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Depression thread continued...

Pancho said:
TIme wasn't really a factor.

And the thread is still there.
Click to expand...
Here's a link to it to be sure.

Depression

Know this is a pretty frequently discussed topic on here and a lot of good advice is given so here goes. Been suffering from depression for years and I'm currently going through one of those stages where I'm just constantly feeling shit no matter what I do and am really struggling to get up in...
www.readytogo.net www.readytogo.net
 

Matnab said:
I fantasise about this all the time pal. Escape all responsibility and be a completely blank canvas.
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Would be nice mate but the thing stopping me is that my dad pretty much did this. He started working away when I was still at school. Over time he came back home less often. He came home to get his passport renewed when I was 20 (I think) and was gone when I got up one morning. Never seen him since and I am 40 now. I reckon I've had about 10 text messages from him in all that time and I'm bitter as fuck about the whole thing. Worst thing is he was a great dad when I was little. Nothing but good memories until he started working away.

That's the only thing stopping me from either running away or topping myself. I don't want my kids to feel the pain I've felt like this. Didn't even realise at the time how much it effected me but the last few years the anger and resentment about the whole situation has just kept growing.

Sorry for the rant.
 
Ciro_DiMarzio said:
Would be nice mate but the thing stopping me is that my dad pretty much did this. He started working away when I was still at school. Over time he came back home less often. He came home to get his passport renewed when I was 20 (I think) and was gone when I got up one morning. Never seen him since and I am 40 now. I reckon I've had about 10 text messages from him in all that time and I'm bitter as fuck about the whole thing. Worst thing is he was a great dad when I was little. Nothing but good memories until he started working away.

That's the only thing stopping me from either running away or topping myself. I don't want my kids to feel the pain I've felt like this. Didn't even realise at the time how much it effected me but the last few years the anger and resentment about the whole situation has just kept growing.

Sorry for the rant.
Click to expand...

I totally get that pal. At least from an adults perspective you know that it wasn't you, it was him not being tough enough to honour his responsibilities. I'd never act upon that impulse either but you can feel trapped sometimes. Job, kids, mortgage etc, you literally give up your right to do what you want.
 
Ciro_DiMarzio said:
Would be nice mate but the thing stopping me is that my dad pretty much did this. He started working away when I was still at school. Over time he came back home less often. He came home to get his passport renewed when I was 20 (I think) and was gone when I got up one morning. Never seen him since and I am 40 now. I reckon I've had about 10 text messages from him in all that time and I'm bitter as fuck about the whole thing. Worst thing is he was a great dad when I was little. Nothing but good memories until he started working away.

That's the only thing stopping me from either running away or topping myself. I don't want my kids to feel the pain I've felt like this. Didn't even realise at the time how much it effected me but the last few years the anger and resentment about the whole situation has just kept growing.

Sorry for the rant.
Click to expand...
Sounds like it would be good to get that out of your system, seek some closure on it otherwise it’s going to eat away at you.
 
Roker SOL said:
I'm an adult with Autism who's been rediagnosed at 55 after originally being diagnosed at 8. File disappeared. I'm Autism Level 1, formerly Asperger's, very high functioning and am low maintenance. I've odd bad moments where I do struggle.

I can see behaviours I exhibited as a child and young adult that were clear indicators - meltdowns, refusing to do things, etc. and struggling in my last few years of school when I'd been high achiving.

I got my own act together as an adult, eventually making it through University to Ph.D. and my spikey profile actually suited doing one - I'm an outlyer in that I'm one of a set of ASDers who have collected qualifications so to speak (though I suspect there's a lot of academics on the scale too). Hyperfocus can be a bitch but also an asset with research-style work as I'm good with patterns in data. Social skills, humour developed a little later than for most I'll admit. I make a point of not losing my temper with people as it can lead to meltdown to the point that a lady who lost it with me (and blew me out) over a nothing mistake must have thought I was weird because I point blank refused to lose it with her in return. She basically did everything text book you should not do with someone on the scale.

What I'm getting at is with the right support, then there's no reason why your son can't achive his potential at whatever level that turns out to be. That might just be getting through his exams at school. That disappeared file cost me extra support, more time in exams (I enterd a shut-down state for first half hour of exams due to stress), etc. What has happened with me since has been down to me without that support, which I'm now beginning to get.

Make sure you get it as it will make your life so much easier and also make your son's life easier too.

I'm seeing what from my own experiences I can give to help a workmate. Her younger son is certainly AD-HD and almost certainly mildly autistic too.
Click to expand...
So I've moved this over from The "Kids with Autism" thread as the above is relevant to developments with my own situation. I need to add to the above.

I'm undergoing Cognative Behaviour Therapy to assist with certain autistic traits I have.

1) If something serious goes wrong, I tend to self-loath and try too hard to put things right. That includes the lady mentioned above as I tried three times to get the lady back. An ex-school friend, I'd fallen for her. She was having none of it so I have no choice but to pull back.

So rather than beat myself up when I make an error (not just her), part of the CBT has been about making sure I don't waste my time fixing the unfixable (this might be any situation and not just a romantic involvement). My new approach is perhaps I try once if there's a chance of resolving but otherwise walk away, allowing me to get on with my life.

This cycle of overtrying to fix things can lead to autistic shut-downs.

2) Part of autism is having a thing called hyperfocus or hyperfixation. This can be a good thing if we're talking about a job or study situation and I'm pretty sure hyperfocus on the subject matter of my Ph.D. many moons ago helped me get it over the line. However, that was a knackering exercise.

Hyperfocus on an unimportant object or situation can become unhealthy as it locks you down into it. So telling yourself an object or situation is unimportant is key to breaking another loop of behaviour.

3) I've been looking at stress situations that can lead to a meltdown or shutdown, noting multiple stressors rather than single stressors get me. To cut a long story short, this is recognising symptoms that are precursors to shutdowns happening. With me, it's a woosy feeling in the brain, feeling it's overloaded (head done in) and with full meltdowns, a brain-on-fire sitation. Thankfully for me, full-on meltdowns are extremely rare. When symptoms develop, it's a case of get up and walk away even if only for a few minutes.

4) I'm also looking at boundaries and where I need to set boundaries for others, plus also setting boundaries for myself with others. This has not been a huge problem for me over the years, but odd times I could do better.

--------

CBT means, however, you look at many aspects of your life. This has led to me recalling events in my past that I'd managed to bury or thought I'd imagined.

Most are harmless. But in two cases, the events I've recalled have been pretty painful. One was from childhood, the other an assault on me 16 years ago. I've come to terms with the childhood memory and accepted there's nothing I could have done. The more recent event I'm still processing though as I was the victim, I need to stop blaming myself. I'm slowly getting there and needed to talk things through with the counsellor and two selected close friends. I'll note the counsellor was so concerned that she reached out to me between sessions given the serious nature of the assault I was recalling and I'll admit I've spent 12 days where the second memory has dominated my thoughts and for the first time lost sleep during the CBT process.

I went through a cycle of firstly "Did it really happen?" then into shock and feeling sick as the recall process got going, simply because I'd buried both events so deeply. CBT can really stretch you when a recall happens.

I don't think there's any more deep events that are in danger of resurfacing. However, I've effectively extended the counselling by a number of weeks due to the recall of especially the second event.

I'll note it appears I might have mild dyslexia in addition to mild ASD so that also needs to be looked at.

A footnote to this is the lady who dumped me was the person who warned me of the potential for it to be difficult. It's now clear that her dumping me over a next to nothing remark were symptoms of her own post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll not go into that as there's a very complex situation on her side. I'll add I thought the situation was sorted, but a friend of hers who doesn't know me seems to have put the bad in later on.

It's almost certainly way too late to rectify the situation as all contact has been broken, but I would have handled the situation differently had I realised she was still in that state (she said she was signed off so I'd no way of knowing for sure). But as has been pointed out to me, another minor stumble on another day may well have led to the same outcome of her dumping me as my telling her of my mild ASD did nothing to stop her doing all the wrong things with me the moment I had difficulties (had a right go at me when a more calming approach was called for - i.e. ASD shut-down), making the aforementioned situation even worse.

We don't live that far apart so there's a remote chance I'll bump into her. However, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though note a near miss two weeks after the row where I ducked out of the way so we didn't bump into each other.

The second memory to be recalled (a couple of weeks ago) and the situation with the lady (although now three months ago and beginning to fade to grey - I decided to cut her off completely) both feel like kicks in the guts.
 
Hendon Mad Frog said:
You could start by getting some professional help mate.

The poster above you has just written a good account of how CBT has helped him process trauma.
Click to expand...
As commented, CBT can really help but be prepared for a few surprises as hidden memories resurface.

@Ciro_DiMarzio , yup, ive changed my username (was Suspender Sue and Waskerly Mackem).

I've reposted both posts to help you.
Roker SOL said:
I'm an adult with Autism who's been rediagnosed at 55 after originally being diagnosed at 8. File disappeared. I'm Autism Level 1, formerly Asperger's, very high functioning and am low maintenance. I've odd bad moments where I do struggle.

I can see behaviours I exhibited as a child and young adult that were clear indicators - meltdowns, refusing to do things, etc. and struggling in my last few years of school when I'd been high achiving.

I got my own act together as an adult, eventually making it through University to Ph.D. and my spikey profile actually suited doing one - I'm an outlyer in that I'm one of a set of ASDers who have collected qualifications so to speak (though I suspect there's a lot of academics on the scale too). Hyperfocus can be a bitch but also an asset with research-style work as I'm good with patterns in data. Social skills, humour developed a little later than for most I'll admit. I make a point of not losing my temper with people as it can lead to meltdown to the point that a lady who lost it with me (and blew me out) over a nothing mistake must have thought I was weird because I point blank refused to lose it with her in return. She basically did everything text book you should not do with someone on the scale.

What I'm getting at is with the right support, then there's no reason why your son can't achive his potential at whatever level that turns out to be. That might just be getting through his exams at school. That disappeared file cost me extra support, more time in exams (I enterd a shut-down state for first half hour of exams due to stress), etc. What has happened with me since has been down to me without that support, which I'm now beginning to get.

Make sure you get it as it will make your life so much easier and also make your son's life easier too.

I'm seeing what from my own experiences I can give to help a workmate. Her younger son is certainly AD-HD and almost certainly mildly autistic too.

I'm an adult with Autism who's been rediagnosed at 55 after originally being diagnosed at 8. File disappeared. I'm Autism Level 1, formerly Asperger's, very high functioning and am low maintenance. I've odd bad moments where I do struggle.

I can see behaviours I exhibited as a child and young adult that were clear indicators - meltdowns, refusing to do things, etc. and struggling in my last few years of school when I'd been high achiving.

I got my own act together as an adult, eventually making it through University to Ph.D. and my spikey profile actually suited doing one - I'm an outlyer in that I'm one of a set of ASDers who have collected qualifications so to speak (though I suspect there's a lot of academics on the scale too). Hyperfocus can be a bitch but also an asset with research-style work as I'm good with patterns in data. Social skills, humour developed a little later than for most I'll admit. I make a point of not losing my temper with people as it can lead to meltdown to the point that a lady who lost it with me (and blew me out) over a nothing mistake must have thought I was weird because I point blank refused to lose it with her in return. She basically did everything text book you should not do with someone on the scale.

What I'm getting at is with the right support, then there's no reason why your son can't achive his potential at whatever level that turns out to be. That might just be getting through his exams at school. That disappeared file cost me extra support, more time in exams (I enterd a shut-down state for first half hour of exams due to stress), etc. What has happened with me since has been down to me without that support, which I'm now beginning to get.

Make sure you get it as it will make your life so much easier and also make your son's life easier too.

I'm seeing what from my own experiences I can give to help a workmate. Her younger son is certainly AD-HD and almost certainly mildly autistic too.
Click to expand...

Roker SOL said:
So I've moved this over from The "Kids with Autism" thread as the above is relevant to developments with my own situation. I need to add to the above.

I'm undergoing Cognative Behaviour Therapy to assist with certain autistic traits I have.

1) If something serious goes wrong, I tend to self-loath and try too hard to put things right. That includes the lady mentioned above as I tried three times to get the lady back. An ex-school friend, I'd fallen for her. She was having none of it so I have no choice but to pull back.

So rather than beat myself up when I make an error (not just her), part of the CBT has been about making sure I don't waste my time fixing the unfixable (this might be any situation and not just a romantic involvement). My new approach is perhaps I try once if there's a chance of resolving but otherwise walk away, allowing me to get on with my life.

This cycle of overtrying to fix things can lead to autistic shut-downs.

2) Part of autism is having a thing called hyperfocus or hyperfixation. This can be a good thing if we're talking about a job or study situation and I'm pretty sure hyperfocus on the subject matter of my Ph.D. many moons ago helped me get it over the line. However, that was a knackering exercise.

Hyperfocus on an unimportant object or situation can become unhealthy as it locks you down into it. So telling yourself an object or situation is unimportant is key to breaking another loop of behaviour.

3) I've been looking at stress situations that can lead to a meltdown or shutdown, noting multiple stressors rather than single stressors get me. To cut a long story short, this is recognising symptoms that are precursors to shutdowns happening. With me, it's a woosy feeling in the brain, feeling it's overloaded (head done in) and with full meltdowns, a brain-on-fire sitation. Thankfully for me, full-on meltdowns are extremely rare. When symptoms develop, it's a case of get up and walk away even if only for a few minutes.

4) I'm also looking at boundaries and where I need to set boundaries for others, plus also setting boundaries for myself with others. This has not been a huge problem for me over the years, but odd times I could do better.

--------

CBT means, however, you look at many aspects of your life. This has led to me recalling events in my past that I'd managed to bury or thought I'd imagined.

Most are harmless. But in two cases, the events I've recalled have been pretty painful. One was from childhood, the other an assault on me 16 years ago. I've come to terms with the childhood memory and accepted there's nothing I could have done. The more recent event I'm still processing though as I was the victim, I need to stop blaming myself. I'm slowly getting there and needed to talk things through with the counsellor and two selected close friends. I'll note the counsellor was so concerned that she reached out to me between sessions given the serious nature of the assault I was recalling and I'll admit I've spent 12 days where the second memory has dominated my thoughts and for the first time lost sleep during the CBT process.

I went through a cycle of firstly "Did it really happen?" then into shock and feeling sick as the recall process got going, simply because I'd buried both events so deeply. CBT can really stretch you when a recall happens.

I don't think there's any more deep events that are in danger of resurfacing. However, I've effectively extended the counselling by a number of weeks due to the recall of especially the second event.

I'll note it appears I might have mild dyslexia in addition to mild ASD so that also needs to be looked at.

A footnote to this is the lady who dumped me was the person who warned me of the potential for it to be difficult. It's now clear that her dumping me over a next to nothing remark were symptoms of her own post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll not go into that as there's a very complex situation on her side. I'll add I thought the situation was sorted, but a friend of hers who doesn't know me seems to have put the bad in later on.

It's almost certainly way too late to rectify the situation as all contact has been broken, but I would have handled the situation differently had I realised she was still in that state (she said she was signed off so I'd no way of knowing for sure). But as has been pointed out to me, another minor stumble on another day may well have led to the same outcome of her dumping me as my telling her of my mild ASD did nothing to stop her doing all the wrong things with me the moment I had difficulties (had a right go at me when a more calming approach was called for - i.e. ASD shut-down), making the aforementioned situation even worse.

We don't live that far apart so there's a remote chance I'll bump into her. However, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though note a near miss two weeks after the row where I ducked out of the way so we didn't bump into each other.

The second memory to be recalled (a couple of weeks ago) and the situation with the lady (although now three months ago and beginning to fade to grey - I decided to cut her off completely) both feel like kicks in the guts.
Click to expand...
But I soldier on and know I've got to see the counselling through.
 
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Been struggling and off work for months. Had a couple of drinks with friend after game and they went home. Stopped out and got hammered on own. Not a great sign, can't remember large part of night. It only makes things worse and feeling bad because of it.
 
Football Dinosaur said:
Been struggling and off work for months. Had a couple of drinks with friend after game and they went home. Stopped out and got hammered on own. Not a great sign, can't remember large part of night. It only makes things worse and feeling bad because of it.
Click to expand...
Stay clear of the booze if you're down. See following.

To follow up on my above posts, and mention of the historical assault I was in my local last night.

We have an interesting lady get in sometimes. Her subject matter was inadvertently along similar lines to the assault on me

I found myself on the point of losing it with her and left, making the decision not to drink anymore that night.

She was unaware of the historical assault so that would nor have been fair to her. But the subject matter made me feel physically sick. I know that another time I'd not have had a problem with the conversation, but just not right now.

It was one of those situations where it was time to stop or I'd just have kept drinking and made myself worse.

I need a clear head to sort myself. And she's inadvertently made today's counselling session that bit harder as the shock of trauma coming back had been subsiding.

Important, keep a clear head when you're down.
 
Roker SOL said:
Stay clear of the booze if you're down. See following.

To follow up on my above posts, and mention of the historical assault I was in my local last night.

We have an interesting lady get in sometimes. Her subject matter was inadvertently along similar lines to the assault on me

I found myself on the point of losing it with her and left, making the decision not to drink anymore that night.

She was unaware of the historical assault so that would nor have been fair to her. But the subject matter made me feel physically sick. I know that another time I'd not have had a problem with the conversation, but just not right now.

It was one of those situations where it was time to stop or I'd just have kept drinking and made myself worse.

I need a clear head to sort myself. And she's inadvertently made today's counselling session that bit harder as the shock of trauma coming back had been subsiding.

Important, keep a clear head when you're down.
Click to expand...
No I know. First time I've been like that in 2 years and it frightened me. Just feel a bit like I've gone backwards. Hope to get into routine and see if mood improves.
 
Roker SOL said:
Stay clear of the booze if you're down. See following.

To follow up on my above posts, and mention of the historical assault I was in my local last night.

We have an interesting lady get in sometimes. Her subject matter was inadvertently along similar lines to the assault on me

I found myself on the point of losing it with her and left, making the decision not to drink anymore that night.

She was unaware of the historical assault so that would nor have been fair to her. But the subject matter made me feel physically sick. I know that another time I'd not have had a problem with the conversation, but just not right now.

It was one of those situations where it was time to stop or I'd just have kept drinking and made myself worse.

I need a clear head to sort myself. And she's inadvertently made today's counselling session that bit harder as the shock of trauma coming back had been subsiding.

Important, keep a clear head when you're down.
Click to expand...
You did absolutely the right thing. You got up and left. Counselling or therapy is always hard I think. I used to come out of the early ones feeling worse than when I went in after all the offloading, but they get better. Good luck.
Football Dinosaur said:
No I know. First time I've been like that in 2 years and it frightened me. Just feel a bit like I've gone backwards. Hope to get into routine and see if mood improves.
Click to expand...
Sometimes the lessons you've learned and the coping methods you've established slip a little. Do be afraid to ask for help, a sort of top up to reinforce your strategies to keep yourself right.
 
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CPLforever said:
You did absolutely the right thing. You got up and left. Counselling or therapy is always hard I think. I used to come out of the early ones feeling worse than when I went in after all the offloading, but they get better. Good luck.

Sometimes the lessons you've learned and the coping methods you've established slip a little. Do be afraid to ask for help, a sort of top up to reinforce your strategies to keep yourself right.
Click to expand...
Bit of a loaner at times. Wife has health issues and puts pressure on me at work. I'm speaking at occ health and trying to progress with plenty of gym work as I can no longer run due to injury.
 
I've just seen this on Twitter.

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CPLforever said:
You did absolutely the right thing. You got up and left. Counselling or therapy is always hard I think. I used to come out of the early ones feeling worse than when I went in after all the offloading, but they get better. Good luck.

Sometimes the lessons you've learned and the coping methods you've established slip a little. Do be afraid to ask for help, a sort of top up to reinforce your strategies to keep yourself right.
Click to expand...
The counselling session today was a really positive experience as the counsellor showed me that by my actions I had learnt from earlier sessions. I'd broken a loop by leaving when the lady in the bar started discussing her "preferences".

I actually concluded the session cracking a few gentle jokes and feeling good about myself.

There's one hard bridge to come as the lady and I who went our separate ways have a good chance of bumping into each other as we don't live far apart. I said I'd deal with the situation when I came to it though a neutral "Hi, how are you?" seems to be the way to go (i.e. throwing her by showing no apparent hard feelings). Blanking completely would be weird.
 
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This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
 
Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...
Don't know whether that's a sad emoji for everything you've been through or a thumbs up because of the recognition you are strong, so I'll just say thank you for sharing and hope you're ok.
 
Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...
You wouldn't believe the amount of guys i have encountered who, once children arrived and the wife or partners focus switched a bit so he didn't get her full attention, turned into first class.....well no words for it.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back, seriously. Not all women have the strength to do what you did. That is leave.

We have had to take children from the home because women have allowed violent partners into the home. Sometimes a women will try to justify it. He never hits the kids, and we would try and talk to them about the impact of children just witnessing such violence. How much you protected them from so much is amazing.

I can't and don't blame the women. I could sometimes get frustrated by them though.

If anything this counselling is putting your mind in order, making you see things in a different more balanced and realistic way where instead of berating yourself for your perceived failures you can hold your head up in light of your real and absolute strength.

Well done Mama Bear. Keep it up 💜
TAD said:
Don't know whether that's a sad emoji for everything you've been through or a thumbs up because of the recognition you are strong, so I'll just say thank you for sharing and hope you're ok.
Click to expand...
KNow what you mean, i decided to go for the like.
 
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Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...

You are an incredible person.
Always believe our brains are split in two. Good one side and demons in the other.
It’s these bastard demons that need controlling. Often they take over but need to be put back in their box.
The way you have raised those kids I have 100% respect and admiration and having come from a family where my Mum (Mam) did the same I can relate to some of this.

Just need to recognise your achievements every now and again and to other people it’s so plainly obvious but not within our own mental minds.
Stay strong as to everyone else struggling.

Picture those little bastard demons in that box trying to derail your head.
You as a person are in a good safe place. Unfortunately I can’t make the mighty Sunderland world beaters just yet but that will come. Bloody football teams play a massive part in our moods and emotions.

Keep going - You are an incredible person.x
 
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