Divorce/separation

KEV_SAFC_FTM

Striker
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
 
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just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvages? I have
Emotions are f***ing insane mate, you feel one thing one day, you try to rationalise it, you go through a million hoops and then you sit there regretting what you've done. It's such a topsy turvy thing. The truth is, you don't feel in love with her because it's a two way street, she's not showing you a level of affection you can appreciate. My advice would be to see a therapist or family councillor for relationship advice if you really don't know what to do... but in all honesty mate I would just tell her how you feel, focus on what you actually like about her or atleast used to like about her and find the time to do date night and stuff. Once you become mam and Dad it's difficult to be the same people you were when you were younger, you never know it might just take a few months prodding inthe right direction to get your life back on track and realise that you've both been putting everything else before each other. Good luck marra.
 
Emotions are f***ing insane mate, you feel one thing one day, you try to rationalise it, you go through a million hoops and then you sit there regretting what you've done. It's such a topsy turvy thing. The truth is, you don't feel in love with her because it's a two way street, she's not showing you a level of affection you can appreciate. My advice would be to see a therapist or family councillor for relationship advice if you really don't know what to do... but in all honesty mate I would just tell her how you feel, focus on what you actually like about her or atleast used to like about her and find the time to do date night and stuff. Once you become mam and Dad it's difficult to be the same people you were when you were younger, you never know it might just take a few months prodding inthe right direction to get your life back on track and realise that you've both been putting everything else before each other. Good luck marra.

Great post and the kind of response I was hoping for. Thanks!
 
It definitely gets better mate. Me and the ex are getting on canny at the minute, she's in a new relationship and moved away with the bairn with him but I still get weekend access.
Took two years to get to this stage mind but after a while you stop thinking about your relationship (at least I did) and only concentrate on the bairns.

I felt the same about the house and was going to sell but it's still the bairn's home and we still have many years of good times ahead in it.
 
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Let me just preface this that I've been happily married for 27 years and I consider my wife my best friend. BUT the reason it has worked is because of one very simple thing: communication. Over the years, sure we've had some very ugly arguments but we talk to each other. Not yell. We've learned that if we're both extremely upset, we don't talk. At all. We let things settle and cool off and then we sit and talk things out. We never disrespect each other and we never offend.

Something that my father told me before I got married that has always stuck with me is "People tell you to follow your heart, but sometimes, you have to guide your heart". A relationship takes work. It's not work and stay strong on its own. You literally have to work at it and on it every day. Making sure to always make time for each other. To sit and talk. To do things on your own, just the two of you. At first, it will probably feel odd if you've never done this, but after a while it becomes the norm and you learn to appreciate those moments the two of you have together more and more every day. There are also the simple things, telling her you love her for no reason whatsoever. When you're walking somewhere reaching out and taking her hand. This is your partner in life. One that you chose and married for a reason. So work at making sure that reason is always present and constant and consistent in your relationship. I really hope you can work it out, pal, I really really do.
 
Great post and the kind of response I was hoping for. Thanks!
If I can give you one more bit of advice mate, it would be when you sit down to talk to her, focus on what you have done wrong. Women are incredibly competetive when it comes to emotional outpouring. If you go I think you've done this and haven't done that she'll get on the defensive.

But if you focus entirely on I haven't been the best husband because of this, this and this, I want to work to improve myself for the better of the family, I want to change the way I approach things because it's not healthy for me or you she'll respect it and feel the need to join in. It's a weird thing they do but they feel they have to share the pain if you get what i mean, and that'll come from a much nicer place if you don't berate her about anything. And then make sure you leave it open, if things don't work out so be it etc. and make that clear because things have obviously gone so far down the line and this magic turnaround won't solve anything but it gives her a chance to understand you, even if she doesn't burst out crying saying i agree etc. she will rationalise it in her head. Just keep it short,sweet, tell her how much you want to make everything work better and how you are going to be a better man by stepping up to that challenge. Good luck mate
 
Let me just preface this that I've been happily married for 27 years and I consider my wife my best friend. BUT the reason it has worked is because of one very simple thing: communication. Over the years, sure we've had some very ugly arguments but we talk to each other. Not yell. We've learned that if we're both extremely upset, we don't talk. At all. We let things settle and cool off and then we sit and talk things out. We never disrespect each other and we never offend.

Something that my father told me before I got married that has always stuck with me is "People tell you to follow your heart, but sometimes, you have to guide your heart". A relationship takes work. It's not work and stay strong on its own. You literally have to work at it and on it every day. Making sure to always make time for each other. To sit and talk. To do things on your own, just the two of you. At first, it will probably feel odd if you've never done this, but after a while it becomes the norm and you learn to appreciate those moments the two of you have together more and more every day. There are also the simple things, telling her you love her for no reason whatsoever. When you're walking somewhere reaching out and taking her hand. This is your partner in life. One that you chose and married for a reason. So work at making sure that reason is always present and constant and consistent in your relationship. I really hope you can work it out, pal, I really really do.
Spot on
 
Serious question, do you think your Mrs saw you spending a lot of time on yourself down the gym, running, cycling etc. as a bit selfish? could any of that have been put on hold or rearranged for the sake of your family?

I know a few lads who spend a lot of time doing similar stuff and their other halfs resent them for it, especially if they don't get a similar amount of 'me time'.

again, not preaching and just asking.
 
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
No mate it doesn’t. If you feel anything for her it will multiply everyday you are apart. Has for me anyway and it’s tough

Let me just preface this that I've been happily married for 27 years and I consider my wife my best friend. BUT the reason it has worked is because of one very simple thing: communication. Over the years, sure we've had some very ugly arguments but we talk to each other. Not yell. We've learned that if we're both extremely upset, we don't talk. At all. We let things settle and cool off and then we sit and talk things out. We never disrespect each other and we never offend.

Something that my father told me before I got married that has always stuck with me is "People tell you to follow your heart, but sometimes, you have to guide your heart". A relationship takes work. It's not work and stay strong on its own. You literally have to work at it and on it every day. Making sure to always make time for each other. To sit and talk. To do things on your own, just the two of you. At first, it will probably feel odd if you've never done this, but after a while it becomes the norm and you learn to appreciate those moments the two of you have together more and more every day. There are also the simple things, telling her you love her for no reason whatsoever. When you're walking somewhere reaching out and taking her hand. This is your partner in life. One that you chose and married for a reason. So work at making sure that reason is always present and constant and consistent in your relationship. I really hope you can work it out, pal, I really really do.
Best post I have ever read on here matey
 
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No mate it doesn’t. If you feel anything for her it will multiply everyday you are apart. Has for me anyway and it’s tough


Best post I have ever read on here matey
Thanks for that. I just think people give up on their marriages too soon. They expect it to just flourish on its own without them investing any actual time or effort into it. My mom and dad have always had a great marriage so I have them to thank for setting a good example for me. My dad said that "You can't expect your marriage to grow and become beautiful if you don't invest anything into it. You can't just plant a flower and expect it to survive on its own."
 
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?

I've placed the exercise bit in bold, simply because with a previous this was a bone of contention. It wasn't the main reason for going our separate ways (she could at times be nasty to people and I needed myself to bail), but disappearing for a couple of hours a day when time together is short can increase the perception that you want to be out of her way.

Do you need to exercise everyday? Could you have not bought a cheap exercise bike for the house so you could at least chat to her whilst doing a short exercise bike session? Could your run not be from work to home (or vice versa) so it's incorporated into the commute rather than you going out a second time to exercise?

There's no kids in my case, however, if you're going off to the gym and leaving her with the kids then that can to her seem a little selfish. Other people who use my gym often get calls from their significant others asking how long they will be if they're more that say three quarters of an hour in there.

I say this as you mention you go to the gym a lot in your above post so it seems you feel it might be a factor.

I cut back to four times a week and shortened my sessions as I was overexercising anyway as it happens. It's made more time for other things in my life and more time for friends.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As an aside, there was one bloke just a couple of days ago had to take his kid at the last minute with his wife stuck at work. He sat the kid on the outside seats in sight of him while he dashed into do some cardio. It didn't work as within 15 minutes, the kid was bored and wanted to go home. He looked pissed but had to go as the kid was starting to make a scene.
 
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Serious question, do you think your Mrs saw you spending a lot of time on yourself down the gym, running, cycling etc. as a bit selfish? could any of that have been put on hold or rearranged for the sake of your family?

I know a few lads who spend a lot of time doing similar stuff and their other halfs resent them for it, especially if they don't get a similar amount of 'me time'.

again, not preaching and just asking.

Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on
 
Sorry for the forthcoming long post, just after a bit of advice from those on here that have gone through it all.

This is a synopsis, My Mrs and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 12. We have two kids (9, 7) and we work opposite shifts for childcare reasons. Both kids have autism, although not on a serious scale.

I spend a lot of time exercising in my spare time, either down the gym or running/cycling and we don’t spend a great deal of time doing stuff together as a couple.

Over the last 12-18 months, we have grown apart. Little communication, little intimacy, not socialising together. Very much just Mam and Dad, not husband and wife. We’ve grown apart and were sniping at each other daily.

We made a decision to separate earlier this week and it appears to have gone okay, with practicalities being sorted out between ourselves regarding living arrangements and child access. We are not yet divorcing as there’s no cash there to do it and neither of us want to step into a new relationship.

The ironic thing is, I love my wife still but don’t feel ‘in love’ with her. I don’t hate her but we’ve grown so far apart, I wouldn’t even know where to start getting things back on track. Even being intimate now would feel ‘funny’. I feel it’s irreparable and beyond salvation now such is the devide.

I thought that I’d be relieved and can finally get on with my life and try to find some happiness. Instead, I feel hollow and upset. Even though the separation was largely my decision.

20 years is a long time, my Mrs has been a good wife until the last year or so and I know I’m responsible for a helluva lot of our decline.

It’s strange, she’s moved out to stay with relatives for a few days, until she gets her own place, and I have the kids staying here and yet the house no longer feels like a home. It feels empty.

I asked the kids earlier how they felt about it. They both said sad and broke down in tears, which surprised me as my daughter especially, doesn’t show any emotion ever. It was like being stabbed in the stomach.

So after all that and the reason for this post ....

Does it get better? Are these normal experiences? Can it be salvaged?
Do you stay in a loveless relationship because it’s less hassle & its a lot easier
Or do you make the break ?
Eventually it will probably happen
Not easy when kids are involved
Best of luck mate
I’m sure there’s a few on here with similar circumstances past or present
 
If you can’t be intimate and communicate with your wife then you’ve done the best thing by agreeing to separate, no matter how hard that is. My grandparents were in their late 50s when they divorced. They were married for 35 years and literally only spoke when she told him his dinner was ready.

Going forward you need to remember that it isn’t about you two but the kids.

Try and keep the break up civil
 
Yeah I think she does. We were both overweight so I decided to exercise. I’ve lost nearly 3st and I’m starting to look much better although I could still do with losing another stone. In addition to this, the gym has been my escape. The feel good factor. Away from stresses of the home environment. No arguments, no walking on eggshells with her and away from the kids for an hour or so (I know the kids comment above sounds bad, but two autistic children are hard work)

My Mrs hasn’t really done anything about her weight though and has possibly gained weight. She has become resentful of my weight loss and, although she has not said it, she feels inadequate.

The other issue is I work with a girl, who I car share with, and train with as she’s also into the gym. My wife feels like I’m always with her and suspects something is going on. There isn’t by the way. We train and work together. That’s it. But my wife can’t grasp this and has bought the other girl up constantly in arguments for the last 6 months.

It’s been excruciating having to justify yourself constantly and fighting suspicion, especially when nothing has gone on
Will she not join you ?
Maybe swimming, walking ?
Try it
 

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