Depression

[FlashGordon]

Been up since about 4am after having a panic attack in my dreams. It seems like sleep isn't even a safe space anymore.

I spend all week putting on that mask for others, being the leader and providing the support that they need, but then it gets to the weekend where I'm just drained and paralysed by dread and exhaustion.

Today will be another day where survival is the only aim. It makes you wonder if it's worth it.

 

[CPLforever]

Been up since about 4am after having a panic attack in my dreams. It seems like sleep isn't even a safe space anymore.

I spend all week putting on that mask for others, being the leader and providing the support that they need, but then it gets to the weekend where I'm just drained and paralysed by dread and exhaustion.

Today will be another day where survival is the only aim. It makes you wonder if it's worth it.

Can I ask, are you on any medication, especially for anxiety or depression, cos they can sometimes make your dreams go a bit crazy

Putting a 'face' on bloody exhausting.

You are talking about today being a survival day. Good, but make it a good survival day, relax, do things you want to, distract yourself with nice stuff that maybe takes a bit of concentration but takes your mind of how you are feeling.

Not sure aboutnyour situation but you should of course talk to your GP about your situation (if you haven'talready).

Good luck

 

[70s traveller]

You are all tough bastards and you will get through it.

With a bit of support.

 

[MigsGoalKicks]

With no buses on I have to walk to work, not far, about 25 min walk. Was walking tonight on a country lane and I had the biggest panic attack I’ve had since my first one 3 years ago. Weirdly in the exact same spot I had my first one. I had to turn back and go home. I did end up getting a lift in. Put a brave face on to coworkers on handover. They’ve gone now and I’m just dreading the walk back home tomorrow morning. My mind has me shitting myself about walking home from work. It’s fking pathetic.

 

[Ciro_DiMarzio]

Does anyone else go through spells of borderline self destruction where you get into spells/mindsets/situations which completely consume you and you stop thinking and behaving logically?

All the time. Been doing it every weekend recently. It will end up ruining my life permanently.

 

[70s traveller]

Can I ask, are you on any medication, especially for anxiety or depression, cos they can sometimes make your dreams go a bit crazy

Putting a 'face' on bloody exhausting.

You are talking about today being a survival day. Good, but make it a good survival day, relax, do things you want to, distract yourself with nice stuff that maybe takes a bit of concentration but takes your mind of how you are feeling.

Not sure aboutnyour situation but you should of course talk to your GP about your situation (if you haven'talready).

Good luck

I'd suggest the gp is your key starting point, tell him/her what your thoughts are, and if you have already do it again. But as could I suggest try to take your mind off it. There WILL be something that helps you.

All the time. Been doing it every weekend recently. It will end up ruining my life permanently.

Find a different thought pattern through finding something that alters how your mind leads you to where it does. Again though finding the root that sends you off track could be a key.

With no buses on I have to walk to work, not far, about 25 min walk. Was walking tonight on a country lane and I had the biggest panic attack I’ve had since my first one 3 years ago. Weirdly in the exact same spot I had my first one. I had to turn back and go home. I did end up getting a lift in. Put a brave face on to coworkers on handover. They’ve gone now and I’m just dreading the walk back home tomorrow morning. My mind has me shitting myself about walking home from work. It’s fking pathetic.

A trigger possibly based on what it leads to. It's not pathetic, it's just how the human psyche functions & can be beaten.

 

[CPLforever]

With no buses on I have to walk to work, not far, about 25 min walk. Was walking tonight on a country lane and I had the biggest panic attack I’ve had since my first one 3 years ago. Weirdly in the exact same spot I had my first one. I had to turn back and go home. I did end up getting a lift in. Put a brave face on to coworkers on handover. They’ve gone now and I’m just dreading the walk back home tomorrow morning. My mind has me shitting myself about walking home from work. It’s fking pathetic.

Is it something about that spot? Is there another way you can walk see if it still happens. Is this country lane a bit near to work and it is the thought of going into work that is giving you panic attacks.

Of course I don't know, you may not be able to pin it down yourself. Responding to your post to see if you can maybe narrow down a few triggers see what might be causing it.

A trigger possibly based on what it leads to. It's not pathetic, it's just how the human psyche functions & can be beaten.

Yep what I said but with less words..

however you felt you still managed to get to work and do your job. Well done.

 

[70s traveller]

Of course I don't know, you may not be able to pin it down yourself. Responding to your post to see if you can maybe narrow down a few triggers see what might be causing it.

however you felt you still managed to get to work and do your job. Well done.

Things that lead to the effect are quite often not down to yourself and the fact you reached work shows you can tell yourself to do something (which over-rides whatever in your subconscious mind makes you think how it does).

 

[lucky]

I am so sorry if anyone has messaged me on here as nothing has been showing up .

 

[70s traveller]

I am so sorry if anyone has messaged me on here as nothing has been showing up .

If you're sort of expecting a PM response check that your inbox isn't full because if it is msgs can't be sent to you.

 

[lucky]

If you're sort of expecting a PM response check that your inbox isn't full because if it is msgs can't be sent to you.

I'm not that popular ha , I only speak to one person on here privately but thank you anyway mate and hope your OK

 

[70s traveller]

I'm not that popular ha , I only speak to one person on here privately but thank you anyway mate and hope your OK

It's deffo worth keeping you your box clear. You could be more popular than you think!

I'm fine, ta as I hope you are.

 

[rey mysterio]

I feel for you there. If you think back, have they always been critical and unhelpful, and invalidated your emotions? It could even be a contributing factor to any problems you have caused yourself. I massively increased my problems by re-traumatising myself, self sabotage etc to prove I am what I was told I am.

I went no contact about 2.5 years ago because I knew I would never recover if I am in contact with my mother. It is a really tough decision to make but I've rarely looked back.

Aye. Me dad sort of ignores all that and doesn’t know how to really deal with it with me but is a voice of reason. However my mam has always put me down and been critical, comparing me to others. She reacts badly to pretty much everything I do and somehow I’m never good enough in her eyes. Every time I try to talk to her about how I’m feeling her problems are somehow far worse.

So basically you try to tell them you are trying to get yourself sorted and instead of saying good on you they just piled on.

Gosh, not that I want to go all Hitchcockian but parents, sometimes. To be honest tho I do refer back to that Phillip Larkin poem. I know for instance one of my parents had a desperately difficult and unhappy childhood so I do try to take some deep breaths and give them some leeway. Which is more than they ever do for me by the way.

Good for you. Counselling can be difficult. Sometimes exploring things you don't want too, but stick with it, it can help

Aye pretty much this. It’s as if they don’t believe me because I don’t appear that I struggle on the outside. I never have done until it boils over and the self destruct button gets pushed. I’d like to think I’ve moved away from that now after the business last winter but it’s still there lurking over me like a cloud.

I think at the root of it all is my financial situation. If I was stable then I think I’d be a lot happier than I am. I’ve begged them for help getting my debt under control in the past, and now that I’m managing it’s always sly comments about how I shouldn’t have gotten myself into a mess or “we never went into debt for anything”.

The reason I got into financial services for employment was literally to not make mistakes myself again. I’m smashing through exams and I am almost at diploma level, but my parents think it is a Walter Mitty pipe dream that I’ll ever get anywhere with it. Add that to the nasty comments I get from my mam and the “you’re a disgrace”, “you’re a terrible father” etc. really doesn’t help. It’s not like she’s a bad person but she doesn’t think when she comes out with things like this or what impact this has on me.

Then when I mention moving away for a better job when the time comes, I face emotional blackmail “what about the kids”.

Honestly feels like I can’t win with them. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.

 

[CPLforever]

Aye. Me dad sort of ignores all that and doesn’t know how to really deal with it with me but is a voice of reason. However my mam has always put me down and been critical, comparing me to others. She reacts badly to pretty much everything I do and somehow I’m never good enough in her eyes. Every time I try to talk to her about how I’m feeling her problems are somehow far worse.


Aye pretty much this. It’s as if they don’t believe me because I don’t appear that I struggle on the outside. I never have done until it boils over and the self destruct button gets pushed. I’d like to think I’ve moved away from that now after the business last winter but it’s still there lurking over me like a cloud.

I think at the root of it all is my financial situation. If I was stable then I think I’d be a lot happier than I am. I’ve begged them for help getting my debt under control in the past, and now that I’m managing it’s always sly comments about how I shouldn’t have gotten myself into a mess or “we never went into debt for anything”.

The reason I got into financial services for employment was literally to not make mistakes myself again. I’m smashing through exams and I am almost at diploma level, but my parents think it is a Walter Mitty pipe dream that I’ll ever get anywhere with it. Add that to the nasty comments I get from my mam and the “you’re a disgrace”, “you’re a terrible father” etc. really doesn’t help. It’s not like she’s a bad person but she doesn’t think when she comes out with things like this or what impact this has on me.

Then when I mention moving away for a better job when the time comes, I face emotional blackmail “what about the kids”.

Honestly feels like I can’t win with them. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.

I am so sorry this must be exhausting. As long as what you are doing is good enough for you that's all that matters. Do it for yourself only and not for them or their approval. I know, easier said than done. Good luck.

 

[DBStar]

I’m smashing through exams and I am almost at diploma level, but my parents think it is a Walter Mitty pipe dream that I’ll ever get anywhere with it. Add that to the nasty comments I get from my mam and the “you’re a disgrace”, “you’re a terrible father” etc. really doesn’t help. It’s not like she’s a bad person but she doesn’t think when she comes out with things like this or what impact this has on me.

I don't mean to overstep the mark or cause offence commenting on the bold part, but I find it very difficult not to find the two statements contradictory. I went through the same for two decades and think in my mother's case, it is covert narcissistic behaviour or perhaps personality disorder. The best case scenario in my case is that she hates her own life choices and seeing others do better. But it doesn't explain two decades of systematic psychological and emotional abuse, medical neglect etc. Triangulation with siblings is classic too.

Really hope you smash thr exams and make it.

My best friend lives with me half the week and goes back to Bangor the other half. His children have a perfectly happy life so it can be done.

 

[lucky]

@rey mysterio good luck on them exams mate .

 

[70s traveller]

Honestly feels like I can’t win with them. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.

Awful situation, but in time you'll be able to get your head around it because you've realised that you haven't created the issue yourself. So don't blame yourself.

@rey mysterio good luck on them exams mate .

Really hope it works out, big step for rebuilding your self confidence.

Aye. Me dad sort of ignores all that and doesn’t know how to really deal with it with me but is a voice of reason. However my mam has always put me down and been critical, comparing me to others. She reacts badly to pretty much everything I do and somehow I’m never good enough in her eyes. Every time I try to talk to her about how I’m feeling her problems are somehow far worse.


Aye pretty much this. It’s as if they don’t believe me because I don’t appear that I struggle on the outside. I never have done until it boils over and the self destruct button gets pushed. I’d like to think I’ve moved away from that now after the business last winter but it’s still there lurking over me like a cloud.

I think at the root of it all is my financial situation. If I was stable then I think I’d be a lot happier than I am. I’ve begged them for help getting my debt under control in the past, and now that I’m managing it’s always sly comments about how I shouldn’t have gotten myself into a mess or “we never went into debt for anything”.

The reason I got into financial services for employment was literally to not make mistakes myself again. I’m smashing through exams and I am almost at diploma level, but my parents think it is a Walter Mitty pipe dream that I’ll ever get anywhere with it. Add that to the nasty comments I get from my mam and the “you’re a disgrace”, “you’re a terrible father” etc. really doesn’t help. It’s not like she’s a bad person but she doesn’t think when she comes out with things like this or what impact this has on me.

Then when I mention moving away for a better job when the time comes, I face emotional blackmail “what about the kids”.

Honestly feels like I can’t win with them. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.

Reading & thinking about the above again, you're already well on the way to being someone that can stand on their own feet for themself. It's about you now, not the past. it's not for me to say that moving out of their reaches is a benefit but by the fact you're takng this course you've worked it all out for yourself.

 

[rey mysterio]

Thanks everyone, means a lot. I am still trying to focus on the positives and the exams are keeping me going, if I get through this then sky is the limit so they say.

 

[lucky]

Thanks everyone, means a lot. I am still trying to focus on the positives and the exams are keeping me going, if I get through this then sky is the limit so they say.

That's amazing mate and ONCE you pass these exams and in a good place just look back and see how far you have come .

 

[70s traveller]

Thanks everyone, means a lot. I am still trying to focus on the positives and the exams are keeping me going, if I get through this then sky is the limit so they say.

It is.