's taken from you to go to your ex and kid(s)...just be comfortable in the knowledge that you are paying your dues and maybe a little personal extra for the kid(s) as treats...etc.

If your wife/partner spends your payments on makeup or saves it for a car, or whatever...then, as long as you see your kid(s) not going without care and essentials, it need not be an issue.

If you suspect that the kids were being mistreated or malnourished...etc... then you have a case and can take it further and maybe get custody.
This does not appear to be the case...and if not, just be happy that you are paying your whack and things are running as smooth as can be expected.

Splitting up when kids are involved is never easy for most who give a sheet....but, if the alternative is staying together in a bad relationship for the kids' sake, then that would likely do more harm than separation and a shared custody or whatever.
It would likely cost you more or similar if you had stayed married, so the only real loss is the divide for the kid(s).
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Great post, very sensible points of view.
 
An Audi A5 is far safer than an old run around so if your kids were in a crash would you prefer them to be in a large safe vehicle or an old wrecked car and you were a couple of hundred quid a month better off ?
 
The system is designed to get money out of feckless absent fathers, rather than doting onesand is massively weighted towards the primary carer (ie the one with the child benefit book).
You could be homeless and living in cardboard box and your ex could be a billionaire and you’d still have your csa money taken off your gross pay.
Simoneinzaghi said:
An Audi A5 is far safer than an old run around so if your kids were in a crash would you prefer them to be in a large safe vehicle or an old wrecked car and you were a couple of hundred quid a month better off ?
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What a load of shite
 
Dave Herbal said:
The system is designed to get money out of feckless absent fathers, rather than doting onesand is massively weighted towards the primary carer (ie the one with the child benefit book).
You could be homeless and living in cardboard box and your ex could be a billionaire and you’d still have your csa money taken off your gross pay.

What a load of shite
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Is it a fixed percentage of your gross income?
 
Billy2Sheds said:
This. And dont tell her when you get a pay rise ;)
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If its thru cms they have direct access to your tax files so regardless they can see instantly what you earn. The but that pissed me off is that my wages need to go down by 25% for any changes to take effect otherwise you have to wait until the next tax year for them to re assess you. I pay my ex 500 quid a month with cms and she's constantly trying to get it on colleft and pay system as I then have to pay 20% extra. It's all paid on time so she can't do it but every month she says it wasn't paid on time so I have to send them proof all the time.
 
If you can't spell maintenance ... Your in a job that pay so little you won't have to pay.... I'm guessing op got a paper round...
 
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