Cancer diagnosis in older people?

[Dark Traveller]

This might be an odd question (and a bit of frustrating one tbh), but has anybody had an older family member be given a cancer diagnosis, and you find they just don’t seem to grasp what it means?

So, my 84 year old Dad was taken into hospital last Wednesday after experiencing stomach problems (diarrhoea, feeling sick, unable to eat and pain), initially they thought he had a blocked colon. Friday morning the Ward Sister rang me at 9am asking if I could go in as Consultant needed give dad and I an update (not good if they ringing).

The consultant basically said my Dad has huge cancer mass in his stomach, and it’s stopping food from passing beyond into the lower intestine area. An operation is doubtful because of his age (somebody thirty/forty years younger would take a year to recover with a lot energy), chemotherapy/radiotherapy is a consideration, but we basically looking at palliative care situation.

They also looking at putting a feeding stent in to bypass the cancer mass.

The hospital are still deciding on the care plan.

Now, here is the thing, I’ve spoken to my Dad a number of times over the last few days, and he doesn’t understand why he cannot go home as he is fed up with being in hospital. I’ve tried explaining why he’s there, but I can tell he’s just not grasping the seriousness of it, doesn’t understand what the cancer means.

I’ve tried talking to the Ward Sister about it, but they feel he’s just in denial. Unfortunately, I know that’s not it, because when I try explaining it, I can see in his eyes his just not taking it in and understanding it.

 

[JAZZMANB]

This might be an odd question (and a bit of frustrating one tbh), but has anybody had an older family member be given a cancer diagnosis, and you find they just don’t seem to grasp what it means?

So, my 84 year old Dad was taken into hospital last Wednesday after experiencing stomach problems (diarrhoea, feeling sick, unable to eat and pain), initially they thought he had a blocked colon. Friday morning the Ward Sister rang me at 9am asking if I could go in as Consultant needed give dad and I an update (not good if they ringing).

The consultant basically said my Dad has huge cancer mass in his stomach, and it’s stopping food from passing beyond into the lower intestine area. An operation is doubtful because of his age (somebody thirty/forty years younger would take a year to recover with a lot energy), chemotherapy/radiotherapy is a consideration, but we basically looking at palliative care situation.

They also looking at putting a feeding stent in to bypass the cancer mass.

The hospital are still deciding on the care plan.

Now, here is the thing, I’ve spoken to my Dad a number of times over the last few days, and he doesn’t understand why he cannot go home as he is fed up with being in hospital. I’ve tried explaining why he’s there, but I can tell he’s just not grasping the seriousness of it, doesn’t understand what the cancer means.

I’ve tried talking to the Ward Sister about it, but they feel he’s just in denial. Unfortunately, I know that’s not it, because when I try explaining it, I can see in his eyes his just not taking it in and understanding it.

Sorry to hear
No experience but have they really told him clearly what is happening regards outcome and timeline?
It doesn't sound like it

 

[Dark Traveller]

Sorry to hear
No experience but have they really told him clearly what is happening regards outcome and timeline?
It doesn't sound like it

Yes, I was sitting with him when it was all explained, and again yesterday when they give us an update. He’s just not grasping it.

My cousin was with me on Saturday afternoon when Dad was moaning about being in hospital. And my cousin said to me when we left that Dad wasn’t taking it, and could tell just wasn’t getting it.

I said to my cousin tonight, I think it’s because he cannot see it or feel it, there isn’t anything really wrong. My cousin said something like it’s the old pitman mentality… nowt wrong with me attitude.

 

[Billie Cheemus]

Sorry to hear that.

If that was me at that age. I’d much rather they just did what they needed to do and told me as little as possible.

No help to you, I know but maybe a small mercy that he doesn’t know / doesn’t want to know what’s going on.

 

[John the Savage]

Sorry to hear this.
I went through exactly the same scenario with my mam earlier this year -same cancer, same diagnosis and stent procedure.
My mam was 85 -she understood, but just accepted it and said, don't worry about me, I've had a great life with my family.

The hardest thing was getting mam to eat and drink -she wouldn't eat much, and she drank very little. The weight loss and decline was rapid -6 weeks from diagnosis-sitting in a room just off a rammed A&E when the doctor (who was brilliant) gave us the terrible news, to her passing.

The thing is, she'd been ill for a while, passing blood etc, but didn't want to be a burden, so said nowt til we couldn't ignore the weight loss.

 

[Longy]

It’s a really shit situation & this is a big ask, but is it not taking the positives out of the fact he’s a bit defiant? Is it better than him collapsing into a state of depression?

 

[SAFCOldie]

Very sorry to hear this marra.Have you had a straight talk with him about the situation?

 

[The soap powder]

Sorry to hear this mate and hope you can get through to him

Sometimes think its just an age thing my dad is 84 and never listens or takes things in, if i dont tell my mam then it just doesnt or didnt happen

Maybe he really doesnt want to take it all in and just wants to be home and feel safe and then he might listen

 

[Shack]

I seem to remember it was like this with my mother in law. Different cancer (lung. Stage 4) but I didn't know if it was shock, denial or whatever. We had to insist on being there for chats with the doctor as she wasn't able to tell us what had been said earlier in the day. I think it took some time to eventually sink in and from there it was a pretty rapid decline.

 

[contrarian]

I received a cancer diagnosis in my mid 60’s
Spent my life thinking I was bulletproof and cancer happened to other people
Being told was a hammer blow believe me. Different people will process it in different ways but until you personally have received such news I wouldn’t judge or disparage those who have received or those giving the diagnosis
Also for boomers and older we grew up believeing cancer was a death sentence despite the massive improvements in treatment and survival outcomes
I had treatment and told 5 years later all clear
It isnt a cut and dried ‘ listen and accept’ thing

 

[Dark Traveller]

Sorry to hear this mate and hope you can get through to him

Sometimes think its just an age thing my dad is 84 and never listens or takes things in, if i dont tell my mam then it just doesnt or didnt happen

Maybe he really doesnt want to take it all in and just wants to be home and feel safe and then he might listen

I think that’s as close to it as I can get.

Basically in the eighty plus years of his life, he’s never had to make decisions himself, in the 57 years of marriage my mam was the one who made all the decisions, looked after the finances, oversaw GP/hospital stuff, she always told him where he needed to be and why.

And when my mam’s health started deteriorating then it was me that shouldered that stuff.

So it’s been difficult these last five days trying to explain everything in such a way that makes sense to him. I’ve been there at the hospital when the nurses and doctors have provided updates, and I can tell from his face and eyes that it’s not sinking in. So then I try again.

Then it’s “I’m fed up of being in here, just want to go home..”

I then have to go through it again, explain I don’t think he realises just how unwell he is, that he has cancer and it’s not something that going to be simple fix, the doctors need to figure out a way of helping, so can have a good quality of life.

He nods his head, but I can still see he’s not getting it sadly.

I had to sit and explain what an DNR was on Tuesday afternoon. The consultants had asked him on Friday about it, and he’d replied “no, I want to live…”

So I explained what an NDR was, said that should something happen to him, and he gets in a position where all that is happening is prolonging his suffering or extending his pain, and he’s not able to communicate his wishes, this allows medical staff to make the hard decision. Like if he suffered a heart attack and ended up basically no longer able to move etc.

“Oh..I see, so they not going to flick a switch or put a needle in my arm? Oh I get it now… so what do you think I should do?”

If it wasn’t so serious, I’d have laughed

 

[Gremlin]

I'd suggest getting things like power of attorneys lined up while you can in case his not taking it in (which could be because it's such a huge thing, or denial, or that someone else has always done the main thinking for him) begins to mean his capacity gets called into question.

Apart from that - keep gently revisiting it and dripping the information to him, a little bit at a time, possibly leave some easy read information in his room that he might pick up and flick through again when he's bored - and hospitals suck so yeah, he probably does have "get me out of here" as his main priority in his head bless him.

 

[BiG]

I’ve attempted about half a dozen times to type this message. It’s difficult to actually express my own perspective clearly but maybe it’s helpful. Maybe not. Nobody can appreciate your own personal or family situation so you need to do what’s right for your loved ones in any circumstance.

I’ll avoid meaningless platitudes in favour of what I consider reality.

The reality of this ‘older person’ relating to my wife who is also an older person, and to her terminal diagnosis is that I absolutely concur with her determination to avoid - at any cost, by which I mean ANY cost - ever going to hospital ever again for anything.

I am currently actively exploring how to achieve palliative care and pain relieve away from hospital. By which I mean, enabling her life to end at home.

I also have a diagnosis - which is not yet terminal. Based on my wife’s experience, I’d also refuse treatment and any stay in hospital. That perspective might change if and when the day arrives but my determination atm is to avoid the hell of a cancer ward with everything I’ve got.

 

[dangermows]

First of all, sorry to hear the news.
Secondly, is there not a possibility he's partly not that arsed? Sounds a bit mad but a friends grandad got similar news at a similar age and he was rather relaxed, a bit of "oh well, canny innings" type attitude.

 

[Dark Traveller]

First of all, sorry to hear the news.
Secondly, is there not a possibility he's partly not that arsed? Sounds a bit mad but a friends grandad got similar news at a similar age and he was rather relaxed, a bit of "oh well, canny innings" type attitude.

Weirdly, that is exactly what it feels like! I mean I was sitting with him on Friday when consultant broke the news, it felt like a right punch in the guts to me. I looked at my Dad to get an idea what he was feeling, and he just turns and says 'how long you stopping for?' Like we were discussing the weather or something. Quite the surreal moment.

There is a multi-disciplinary teams meeting taking place tomorrow to discuss his case, to discuss what options are available. Is major surgery an option, would he survive something that major, is chemo/radiotherapy an option, and then there is palliative care.

I've been told where the cancer is (and might also be possibility of it being pancreatic cancer too), the mass will eventually be pressing on his spine/back and eventually cause him significant pain.

I did ask the question of how long, and was told we looking at a year at the most depending on treatment.

 

[dangermows]

Weirdly, that is exactly what it feels like! I mean I was sitting with him on Friday when consultant broke the news, it felt like a right punch in the guts to me. I looked at my Dad to get an idea what he was feeling, and he just turns and says 'how long you stopping for?' Like we were discussing the weather or something. Quite the surreal moment.

There is a multi-disciplinary teams meeting taking place tomorrow to discuss his case, to discuss what options are available. Is major surgery an option, would he survive something that major, is chemo/radiotherapy an option, and then there is palliative care.

I've been told where the cancer is (and might also be possibility of it being pancreatic cancer too), the mass will eventually be pressing on his spine/back and eventually cause him significant pain.

I did ask the question of how long, and was told we looking at a year at the most depending on treatment.

Nothing much else to add but wishing you and your Dad all the best. I'm sure he is in good hands.

 

[Quench]

Weirdly, that is exactly what it feels like! I mean I was sitting with him on Friday when consultant broke the news, it felt like a right punch in the guts to me. I looked at my Dad to get an idea what he was feeling, and he just turns and says 'how long you stopping for?' Like we were discussing the weather or something. Quite the surreal moment.

There is a multi-disciplinary teams meeting taking place tomorrow to discuss his case, to discuss what options are available. Is major surgery an option, would he survive something that major, is chemo/radiotherapy an option, and then there is palliative care.

I've been told where the cancer is (and might also be possibility of it being pancreatic cancer too), the mass will eventually be pressing on his spine/back and eventually cause him significant pain.

I did ask the question of how long, and was told we looking at a year at the most depending on treatment.

I think given the choice of operations and/or chemo, for a year at most of what is likely to be a miserable existence with a fair bit of time spent in hospital, or palliative care which would keep me relatively comfortable and able to spend some time at home I'd go for the latter if I were in his situation.

I had to sign the DNR for my dad for an operation he had and when I explained it to him afterwards he was happy I'd given consent.

It's a shit situation but we all die eventually and making it as pain free as possible would be my choice.

Difficult time for you, make sure you look after yourself as well as him.

 

[ErichZann]

A elderly relative of mine got cancer and passed away, she originally went to hospital following a fall. What she said to me still rings loudly in my mind fairly often after all these years......'Ididn't have cancer until I went to the hospital'

 

[Dark Traveller]

I'd suggest getting things like power of attorneys lined up while you can in case his not taking it in (which could be because it's such a huge thing, or denial, or that someone else has always done the main thinking for him) begins to mean his capacity gets called into question.

Apart from that - keep gently revisiting it and dripping the information to him, a little bit at a time, possibly leave some easy read information in his room that he might pick up and flick through again when he's bored - and hospitals suck so yeah, he probably does have "get me out of here" as his main priority in his head bless him.

I have financial power of attorney sorted unfortunately at the time I was doing these I was concentrating on PoA for my Mam, who was in final stages of frontal temporal dementia and unable to speak, so did the medical and financial for her, and just the financial one for my Dad, I wasn't fully thinking to be honest and hindsight I should have done everything at the same time.

 

[englishman abroad]

This might be an odd question (and a bit of frustrating one tbh), but has anybody had an older family member be given a cancer diagnosis, and you find they just don’t seem to grasp what it means?

So, my 84 year old Dad was taken into hospital last Wednesday after experiencing stomach problems (diarrhoea, feeling sick, unable to eat and pain), initially they thought he had a blocked colon. Friday morning the Ward Sister rang me at 9am asking if I could go in as Consultant needed give dad and I an update (not good if they ringing).

The consultant basically said my Dad has huge cancer mass in his stomach, and it’s stopping food from passing beyond into the lower intestine area. An operation is doubtful because of his age (somebody thirty/forty years younger would take a year to recover with a lot energy), chemotherapy/radiotherapy is a consideration, but we basically looking at palliative care situation.

They also looking at putting a feeding stent in to bypass the cancer mass.

The hospital are still deciding on the care plan.

Now, here is the thing, I’ve spoken to my Dad a number of times over the last few days, and he doesn’t understand why he cannot go home as he is fed up with being in hospital. I’ve tried explaining why he’s there, but I can tell he’s just not grasping the seriousness of it, doesn’t understand what the cancer means.

I’ve tried talking to the Ward Sister about it, but they feel he’s just in denial. Unfortunately, I know that’s not it, because when I try explaining it, I can see in his eyes his just not taking it in and understanding it.

Nothing really to add mate, sounds daft but Good luck
Had to deal with my dad dad died of bowel cancer and I had POA of an aunty, the wife went through it a couple of years ago when her mother had dementia.