Divorce/separation

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niceonemarra said:
Most of my best friends are married women and I'm single, I get on well with their husbands and although they are well aware their wives obviously fancy me (because they openly say it) they trust them and trust me. I sometimes even take them out for the day and their husbands have no problem with that at all, its just a friendship and that's all it will ever be. The best marriages have a strong foundation of trust and understanding.

To the OP: I recently read that all the negative emotions of a break up lasts around 3 months to get over.
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Your last comment is bollocks like. I have been split up nearly a year, it’s no easier for me and as for my wife she is holding a grudge like no other and to make things worse she got the whole situation hopelessly wrong
 


DPTT said:
Your last comment is bollocks like. I have been split up nearly a year, it’s no easier for me and as for my wife she is holding a grudge like no other and to make things worse she got the whole situation hopelessly wrong
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I originally read it on the BBC website but here is a link >>> According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends. But a separate study found it takes closer to 18 months to heal from the end of a marriage.
Four ways to get over your ex

The 18 months bit wasn't on the BBC website or I just missed it.
 
niceonemarra said:
I originally read it on the BBC website but here is a link >>> According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends. But a separate study found it takes closer to 18 months to heal from the end of a marriage.
Four ways to get over your ex

The 18 months bit wasn't on the BBC website or I just missed it.
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My wife must be a rarity as I don’t think she will ever get over it but on the flip side doesn’t think it’s worth fighting over.
 
Daffy said:
Will she not join you ?
Maybe swimming, walking ?
Try it
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Good post by @Aituk7 by the way. Nailed it in the fist reply imo
Sounds a bit swiss family Robinson but Daffy`s right ,mebbes try buying a couple of bikes and riding out together, if you`s feel the need to exercise make that your "us time" thing, or the gym etc. Date nights arent always about food/theatre/pubs etc
 
niceonemarra said:
Most of my best friends are married women and I'm single, I get on well with their husbands and although they are well aware their wives obviously fancy me (because they openly say it) they trust them and trust me. I sometimes even take them out for the day and their husbands have no problem with that at all, its just a friendship and that's all it will ever be. The best marriages have a strong foundation of trust and understanding.

To the OP: I recently read that all the negative emotions of a break up lasts around 3 months to get over.
Click to expand...
I think you misunderstood what I said. I didn't say anything about women friends - I said being friends with a coworker of the opposite sex is always a bad idea. I've been HR long enough to have seen this become an issue over and over and over again. Attraction is bound to develop because most people spend more time at work than they do at home. That's why it's never a good idea.
 
The Lonious Monk said:
I think you misunderstood what I said. I didn't say anything about women friends - I said being friends with a coworker of the opposite sex is always a bad idea. I've been HR long enough to have seen this become an issue over and over and over again. Attraction is bound to develop because most people spend more time at work than they do at home. That's why it's never a good idea.
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*guilty your honour*
 
You've got two little kids with their additional vulnerabilities to consider here.

Get your arse out of the gym, get the co-worker out of your life and spend that time with your wife and family.
You loved your wife enough to make two children with her.

Talk with her, not to her and if need be seek independent, third party advice.

Sorry to sound a bit harsh, but those are the realities.
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
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you need to spend time with her and not goto the gym for a while ,
At least give it a go ,
Obviously yous both need to want to make it work .

I know your job won’t be helping things mate !
 
dangermows said:
Most break ups happen because one already has moved on.
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It's true. People get stuck in a rut - go to work, go home, eat dinner, sleep, weekends are running errands to take care of things you couldn't do during the week... and repeat, ad nauseum. Soon, the boredom of it all starts affecting the relationship and soon the view becomes that they are stuck in a "dead-end" marriage/relationship.

The trick is to keep the relationship "fresh" by getting out of the "rut" once in a while. Whenever I feel like my wife and I are getting into this rut, I put on the brakes on everything and take my wife somewhere for the two of us to just hang out. Sometimes, it's just something simple like going to a museum but it's just her and I and it helps us breathe again.
 
The Lonious Monk said:
It's true. People get stuck in a rut - go to work, go home, eat dinner, sleep, weekends are running errands to take care of things you couldn't do during the week... and repeat, ad nauseum. Soon, the boredom of it all starts affecting the relationship and soon the view becomes that they are stuck in a "dead-end" marriage/relationship.

The trick is to keep the relationship "fresh" by getting out of the "rut" once in a while. Whenever I feel like my wife and I are getting into this rut, I put on the brakes on everything and take my wife somewhere for the two of us to just hang out. Sometimes, it's just something simple like going to a museum but it's just her and I and it helps us breathe again.
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Good post.

Whereas often people meet someone else, find it exciting (forgetting it was also exciting at the beginning with the missus) and treat the new un better than they do the wife.

Basically you only see/get the good bits with new un, as you don't share the mundane daily shite with them. Although you do eventually, after f***ing off a relationship for them, and then the circle repeats again.
 
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KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...
From how it sounds i reckon you could both get through this,maybe living alone apart may do you good, get to know each other again. People change continuously, and if you are not spending that time with her, you stop knowing each other
 
dangermows said:
Good post.

Whereas often people meet someone else, find it exciting (forgetting it was also exciting at the beginning with the missus) and treat the new un better than they do the wife.

Basically you only see/get the good bits with new un, as you don't share the mundane daily shite with them. Although you do eventually, after f***ing off a relationship for them, and then the circle repeats again.
Click to expand...
Exactly, it's all new and exciting and they get suckered into believing that this person will surely make them more happy than their current partners. Maybe at first, but then the rut will just start off again...

That's why some people get married multiple times - they keep looking for that "exciting and new" feeling. They don't realize that they can create that themselves by actually putting some effort into their relationship.
 
double maxim said:
Serious question, do you think your Mrs saw you spending a lot of time on yourself down the gym, running, cycling etc. as a bit selfish? could any of that have been put on hold or rearranged for the sake of your family?

I know a few lads who spend a lot of time doing similar stuff and their other halfs resent them for it, especially if they don't get a similar amount of 'me time'.

again, not preaching and just asking.
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this... surely giving up some of that time for your wife and kids would be beneficial

i haven't read the rest of the thread yet so apologies if this has been fully rebuffed/answered
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...
Try to make a go, of it, do not think that this will not damage yiur kids because it will. It’s only an attutude of mind. Marriage is bloody hard work. Too many thrownit these days but, you know what therevis only one model of woman. Beauty in the house lasts but a few days.
 
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