The bit I picked up on is she chose to be with this other person rather than say there are issues.
Her saying there were communication issues does sound a little of an excuse and shifting the blame. "Gaslighting" is what stands out here and I felt gaslighted in a short "whatever it was" with a former lady schoolfriend last year (been over that here ages ago).
That became toxic and once a situation becomes toxic, I feel it is better to move on.
I couldn't agree with your post more.
I'm back from the holiday now. Slovenia is a beautiful country, would highly recommend it to anybody thinking of going. But I didn't enjoy it because of obvious issues. When I came back, I'd wrote out a letter to her (wrote it on holiday), and left it on the coffee table. Heard her sobbing the next morning, which was a sign that she'd read it.
We managed to be civil towards each other for a couple days. Then I came back from work one night and she was in and out of the house in the evening within 5 mins. I didn't even see her, even though I was in the house. Took a couple bags with her and that was the first evening she'd spent away from the house since it all began. I noticed that the car wasn't parked outside the house, so it didn't take much for me to put 2 and 2 together that she'd parked the car round the corner and this c*** was in her car round the corner. So my head and mind was mush after this. Went round to see my sister and brother in law for company and to help me process stuff. We came up with a plan that we need her out of my house asap.
I dropped her a message the next day to ask when she would be back to the house, so we could discuss precisely when she would be moving out. We met and I said everything out by July 1st and that I'll be changing the locks. She protested, saying she was finding it difficult to find a new place, but I doubled down and said it had to be this way. On Thursday morning, world war 3 started. She was shouting saying she was very angry at me that I hadn't given her much time to move out. I replied that she was lucky she had this much time to stay in the house, and there was no evidence of any packing in the week I'd been in Slovenia. I also re-iterated to her that she was a cheat, a liar, deceiver and a coward. Things escalated a bit more verbally. Then there was a funny moment where we both had to leave the house at the same time to go to work. She left first, and I was 2 seconds behind. You could have cut the tension with a knife.
Got a message from her Friday morning to say she would empty her possessions out on Monday (tomorrow), leave some boxes in the garage to pick up at a later date, and that she would be gone on Monday. I spoke with her face to face that evening to make sure we were both on the same page. Everything was civil. Then she's been gone since 8am Saturday morning, hasn't came back since. Got into another text/ slagging match this afternoon. Mainly about the cheating and this other guy. Made it clear that if this guy turns up and I'm there, there will be trouble, and if he turns up and I'm not there, I'll call the police.
Still can't fathom or process how I'm in this situation. If you'd asked me 2 months ago, I would have thought I had all the big stuff planned out for life. Now nothing makes sense. I keep asking myself what I could have done better, could I have done anything to prevent this from happening? I'm struggling to understand why she cheated when she knew she'd been cheated on in a previous relationship and how it felt (I even asked if what she'd told me about this was true, she laughed in my face, and said she wasn't lying about this). Also struggling to understand why she'd go with this guy, who I think is a complete and utter waste of space and won't be able to provide for her. It doesn't make any sense to me.
I've been exercising a lot in terms of going for 2 walks literally every day since it happened, 2 hours in total at the moment. I've lost 3kg in the last 2 and a half weeks. The walks are good, I have good physical energy after them, and it gives me a lot of thinking time (good) and I can listen to podcasts.
I went to the GP on Tuesday and I told him I didn't want to go on medication, which he agreed with. Thought we should deal with the immediate acute trauma first, and re-assess 2-3 months down the line. I said I'd like to speak to somebody like a therapist, so I've self referred and have a phone consultation with Talking Heads in a week and a half. I've been speaking with and hanging out more with friends and family. Though I made an error last night. I went for food with a mate, which was good, then went on a mini binge of 6-7 pints, and it feels like I have more anxiety and an impending fear of doom today. So I'll have to avoid alcohol for the forseeable I think. Though I've still managed to get my steps in today.
It's going to take a lot to get over this betrayal and get to the other side. But I'm optimistic in myself that I can do this. Trying to accomplish little goals at the moment. I think a big barrier at the moment is still having all her stuff in the house. So once that's all gone, I should be able to go no contact with her, and won't have so many reminders of her in the house.
