Divorce/separation

[luvulongtime]

fat mam dumped for nubile younger woman is how the op's wife will see it

 

[bowers2]

If you still love her you may have made a big mistake.

When she moves on, and the new fella arrives, her looking better than she was, the kids going on about the amazing days they’ve had out and you meeting someone new who isn’t quite the same as the person you once fell in love with? Maybe worth recondidering.

Me, I had no choice. Mrs was being unreasonable and I had lost all the love.
Fight for custody, the big payout I had to make and the child left without stability but it got much much better it just takes time.
I never looked back but with children you still have to see the mother all the time.

Good luck mate. It’s horrible and would never want to revisit this part of life again.

Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on

Think about it if the tables were turned. How would YOU feel about that situation?

 

[dangermows]

Mind I can't believe the amount on here who are basically saying they'd be angry/jealous if their lass was goi G to the gym with a bloke. Says more about the person with an issue IMO.

 

[Aituk7]

Second vote for hookers and blow

 

[Skandhaless]

OK having contributed to this thread I think it's time to say " mums net this shit" or at least consign it to parsnip so the wider footballing world don't see what a load of softies we are and we end up getting our heads kicked in all over division 1.

 

[Muppet]

Me and my lass are happy enough but I know one thing that annoys her is that I get to go to the match, sometimes (I'm talking like once a fortnight or something) I go to the pub on a night with my mate, all innocent stuff but she feels that she's stuck in the house watching the kids and that I'm getting the easy life because I can get a break from it. Is that the case with your missus? You say you get to go to the gym, what kind of a break does she get? Do you watch the kids while she goes out with friends or anything?

I'd agree with several others that going to the gym for hours (especially with a female) is something that I can understand her being annoyed with. Can you make the effort to spend that time doing something as a family? Not judging because I love getting time on my own as well, but if things aren't working at the minute maybe it's worth trying. Equally can one of your parents watch the kids for a couple of nights so you can go away somewhere for a bit without the pressures of having the kids to worry about so you can just be a couple and see how it goes?

I must admit, from what I've read I feel a bit sorry for her; if she's put on weight (possibly because it's hard for her to get out and do things) then she'll probably be self conscious about it and maybe feeling a bit down which will affect her mood and might partly be why things don't feel the same. When she then sees you getting the time to regularly go to the gym, sees you losing weight and sees you often seeing some other woman (however innocent it is), she'll feel like shit. Spending time with her (or trying to), not going to the gym as much, and certainly not with some other lass, trying to see if she's depressed and trying to help her, all these things might help. Either nothing changes and you drift apart or maybe you'll get the missus that you loved before back, it's worth trying imo.

This is a very good post. I know too many friends where he will indulge a hobby where and when he pleases, while she’s expected to stay home with the kids. It causes so much resentment.

 

[DPTT]

Thanks for that. I just think people give up on their marriages too soon. They expect it to just flourish on its own without them investing any actual time or effort into it. My mom and dad have always had a great marriage so I have them to thank for setting a good example for me. My dad said that "You can't expect your marriage to grow and become beautiful if you don't invest anything into it. You can't just plant a flower and expect it to survive on its own."

We were together 22 years and had one what I would call crisis and that was it, over!
Women man, wired up wrong!!

 

[Aituk7]

Mind I can't believe the amount on here who are basically saying they'd be angry/jealous if their lass was goi G to the gym with a bloke. Says more about the person with an issue IMO.

Aye getting jealous over stuff like that is unhealthy for blokes, for lasses though i think a small amount of jealousy can be good for the relationship. Girls value a lot more in men than just their looks and knowing that they've got them can make things a little stale for them. Not to the the point of going to the gym with another girl though I mean like just chatting to a barmaid for 5 mins while your drinks served or whatever.

 

[JAZZMANB]

Could try and turn the lack of closeness and intamcy into a positive. Most marriages lose the initial excitement/spark if people are honest (for those that are still ripping each others clothes off, fair play, cap doffed) In this instance you could treat it as if you are almost seeing someone new, and get to know each other again.

Its a tough one ,i found on two occasions after long term break ups (one my marriage ) that buzz of meeting someone new is amazing.You feel 17 again and it takes you into a nice place you forgot existed.On the back of that unless it was shit the loss of your previous realtionship and what you had is the worst emotional feeling i've experienced.Way worse than grief ,so its a rollercoaster.
i thought reading the opening post ,save it,have a break then crack on .Reading the later one ,bitching at each other ,change in lifestyle etc it sounds like they'll just be papering over cracks
Its a big ask to promise yourselves to each for years and years .Is it fair to ask your wife to stay a size 10 etc etc as she ages and has kids and all the trappings of everyday life ?.Blokes generally keep hobbies ,mates ,be it footy,going to the races,lads weekends,keep fit etc and most lasses are homies and thats just how it is .Not sure what the answer is .I was gutted when we split,didn't see it coming,we were happy,never argued etc etc .Was it perfect ? no but i put the that down to You can't have everything,look at the plusses .We chucked it without trying but that was out of my hands and she was distracted shall we say so i was on a losing battle

 

[dangermows]

Its a tough one ,i found on two occasions after long term break ups (one my marriage ) that buzz of meeting someone new is amazing.You feel 17 again and it takes you into a nice place you forgot existed.On the back of that unless it was shit the loss of your previous realtionship and what you had is the worst emotional feeling i've experienced.Way worse than grief ,so its a rollercoaster.
i thought reading the opening post ,save it,have a break then crack on .Reading the later one ,bitching at each other ,change in lifestyle etc it sounds like they'll just be papering over cracks
Its a big ask to promise yourselves to each for years and years .Is it fair to ask your wife to stay a size 10 etc etc as she ages and has kids and all the trappings of everyday life ?.Blokes generally keep hobbies ,mates ,be it footy,going to the races,lads weekends,keep fit etc and most lasses are homies and thats just how it is .Not sure what the answer is .I was gutted when we split,didn't see it coming,we were happy,never argued etc etc .Was it perfect ? no but i put the that down to You can't have everything,look at the plusses .We chucked it without trying but that was out of my hands and she was distracted shall we say so i was on a losing battle

Everyone craves that feeling you get when it's brand new marra (it's why affairs are common) but it never lasts. Aye sounds like it was out of your hands.

 

[JAZZMANB]

Everyone craves that feeling you get when it's brand new marra (it's why affairs are common) but it never lasts. Aye sounds like it was out of your hands.

It didn't crave it,its one of the first things you learn to do without if you're in it for the long haul.The Mam and Dad not Mr and Mrs thing is very common and a killer .Its a like a competition as to who is pulling their weight the most and even if its done well and you aren't doing it as a competition you still get zero quality time together

This is a very good post. I know too many friends where he will indulge a hobby where and when he pleases, while she’s expected to stay home with the kids. It causes so much resentment.

Problem is for the most part women don't do hobbies etc ,i always encouraged my mrs to do stuff ,even engineer situations to see her mates etc but generally they aren't like men and are homies .So do the men just do the same to keep the peace ?The stuuf i do could be considered selfish ,i've played footy all my life,been a musician since i was 17,rode and raced motorbikes from my late teens .Lasses like blokes who do stuff ,its just getting the balance and making sure you put the effort in to balance it out

 

[DisillusionedOldGit]

If I can give you one more bit of advice mate, it would be when you sit down to talk to her, focus on what you have done wrong. Women are incredibly competetive when it comes to emotional outpouring. If you go I think you've done this and haven't done that she'll get on the defensive.

But if you focus entirely on I haven't been the best husband because of this, this and this, I want to work to improve myself for the better of the family, I want to change the way I approach things because it's not healthy for me or you she'll respect it and feel the need to join in. It's a weird thing they do but they feel they have to share the pain if you get what i mean, and that'll come from a much nicer place if you don't berate her about anything. And then make sure you leave it open, if things don't work out so be it etc. and make that clear because things have obviously gone so far down the line and this magic turnaround won't solve anything but it gives her a chance to understand you, even if she doesn't burst out crying saying i agree etc. she will rationalise it in her head. Just keep it short,sweet, tell her how much you want to make everything work better and how you are going to be a better man by stepping up to that challenge. Good luck mate

I wish I'd been able to follow your advice when I split with my First wife .

 

[Aituk7]

I wish I'd been able to follow your advice when I split with my First wife .

The thing about women is mate, they are little balls of emotion. They don't know what they want, they change their minds on a whim an hour later. If you put anything on them they go f***ing crazy or break down into nothingness. You've got to take responsibility and if they believe it they always follow.... even if the whole thing isn't your fault.

 

[DisillusionedOldGit]

It is such a contentious issue weight loss because people instantly take offence at the thought of it, but you need to explain to her that you understand if she feels jealous or resentful because ti must appear that way, but you are her husband, what is it that's truely eating away at her inside? Suggest you go out together, doesn't have to be the gym, go walking, go for a run outside, say you want to be a couple, a proper couple. So lets do my thing and then suggest you do something with her she wants. Explain it in the sense of a team, but make it clear that you can never achieve your goals unless she achieves hers, you want to help her do this.

My ex's weight and her reluctance to do anything about was always a big problem for me . I stopped virtually all physical about 15 years before we split . Fifteen years of looking at other blerks wives and thinking " Jeez, what would it be like to go home to that every night". She had 15 years to put things right but couldn't be arsed I suppose .

 

[dangermows]

My ex's weight and her reluctance to do anything about was always a big problem for me . I stopped virtually all physical about 15 years before we split . Fifteen years of looking at other blerks wives and thinking " Jeez, what would it be like to go home to that every night". She had 15 years to put things right but couldn't be arsed I suppose .

People will call you shallow but that's a good shout. People should make an effort so the other still finds them attractive. It's almost like some think "we are married now so put up with it" forgetting that their other half didn't fall for a fatty.

 

[DisillusionedOldGit]

People will call you shallow but that's a good shout. People should make an effort so the other still finds them attractive. It's almost like some think "we are married now so put up with it" forgetting that their other half didn't fall for a fatty.

Exactly . "We're married, we have 2 kids you adore, I'll get half this big fuck off house you paid for, you wouldn't dare fuck off" . A bloke can only sand having the piss taken out of him for so long . And yes, did feel shallow . Did she ?

 

[Aituk7]

My ex's weight and her reluctance to do anything about was always a big problem for me . I stopped virtually all physical about 15 years before we split . Fifteen years of looking at other blerks wives and thinking " Jeez, what would it be like to go home to that every night". She had 15 years to put things right but couldn't be arsed I suppose .

Orh mate some lasses go down that route and you've gotta get em telt or move on, There's a way to go about it but some aren't rescuable. My mate got nicknamed "Feeder", good looking young lad, does rugby and the gym every night but eats absolute shite, kebabs, pizzas, pasties the lot. He's had 3 proper stunning lasses who got involved with him, switched to his diet but didn't do the training and he left all 3 of them as fat messes

 

[North Yorks Mackem]

I'm coming out of a marriage. No kids though. It's shit like, had some horrible moments, but things definitely to do get better.

A few minor things which I think help. Keep busy. Don't mope around feeling sorry for yourself. You'll just feel worse.

Family and friends can be a class help. Don't cut them off.

When communicating always try and do it in person. Sending texts can get misconstrued and can lead to totally unnecessary arguments.

Finally, it's important to look after yourself, and of course in your case your kids too, but also try and look at things from her point of view too.

Ultimately though each situation is different and You'll know what is the best thing to do in terms of trying to salvage the relationship or let it go.

 

[Mantobar]

"Time makes it easy,
But you never told me time stands still"

 

[Deleted member 40035]

Never have a friendship with a girl at work when married. I will probably get shit for that, but there's absolutely no point.

Most of my best friends are married women and I'm single, I get on well with their husbands and although they are well aware their wives obviously fancy me (because they openly say it) they trust them and trust me. I sometimes even take them out for the day and their husbands have no problem with that at all, its just a friendship and that's all it will ever be. The best marriages have a strong foundation of trust and understanding.

To the OP: I recently read that all the negative emotions of a break up lasts around 3 months to get over.