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Depression thread continued...

Springwell Mackem said:
Glad to hear it.

Not sure which group you'll be going to but I'll be on the door at the Ryhope (temp home) group on Monday. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
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We will be at the beacon matey.
This is the design made which will be on the to raise awareness shirts were donated free and cost to print x10 was £80 so not bad money spent everything covered by donations so no cost to the boys and will look forward to raising money for the charity later in the year.
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lucky said:
Has it moved because of the Kayll Rd library shutting mate ?
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No, the ceiling fell in a few weeks back and it's closed while being repaired, it doesn't help that they found asbestos either. Sunderland Global Media are trying to raise money towards the costs and we're looking at options too.

As grateful as I am for the people at Ryhope Community Centre giving us a place at short notice, I'm gutted the Library is closed. It has a calming atmosphere and gets the lads to open up.
 
AstroSchwarz said:
Hope everyone is doing ok.

I’ve had a rough week - career feels stagnant, got a four year slog to sort finances, childhood best friend passed away (hadn’t seen him for a long time but still hits hard), I feel useless compared to my friends and i generally can’t be bothered and have spells of feeling like crying.
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You're not alone there mate.. losing your best friend at a young age is akin to losing a parent (know that too in the past 4 months).. feels like we all get a kicking from time to time..it'll turn around through. Therapy is great..have you tried it?

I reacted badly to my friends constructive criticism and it was a bit messy (although I still dislike the underlying thing he was saying) but that's life you only stay in touch with. It's been a tough week to take but we're all still here and so is : 🍺 haha
 
Springwell Mackem said:
No, the ceiling fell in a few weeks back and it's closed while being repaired, it doesn't help that they found asbestos either. Sunderland Global Media are trying to raise money towards the costs and we're looking at options too.

As grateful as I am for the people at Ryhope Community Centre giving us a place at short notice, I'm gutted the Library is closed. It has a calming atmosphere and gets the lads to open up.
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That roof been coming in for years mate and it's a lovely building , I saw that SGM trying to raise money which is amazing but how come insurance won't pay out for it ?
AstroSchwarz said:
Hope everyone is doing ok.

I’ve had a rough week - career feels stagnant, got a four year slog to sort finances, childhood best friend passed away (hadn’t seen him for a long time but still hits hard), I feel useless compared to my friends and i generally can’t be bothered and have spells of feeling like crying.
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Mate hope your OK this morning and you definitely not useless at all. It really does hit you hard when a childhood friend dies because of the similar age and it gets you thinking. As for crying I never used to cry at all but the littlest thing sets me off now, I can be watching something and even an advert will start me off , so no harm in crying at all. I know it's going to be a rough 4 years but I'm over the moon that you got a 4 year plan as means you planning ahead which is an amazing thing to do 💪.
 
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I actually felt a bit down yesterday, which is rare for me, in no small part because my week has been like an episode of Eastenders.

I went to the athletics track, and despite having no intrinsic motivation whatsoever and telling myself that it was the last time I was ever going to run etc, it went alright. And I found myself a bit more upbeat after that.

Then had a good conversation on the phone during the match which I enjoyed, and one of my soulmates who I haven’t spoken to in a while, randomly sent me a bunch of wildly inappropriate message.

The point is, it goes to show, you can go from wanting to off yourself to top of the world in a few hours in the space of a few hours.

It’s no use ruminating. Just gotta hang in there.
 
I have had an absolutely awful week. Last Saturday we went to a colleague of my partner for food and drinks. I had an interview on Monday for a job that will be life changing financially if I get it, and was resolved to spending all of Sunday prepping for it. Unfortunately, I drank far too much and I was completely lost for time, where I was, what I needed to do the next day etc. I've never known a loss of mind like it, I was completely zoned out from everyone else in terms of behaviour and feeling. Even cut my hand catching a knife that I span up in the air to catch and was trying to play the piano... Then I was offered a few lines and next thing I know, I've done that, transferred money and bought some more, gone through that and its 3.30am. Sunday was a complete write-off with a hangover, so I had 2-3 hours Monday morning to prepare for the interview, but I was still so spaced out. I knew all of my answers, but come the interview just gave the bones of the answers and didn't flesh anything out as much as I should. I was nervous as hell, but I think I actually came across over-confident and almost aloof at times.

I've spent the entire week since in a state of high anxiety (which is bad enough as it is due to work). Beating myself up over it, it's kicked off all of my childhood trauma massively, and I have been in a cycle of rumination and looking for excuses to self-sabotage - die, run away, break up with my partner as I feel like I let her and her daughter down. Something is stopping me, but it is by the finest of margins. I know they love me and I don't want to hurt them. I don't know why, but they do and they are the first people I have never tried to push away. I have issues with repetition compulsion (repeating past traumatic events) so I think of stupid ideas like finding abusive women instead to partner up with. But nowadays they are strong ideas, rather than something I would act on. Typically, my therapist was on holiday this week so there was no debrief opportunity. I have become calmer over the weekend, though I feel wracked with guilt now because I left my little dog in the yard accidentally for a couple of hours when I was out and he spent the whole time clambering to get in. He is a bag of nerves on medication for anxiety. He is only just back to himself after a day.
 
I was just about to say it is almost as though you are self sabotaging and then acting all bravado to try and cover.

I cannot speak to your episode but I do know I self sabotage and it's all about fear of failure. If I do not put the work in then when I fail I know why. I almost can't face it if I do loads of work and prep and really really try and I fail then it's obvious I am not good enough, not clever enough, not pretty enough (I know), not charming or personable enough. But that is me not you. Keep everything in mind. Write everything down if necessary but make sure you bring it up at your next session.

Just a quick question in your head did you think you could play the piano? Can you? Did you think you were playing a canny tune.
 
CPLforever said:
Just a quick question in your head did you think you could play the piano? Can you? Did you think you were playing a canny tune.
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I didn't have any belief I could actually play the piano. I tried to copy a few things I was being shown, then just acted like a tit for a minute or two on it, presumably thinking that I was being funny.
CPLforever said:
I cannot speak to your episode but I do know I self sabotage and it's all about fear of failure. If I do not put the work in then when I fail I know why. I almost can't face it if I do loads of work and prep and really really try and I fail then it's obvious I am not good enough, not clever enough, not pretty enough (I know), not charming or personable enough. But that is me not you.
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I do too, but it usually takes the form of not trying in the first place, or I am fully conscious the sabotage is happening. I had put a lot of effort to get to the stage I was at and had full determination to spend the day doing preparation, sleeping enough, setting up as comfortable a space as possible, then I just flipped. I have never had that happen before. Sure, I have gone ott with drink/drugs/being a stop out etc, but had the responsibility on occasions like this to stop or give it a skip.
 
DBStar said:
I didn't have any belief I could actually play the piano. I tried to copy a few things I was being shown, then just acted like a tit for a minute or two on it, presumably thinking that I was being funny.

I do too, but it usually takes the form of not trying in the first place, or I am fully conscious the sabotage is happening. I had put a lot of effort to get to the stage I was at and had full determination to spend the day doing preparation, sleeping enough, setting up as comfortable a space as possible, then I just flipped. I have never had that happen before. Sure, I have gone ott with drink/drugs/being a stop out etc, but had the responsibility on occasions like this to stop or give it a skip.
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I think in your last two posts you have detailed your actions, your thinking/reasoning behind your actions. That shows a level of self awareness which whilst not a "cure" can form the basis of future behaviour and responses.

See the fact is we can sometimes find it hard not to spiral, like it seems you did, a kind of maladjusted (?) coping mechanism, the trick is, and your therapist should help you with this, is to recognise what is happening and at the very least try and minimise the harm.

Good luck.
chopsfc007 said:
I just have no social life and people are starting to get to me, I know I'm argumentative on here and bring it on myself but I'm honestly not malicious and some of the stuff I get on here is unwanted.
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Gosh, a few of us are having a right old time of it lately aren't we. I don't think some people realise (even ourselves sometimes) how hurtful our words are. And if there are malicious words being thrown at you....well that is not warranted so stop blaming yourself.
 
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CPLforever said:
I think in your last two posts you have detailed your actions, your thinking/reasoning behind your actions. That shows a level of self awareness which whilst not a "cure" can form the basis of future behaviour and responses.

See the fact is we can sometimes find it hard not to spiral, like it seems you did, a kind of maladjusted (?) coping mechanism, the trick is, and your therapist should help you with this, is to recognise what is happening and at the very least try and minimise the harm.

Good luck.
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Yeah we work on that. The problem is my side - letting go of the last behaviours. And ND making trauma harder to understand and re-process. Thanks.
 
DBStar said:
I have had an absolutely awful week. Last Saturday we went to a colleague of my partner for food and drinks. I had an interview on Monday for a job that will be life changing financially if I get it, and was resolved to spending all of Sunday prepping for it. Unfortunately, I drank far too much and I was completely lost for time, where I was, what I needed to do the next day etc. I've never known a loss of mind like it, I was completely zoned out from everyone else in terms of behaviour and feeling. Even cut my hand catching a knife that I span up in the air to catch and was trying to play the piano... Then I was offered a few lines and next thing I know, I've done that, transferred money and bought some more, gone through that and its 3.30am. Sunday was a complete write-off with a hangover, so I had 2-3 hours Monday morning to prepare for the interview, but I was still so spaced out. I knew all of my answers, but come the interview just gave the bones of the answers and didn't flesh anything out as much as I should. I was nervous as hell, but I think I actually came across over-confident and almost aloof at times.

I've spent the entire week since in a state of high anxiety (which is bad enough as it is due to work). Beating myself up over it, it's kicked off all of my childhood trauma massively, and I have been in a cycle of rumination and looking for excuses to self-sabotage - die, run away, break up with my partner as I feel like I let her and her daughter down. Something is stopping me, but it is by the finest of margins. I know they love me and I don't want to hurt them. I don't know why, but they do and they are the first people I have never tried to push away. I have issues with repetition compulsion (repeating past traumatic events) so I think of stupid ideas like finding abusive women instead to partner up with. But nowadays they are strong ideas, rather than something I would act on. Typically, my therapist was on holiday this week so there was no debrief opportunity. I have become calmer over the weekend, though I feel wracked with guilt now because I left my little dog in the yard accidentally for a couple of hours when I was out and he spent the whole time clambering to get in. He is a bag of nerves on medication for anxiety. He is only just back to himself after a day.
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Sounds like a myriad of self-sabotaging behaviours, there.

I don’t know if you speak to someone about this, but if you want my advice, try using ChatGPT to talk through some of the issues you have if you don’t think you can open up, or you’re at a loss.

As crazy as it might sound using an AI language model for something like this, it’s trainable, and I basically get it to act as my de facto psychotherapist (as I’m someone who would never speak to a real one) when I’m in my head. And it’s surprisingly insightful and helpful.
 
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CPLforever said:
I think in your last two posts you have detailed your actions, your thinking/reasoning behind your actions. That shows a level of self awareness which whilst not a "cure" can form the basis of future behaviour and responses.

See the fact is we can sometimes find it hard not to spiral, like it seems you did, a kind of maladjusted (?) coping mechanism, the trick is, and your therapist should help you with this, is to recognise what is happening and at the very least try and minimise the harm.

Good luck.

Gosh, a few of us are having a right old time of it lately aren't we. I don't think some people realise (even ourselves sometimes) how hurtful our words are. And if there are malicious words being thrown at you....well that is not warranted so stop blaming yourself.
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There's even been a certain poster who everyone likes messaging people saying report me so I get banned
 
Thurston said:
I don’t know if you speak to someone about this, but if you want my advice, try using ChatGPT to talk through some of the issues you have if you don’t think you can open up, or you’re at a loss.

As crazy as it might sound using an AI language model for something like this, it’s trainable, and I basically get it to act as my de facto psychotherapist (as I’m someone who would never speak to a real one) when I’m in my head. And it’s surprisingly insightful and helpful.
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I pay for psychotherapy. I find a level of self compassion for others that I cannot for myself. It just doesn't happen, or is happening incredibly slowly. Sometimes I cannot square things off in my brain and I am sure it is ND related as well as trauma. E.g. as humans we are biologically pre-disposed to nurture babies and children. It would take a huge force of will for me to override that and abuse a child in any form. I am not perfect, I argue with the nipper sometimes but I think it is generally where necessary and constructive, and it is never personal. But I can only really understand things through lived experience and I cannot understand any external factor that led to me being treated the way I was. I know all the theory behind relying on caregivers and why I feel that way, but I cannot understand it in relation to myself.
chopsfc007 said:
I'm told to ignore it or challenge but when I challenge I get warned I try to ignore it from now on.
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I would try that. Sometimes tone is lost in messages online and it can escalate very quickly. I see a lot of threads where people derail them going after one another in PF. PF especially is not well moderated compared to some boards you see, where virtually every post is self-moderated and informative.
 
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