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Depression thread continued...

Sick of suddenly getting breathing issues ten times worse than normal along with stomach pain and sweating that lasts ages
 

Roker SOL said:
I've decided to do nothing. Basically, if it's contained to each of their social circles at worst then it should fizzle out. People move on to the next story eventually. Reacting could make things worse.

The only problem is a personal friend who helps me occasionally lives nearby to her friend. If they mouth off to her then that is a potential problem. I'll play by ear and be ready to have an awkward conversation.

My own mental health isn't worth it, especially when things are going well.
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So counselling last Tuesday did not go well.

On the way in, I found myself thinking in loops about various things. As said, I know that the lass I was seeing has spoken to a friend of her as above about me and it sort of got to me.

In the end, I did a "measured" damage containment with my former lady friend. The mate who warned me to get rid pointed out she would not hesitate to stick the boot in. I didn't name or otherwise identify her, just put it out there that a former friend said I was being dishonest and I would not be dishonest about mental health and ASD. Word will filter back to her if it hasn't already and that should be enough. If she has a go, it will be against someone with mental health issues and that will not reflect well on her. I feel bad for doing this, but better than her spreading that I'm a liar and making my situation worse.

As said, I did try to apologise after the row, pulled back when I realise how insignificant the incident was and bar briefly reaching out (another friend's advice to try to part on good terms) and being blanked a while later, I have left her well alone for ages. I don't want her back in my life.

As blocking was sporadic to begin with, I think she's seen me reach out to others on social media as regards ASD and mental health. While I was doing that before the row without her making an issue, I wonder if she's seen this as me getting at her. The answer is simply no as I need to understand others and their perspectives. That's dealt with with blocks fully in place. She can't see me, I can't see her. This is another factor that tells me I'm well rid.

I was no longer part of her life, so why should it be a matter for her? Yes, she's been hurt by others, but using me as psychological punch bag with that next-to-nothing event as a pre-text for what others have done to her is not fair to me. Why has she raised this again when each of us is no more than a tiny, disappearing dot in the rear view of the other? I can't tread on egg shells forever in the remote possibility something I do she might accidentally see. I need to get on with my life and heal myself.

But it's raised an extra issue with the counselling in that the loops of behaviour I found myself in (trying too hard to fix things being the main one - try once then get out is the fix) are being reflected in my thought processes.

With ASD sufferers, we can overplan how a conversation might go. Either the conversation goes in a different direction and those thoughts were pointless or we trap ourselves into a pointless or detremental loop of a conversation that goes nowhere. And that's the loop I got trapped in on Tuesday. There's a fortnight's break to the next session so by then my former lady friend will hopefully be well and truely in the past, mentally as well as physically.

Normally before a session, I get about 1/4 hour sit down in a quiet space before I go in. I've found I need that. It didn't help matters when a woman with more serious problems started talking incessantly about her own issues and basically, it did my head in. I could feel myself heading for shut-down and the counsellor turning up actually rescued me.

Perhaps I need a bad day in order to move forward and the counsellor has suggested this. I do see that logic to be fair.

One good thing that happened is I found myself in touch with a woman I was on holiday with last year. She's been diagnosed with dyspraxia and there's alot of overlap with ASD, so we were able to talk to each other. She's asked about CBT and I've advised her it can be very helpful, but be prepared for things you'd forgotten to resurface. I was honest that it wouldn't be easy but ultimately should be helpful and it has generally been for me. So one good bit is perhaps I've helped someone who is further back along the path than me and shown her a way forward. She appears to be apprehensive about it, so probably needs space and time to make a decision.

Her current partner of five years seems to be a good bloke as I met him too (he has a neurodiverse son), but she broke something and thought she was going to be hit (her words)??? He comforted her instead and put her at her ease. But there is the suggestion previous partners have not been so understanding - some dyspraxics as well as ASD'ers can find themselves hating themselves for minor things. And it they're with someone who doesn't understand what neurodiversity means and will not learn or believe, then that can make the situation worse (i.e. her previous partners, my former lady friend).

And just by typing that, I guess I have learned a valuable lesson. 🙂
 
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Becs said:
Morning marra. I'm plodding on thanks.

Biopsies all came back clear from colonoscopy so that's a relief.

Still struggling with other issues though.

Hope all is well with you xx
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The more I read from you, the better I understand you. Keep moving forward and you'll be fine. 😀
 
Got pre going out anxiety today. Don't know why this happens. Just going out with two mates I've known since I was 4 year old but feel really anxious until I've got a couple of pints down. f***ing weird.

I know they will ask how things are with me and our lass and they're asking with good intentions but I don't want to talk about it with them.
 
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Ciro_DiMarzio said:
Got pre going out anxiety today. Don't know why this happens. Just going out with two mates I've known since I was 4 year old but feel really anxious until I've got a couple of pints down. f***ing weird.

I know they will ask how things are with me and our lass and they're asking with good intentions but I don't want to talk about it with them.
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I had anxiety yesterday before meeting up with old school friends. I'm in Cambridge for a wedding. Took a few pints before i met up. If they ask, just say same old.
 
Roker SOL said:
With ASD sufferers, we can overplan how a conversation might go. Either the conversation goes in a different direction and those thoughts were pointless or we trap ourselves into a pointless or detremental loop of a conversation that goes nowhere. And that's the loop I got trapped in on Tuesday. There's a fortnight's break to the next session so by then my former lady friend will hopefully be well and truely in the past, mentally as well as physically.
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Rumination and planning conversations are a big part of trauma too. Most people ruminate at some point, usually after traumatic events like breakups and they ruminate about what they might have done differently when in reality there was probably nothing. I spent decades pre-planning conversations like that and as you say they never go to plan. The only time they did is when I forced them and then I ended up looking terrible to everybody and feeling bad for passive aggression. Not being able to read facial expressions and the room particularly well though makes it difficult to go in to situations without a script.
 
DBStar said:
Rumination and planning conversations are a big part of trauma too. Most people ruminate at some point, usually after traumatic events like breakups and they ruminate about what they might have done differently when in reality there was probably nothing. I spent decades pre-planning conversations like that and as you say they never go to plan. The only time they did is when I forced them and then I ended up looking terrible to everybody and feeling bad for passive aggression. Not being able to read facial expressions and the room particularly well though makes it difficult to go in to situations without a script.
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I hate this. Trying to predict what might be talked about, then saying to yourself "if they say this then I will say that""but if they say thay, then I will say this". Bloody hell even looking stuff up so I would have my facts right in case certain topics came up. I always always always feel I am at odds with people. Like the outlier of the group.
 
DBStar said:
Most people ruminate at some point, usually after traumatic events like breakups and they ruminate about what they might have done differently when in reality there was probably nothing.
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It's something I've been working on in counselling but it got a bit much due to things that happened in the past. We worked on illness this week looking at ways I can better manage my pain and symptoms and worked out some coping strategies for looking after myself better instead.

I've got a week off next week as I'm in a training call for work which I can't get out of and she didn't have any other diary space free to fit me in. Think a break will be good to be honest as I'm finding it hard.
 
Becs said:
It's something I've been working on in counselling but it got a bit much due to things that happened in the past. We worked on illness this week looking at ways I can better manage my pain and symptoms and worked out some coping strategies for looking after myself better instead.

I've got a week off next week as I'm in a training call for work which I can't get out of and she didn't have any other diary space free to fit me in. Think a break will be good to be honest as I'm finding it hard.
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Yep, seriously. We can come out of treatment feeling terrible. Doesn't mean it isn't good for us in the long run but it can be mentally and physically exhausting.
 
DBStar said:
Rumination and planning conversations are a big part of trauma too. Most people ruminate at some point, usually after traumatic events like breakups and they ruminate about what they might have done differently when in reality there was probably nothing. I spent decades pre-planning conversations like that and as you say they never go to plan. The only time they did is when I forced them and then I ended up looking terrible to everybody and feeling bad for passive aggression. Not being able to read facial expressions and the room particularly well though makes it difficult to go in to situations without a script.
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It is perhaps an ASD-related factor that my social skills and notably my ability to read people came later than most. I'm guessing I was 5 or so years behind others.

But I have learned to read most people since. I remember a lecturer talking about body posturing in my mid-20s and from that point on, I guess the penny began to drop and I began to put the rest together. But reading people is a learned skill for me and not a natural ability.

An interesting moment in the bust up with my lady friend was an old school photo surfacing from 1986 / 1987. She was in the photo and I wasn't - because it looks like I took the photo (can't remember for sure). I noticed two things.

It was last day before Christmas in 1986 and dressdown was allowed for 6th formers. I noticed the style of what she was wearing then matched up with her now, with her boots being of a very similar style to back then. Another thing was she didn't smile in that or a couple of other photos. She rarely smiled in the recent period we were meeting up either.

She's not moved on while I from necessity have. Admittedly I have my ASD /OCD routines, but wow. I'm far more able to make a joke of things and I remember walking around Hexham with her and her dog. I found it funny and made a joke that the dog seemed to be using it's leader to trip me up. She remained serious the whole time and in retrospect I don't like the way she was yanking the poor little thing around as it was that the dog was reacting to (so not so funny).

So bust up time came and 2024 version of me tried to fix things. I tried possibly too hard before backing off. Unfortunately, she'd not been upgraded since 1987.

1987 me would have told her to f... off and walked away. Looking back to meeting up with her again, for once the 1987 version of me would have walked away with less damage. 2024 me got trapped in a mini-loop (two attempts) of feeling I'd failed if I didn't fix things but finally accepting things couldn't be fixed.

Feeling crap walking away after one far more subtle attempt would have been better than being trapped in this mini-ASD-loop and doing myself more harm.

I've learned a valuable lesson, which I was able to take into the counselling.

More important, if I'd remembered she didn't smile at school and was that miserable, I'd never have met up with her again the the first place.
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The biggest lift to me during what has beena difficult period is people being happy.
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((( Reading that back, it's irony that being the more adult "bigger man" (2024 version) and trying to fix things actually made me more vulnerable to the mini-ASD loop than being the more immature 1987 version who'd have told her to do one. )))
 
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