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Depression

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Fred said:
Yeah it was him but starting to figure out that he just isn't worth the hassle of getting upset over. I could cry over it or I could get on with it. I'm going to try and do the latter now.
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Mate if it makes you feel better have a cry then get on with it. I can cry for England ha.
 

I’m pleased this thread is here so I can vent without being judged. What an absolutely shite few weeks.

Not too long since being diagnosed and put on medication myself, for my wife to then have a breakdown (post natal) and her mam to then also have an absolute meltdown having recently lost my father in law to suicide. All while having a 7 month old and work to think of.

I know this looks like a ‘ooo feel sorry for me’ post, but I find it easier posting on here rather than speak to some friends/family who are very much a ‘ahh it’ll be fine, just get on with it’ bunch.
 
Scootsie said:
I’m pleased this thread is here so I can vent without being judged. What an absolutely shite few weeks.

Not too long since being diagnosed and put on medication myself, for my wife to then have a breakdown (post natal) and her mam to then also have an absolute meltdown having recently lost my father in law to suicide. All while having a 7 month old and work to think of.

I know this looks like a ‘ooo feel sorry for me’ post, but I find it easier posting on here rather than speak to some friends/family who are very much a ‘ahh it’ll be fine, just get on with it’ bunch.
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Ahhhh it really isn't "oooo feel sorry for me " at all. Jesus it sounds awful at the minute especially not being a 100% yourself. That's what this thread is all about mate and @Gazoliver has loads of useful numbers if your ever stuck or someone not online here. Also the thing about this thread what I realise about others it doesn't matter if your having a shitty day yourself you still try and help someone. Good on you though for speaking out and vent as much as you want pal.
 
lucky said:
Ahhhh it really isn't "oooo feel sorry for me " at all. Jesus it sounds awful at the minute especially not being a 100% yourself. That's what this thread is all about mate and @Gazoliver has loads of useful numbers if your ever stuck or someone not online here. Also the thing about this thread what I realise about others it doesn't matter if your having a shitty day yourself you still try and help someone. Good on you though for speaking out and vent as much as you want pal.
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Thanks mate.

Luckily the little’un has kept me going bless him, but it’s good to know there’s plenty of people on here that understand.
 
Scootsie said:
Thanks mate.

Luckily the little’un has kept me going bless him, but it’s good to know there’s plenty of people on here that understand.
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Think everyone has different problems mate but like I said the one thing everyone has in common is they will all help. Ahhhh bless id give anything to be a dad again my daughter is 18 now and it's scary ha but I might have fucked up so many times in life the one thing I can honestly say is that I have gave everything to being the best dad I can be.
 
My mood is terribly inconsistent, I tend to go from feeling ok to despair within a couple of hours. It feels like I'm struggling to keep it all surpressed.

I'm going to say a couple of things that are controversial here and I certainly don't want anyone to think it's sound advice. But I'm done with talking (other than the odd anonymous comments like here). Other than some initial CBT, which was useful in helping me understand myself and this disease, I really don't find it helpful. The main problem being that at some point, people expect progress and you to be better. People think it's "brave" to speak up and ask for help at first. But when you're still struggling years later, they are fed up of hearing it.

I also find that work is both my biggest problem and my best medicine. Being a manager and having people depend on me means that I find a way to hide the way I am and just get on with things. I know this is seen as the wrong way, but I function. When I don't have work and people depending on me, the way I feel tends to overwhelm me into inaction. Today is a perfect example. I lay in bed unable to move for a few hours this morning, just feeling unable to do anything. Then there was a work emergency and I had to log on for half an hour. So I got out of bed and from there I've showered, done some washing and eaten. My mood has lifted a little and so has my energy. The flipside is that I'm so overworked that I'm not actually taking any time to look after myself and I know it's unhealthy, plus my physical health is in a pretty perilous position. On top of this, I find some of my work relationships a bit awkward sometimes too because I don't want to tell people that I spend entire weekends doing nothing because I couldn't function (as I don't feel that's what they need from a manager).

I'm struggling to know what to do. I realise that right now I'm just "existing". My life is basically a series of performances for other people until I can be alone behind a locked door again.

I've had bad experiences with anti-depressants in the past and I don't feel like it's a path I want to go down. Talking, at least in therapy, isn't something I want to do again.

A break from work is probably what I need, but there are so many negatives to this that it worries me. First of all, I'm a people pleaser and I'll let others down. I know me being off will put a lot of pressure onto other people. By those higher up, I'll be that person who has had time off for mental health twice. It happened about 4 years ago and my career has stalled since (though I could never prove this is why). Then the dynamics of my work relationships will change with people "concerned" about me to the point that I'll feel like I have to re-assure everyone and pretend I'm ok again. I also worry that without the routine and need to perform, I'll sink even further into a hole. But the worst part is that I'm not sure any of this will change and I'll go back to doing too much again anyway because it's a flaw in my personality.
 
FlashGordon said:
My mood is terribly inconsistent, I tend to go from feeling ok to despair within a couple of hours. It feels like I'm struggling to keep it all surpressed.

I'm going to say a couple of things that are controversial here and I certainly don't want anyone to think it's sound advice. But I'm done with talking (other than the odd anonymous comments like here). Other than some initial CBT, which was useful in helping me understand myself and this disease, I really don't find it helpful. The main problem being that at some point, people expect progress and you to be better. People think it's "brave" to speak up and ask for help at first. But when you're still struggling years later, they are fed up of hearing it.

I also find that work is both my biggest problem and my best medicine. Being a manager and having people depend on me means that I find a way to hide the way I am and just get on with things. I know this is seen as the wrong way, but I function. When I don't have work and people depending on me, the way I feel tends to overwhelm me into inaction. Today is a perfect example. I lay in bed unable to move for a few hours this morning, just feeling unable to do anything. Then there was a work emergency and I had to log on for half an hour. So I got out of bed and from there I've showered, done some washing and eaten. My mood has lifted a little and so has my energy. The flipside is that I'm so overworked that I'm not actually taking any time to look after myself and I know it's unhealthy, plus my physical health is in a pretty perilous position. On top of this, I find some of my work relationships a bit awkward sometimes too because I don't want to tell people that I spend entire weekends doing nothing because I couldn't function (as I don't feel that's what they need from a manager).

I'm struggling to know what to do. I realise that right now I'm just "existing". My life is basically a series of performances for other people until I can be alone behind a locked door again.

I've had bad experiences with anti-depressants in the past and I don't feel like it's a path I want to go down. Talking, at least in therapy, isn't something I want to do again.

A break from work is probably what I need, but there are so many negatives to this that it worries me. First of all, I'm a people pleaser and I'll let others down. I know me being off will put a lot of pressure onto other people. By those higher up, I'll be that person who has had time off for mental health twice. It happened about 4 years ago and my career has stalled since (though I could never prove this is why). Then the dynamics of my work relationships will change with people "concerned" about me to the point that I'll feel like I have to re-assure everyone and pretend I'm ok again. I also worry that without the routine and need to perform, I'll sink even further into a hole. But the worst part is that I'm not sure any of this will change and I'll go back to doing too much again anyway because it's a flaw in my personality.
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Ahhhh mate I totally get the not getting better part , I have been out this morning and have just woke up after half an hour sleep ( something I would never do ). Why are you even bothered if anyone thinks that " your the manager who took time off due to mental health " as this is definitely not a weakness. I would love to work again as that's all I have done from 16 year old ( not as a manager ) but I felt that taking time off was a weakness too so I just drank and coped. I would give anything to have that time off to take some time off rather than start to drink heavily , I will tell you one thing though you will realise when your on the bottom who your friends are mate. Please please please take care and if anything I can do to help I will.
 
Just gonna post as the last week was the most horrendous yet. Went without alcohol for an entire week.

Every single day I was having to lie down because of the dizziness due to anxiety. It went on for hours at a time. 10 hours of that shit is enough to test anyone
 
FlashGordon said:
My mood is terribly inconsistent, I tend to go from feeling ok to despair within a couple of hours. It feels like I'm struggling to keep it all surpressed.

I'm going to say a couple of things that are controversial here and I certainly don't want anyone to think it's sound advice. But I'm done with talking (other than the odd anonymous comments like here). Other than some initial CBT, which was useful in helping me understand myself and this disease, I really don't find it helpful. The main problem being that at some point, people expect progress and you to be better. People think it's "brave" to speak up and ask for help at first. But when you're still struggling years later, they are fed up of hearing it.

I also find that work is both my biggest problem and my best medicine. Being a manager and having people depend on me means that I find a way to hide the way I am and just get on with things. I know this is seen as the wrong way, but I function. When I don't have work and people depending on me, the way I feel tends to overwhelm me into inaction. Today is a perfect example. I lay in bed unable to move for a few hours this morning, just feeling unable to do anything. Then there was a work emergency and I had to log on for half an hour. So I got out of bed and from there I've showered, done some washing and eaten. My mood has lifted a little and so has my energy. The flipside is that I'm so overworked that I'm not actually taking any time to look after myself and I know it's unhealthy, plus my physical health is in a pretty perilous position. On top of this, I find some of my work relationships a bit awkward sometimes too because I don't want to tell people that I spend entire weekends doing nothing because I couldn't function (as I don't feel that's what they need from a manager).

I'm struggling to know what to do. I realise that right now I'm just "existing". My life is basically a series of performances for other people until I can be alone behind a locked door again.

I've had bad experiences with anti-depressants in the past and I don't feel like it's a path I want to go down. Talking, at least in therapy, isn't something I want to do again.

A break from work is probably what I need, but there are so many negatives to this that it worries me. First of all, I'm a people pleaser and I'll let others down. I know me being off will put a lot of pressure onto other people. By those higher up, I'll be that person who has had time off for mental health twice. It happened about 4 years ago and my career has stalled since (though I could never prove this is why). Then the dynamics of my work relationships will change with people "concerned" about me to the point that I'll feel like I have to re-assure everyone and pretend I'm ok again. I also worry that without the routine and need to perform, I'll sink even further into a hole. But the worst part is that I'm not sure any of this will change and I'll go back to doing too much again anyway because it's a flaw in my personality.
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I don't know if this helps in any way but there's someone reading this right now and writing this post to tell you I feel exactly the same. Thanks for sharing.
FlashGordon said:
My life is basically a series of performances for other people until I can be alone behind a locked door again.
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Articulated exactly how I feel. The daft thing is when I get the time behind closed doors to myself that I constantly crave, I feel even more flat.
 
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FlashGordon said:
My mood is terribly inconsistent, I tend to go from feeling ok to despair within a couple of hours. It feels like I'm struggling to keep it all surpressed.

I'm going to say a couple of things that are controversial here and I certainly don't want anyone to think it's sound advice. But I'm done with talking (other than the odd anonymous comments like here). Other than some initial CBT, which was useful in helping me understand myself and this disease, I really don't find it helpful. The main problem being that at some point, people expect progress and you to be better. People think it's "brave" to speak up and ask for help at first. But when you're still struggling years later, they are fed up of hearing it.

I also find that work is both my biggest problem and my best medicine. Being a manager and having people depend on me means that I find a way to hide the way I am and just get on with things. I know this is seen as the wrong way, but I function. When I don't have work and people depending on me, the way I feel tends to overwhelm me into inaction. Today is a perfect example. I lay in bed unable to move for a few hours this morning, just feeling unable to do anything. Then there was a work emergency and I had to log on for half an hour. So I got out of bed and from there I've showered, done some washing and eaten. My mood has lifted a little and so has my energy. The flipside is that I'm so overworked that I'm not actually taking any time to look after myself and I know it's unhealthy, plus my physical health is in a pretty perilous position. On top of this, I find some of my work relationships a bit awkward sometimes too because I don't want to tell people that I spend entire weekends doing nothing because I couldn't function (as I don't feel that's what they need from a manager).

I'm struggling to know what to do. I realise that right now I'm just "existing". My life is basically a series of performances for other people until I can be alone behind a locked door again.

I've had bad experiences with anti-depressants in the past and I don't feel like it's a path I want to go down. Talking, at least in therapy, isn't something I want to do again.

A break from work is probably what I need, but there are so many negatives to this that it worries me. First of all, I'm a people pleaser and I'll let others down. I know me being off will put a lot of pressure onto other people. By those higher up, I'll be that person who has had time off for mental health twice. It happened about 4 years ago and my career has stalled since (though I could never prove this is why). Then the dynamics of my work relationships will change with people "concerned" about me to the point that I'll feel like I have to re-assure everyone and pretend I'm ok again. I also worry that without the routine and need to perform, I'll sink even further into a hole. But the worst part is that I'm not sure any of this will change and I'll go back to doing too much again anyway because it's a flaw in my personality.
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I can totally relate to this post, regarding work.

The job I’m on, I deal with a lot of people on a daily basis who are suffering physically/mentally, and that in itself makes work really difficult at times.
On the flip side, listening to other people’s problems helps me in terms of forgetting about my own.

Time off work was mentioned by my GP a while ago and I declined for that reason, not wanting to put pressure on colleagues or wanting them to ask questions. In the end I’ve had to take it and I’ve been off for a month.

I’m not looking forward to people asking why I’ve been off when I go back, but honestly the little break has been good for me.

Everyone is different but it might be worth considering it. You could always go back to work if you felt like it wasn’t helping?

I know what you mean about feeling like people are sick of hearing you talk about yourself, but please don’t feel like that. My inbox is open mate, and I’m sure plenty others are as well.
 
Scootsie said:
I’m pleased this thread is here so I can vent without being judged. What an absolutely shite few weeks.

Not too long since being diagnosed and put on medication myself, for my wife to then have a breakdown (post natal) and her mam to then also have an absolute meltdown having recently lost my father in law to suicide. All while having a 7 month old and work to think of.

I know this looks like a ‘ooo feel sorry for me’ post, but I find it easier posting on here rather than speak to some friends/family who are very much a ‘ahh it’ll be fine, just get on with it’ bunch.
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That's a lot mate, sorry to read all of that. Doesn't read as a sympathy post at all, great you felt able to share it.
 
Fred said:
Yeah I'm really finding that out now.

Tomorrow is a brighter day and all that.
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I have the politics forum hidden because I find it a poisonous place. I'm certainly not alone in that view. Your position was admirable but I think you might have more luck solving world peace.

Its interesting how on one part of this board you can be called all sorts of names and on other parts people can be really kind, supportive and non judgemental
de Ruyter said:
Rightly or wrongly, I just want to sleep. Just want to sleep until this passes. Have a fantasy that this will be gone by about Thursday

Sadly am gonna have to get up and face the world tomorrow
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In my worst moments I loved sleep because it was an escape from the pain of existence.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
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My issue is I simply have no motivation. I can't get myself out of the misery of doing nowt to actually do something. I'm sure at some point it'll change but bloody hell I've been waiting a long time !
 
FatCat2402 said:
My issue is I simply have no motivation. I can't get myself out of the misery of doing nowt to actually do something. I'm sure at some point it'll change but bloody hell I've been waiting a long time !
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I find it so hard to motivate myself mate and simply can't some days , it's the good days that you have to make count. Totally understand the waiting thing as I go to the doctors and they say its just a waiting game or Rome wasn't built in a day but it just feels like am getting fobbed off most times. How you feeling today mate .
 
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