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Depression

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Hendon Mad Frog said:
You shouldn't listen to anything your child's mother says about your career or income.

As long as you're providing adequately, I'm sure your child would rather have a less stressed and happier dad around than one who's stressed out and seen as a money funnel.

It's hard enough to listen to or ignore that voice in your head telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing to improve yourself, without taking on a lot of other people's opinions.
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If they are not together I’d be telling her to get royally fucked tbh.
de Ruyter said:
Thanks. Good post and makes sense.

Funny situation this. Have accepted both. Started the higher paid one knowing the last time I did this type of role I crashed out and it took me ages to get sorted.

I was shit at it too if am honest because I lack the personality, strength and drive to do such a job. At 47 that is unlikely to change as am a proper plodder

So am trying to work out if I can do it (as the imposter fearing the worst) while thinking I can flee to the lower level job (sabotaging the current one by running away).

Probably better for my wellbeing to step down but a lot less money. Then there's pressure and expectation from others. Not least the kids mother. Get no sense from them

Got about 2 more weeks till I have to decide. Don't think there's a right answer. Maybe you're right about breaking it down into steps and goals

More like a careers advice ramble this!
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Just wanted to add a bit more on the careers advice front after having a think over my coffee.

Is this a "job" or is it a "career" move?

I would strongly advise against spreading yourself too thinly, especially if it is the latter. I highly recommend you challenging yourself to build that confidence as I suggested, but setting yourself up for failure is not wise. If money is the issue, remember that most of the money out there comes from specialising in an area. Are you able to delay some of gratification in terms of money, or is cash flow the issue?

You are going to give yourself the best chance in the medium-to-long run by picking one path and sticking to it. If you have another job distracting you when you need to be getting your head down in the other, it's not going to go down well with your employer if you aren't able to dedicate yourself to it when required. It will be something for those nagging voices in your head to feed off as well. You are 47 so granted, you are no spring chicken, but you potentially still have another 10-20 years ahead of you. That is a full blown career.
 
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Lonz said:
As others have said already, you have been accepted for the role because you are deemed the best candidate who applied. That includes everything you’ve achieved already on your CV and how you can across in the interview. This is the first bit of evidence you can build on.

Just to clarify my earlier post, I meant to stress ‘what success would look like to you?” not your colleagues, or friends or family. I’m not sure whether that was what came across. This is your job and you are allowed your own things in life and no one on the outside has anything to do with it, really. It’s difficult to advise without knowing you or what the jobs are but be wary of putting too much unnecessary stress on yourself. Maybe take one job on now and if it goes well, there will always be others available should you need the extra cash.

Pressures from loved ones are tough, we do not want to let anyone down but we all have different strengths and weaknesses in our personalities and skills. We can build on them though.

Without knowing what the job is or entails, it sounds like there are already things you already know you can improve on. This is a good thing. It’s likely you’re not as bad as you think you are but this would be a good place to start with setting those goals I mentioned. Where would you like to be in a month’s time with these, realistically? Work your way back from there one day at a time. Even one hour at a time. Start building that stack of evidence one bit at a time.

This sounds like this could be a really good opportunity for some personal growth mate. None of us are the finished article and we’re all learning. Take this chance to prove those annoying, lying voices in your head wrong. I’m rooting for you.
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Had a read of your replies and other people's. Thank you.

I probably didn't make sense.

Accepted both jobs but will only do one. I can walk out of this one with a weeks notice during the probation period

Almost keeping 2 options hanging as an insurance policy.

If am not feeling this one, once the pre employment checks are done for the other, I'll walk if I decide to

Also, agreed on what's been said about other influences on my life.

Am just not putting myself what I endured 3+ years ago. Excessive pressure and me probably won't mix ever again

We shall see. Am sort of in a see what happens phase....
 
de Ruyter said:
Had a read of your replies and other people's. Thank you.

I probably didn't make sense.

Accepted both jobs but will only do one. I can walk out of this one with a weeks notice during the probation period

Almost keeping 2 options hanging as an insurance policy.

If am not feeling this one, once the pre employment checks are done for the other, I'll walk if I decide to

Also, agreed on what's been said about other influences on my life.

Am just not putting myself what I endured 3+ years ago. Excessive pressure and me probably won't mix ever again

We shall see. Am sort of in a see what happens phase....
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Wishing you the best of luck fella.
 
de Ruyter said:
Had a read of your replies and other people's. Thank you.

I probably didn't make sense.

Accepted both jobs but will only do one. I can walk out of this one with a weeks notice during the probation period

Almost keeping 2 options hanging as an insurance policy.

If am not feeling this one, once the pre employment checks are done for the other, I'll walk if I decide to

Also, agreed on what's been said about other influences on my life.

Am just not putting myself what I endured 3+ years ago. Excessive pressure and me probably won't mix ever again

We shall see. Am sort of in a see what happens phase....
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All you can do is take things day by day mate.
 
lucky said:
What I honestly can say though is I am definitely no expert in anything but I'd like to think I'm a good judge of character and @de Ruyter is one of life's good blokes and he deserves the best of luck in everything as sometimes you really do need a bit of luck.
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Likewise sir

Most folk are good folk. Some have more struggles than others sadly. I should also have said tbh am in a fortunate position in these times and shouldn't forget it when things feel bad
 
Yesterday I quit my job of nearly ten years. I dont have any energy, I'm tired all the time and I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. I've tried all sorts of things with changing diet, pills and lifestyle but ultimately I think its all in my head and I need a change and time to recover. Either way, how things have been for a while now is no way to live a life.

I don't have another job to go to but I'm very lucky to have a fair amount of savings and I can pay off my mortgage tomorrow if I want and still have a good wedge left over. Despite this, my wife is stressed and thinks I'm doing the wrong thing and catastrophising that I'll never get a job again. I understand her worry and as a man and the breadwinner, I do feel a sense of pressure to be strong and working. Furthermore, while I want this to be a positive thing to make my life better, I also feel a sense of shame as a failure for leaving work.
 
Turner the Cat said:
Yesterday I quit my job of nearly ten years. I dont have any energy, I'm tired all the time and I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. I've tried all sorts of things with changing diet, pills and lifestyle but ultimately I think its all in my head and I need a change and time to recover. Either way, how things have been for a while now is no way to live a life.

I don't have another job to go to but I'm very lucky to have a fair amount of savings and I can pay off my mortgage tomorrow if I want and still have a good wedge left over. Despite this, my wife is stressed and thinks I'm doing the wrong thing and catastrophising that I'll never get a job again. I understand her worry and as a man and the breadwinner, I do feel a sense of pressure to be strong and working. Furthermore, while I want this to be a positive thing to make my life better, I also feel a sense of shame as a failure for leaving work.
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Perhaps the bigger failure would be that of doing nothing? You know what they say about management, that people are promoted to their level of incompetence. I can fully understand that both theoretically and from my experience of working with managers in Education and the NHS who were constantly evasive or or avoidant. Thus this is true of such people and many others. In a sense, I can sympathise too as many of us have been in a position unable to leave and hating the job we are in but do little about it. For myself, I was stuck in teaching having really wanted to be a school counsellor which role was being talked about in the early 1970's. Such job opportunities never arose until I felt so down and unappreciated when teachers worked to rule for some years in the mid 1980's that I decided to retrain as an Educational Psychologist in 1989-90 at the age of 39-40 years. Despite leaving my family home and wife with newly born twins and being rather anxious, I went to UCL and got my M.Sc. after a lot of hard work and commitment. I secured a post near to home, and worked in Education for 14 years. I then secured as post as a Consultant Child Psychologist in the NHS until my retirement. The point is this. My circumstances resulted in me doing something positive, like you have done. That is not the end of your life or your career. It is just the beginning of the rest of it!! Don't underestimate what you have learned and what you still have to offer.
 
bagpiperay said:
Perhaps the bigger failure would be that of doing nothing? You know what they say about management, that people are promoted to their level of incompetence. I can fully understand that both theoretically and from my experience of working with managers in Education and the NHS who were constantly evasive or or avoidant. Thus this is true of such people and many others. In a sense, I can sympathise too as many of us have been in a position unable to leave and hating the job we are in but do little about it. For myself, I was stuck in teaching having really wanted to be a school counsellor which role was being talked about in the early 1970's. Such job opportunities never arose until I felt so down and unappreciated when teachers worked to rule for some years in the mid 1980's that I decided to retrain as an Educational Psychologist in 1989-90 at the age of 39-40 years. Despite leaving my family home and wife with newly born twins and being rather anxious, I went to UCL and got my M.Sc. after a lot of hard work and commitment. I secured a post near to home, and worked in Education for 14 years. I then secured as post as a Consultant Child Psychologist in the NHS until my retirement. The point is this. My circumstances resulted in me doing something positive, like you have done. That is not the end of your life or your career. It is just the beginning of the rest of it!! Don't underestimate what you have learned and what you still have to offer.
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Great story. Thank you for sharing with me and well done for being brave and making that change. Really inspiring.

I think your story is more positive as there was something you wanted to do whereas mine is more driven by what I dont want to do.

I do want to take the positives from it though. My earnings are at a level most people would find eye watering and leaving my job now means losing about £100k of company shares. But I'm really not happy and struggle everyday. There's no point living like that.
 
Turner the Cat said:
Yesterday I quit my job of nearly ten years. I dont have any energy, I'm tired all the time and I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. I've tried all sorts of things with changing diet, pills and lifestyle but ultimately I think its all in my head and I need a change and time to recover. Either way, how things have been for a while now is no way to live a life.

I don't have another job to go to but I'm very lucky to have a fair amount of savings and I can pay off my mortgage tomorrow if I want and still have a good wedge left over. Despite this, my wife is stressed and thinks I'm doing the wrong thing and catastrophising that I'll never get a job again. I understand her worry and as a man and the breadwinner, I do feel a sense of pressure to be strong and working. Furthermore, while I want this to be a positive thing to make my life better, I also feel a sense of shame as a failure for leaving work.
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How did quitting your job make you feel mate , was it a relief ?
 
Turner the Cat said:
Great story. Thank you for sharing with me and well done for being brave and making that change. Really inspiring.

I think your story is more positive as there was something you wanted to do whereas mine is more driven by what I dont want to do.

I do want to take the positives from it though. My earnings are at a level most people would find eye watering and leaving my job now means losing about £100k of company shares. But I'm really not happy and struggle everyday. There's no point living like that.
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When I decided to leave teaching I didn't have a job to go to and there were those who said I might never get a job and I would be better off staying in teaching. I decided to apply for a trainee post with all 105 LEA's and every University running the applied Master's training course (except Northern Ireland which was overseas). I did this on the basis that if I was committing myself to this action I should not be limiting myself either. I had a number of interviews for courses from Exeter to Newcastle but decided to go to UCL. Then the applications for LEA funding was so long winded with my multiple page application done on a daisy wheel printer. As it happened, I got one financial offer from Northumberland LEA without the guarantee of a job at the end of it. It didn't deter me. There was student worry, tears at times for more than just me on the course, but I was moving forwards and not backwards. That continued throughout my career with relevant post grad diplomas in Clinical Hypnosis and CBT. Do I regret it? Not at all. And the older you get the less money is important and the more importance you attach to family, parents, friends. Perhaps you can think about what it is you want now that you are free from a major burden and a great source of anxiety?
 
bagpiperay said:
When I decided to leave teaching I didn't have a job to go to and there were those who said I might never get a job and I would be better off staying in teaching. I decided to apply for a trainee post with all 105 LEA's and every University running the applied Master's training course (except Northern Ireland which was overseas). I did this on the basis that if I was committing myself to this action I should not be limiting myself either. I had a number of interviews for courses from Exeter to Newcastle but decided to go to UCL. Then the applications for LEA funding was so long winded with my multiple page application done on a daisy wheel printer. As it happened, I got one financial offer from Northumberland LEA without the guarantee of a job at the end of it. It didn't deter me. There was student worry, tears at times for more than just me on the course, but I was moving forwards and not backwards. That continued throughout my career with relevant post grad diplomas in Clinical Hypnosis and CBT. Do I regret it? Not at all. And the older you get the less money is important and the more importance you attach to family, parents, friends. Perhaps you can think about what it is you want now that you are free from a major burden and a great source of anxiety?
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Completely agree. I've worked so hard for years and its really impacted on my health and wellbeing but now health and happiness are really what matter to me. I dont know what I want right now beyond being happy, healthy and enjoying life but at least I'll be able to start thinking about how that might work.
 
Turner the Cat said:
Completely agree. I've worked so hard for years and its really impacted on my health and wellbeing but now health and happiness are really what matter to me. I dont know what I want right now beyond being happy, healthy and enjoying life but at least I'll be able to start thinking about how that might work.
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I’m so pleased for you and I’m sure you’ll wake up tomorrow feeling somewhat better and more optimistic for your future.
 
Turner the Cat said:
Great story. Thank you for sharing with me and well done for being brave and making that change. Really inspiring.

I think your story is more positive as there was something you wanted to do whereas mine is more driven by what I dont want to do.

I do want to take the positives from it though. My earnings are at a level most people would find eye watering and leaving my job now means losing about £100k of company shares. But I'm really not happy and struggle everyday. There's no point living like that.
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There’s no way you won’t walk into another job after a short break, if you’re already at a high earning level. I’m sure you know that already. But be safe in the knowledge that if shit does hit the fan, the demand is always out there for proven experience and talent.

It sounds like you’ve got rid of one bit of stress and gained another in the wife losing her mind a bit, but she’ll come around.

I am currently in the long process of changing my career. Fortunately I was able to take on a more part-time role while doing flight school to become a pilot. I felt the same relief you mentioned and I can confirm that after maybe a couple days where I thought I might have made a mistake, I have never been more positive about the future. It’s a big pivot you’re doing but the relief you’re feeling says it all. It’s your body is talking to you.

I had my mother who was worrier in my case. Maybe it’s a woman thing. She’s come round though when she’s seen how much more upbeat I am. Other things in my life have kind of fallen into place around it as well because I’m generally a nicer person to be around.

Recharge the batteries and go again if/when you’re ready for a new challenge.
 
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