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You’re a cracker Ginger JohnKeep writing. It really does help.
Sometimes I've written a post, read it in preview, then closed the window and not actually posted it. Just getting it out and seeing it in black and white can help.
Thanks pet xx
Youre describing a quite strong depression there mate. First thing make sure your doc knows all this you may need a quite strong pharmaceutical intervention.to put a dint in it at first. If you have been taking meds without much effect and have tried a few you may need psychiatrist input to find the right one, mix or dosage.I don't know where to begin on this one today. In fact I've attempted to write this post for the past 3 hours. The last 2 weeks have been soul crushing for me, I think my marriage is coming to an end (and I am struggling with that), but it's not the cause of my depression at the moment.
I've had thoughts of suicide for years right now, silly things for the most part about ways to off myself but with the exception of one close call I've never really thought about it in any great depth. More recently though things have taken a darker turn and instead of just daydreaming about ways to end things I've started to realize (or at least the thoughts have crept in) that I don't want to be here anymore...
I wake up and never really want to get out of bed, but once I am ready I high tail it out of the house as quickly as I can. I order my coffee on the phone and grab a bagel at the place they seemingly only speak Spanish (so I don't have to get into a conversation), I try to duck in to my office before anyone sees me so i don't have to interact with people (even going so far as to park in the lot next door so people don't know I am in). From that point on I go into work mode and can normally fake it long enough to get through my phone work. Once that's done (normally mid to late morning) I am at a loss for things to do. If I have appointments I go out to those, but otherwise I sit in my office doing busy work so that I don't have to leave and be around people. I've found myself at times sitting in the office until 8/9pm some nights because I just don't want to see anyone (even the wife). Once I am home in the evening I tend to hide in the basement until bed time then slope off to bed.
I know at the moment I am just existing, and I am trying to get to the route of the problem, even going as far as to look into some sort of counselor to speak with... Things just seem bleak right now, even if on the outside everything looks rosy....
Youre describing a quite strong depression there mate. First thing make sure your doc knows all this you may need a quite strong pharmaceutical intervention.to put a dint in it at first. If you have been taking meds without much effect and have tried a few you may need psychiatrist input to find the right one, mix or dosage.
Second thing get someone professional to sit and talk with you about the suicidal thought. You need a good safety plan around this to ensure risk is managed until you pick up a bit
Third get some talking therapy to help you work out what changes you need to make either practically in terms of life circumstances, life style (just the choices you make about how you look after yourself to be happier) and underlying views you have about how shit works or should work. You're thinking with depressed thoughts at present so all you can come up with is depressed answers, get this treated and you will start to find very different solutions to the dark ones that feel logical now. Honest mate I see the change happening every day, it's hard work but life is we all share that fact.
Keep talking on here but at present it sounds like a bit of pro support wouldn't go amiss.
I used to have loads of friends, but over the years I let them drift away because friendships take time and effort and a lot of the time I couldn't be arsed. I have a bairn, I work, I get tired and to be brutally honest I like my own company too much.I was watching a video on youtube of Jordan Peterson giving a Psychology lecture and he said this, which I found quite eye-opening..
Say you get depressed, so you start drinking. Because you're drinking, you start to isolate yourself. Because you isolate yourself, your friends start to disappear. Once your friends start to go, you get even more depressed... and the circle repeats itself until you're at rock bottom, depressed, drinking, isolated, and with nobody there to give a fuck.
We're our own worst enemy when it comes to depression. It's important to recognise the cycle you're in and not let it drag you to rock bottom.
You should meet up with some of the people on here man. You're a nice person, I'm sure many would like to get to know you better.I used to have loads of friends, but over the years I let them drift away because friendships take time and effort and a lot of the time I couldn't be arsed. I have a bairn, I work, I get tired and to be brutally honest I like my own company too much.
On a weekend I just stay home (when the bairn goes to his dads), I cant afford a social life as such but I get really bored and feel like its Groundhog day over and over. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a pal to go out walking with, maybe have a chat over coffee but I don't so I just stay home and worry about shit.
I did something creative this weekend, made a wonderful collage picture that is now hanging on my bedroom wall, got a real buzz out of it. I picked up my jewellery making stuff, threaded beads onto wire but I put it away as I had no idea what the end result should look like / be.
I hit rock bottom years ago btw, I'm pretty much still there though.
I'm not looking for romance fella, just a bit of friendship / companionship ffs .You should meet up with some of the people on here man. You're a nice person, I'm sure many would like to get to know you better.
Never knar, you might find love. I hear @niceonemarra's single.
I'm not looking for romance marra just friendship & companionship.I hear @niceonemarra's single
I'm not looking for romance fella, just a bit of friendship / companionship ffs .
Get yourself down a good women's group.. Aspire in Chester le st is very good used to be the bridge project.I used to have loads of friends, but over the years I let them drift away because friendships take time and effort and a lot of the time I couldn't be arsed. I have a bairn, I work, I get tired and to be brutally honest I like my own company too much.
On a weekend I just stay home (when the bairn goes to his dads), I cant afford a social life as such but I get really bored and feel like its Groundhog day over and over. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a pal to go out walking with, maybe have a chat over coffee but I don't so I just stay home and worry about shit.
I did something creative this weekend, made a wonderful collage picture that is now hanging on my bedroom wall, got a real buzz out of it. I picked up my jewellery making stuff, threaded beads onto wire but I put it away as I had no idea what the end result should look like / be.
I hit rock bottom years ago btw, I'm pretty much still there though.
Bit far for me, but thanks anyhoo (can do Washington, Gateshead and Newcastle only due to the area my bus pass covers xx).Get yourself down a good women's group.. Aspire in Chester le st is very good used to be the bridge project.
Looks like bridge is still going in washy. The Bridge Project - Wellbeing InfoBit far for me, but thanks anyhoo (can do Washington, Gateshead and Newcastle only due to the area my bus pass covers xx).
Smashing stuff mate, you're on it now.So update.
I went out for a drive to clear my head and try to get rid of this lingering shite cloud that has been around for a few weeks. While I was out I stopped at a barber and had a shave and a haircut which certainly lifted my mood. I then spent a couple of hours freezing my tits off trying to work thing through in my head (its worked before) see what I can figure out. The good news is the thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore seem to have passed and I haven't had a suicidal thought now since the day I wrote my earlier post.
I decided to look for someone to speak to and see if we can get to the route of my depression and ways of combating the symptoms. I have an appointment with someone on Wednesday and while I am hoping to stay away from medication I am finally open to it as a stop-gap while I seek treatment for the underlying symptoms.
Thanks to everyone who commented and messaged me privately... its good to have someone there...
I was watching a video on youtube of Jordan Peterson giving a Psychology lecture and he said this, which I found quite eye-opening..
Say you get depressed, so you start drinking. Because you're drinking, you start to isolate yourself. Because you isolate yourself, your friends start to disappear. Once your friends start to go, you get even more depressed... and the circle repeats itself until you're at rock bottom, depressed, drinking, isolated, and with nobody there to give a fuck.
We're our own worst enemy when it comes to depression. It's important to recognise the cycle you're in and not let it drag you to rock bottom.
Last time I went there was 11/09/01, the day the world changed. Surprised its still going tbh.Looks like bridge is still going in washy. The Bridge Project - Wellbeing Info
Stir your stumps lass.
Smashing stuff mate, you're on it now.
Will be up and down but the ups will get more prolonged and the downs less deep. All the best
It wasn't your fault, go backLast time I went there was 11/09/01, the day the world changed. Surprised its still going tbh.
I know that man, but you can imagine I remember that day very well . If I gan back and something else like that happens mind...It wasn't your fault, go back