Divorce/separation

KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on
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Never have a friendship with a girl at work when married. I will probably get shit for that, but there's absolutely no point. You're only tempting fate for something to happen. She has the right to be suspicious - if it was the reverse, would you not feel the same way? If she started losing weight and was hanging out with a male coworker, would that not bother you?

Instead of trying to run away from the problem, you should be meeting it head on. Take your wife to work out with you. Make the gym something the two of you do together and not something you just do for yourself.

Do you find your coworker attractive? If so, that's a problem.
 


The Lonious Monk said:
Thanks for that. I just think people give up on their marriages too soon. They expect it to just flourish on its own without them investing any actual time or effort into it. My mom and dad have always had a great marriage so I have them to thank for setting a good example for me. My dad said that "You can't expect your marriage to grow and become beautiful if you don't invest anything into it. You can't just plant a flower and expect it to survive on its own."
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Straying off topic slightly but i'm the opposite in terms of my upbringing. I was dragged up in a single parent household (never knew my Dad, not a seperaton scenario) but this made me all the more determined to make my marriage work.

Suppose that is because i want my nipper to have your outlook on these things when she grows up though so i see what you mean.

Agree 100% in terms of the 'put shit in, get shit out' line of thinking too. John Lennon is full of shit, things change over time and you can't rely on love alone. Thats what puts you together but it isn't what keeps you together.

KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on
Click to expand...

Hmmm, i'm bowing out of this thread. Hope thing work out for you pal.
 
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double maxim said:
Straying off topic slightly but i'm the opposite in terms of my upbringing. I was dragged up in a single parent household (never knew my Dad, not a seperaton scenario) but this made me all the more determined to make my marriage work.

Suppose that is because i want my nipper to have your outlook on these things when she grows up though so i see what you mean.

Agree 100% in terms of the 'put shit in, get shit out' line of thinking too. John Lennon is full of shit, things change over time and you can't rely on love alone. Thats what puts you together but it isn't what keeps you together.
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Good post, pal. Glad you took that approach. Sadly, most children of divorced parents end up divorced themselves - so I am really glad you have the outlook you have.
 
I agree with the comments on here that if there is any possible way to make a marriage work it is worth pursuing. However there will be times when people drift too far apart for it to be resolved. Several couples stay together without marital intimacy and love for the sake of the kids until they leave home. While that is obviously an option I'd question whether it sets the right example to the children, although everybody may have different opinions. Sometimes it is. Eat for children for thenlarents to agree a split and move on to ensure happiness for themselves and give the children every chance of a strong upbringing. That is not easy and takes a lot of effort, patience and flexibility but it can be done and it can work.

There is no right or wrong answer as every situation is different. Make sure you communicate with your missus and discuss it fully. If you do split then ensure you reach out to your family and friends the good ones will be there for you and help support you as you will them.

Wish you all the best whatever route you take.
 
I would just suck it up and make things OK for a few more year.

The funny thing is, you feel like this now, but in 3 months time things can change, with a bit work
 
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KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on
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With great respect my friend this 2nd and probably more in depth post, far outweighs your original OP, that's to say there is more going on than your first mentioned.
It does not take too much to work out the root cause of this problem (providing there is little else to reveal) but oh dear me Mr. KEV_SAFC_FTM, might I suggest you just read back what you have written in your 2nd post and think if your best mate had come to you with this situation what would you have advised him?

Yes my friend, you now know where you have to go next …………………………………….. and its not the f***ing gym.
Get your shit together for goodness sake fellow, you are not 21 year olds fannying about with roll on roll off stuff you are into your 40's, there is much to salvage from this heap of crap but only if your want it and continue to want it.
It is in your hands my old mate, if you want it you can retrieve it, if you are seeking empathy then ………….. well if that's how you want to deal with it then so be it.
 
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I split with my ex 11 years ago as we had drifted apart, 3 kids involved. We'd lived seperate lives for about 3 years before we split and I was prepared to continue but she wasn't.

In hindsight we should have split sooner, wasted years. After we split I was only interested in being a good Dad for a year or so. Then after a couple of false starts I found real love at 44, better than I ever had with my ex. We will have been together 7 years at Xmas, married for 13 months today.

Only you can decide which way you want to go and she might not agree. Whatever happens good luck mate.
 
What ever happens mate dont let it turn ugly, I took shit for months and just bit my tongue for the Daughter and 1 year later its amicable and never get shit now. Just be the bigger man and life will sort things out, time is the biggest help let it do it's thing.
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...


No idea mate, I'm sure she will find someone better and you likewise.
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on
Click to expand...
It is such a contentious issue weight loss because people instantly take offence at the thought of it, but you need to explain to her that you understand if she feels jealous or resentful because ti must appear that way, but you are her husband, what is it that's truely eating away at her inside? Suggest you go out together, doesn't have to be the gym, go walking, go for a run outside, say you want to be a couple, a proper couple. So lets do my thing and then suggest you do something with her she wants. Explain it in the sense of a team, but make it clear that you can never achieve your goals unless she achieves hers, you want to help her do this.
 
I think the answers you’re really looking for are:

1. Shit in her knicker drawer
2. BTPBW
3. Hookers and blow

This place is slipping.

On a serious note I was in a toxic relationship and walked away scot free because I knew I’d done everything I could to make it work and it wasn’t enough. Never looked back and no regrets. I can think of only two regrets in life, one was staying in a shit job too long and the other was staying with her for too long.

Easy for me to say as we didn’t have kids and didn’t own property which can be two big calculations. Think long and hard if you want to make it work. Then try your best to make it work. It will either work out, or if not your decision is made. Good luck.
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...
It gets 1000% better mate.

Change is tough, you and the kids will get through it and be happier for it in the long run. It just takes time. I won't bore you with my stories but keep the faith and keep your chin up.

It sounds like you and your ex will still work together to raise the kids and won't be at each others throats. That's the most important thing as far as the bairns are concerned, if you need to bite your tongue to keep the peace then that's what you'll have to do but it will work out.
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...
Sounds very normal & salvageable to me marra.
Some lull during 20 years is to be expected I think, many relationships have this often with the added difficulty of some reactive infidelity and even they get back on track.
If my personal experience of a 40 year relationship is any example life together is a series of changing phases, all just different with watersheds but a thread of love runs through them. Your post suggests that thread isn't broken
Maybe your all just finding out how much your family needs each other and that's a good thing to know. You could start again, see it as next phase make it good. Go to Relate if need be its worth a shot in my mind.
In terms of would separation get better I couldn't guess, you may start a new life and just move on totally or you may always experience some sense of loss. I would talk to someone like Relate to at least explore which way that might go.
Just my two pennirth mate I hope things work out for you all in whichever way is best.
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...

It's a difficult one mate. I'd always say that if you aren't happy you should walk away but your relationship, on the face of it, doesn't sound like it can't be fixed. You only have one chance to be with the mother of your children and, for me, you shouldn't give up on that without one hell of a fight. Mainly that's because it's best for the kids, if you had really started to dislike each other then you're as well going your separate ways but if it's just been a tough year in a long relationship it might be worth working on.

Me and my lass are happy enough but I know one thing that annoys her is that I get to go to the match, sometimes (I'm talking like once a fortnight or something) I go to the pub on a night with my mate, all innocent stuff but she feels that she's stuck in the house watching the kids and that I'm getting the easy life because I can get a break from it. Is that the case with your missus? You say you get to go to the gym, what kind of a break does she get? Do you watch the kids while she goes out with friends or anything?

I'd agree with several others that going to the gym for hours (especially with a female) is something that I can understand her being annoyed with. Can you make the effort to spend that time doing something as a family? Not judging because I love getting time on my own as well, but if things aren't working at the minute maybe it's worth trying. Equally can one of your parents watch the kids for a couple of nights so you can go away somewhere for a bit without the pressures of having the kids to worry about so you can just be a couple and see how it goes?

I must admit, from what I've read I feel a bit sorry for her; if she's put on weight (possibly because it's hard for her to get out and do things) then she'll probably be self conscious about it and maybe feeling a bit down which will affect her mood and might partly be why things don't feel the same. When she then sees you getting the time to regularly go to the gym, sees you losing weight and sees you often seeing some other woman (however innocent it is), she'll feel like shit. Spending time with her (or trying to), not going to the gym as much, and certainly not with some other lass, trying to see if she's depressed and trying to help her, all these things might help. Either nothing changes and you drift apart or maybe you'll get the missus that you loved before back, it's worth trying imo.

Communication is definitely key, I'd sit her down and ask if she feels that separation is the only option. Talk about how you feel but crucially ask her how she feels and try to see things from her side, she's obviously got a hard job looking after the kids too. If you need to split up then fair enough but it sounds like you've had such a long relationship and both put so much into bringing up the kids that I would be reluctant to give that up without really fighting for it. Good luck whichever way you go
 
KEV_SAFC_FTM said:
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Click to expand...

Been with our lass for 38 years and married for 36 of them. We have had our brilliant times and also our deepest darkest times. Forgot the amount of times we nearly gave up, but we worked through things.
Life hasn't been all wine and roses but any stretch of the imagination, in fact it has been shyte for many years but we stuck at it.
But no matter what I still said I love you every day even if it was through gritted teeth.
Marriage is all about compromising and making time for each other.
Perhaps take things back to day 1 and start wooing her again if that is what you want.

Most importantly talk to each other and find out what you both want.
 
Could try and turn the lack of closeness and intamcy into a positive. Most marriages lose the initial excitement/spark if people are honest (for those that are still ripping each others clothes off, fair play, cap doffed) In this instance you could treat it as if you are almost seeing someone new, and get to know each other again.
 

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