• The forums will be unavailable for a few hours on Saturday 6th June, when they do return they will initially be in a degraded state with some features missing, but normal posting/reading will be possible. The main website will not be affected by these updates.
    New user registrations are currently disabled.
    Some other features of the forum are also currently disabled.

Depression thread continued...

Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...
I just feel for you and the kids. It must have been awful. You did the right thing. You are a brave lady and someone I am proud to know you even if it is just through this forum. We are all still here maybe not as much as before but still here. You helped me through my bad times and I am eternally grateful for that. x
 

Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...
You're a toppa parent. He's clearly a bellend. I spill drinks now and I'm 35!
 
Becs said:
I knocked a cup of coffee all over my desk earlier in the week and I'm older than you 😊
Click to expand...
Is he single now becs or making some other lasses life a fecking misery?

Hate reading stuff like this. Presume hes soft as shite to blokes but a hard lad to women n kids?
 
Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...
This sounds not too dissimilar to my lady friend. I know she took counselling too, which she found heavy duty, and I've the feeling she'll have to go back as there's a serious trauma there she never fully discussed.

My mistake was simply a bad choice of words meant to support her. "Make the most of your few days, let your X do his bit". She flipped when I mentioned relative X, even though it was not by name and to her, it was a betrayal of her trust and wham. It was the only mistake I made in 11 years of social media friendship and four months of meeting her.

In her case, there's a clear pattern of her not trusting men full stop including people close to her with the exception of her dad. I commented to my counsellor that when she first met up with me, she might have thought I was gay and thus a safe person to have as a friend. We kept seeing each other even when it was immediately clear I wasn't and things did start to evolve.

The way she cut me off and made clear she wanted nothing to do with me is almost as though I had perpetrated the abuse she's suffered. It feels I came to represent a sort of psychological punchbag for her. What she's been through before she met up with me appears to have been pretty bad. I know she moved back to the north east after a split with a previous long-term partner who went onto be with someone else.

The thing is the more recent event I suffered is why I empathise with her as I have trouble trusting certain types of alpha male personalities.

While I say in the intervening three months it is beginning to fade to grey, if she did reappear and reach out then I would offer to begin to rebuild what we had if she'd let me. I came out of it caring about her and those feelings are still there. And at a time that was right for me I'd be willing to be there for her. The feelings didn't develop straight away as initally, neither of us were looking to be in a relationship.

If that moment ever came where we were back in touch, there would be a need for an honest, adult conversation so we both know where we stand. We would need to commmunicate properly without her feeding me partial stories (noting I have figured out the main events from the partial stories and comments she made ages ago on social media she seems to have forgotten about - I think she's been through hell TBH) and her repeating how she hates every man in her life. We would then hopefuly understand each other's issues and consequent boundaries properly. Just returning to a situation where another faux pas by either side could lead to a repeat split is no good to me at all. But I'm not saying never as I know there's a good side to her in there.

But I'm no longer reaching out to her having tried to fix things immediately after and briefly reaching out after two months break - she hadn't calmed down. As said, we've no social media connections anymore though she knows where I am. I'm not holding my breath over a reconnection though and do need to move on. I'm still working on coping with my ASD diagnosis and related issues, and I need to concentrate on myself as a result to put myself on a fully even keel. The counselling is going well with some difficult days and I won't risk it becoming undone.
 
Last edited:
SPUFF said:
Is he single now becs or making some other lasses life a fecking misery?

Hate reading stuff like this. Presume hes soft as shite to blokes but a hard lad to women n kids?
Click to expand...

I don't know if he's single or not. I've not had any direct contact with him since 2019.

There was continued coercive control and gaslighting through access visits with the bairn. I don't know if you know the law, but when parents are separated, you need permission from the other parent to take the child abroad. I'd taken her on holidays before without any problems. An incident happened in 2019 which I don't want to post about on here. I then sent a courtesy email letting him know the bairn was going on holiday abroad with the dates and location. He emailed me back and said he was withdrawing his permission to let her go on holiday and he would be contacting the Border Agency to put a block on her passport.

I applied to the court to ask for permission to take the bairn on holiday which triggered off other steps. I can't talk about what happened in court, but the end result is that his access was removed and we've not had direct contact since.
 
Becs said:
I don't know if he's single or not. I've not had any direct contact with him since 2019.

There was continued coercive control and gaslighting through access visits with the bairn. I don't know if you know the law, but when parents are separated, you need permission from the other parent to take the child abroad. I'd taken her on holidays before without any problems. An incident happened in 2019 which I don't want to post about on here. I then sent a courtesy email letting him know the bairn was going on holiday abroad with the dates and location. He emailed me back and said he was withdrawing his permission to let her go on holiday and he would be contacting the Border Agency to put a block on her passport.

I applied to the court to ask for permission to take the bairn on holiday which triggered off other steps. I can't talk about what happened in court, but the end result is that his access was removed and we've not had direct contact since.
Click to expand...
Ffs. Nightmare but good end result I guess.
 
Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...

You're brave as fuck Becs! Not just for talking about it on here, but for having the courage to live through that situation and front up to it to look after your kids. I have a huge amount of respect for the way you handle yourself.
 
Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...
You are an absolute warrior! Chin up petal x
I’ve been moved from Sertraline onto Fluoxetine. All started from a bout of health anxiety related to small muscle twitches - now convinced myself I’m terminally ill.
 
Had a period off this post due to the shit with the last one affected me still don’t agree with the decision but hey ho.

I’ve been up and down the last week starting to play cricket again soon so that’s a major boost.

However my thoughts are dark again just sheer emptiness at times with no care in the world for me.

It’s mad as it’s up and down

Hope everyone’s well !
 
That weird emptiness is...well..weird. cos sometimes you can't say you are unhappy exactly you just feel nothing. It can freak me out, but at least when that happens I feel something. Even if it is just freaked

It can be related to a disassociative state. Almost as if there is too much for your head to cope with so it sort of shuts down. Find stuff to bring yourself back. Good luck.
 
CPLforever said:
That weird emptiness is...well..weird. cos sometimes you can't say you are unhappy exactly you just feel nothing. It can freak me out, but at least when that happens I feel something. Even if it is just freaked

It can be related to a disassociative state. Almost as if there is too much for your head to cope with so it sort of shuts down. Find stuff to bring yourself back. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Good way of describing it. It's like you unplug from the feelings, but sacrifice all the good ones as well in the process.
 
Becs said:
I don't know if he's single or not. I've not had any direct contact with him since 2019.

There was continued coercive control and gaslighting through access visits with the bairn. I don't know if you know the law, but when parents are separated, you need permission from the other parent to take the child abroad. I'd taken her on holidays before without any problems. An incident happened in 2019 which I don't want to post about on here. I then sent a courtesy email letting him know the bairn was going on holiday abroad with the dates and location. He emailed me back and said he was withdrawing his permission to let her go on holiday and he would be contacting the Border Agency to put a block on her passport.

I applied to the court to ask for permission to take the bairn on holiday which triggered off other steps. I can't talk about what happened in court, but the end result is that his access was removed and we've not had direct contact since.
Click to expand...
Is your daughter not seeing her dad the best thing for her?
I hope you're doing OK though.
 
This is a great thread with regular posters supporting others,when often going through difficult times themselves. Suggest if persons come on with the sole intention of causing confrontation and disrupting the thread the best thing to do is to ignore them, although I appreciate this can be difficult. The regular of posters in this thread are fabulous 💜. Sending love and positivity to you all this morning.
 
Becs said:
Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.
Click to expand...

He sounds like a textbook narcissistic sociopath. Why would any man not want their partner to breastfeed when it's been shown to be better for the baby :eek:

I hope your son is doing well, I know the toll it can take when a father doesn't show them any love or support and just tries to parent by psychological aggression and/or violence.
 
Last edited:
Hendon Mad Frog said:
I hope your son is doing well, I know the toll it can take when a father doesn't show them any love or support and just tries to parent by psychological aggression and/or violence.
Click to expand...

My sons are doing well thanks. They've both graduated with degrees (the eldest with first class honours), they're both working and both settled in relationships. The eldest is a stepDad and the younger one is getting married this year and is very broody! Proud of them both.
 
Becs said:
This week's counselling was hard. Came away with two tales.

Firstly my Mam injured her wrist and is wearing one of those rigid supports that you can take off. She's supposed to wear it all the time apart from when showering. She went on holiday yesterday and was joking at the weekend that she's going to remove it when she's sunbathing or she'll end up with different coloured arms!

That triggered off memories of an incident in my past. I can't remember what I was in trouble for, but he was raging and yelling at me. That time he didn't hit me and tried to punch a hole in the wall. Unfortunately he didn't know that a previous owner had boarded up an internal door. Instead of his fist going through plasterboard as he expected, his fist hit hard wood and he fractured his hand. That was shortly before going on holiday abroad. We had a shit time as he was in a foul mood as he couldn't go in the pool and stuff like that. This was all my fault and I got blamed for ruining the holiday.

Weird how something minor like my Mam's injury can make that memory surface again. That's the trouble with triggers. You never know when they are going to strike.

Second tale: we did some reliving past stuff that happened to me. I always thought I was weak. However things we talked about included:

Wasn't allowed to breastfeed, but ignored him and breastfed her anyway partly because I believe it's best and partly because I loved the bond when I was doing it. I was called selfish and accused of alienating him from the baby, even though I said he could do any of the other baby stuff, just not feeding.

Daughter used to love playing hairdressers. I had to pretend I was going to a party or a wedding or something and she'd faff on brushing my hair and putting clips in it and stuff, while chatting about the party/wedding/etc. He didn't like that. He bought one of those toy styling heads but she refused to play with it as she liked the human connection with me, just as much as playing hairdressers. I didn't encourage her to play with the toy and let her continue playing hairdressers with me. He didn't like that.

I take the bairns out loads on various excursions. He was always welcome to come but he never wanted to. He didn't want us going out either. I'd plan something and there would be a minor incident and one child would get grounded so we all had to stay in. That's a lose lose situation as I'd either get into trouble for taking them out anyway, or I'd get into trouble as they'd be climbing the walls and acting themselves due to being cooped up in the house all day. One incident was we'd planned to go to the Farne Islands for the day. I'd already bought picnic food and booked boat tickets. The evening before, one son knocked a glass of juice over by accident, so he was grounded the next day and we couldn't go to the Farnes. I went anyway and I took the flack for that.

Son used to play football and I went to all the matches and built friendships with the other lads and their parents. The team did well and managed to win the league and get promoted. There was a presentation ceremony where they all got medals and a trophy. A couple of nights before, son was caught playing on his phone under the duvet when he should have been asleep. He was grounded and banned from attending the presentation. I took him anyway as I thought that was unfair on him, unfair on me as I wanted to see the other lads get their medals and unfair on the team as my son would be missing from the photos and stuff. Both me and son got into trouble for that. Seeing my son get punched in the face was the final straw and I finally found the courage to get help and get away for good.

Counsellor flipped all of that around and said I'm not weak. When it comes to my bairns, I managed to stand up and do what I thought was best for them. I'd never thought of it in that way before so it was kind of a lightbulb moment. Still need to work on standing up for myself when it's not about the bairns though. I still struggle with that.

All of this is raw and still going round and round in my head. I just wanted to write it all down and try to get some kind of release from it.
Click to expand...

It is good you are getting counselling and I hope it pays dividends. You shouldn't class yourself as weak as it robs you of autonomy I think. So rather than focusing on everything you allowed him to do to you from your perspective focus on what you can do and control. That is what works for me.

I'm sure he has similar tales from your time together as it doesn't sound very serene for either of you, however flat you make a pancake it always has two sides.
So I guess it would be good if his side was allowed to be heard if you want to actually go into it rather than as your Counsellor suggests portraying yourself as perpetual weak victim.

There is little scope for change if you relinquish your power and passively complain about what has been done. You don't seem to be weak at all in reality so just harness that and focus on what you control and allow rather than the actions of others. You'll go mad dwelling on what has been done to you and it will not bear any fruit. Better to take accountability where you can and move on up. Sounds like you have a good counsellor which is half the battle.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top