not spavin
Full Back
Logon or register to see this image
Logon or register to see this image
Newcastle's takeover has been confirmed, sparking an outpouring of fawning coverage from the region's media about #cans and the dawning of a glorious new era for the entire region. Saudi flags were draped in celebration over Bobby Robson and Saudi outfits worn proudly over black-and-white stripes, with moral outrage confined to the most bitter corners of The Guardian website.
Labour MP Chi Onwurah describes the news as "... a day of celebration and joy". Alan Shearer hails this as a "special day". The sports pages gush over the likely targets of the richest club in the world, as do the fans. There are viral sing songs about Messi selling pies, there's unbridled transfer speculation, and there is the coronation of Wor Mandy.
Meanwhile, Sunderland sit below Wigan in League 1. Our last game was a 4-0 defeat away to Portsmouth - our main rivals at the time. We'll lose 5-1 to Rotherham later that month, 6-0 to Bolton later that season, with home defeats against Lincoln City, Doncaster Rovers and MK Dons still to look forward to.
1,666 days later and Sunderland finish 5 places and 5 points above Newcastle in the Premier League. The richest club in the world are likely to sell many of their best players this summer having failed to qualify for Europe. It's very hard to qualify for Europe, to be fair to them. Gordon, Tonali, Hall and Bruno have all issued thinly-veiled come-and-get-me pleas. There will be others. They call it "doing an Isak".
They've spent £750m, yet Joe Willock's a regular starter and they had to sell St James' Park to break even.
Wor Mandy is out of the club, shortly after fighting a bankruptcy petition - her second such legal battle, the first being fought in the early 2000s when she was dating Prince Andrew. He hasn't had the best 1,666 days either.
Newcastle's owners have failed to capture major honours in that time, and are now abandoning many of the ill-fated sporting investments. Undeterred by these disappointments, Mohammed Bin Salman has executed record numbers of his own citizens in 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025 - domestic achievements which perhaps provides some consolation over his international failures.
Newcastle long-awaited acquisition of Kylian Mbappe yet to materialise, but George Caulkin lives in hope that a Wissa-plus-cash deal remains possible this summer. Keep those #cans on ice, George, any day now. In more pressing transfer news, the club are currently making a desperate appeal to retain 34 year old Fabian Schar. The player is currently assessing his options, and is excited about watching Xhaka play in the World Cup on TV.
This is exactly what they deserve, and exactly what we deserve.
