Telling jokes

Tuono said:
I was doing work for someone and I just happened to ask what his job was. He said he worked for a company that made parts for satellites. Quick as a flash I said well it's not exactly rocket science is it. He said no then started to describe what he made.
Another time in Chelsea me and my mates saw a load of police outside a hairdressers with the alarms going off. I asked the female cop if there had been a break in and she said yes. So I said "are you going to comb the area", she just gave me a death stare, miserable cow.
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They found the criminal hiding in a bush.
 


Monday morning s in the office during the 70s and 80s were eagerly awaited as all the jokes collected over the weekend came out.

The best source was the building sites with some real corkers!

Most totally unacceptable these days and not PC .
 
Telling jokes is for idiots who haven’t got the sense they were born with. You will never tell a joke people will get. There is no such thing as a joke people can get.

A bloke comes in to the store and we exchange jokes frequently. But I never get the chance to say it all before someone is asking for my attention. But virtually every time someone fails to get the joke. I give up sometimes. I despair.
 
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ShieldsBlackCat2015 said:
Telling jokes is for idiots who haven’t got the sense they were born with. You will never tell a joke people will get. There is no such thing as a joke people can get.

A bloke comes in to the store and we exchange jokes frequently. But I never get the chance to say it all before someone is asking for my attention. But virtually every time someone fails to get the joke. I give up sometimes. I despair.
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Erm, wow.
 
ShieldsBlackCat2015 said:
Telling jokes is for idiots who haven’t got the sense they were born with. You will never tell a joke people will get. There is no such thing as a joke people can get.

A bloke comes in to the store and we exchange jokes frequently. But I never get the chance to say it all before someone is asking for my attention. But virtually every time someone fails to get the joke. I give up sometimes. I despair.
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Not often I’m speechless, but erm
 
Got told one at work I had to Google but buckled me


3 men die and are transported up to heaven where they met God.

God towers over them and says "Your quality of life here will be based on the way you lived your life on earth. I'm giving each of you your heavenly transport. This will be based on your faithfulness to your partners."

God turns to the first man. "How many times were you unfaithful to your wife?"

"Never, god."

"Very good," says God, "You may have a Ferrari."

God turns to the second man.

"Well, God, I've been unfaithful to my wife 4 times."

God thinks for a minute, "very well, you will get a beaten up Volvo."

God then asks the last man.

"Sorry God," he says, "I've cheated 15 times."

"Then you shall have a Bicycle."

The men get into their vehicles and drive off around heaven. A few minutes later they come across the Ferrari pulled over at the side of the road where the first man is on the floor, crying.

"What's up with you?", "You got the best car out of all of us."

"I know," he sobbed, "but I've just seen my wife pass on a pair of roller skates!"
 
Pnematic1 said:
Monday morning s in the office during the 70s and 80s were eagerly awaited as all the jokes collected over the weekend came out.

The best source was the building sites with some real corkers!

Most totally unacceptable these days and not PC .
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I remember one very well, in our site office when the Fred West excavations were going on, one of the formen who was a good laugh comes into work and announces that 2 more bodies have been found, who were they asks someone - two teddy boys he says, the boy, a trainee QS pipes up " How the f** k do they know they are teddy boys? "
The Foreman "because they were in the drain pipes"
The whole place erupted with laughter, you had to be there to appreciate it, still laugh at it now.
 
ShieldsBlackCat2015 said:
Telling jokes is for idiots who haven’t got the sense they were born with. You will never tell a joke people will get. There is no such thing as a joke people can get.

A bloke comes in to the store and we exchange jokes frequently. But I never get the chance to say it all before someone is asking for my attention. But virtually every time someone fails to get the joke. I give up sometimes. I despair.
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You actually scare the shit out of me lad.
 
nandos sonic sauce said:
The art of telling a joke is getting lost. People now think they are comedians by sending Memes to each other
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Or make a comment on the Internet followed by 😄😄😄😄

Laughing at their own brilliance
ShieldsBlackCat2015 said:
Telling jokes is for idiots who haven’t got the sense they were born with. You will never tell a joke people will get. There is no such thing as a joke people can get.

A bloke comes in to the store and we exchange jokes frequently. But I never get the chance to say it all before someone is asking for my attention. But virtually every time someone fails to get the joke. I give up sometimes. I despair.
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I don't get that one ...
 
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CPLforever said:
Was round some friends for dinner a few months ago and one was talking about her paintings (she's very good). I sighed and bemoaned the fact I couldn’t draw a straight line (that's a north east saying isn it) another friend said "why would you need too?" I replied, quick as you like "cos i'm a Cubist"

We howled, seriously crying laughing, probably helped by the flowing wine. Everyone else just looked at us as though we were mad. Tried to "tell" the joke again but blanks.

That's the sort of joke I love and miss those weird funny off the cuff remarks on a night out with yer mates that leave you creased.

See that is funny.
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Sounds like a fast show sketch
Oh how we howled
Which was nice
 
Kent_Mackem said:
One of my favourite films. "GIVE HIM THE SEDAGIVE!"
Peter Boyle should have won an Oscar, he was fecking brilliant. The way he has a go at the thunder and lighting when he breaks the door down is class.

I've just watched the Putting' on the Ritz scene again on YouTube. Absolutely brilliant.
POOOOTIN ON THE RIIIIIITZ

"Hit it..."

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I just laughed out loud at that first Frankie singing line.
ShieldsBlackCat2015 said:
Telling jokes is for idiots who haven’t got the sense they were born with. You will never tell a joke people will get. There is no such thing as a joke people can get.

A bloke comes in to the store and we exchange jokes frequently. But I never get the chance to say it all before someone is asking for my attention. But virtually every time someone fails to get the joke. I give up sometimes. I despair.
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so you’re an idiot who doesn’t have the sense you were born with 🤣
 
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Feed the Monster said:
I just laughed out loud at that first Frankie singing line.


so you’re an idiot who doesn’t have the sense you were born with 🤣
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I do have the Ignore button though 😂😂😂
JAZZMANB said:
Or make a comment on the Internet followed by 😄😄😄😄

Laughing at their own brilliance

I don't get that one ...
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Ok. Try this one out.

A SMB member laughed at another and got put on Ignore 😂😂😂
safc9450 said:
It's O.K. It's ShieldsBlackCat2015. ☺️ 🤣👍
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Yes. It’s me. And you know what happens next 😂😂
Gentwo said:
Not often I’m speechless, but erm
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It’s not often I don’t put people on Ignore either 😂😂😂😂
 
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