Suicide must be a dark place

WillD said:
My childhood mate, Paul Bond from midfield took his life a year and a half ago. He was supposed to be coming across here for Christmas. I was in the assembly with the kids giving out awards when the telephone call came through. I was devistated. I kept thinking why didn't he ring me? Why not ask me for help?

Eventually I had to accept it was what he wanted, not us, not his friends, not his family.

He didn't want to cope and more, he didn't want to struggle, he wanted out.

His memories still live on with us, and boy I miss him and wish he was still here, but he's at peace, not tortured, not struggling, but at peace.

RIP Bondy mate. 😢
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Totally know what you mean when you say why didn’t he ring why didn’t he talk to me ..... I think that every day about my mate I mentioned in the OP

it’s heartbreaking but suppose like you say we have to accept they wanted out they didn’t want to struggle anymore

Hard times but just keep the memories mate and when you miss him think of the good times cos I know I do
 


The soap powder said:
Totally know what you mean when you say why didn’t he ring why didn’t he talk to me ..... I think that every day about my mate I mentioned in the OP

it’s heartbreaking but suppose like you say we have to accept they wanted out they didn’t want to struggle anymore

Hard times but just keep the memories mate and when you miss him think of the good times cos I know I do
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My cousin took her own life she was 21 (I was 12 at the time) and I can honestly say, our family has never truly recovered. Her name was mentioned in a speech at a family wedding a couple of years ago and half the room were in tears. I asked myself the same questions - why didn't she call someone? Why didn't she asked for help? But I understand know that her state of mind was beyond asking for help. She only had one thought in her mind to ease her pain and that was the ultimate decision. What made it harder for us all was that she seemed so happy on the outside. She was the life and soul of the party on the Sat night, then on the Weds night she took her own life.

I accept her decision, of course I do, but it still hurts 30 years later. I often wonder what she would have made of her life and how our own lives might have been different for her being around, but ultimately it was never meant to be.

As per the OP - Suicide is a very dark place and I can only imagine what goes through a person's mind when they contemplate it.
 
TopCat said:
My cousin took her own life she was 21 (I was 12 at the time) and I can honestly say, our family has never truly recovered. Her name was mentioned in a speech at a family wedding a couple of years ago and half the room were in tears. I asked myself the same questions - why didn't she call someone? Why didn't she asked for help? But I understand know that her state of mind was beyond asking for help. She only had one thought in her mind to ease her pain and that was the ultimate decision. What made it harder for us all was that she seemed so happy on the outside. She was the life and soul of the party on the Sat night, then on the Weds night she took her own life.

I accept her decision, of course I do, but it still hurts 30 years later. I often wonder what she would have made of her life and how our own lives might have been different for her being around, but ultimately it was never meant to be.

As per the OP - Suicide is a very dark place and I can only imagine what goes through a person's mind when they contemplate it.
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Suppose we will never understand the decision mate but we have to accept it.

like you say just think we don’t ever recover and will always miss them

A bit like your cousin my mate was so happy really getting his life together but obviously he either had things on his mind or things he couldn’t deal with anymore and took that horrible decision

Just hope he’s at peace now and we will do all we can to look out for his kids now and keep them safe where we can ......
 
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
 
goochman said:
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
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There is definitely happiness out there, just as you have had happiness before, you can have it again. All the ingredients are there for it.
Iam not qualified to advise, but experience tells me to give yourself time, this might mean a few weeks on the sick to concentrate on your mental and physical well-being, allowing you to get into a healthy routine, take some counselling and giving you the space to get the meds right.
 
goochman said:
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
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Life gets to us all like that mate. just keep talking and opening up weather that's on here or you get professional help
I bet your wife would understand how you're feeling and maybe it takes you to talk to her to get that first step to some help.
You said you have friends and family who wouldn't expect it, but they would understand and help
All of us are here for you as well though and my inbox is always open on here if you want to rant or reach out pal
Hope you can get sorted and like I say don't think about things just open up get the things of your chest and reach out for help
You don't always have to be the joker its ok sometimes for you not to be ok and actually take time for yourself
 
goochman said:
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
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Sorry if this sound trivial as I am fortunate to not be in a place like that.
But I enjoy planning things, a concert, a weekend away, a holiday, a festival, a show, card night, whatever you enjoy doing.
When I look at my google calendar there is always something to look forward to with friends or the wife or kids.
I think it's healthy to see more for yourself than work-eat-sleep-repeat.
Sometimes I get as much of a buzz from planning an event than actually doing it, especially if it's a surprise for the family.

Also don't discount medication, it is meant to be for steadying the ship during a stormy period, not a permanent crutch.
Once you are through the darkest hour you can then start to wean back off again.
 
goochman said:
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
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What is it that is keeping you there, do you ever have any me time to just do whatever?

It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant even something as simple as listening to music to take your mind away from it.

Get yourself a new interest or hobby, if you do the same things day in day out nothing will change, turn that page and find the next chapter.
 
The only thing that stops me, I think, is knowing the pain that the suicide of someone caused our entire family.

The effects have lasted years. It completely fractured what had been a close family. My aunty never recovered from the loss, the lynchpin that held together all manner of family events vanished, me and my brother have managed to hate each other and me and my mam have an incredibly fractured relationship. Largely as I blame her like.

That said, mentioned on the depression thread that I was there or there abouts just 2 days ago. I spent hours mulling over the best way. Thankfully all I have to show for it is a black eye
 
goochman said:
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
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So sorry to hear you feel like that.

Agree with what has been posted, especially about finding a small amount of me time where you can do something you enjoy just for you. Even if it's just 10-15 mins reading a book you've been meaning to read or something like that will help.

Not sure where you live, but there's groups on at the Foundation, such as football where it's more having a fun kick around with mates rather than playing. Have a look on their website or I can find out more info if you're interested. Anything that gets your endorphins going is good, even just a brisk walk will help.

@SPACEnortheast has a mens group on every Wednesday at the Beacon and you'd be more than welcome to join that. It's a men only group and you can talk as much or as little as you want. The lad who runs it is lovely and I know one of his helpers who is also a really nice man.

Have a look at Andy's Man club as well. They run on Monday nights and have groups all over the place Andy's Man Club | #ITSOKAYTOTALK

Keep talking and look after yourself xx
 
goochman said:
There’s some real eye opening stories in this thread!
I have struggled with depression in the past and I feel
Like it has come back with a bang over the last six months.
On the face of it I have a nice home wife and kids and a well payed but sometimes demanding job but one that I do enjoy.
I have had some real dark thoughts over the last few months and if I try to pin it down I would say that I’m just feeling like I’m in ground hog day. Every day is the same work, sort kids eat sleep repeat. I just feel devoid of any enjoyment and can’t seem to see a way out of it.
I look back and feel that I’ve always had this sadness in my life, a sense of loneliness and due to a number of factors I’ve never let myself get close to anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand how I feel, not even the wife!
I have little or no motivation and have physically let myself go over the last 12/18 months when I used to always enjoy activity of some sort.
I’ve been down the medication route before but feel it is a. Temporary fix and wasn’t keen on how it made me feel.
Even at my worst depression 12/13 years ago I never thought about actually harming myself yet now I find myself daily thinking about these things! I look at myself and don’t recognise myself and I know my friends family wouldn’t see this side of me as I’m the classic joker on the outside!
I just don’t see a path forward to anywhere happier!
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Hey Goochman,

I see you don’t think anyone would understand how you feel! I promise you mate, that isn’t he case. You’re definitely not alone.

Some of the stories we hear at our groups you wouldn’t believe and guess what they all have in common? They all thought nobody would understand how they felt, and they were all wrong!

You’re not alone buddy, if you ever wanna talk with us, we’re at the beacon of Light every Wednesday from 7pm. 😊
 
SPACEnortheast said:
Hey Goochman,

I see you don’t think anyone would understand how you feel! I promise you mate, that isn’t he case. You’re definitely not alone.

Some of the stories we hear at our groups you wouldn’t believe and guess what they all have in common? They all thought nobody would understand how they felt, and they were all wrong!

You’re not alone buddy, if you ever wanna talk with us, we’re at the beacon of Light every Wednesday from 7pm. 😊
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Seriously considering coming along
Thank you 😔
 

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