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Depression

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Fred said:
I've been suffering from depressive thoughts for just over a year now and I am still struggling with it now.

I've read through a few of the posts on this thread and thought about what it is that is the cause of the problem, however the causes of the problem are the things that I don't want to lose at all.

First of all my 18 month old son is a big problem, due to him being hemiplegic (a form of cerebral palsy), and the second problem is my fiancee, who I presume is also having the same depressive thoughts that I am having.

My depressive thoughts are always on my son and whether he will learn to be able to walk properly or use his right hand at all and even if he can, whether this will lead to him getting bullied when he gets a bit older, due to my girlfriend (and maybe me aswell) wanting him to go through the conventional schools rather than special schools. Also while looking after a 18 month old, I am seriously having trouble having the patience to handle the screaming fits and temper tantrums, due to these depressive thoughts, which can suddenly turn to angry thoughts at the flick of a switch.

And to top it all off I feel like I can't seriously confide in my girlfriend at all, and I feel she feels the same way with me aswell, and all I can see is the cycle repeating over and over again until one of us finally snaps.

I also feel like I can't confide in a gp neither because if I am open and honest with them about everything, it might lead to social services etc getting involved due to it being both parents.

I know its a long winded post but if anyone reads through it I would seriously appreciate a bit of support and I will be eternally grateful.
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I absolutely understand what you are going through, my youngest daughter was born with severe autism, and is now in the process of being diagnosed with Tourettes. She is 7 years old, mute, in nappies and requires my full time care, to any outsider it's unbelievable that any person can deal with this situation, but to me it's something I've learned to accept. Acceptance of the situation is not necessarily acceptance of the child, you can grieve for the life you wished for your child, and love them unconditionally, the two are not synonymous. You face a life of caregiving on a level that was unexpected, your child being so young you don't know what to expect for their future, you would not be human if it didn't scare you, if it didn't hurt you, if it didn't push the boundaries of your sanity. There is no shame in what you or your girlfriend is feeling. Your girlfriend is feeling exactly what you are, scared for the future of your child, and scared that seeing you struggle might indicate a change in the relationship. The best way to approach this is reassurance. Show her that you love her and your child, and that this condition doesn't make a difference to that love and wanting to be a father/partner. Your fear is born out of concern for your family's wellbeing. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, she's most likely feeling both guilty for struggling and protective of your child, those first talks will be fraught with frustration, but persevere.

As for dealing with your child's condition, the tantrums won't last forever, if you can find their triggers they might even be resolved. For my daughter and my son (also autistic), the tantrums were mostly caused by their inability to communicate, with extra focus on trying to help their communication the tantrums have lessened alot.
18 months is a short space of time to allow yourself to adjust to such a highly demanding life, be patient with yourself aswell as your family, in time your family life will be second nature. Talking helps, on here or in therapy; I felt selfish for needing therapy, in a way I felt I 'should be able to cope', it took time to learn that not every parent can have a gung ho coping mechanism, some struggle more than others, and it has no bearing on how good a parent you are.
 

IrishMackem88 said:
A new day starts in 5 or so minutes, wrestled back my mind from thoughts that were never mine.

Feel like a new man after a quick chat with my mam, prepared to face and beat this head on!
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Amazing what offloading your thoughts can do for you; give it some welly man!
 
Pij said:
Amazing what offloading your thoughts can do for you; give it some welly man!
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Basically I was sober as a judge last Sunday morning, when I got a thought into my head, a good thought would you believe. My mind has tried to out muscle that and make me think I thought a bad thought when I know 100% I didn't and has had down since then.

Wrestled my mind back together over the past 15 minutes and I feel great. I know it will try and strike back but I know in my heart and head what I thought and will continue to fight and push it away until its gone for good.

Thanks for the positive comments folks
 
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Fred said:
I've been suffering from depressive thoughts for just over a year now and I am still struggling with it now.

I've read through a few of the posts on this thread and thought about what it is that is the cause of the problem, however the causes of the problem are the things that I don't want to lose at all.

First of all my 18 month old son is a big problem, due to him being hemiplegic (a form of cerebral palsy), and the second problem is my fiancee, who I presume is also having the same depressive thoughts that I am having.

My depressive thoughts are always on my son and whether he will learn to be able to walk properly or use his right hand at all and even if he can, whether this will lead to him getting bullied when he gets a bit older, due to my girlfriend (and maybe me aswell) wanting him to go through the conventional schools rather than special schools. Also while looking after a 18 month old, I am seriously having trouble having the patience to handle the screaming fits and temper tantrums, due to these depressive thoughts, which can suddenly turn to angry thoughts at the flick of a switch.

And to top it all off I feel like I can't seriously confide in my girlfriend at all, and I feel she feels the same way with me aswell, and all I can see is the cycle repeating over and over again until one of us finally snaps.

I also feel like I can't confide in a gp neither because if I am open and honest with them about everything, it might lead to social services etc getting involved due to it being both parents.

I know its a long winded post but if anyone reads through it I would seriously appreciate a bit of support and I will be eternally grateful.
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Been through similar with my Mam after my Dad had a stroke and there was a sort of period of grieving and loss. They'd worked hard and just retired but were both in good health and planned to do plenty travelling in their retirement, but all those plans went out the window. She needed time to realise that she had to get used to dealing with Dad and his needs and plan a different retirement to the one they dreamed of. We now get excited when Dad does something, like he was able to push a paper tissue on the table slightly with his paralysed arm the other day. Try looking at the bairns achievements rather than the things he can't do yet.

There was a girl with cerebral palsy in the primary when my sons attended. She was never bullied and the bairns really helped her and sort of mothered her in class. She couldn't walk when she started school, but was encouraged to join in as best she could and by the end of primary she could walk with assistance. Even on sports day, she wanted to join in the races and while all the other bairns ran off as normal, she staggered up the course with her teaching assistant helping her and everyone was yelling her name and cheering her on till she finished. I can still picture her grinning like an idiot when she crossed the finish line - bless her!

Are there any charities that can help with support? Or anyone who can babysit regular? My Mam goes out on her own sometimes just for a meal or afternoon tea with female friends and I care for my Dad. It does her good just getting out and doing something she enjoys with her friends.
 
Pij said:
I absolutely understand what you are going through, my youngest daughter was born with severe autism, and is now in the process of being diagnosed with Tourettes. She is 7 years old, mute, in nappies and requires my full time care, to any outsider it's unbelievable that any person can deal with this situation, but to me it's something I've learned to accept. Acceptance of the situation is not necessarily acceptance of the child, you can grieve for the life you wished for your child, and love them unconditionally, the two are not synonymous. You face a life of caregiving on a level that was unexpected, your child being so young you don't know what to expect for their future, you would not be human if it didn't scare you, if it didn't hurt you, if it didn't push the boundaries of your sanity. There is no shame in what you or your girlfriend is feeling. Your girlfriend is feeling exactly what you are, scared for the future of your child, and scared that seeing you struggle might indicate a change in the relationship. The best way to approach this is reassurance. Show her that you love her and your child, and that this condition doesn't make a difference to that love and wanting to be a father/partner. Your fear is born out of concern for your family's wellbeing. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, she's most likely feeling both guilty for struggling and protective of your child, those first talks will be fraught with frustration, but persevere.

As for dealing with your child's condition, the tantrums won't last forever, if you can find their triggers they might even be resolved. For my daughter and my son (also autistic), the tantrums were mostly caused by their inability to communicate, with extra focus on trying to help their communication the tantrums have lessened alot.
18 months is a short space of time to allow yourself to adjust to such a highly demanding life, be patient with yourself aswell as your family, in time your family life will be second nature. Talking helps, on here or in therapy; I felt selfish for needing therapy, in a way I felt I 'should be able to cope', it took time to learn that not every parent can have a gung ho coping mechanism, some struggle more than others, and it has no bearing on how good a parent you are.
Click to expand...
Reading through this post in particular, absolutely great advice and will try and take most of it on to help us in the future.

Problem this is though, I have just wrote 2 paragraphs on the importance of having patience and learning how to cope, but I just don't believe a word I wrote about it. I don't want to accept that the only way to move forward is professional help, but I know for the sake of my family it probably is the only way. I hate being too proud!
 
Haven't read the entire thread so apologies. I had my own brush with depression at the end of last year after what had been a horrible year for us as a family. I spoke with my wife (eventually) and had a 15 min chat with the GP. Just getting the issues out in the open was enough to shake me out of my funk - I cancelled the appointments they had made with a counsellor as just talking about the issues was therapy enough.

My cousin committed suicide when she was 21 and I remembering wishing at the time that she had just spoken to someone. Anyone. To tell them what she was feeling and what she was contemplating.

Talk is cheap, but sometimes talking can be enough. At the very least, it's a start.....
 
Bit of a sobering morning. Took myself out for a walk along the coast. Ended up sitting for an hour watching the coastguard remove a dead body from the beach.
 
becs said:
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Been through similar with my Mam after my Dad had a stroke and there was a sort of period of grieving and loss. They'd worked hard and just retired but were both in good health and planned to do plenty travelling in their retirement, but all those plans went out the window. She needed time to realise that she had to get used to dealing with Dad and his needs and plan a different retirement to the one they dreamed of. We now get excited when Dad does something, like he was able to push a paper tissue on the table slightly with his paralysed arm the other day. Try looking at the bairns achievements rather than the things he can't do yet.

There was a girl with cerebral palsy in the primary when my sons attended. She was never bullied and the bairns really helped her and sort of mothered her in class. She couldn't walk when she started school, but was encouraged to join in as best she could and by the end of primary she could walk with assistance. Even on sports day, she wanted to join in the races and while all the other bairns ran off as normal, she staggered up the course with her teaching assistant helping her and everyone was yelling her name and cheering her on till she finished. I can still picture her grinning like an idiot when she crossed the finish line - bless her!

Are there any charities that can help with support? Or anyone who can babysit regular? My Mam goes out on her own sometimes just for a meal or afternoon tea with female friends and I care for my Dad. It does her good just getting out and doing something she enjoys with her friends.
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Again that is extremely helpful, especially the part about the girl with the cerebral palsy. It makes me think that junior school will be alright for him, although I am still worried about senior school. Probably best to tackle that hurdle when he gets to it though.

With your Mam and Dad I am sorry to hear about your Dad. It's cracking of you to offer to help look after him and my Mam is in the same situation with my Grandma atm so I know exactly what that is like. However, we both get quite a lot of help looking after Josh particularly from my fiancees Mam and Dad, which is always greatly appreciated, but still does very little to help me.

Walter Ego said:
Bit of a sobering morning. Took myself out for a walk along the coast. Ended up sitting for an hour watching the coastguard remove a dead body from the beach.
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I don't know what to say about that. RIP to them, and feel sorry for family and friends of the person. Hope you are alright mate, very nasty thing to witness.
 
Walter Ego said:
Bit of a sobering morning. Took myself out for a walk along the coast. Ended up sitting for an hour watching the coastguard remove a dead body from the beach.
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Seaburn way? Wonder what the craic is with that body
 
Its not depression but as stated earlier, I have been made so angry this week that I have had difficulty concentrating.

Anyway had an exam today that costs £50, I didn't even turn up because I have been unable to revise due to no concentration.
 
Fred said:
Again that is extremely helpful, especially the part about the girl with the cerebral palsy. It makes me think that junior school will be alright for him, although I am still worried about senior school. Probably best to tackle that hurdle when he gets to it though.
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Certainly better than spending the next 10 years worrying about it! What you need to remember is that at least some of the kids at his senior school will be his mates from the junior school.

The vast majority of kids are basically really nice people, just like adults, but, obviously, there are some whose early life has already turned them into proper little twats! In half a lifetime in schools I've dealt with all sorts but I've been struggling to think of instances where, for want of a better term, it has been the 'obvious' targets who have suffered the worst bullying, it really tends to take far more subtle forms and the victims are often the least obvious. Even bullies seem to like a bit of a challenge! However, I can think of instances where some pupils' differences have inspired really heartwarming displays of selflessness and the strongest, loyalest friendships.

I keep coming back to this thread every couple of weeks, for education as much as anything, and because it contains such a lot of fantastic, inspirational writing. I've had my own troubles in the past (I hope) but nothing that compares to what some here are going through, but others close to me are struggling a bit and I find this a great source of ideas and strategies. I'd say "Keep it up" but I hope you don't have to for long, though I'm sure that some would still come here to help and support even when their own demons have been conquered.
 
waddy999 said:
Bi-Polar programme just starting on Ch4+1 if anyone's interested.
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I hate being Bi-Polar, it's f***ing class.

Maravilla said:
Was prescribed Sertraline when I first went to the doctors about it but they probably made things worse as they made me feel sick and drowsy, which drastically effected my performance at work. Once I knocked the meds on the head I felt so much better.

Obviously I wouldn't recommend that course of action for everyone but medication isn't an effective treatment of depression in every single case. Pretty sure someone else on here said they also coped better without medication, think it might have been @Flash Gordon. Apologies to the lad if I've got him confused with someone else.
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Yeah that was me mate. Sertraline made me feel sick and drowsy as well but worse than that, it massively ramped up my feelings of anxiousness. I've had one day in my life when I was suicidal and I'm sure it was down to those f***ing things. I just stopped taking them and looked for other solutions. I still have some bad days but it's better than being on medication and I would never try it again.
 
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It's back with a bang for me again. Not got out of bed for 2 days . Up until now. Had to get out the house now sitting in the local having a pint . My lack of motivation is horrible. I've stopped the tablets but I think I need to take them again. Got to travel back to London tomorrow and the thought of it kills me , I f***ing hate myself so much I wish I was dead. I just can't be arsed with anything
 
efcarentwe said:
It's back with a bang for me again. Not got out of bed for 2 days . Up until now. Had to get out the house now sitting in the local having a pint . My lack of motivation is horrible. I've stopped the tablets but I think I need to take them again. Got to travel back to London tomorrow and the thought of it kills me , I f***ing hate myself so much I wish I was dead. I just can't be arsed with anything
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Message me anytime If your this low, just have a rant about what is hurting you if need be.

Depression is something that can be beat. Enjoy your drink and have a bit look at the funny craic on this board. No matter what it looks like your not alone fella.
 
efcarentwe said:
It's back with a bang for me again. Not got out of bed for 2 days . Up until now. Had to get out the house now sitting in the local having a pint . My lack of motivation is horrible. I've stopped the tablets but I think I need to take them again. Got to travel back to London tomorrow and the thought of it kills me , I f***ing hate myself so much I wish I was dead. I just can't be arsed with anything
Click to expand...

Get yourself out of the pub now mate, as easy as it is to kid yourself that you'll feel better after a few drinks it makes things 10 times worse.
 
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