What are your go to, never fail to raise a smile, jokes, banter?

tunstall birdman said:
Banter to others and jokes you have used over the years and they can still have life in their delivery?

I'll start with a few of mine.

'What's hairy, sits on a stool and plays the piano?' - Kate's bush


A girl I was chatting up told me she was a veggie. So I replied 'Well, lettuce into your knickers pet"


Next... (As in poster, not the shop. Give us your best/worst)
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Not mine, but my 7 year old keeps telling me the same joke, and even though I obviously know what's coming (and it was an old one well before he discovered it!) it always makes me smile.
He says "why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road?"
"to get to the idiots house"

Then follows up with :
"knock, knock"
"who's there?"
"the chicken"

Every time man, the cheeky little bugger!
 


Chatted up a woman last night, just walked in to a bar where she had just ordered a single drink.
Told her I’d just popped in for a quick one
after some shopping.
Shopping she said, aye I said, Specsavers, Boots, then Greggs.
she smiled and said Ok!! to which I replied yeh these days it’s all Specs & drugs, & sausage rolls 😄
Anyway after I fu**ed her .......
 
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 
Keb said:
The urge to sing the chorus to The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away
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The lead singer of Tight Fit died in a crocodile attack. He couldn't whim away.
Cyborgwithattitude said:
Chatted up a woman last night, just walked in to a bar where she had just ordered a single drink.
Told her I’d just popped in for a quick one
after some shopping.
Shopping she said, aye I said, Specsavers, Boots, then Greggs.
she smiled and said Ok!! to which I replied yeh these days it’s all Specs & drugs, & sausage rolls 😄
Anyway after I fu**ed her .......
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That joke is 🎶very good Indeed 🎶
 
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There's a few but Homer being stuck in the slide on an episode of series2 of the Simpson's where they send a bunch of kids down to unblock him, as the camera curls around to see Homer screaming, arms stuck.
Homer's scream generally.
Daffy Duck getting casually shot in the face at point blank range in "Quack Shot"
Drunken Bakers in Viz.

Had them on my phone to look at on my way to work or when in an unfunny or dull conversation to force a smile
 
Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?


Because if it was small, white and smooth, it would be an aspirin.


(People seem to find it puzzling that I find it hilarious if I tell a joke and absolutely nobody laughs.)
 
Waskerly Mackem said:
Grosvenor House was in the early noughties, where a 17 year old girl allegedly got done by seven Premiership football players. Up to six of them were rumoured to be Newcastle.

She'd supposedly gone to the room with one, just for the rest to turn up.

The story goes a substantial payout was made and all traces of the case disappeared.

'I did not agree to group sex'

The schoolgirl at the centre of the football gang rape scandal has vehemently denied that she consented to group sex with several players.
www.standard.co.uk www.standard.co.uk

This version of the story says four, however, a certain Newcastle stars name features quite prominently.
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Hilarious :oops:
 
What’s green and invisible?

*holds out hand, weighing up and down*

this cabbage.


Almost always splits the audience straight down the middle with either groans or laughter.
 

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