Walking away from an abusive relationship

ive been out of the loop for a while but IIRC there is a cycle of abuse in which the victim has to recover from.

separation from friends
degrading behaviour
separation from family
mental abuse
physical abuse
I'm sorry I will change. I love you
fear
worthless

It is very difficult for the victim to break free as they have no or little belief in themselves. there is support out there and of course social services / police need to be involved for the protection / safeguarding of the children / victim.
They can also help the victim with support and if needed some sort of safety net
 


Yorkiemackem said:
Probably nothing different to what many other guys on here have been thru reconciled with my ex wife 15yrs ago after she left me and the kids for another bloke that was mistake number 1 always said to my self i would not let her back in my life but felt pressurised by my kids who she minipulated.
Was never right from day 1 roll on 15yrs she is a raving alcoholic pissed more than she is sober with a vile and disgusting temper last straw came last week when she pulled a kitchen knife on me and started waving it in my face. What hurts the most is that i have been so consumed and so upset by her that i have lost all my friends and have had no one to talk to for 15yrs about how i feel. Plus i know this might sound soppy but its awful when you have no one to give love to and you dont receive any love in your life. Im registered disabled after an accident at work 3yrs ago and know find myself living in my caravan what a pile of shit life can be sometimes.
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I'd honestly try taking up a new hobby and stay off the drink mate. I know you don't have a drinking problem but it only ever makes these situations worse for yourself. Look online for disabled gym classes or board game groups or other groups that are welcome to everyone. As stupid as it sounds finding a new hobby, something youve never tried but think youll hate etc. is brilliant for you cos once you put your mind to anything you just naturally end up enjoying it and everyone already there will love a newcomer. you'll make new friends and people who will probly have shit situations going on in their life aswell. Try it mate, i bet you'll be suprised.
 
soapster said:
ive been out of the loop for a while but IIRC there is a cycle of abuse in which the victim has to recover from.

separation from friends
degrading behaviour
separation from family
mental abuse
physical abuse
I'm sorry I will change. I love you
fear
worthless

It is very difficult for the victim to break free as they have no or little belief in themselves. there is support out there and of course social services / police need to be involved for the protection / safeguarding of the children / victim.
They can also help the victim with support and if needed some sort of safety net
Click to expand...

Mrs K was in a violent and abusive relationship for three years prior to meeting me. She left him after a year but went back to him as at the time of leaving him it wasn’t her decision. Two years afterwards she left him again for good as at that time she had made the conscious choice to leave. She met me a month afterwards and we’ve been married 25 years next month.

Everything you’ve listed in your post is what’s happened to her in that relationship. It also didn’t help that he was a proper wrong un and was in and out of young offenders institutions for all of the time they were together. Ironic that two years after we married I became a cop!

Even though it’s been 26 years since she left him, the effects of that relationship have permeated into ours. At times she can be a proper hard faced bitch towards me; I put it down to her over compensating for being a punch bag for him. I’ve never laid a hand on any woman and I never ever would with her, but at times it’s caused proper issues with us.

Anyway, best of luck to the op.
 
Aituk7 said:
I'd honestly try taking up a new hobby and stay off the drink mate. I know you don't have a drinking problem but it only ever makes these situations worse for yourself. Look online for disabled gym classes or board game groups or other groups that are welcome to everyone. As stupid as it sounds finding a new hobby, something youve never tried but think youll hate etc. is brilliant for you cos once you put your mind to anything you just naturally end up enjoying it and everyone already there will love a newcomer. you'll make new friends and people who will probly have shit situations going on in their life aswell. Try it mate, i bet you'll be suprised.
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Just not going to the match! :lol:
 
Evil Jimmy Krankie said:
Mrs K was in a violent and abusive relationship for three years prior to meeting me. She left him after a year but went back to him as at the time of leaving him it wasn’t her decision. Two years afterwards she left him again for good as at that time she had made the conscious choice to leave. She met me a month afterwards and we’ve been married 25 years next month.

Everything you’ve listed in your post is what’s happened to her in that relationship. It also didn’t help that he was a proper wrong un and was in and out of young offenders institutions for all of the time they were together. Ironic that two years after we married I became a cop!

Even though it’s been 26 years since she left him, the effects of that relationship have permeated into ours. At times she can be a proper hard faced bitch towards me; I put it down to her over compensating for being a punch bag for him. I’ve never laid a hand on any woman and I never ever would with her, but at times it’s caused proper issues with us.

Anyway, best of luck to the op.
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your wife has done well, to get out and then put her trust in a man and she has made a success of it.

she survived.

things that hurt mentally are the worst to heal. a black eye disappears but the mental scar of what made the black eye stays forever.

The spoken word can never be retracted

she has to be strong mentally otherwise she knows she will just crumble and physically she can be a wreck.

you know yourself that you may have seen something that was very unpleasant to see. you can push it to the back of your mind, but something somewhere may just trigger that memory.

It is the same for her

good luck to you both and to the op as you say and hope it shows the op that there is a way forward and it can work.

very brave of you to say what you have done
 
Yorkiemackem said:
Probably nothing different to what many other guys on here have been thru reconciled with my ex wife 15yrs ago after she left me and the kids for another bloke that was mistake number 1 always said to my self i would not let her back in my life but felt pressurised by my kids who she minipulated.
Was never right from day 1 roll on 15yrs she is a raving alcoholic pissed more than she is sober with a vile and disgusting temper last straw came last week when she pulled a kitchen knife on me and started waving it in my face. What hurts the most is that i have been so consumed and so upset by her that i have lost all my friends and have had no one to talk to for 15yrs about how i feel. Plus i know this might sound soppy but its awful when you have no one to give love to and you dont receive any love in your life. Im registered disabled after an accident at work 3yrs ago and know find myself living in my caravan what a pile of shit life can be sometimes.
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Really sorry to hear of your troubles marra. And it doesn't sound soppy at all. Take up a hobby or two and it'll not only keep you occupied but you'll also make some new friends. It won't seem like it at the moment but things always get better.
 
No it's not easy, I guess it feels like the very fabric of who you are has fragmented. You have some choices though it probably doesn't feel like it now. It's 30 years since I went through it and I still harbour some hurt and anger towards my ex. However I spent time by myself and got to actually be happy with my own company. I think that might be important-the avoidance of a premature reattachment- the need to be with someone. So much of my identity at that time was tied up with the thought that I was less if I wasn't in a relationship. What I hadn't realised was that the result of being with a psycho was that bit by bit, lumps of who I was had been knocked away. It's taken me a long time to become the person I am now, content to be me. So the most important relationship for you at this time is the one you have with yourself I suggest.
Just give yourself time, heal as much as you can, be gentle with yourself and move on. The moving on takes time. Best of luck.
 
HerdnMulhall said:
No it's not easy, I guess it feels like the very fabric of who you are has fragmented. You have some choices though it probably doesn't feel like it now. It's 30 years since I went through it and I still harbour some hurt and anger towards my ex. However I spent time by myself and got to actually be happy with my own company. I think that might be important-the avoidance of a premature reattachment- the need to be with someone. So much of my identity at that time was tied up with the thought that I was less if I wasn't in a relationship. What I hadn't realised was that the result of being with a psycho was that bit by bit, lumps of who I was had been knocked away. It's taken me a long time to become the person I am now, content to be me. So the most important relationship for you at this time is the one you have with yourself I suggest.
Just give yourself time, heal as much as you can, be gentle with yourself and move on. The moving on takes time. Best of luck.
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So what you're really saying, is get out there and hump everything that moves? ;)
 
Walk away and improve your quality of life... you should be proud that you have walked away...that’s the hardest part...things can only get better...
 
Typhoonftm said:
So what you're really saying, is get out there and hump everything that moves? ;)
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Well it helped...eventually.:):):)
But I did spend sometime alone. Putting things in perspective. Didn't jump back and repeat the same mistakes. Eventually met someone and here we are 24 years later. Happy,content. I genuinely don't believe that that would have happened if I'd gone straight back into a new relationship.
But shagging around for a while did do me the world of good. After a year or so of just getting my shit together.
 
Yorkiemackem said:
Probably nothing different to what many other guys on here have been thru reconciled with my ex wife 15yrs ago after she left me and the kids for another bloke that was mistake number 1 always said to my self i would not let her back in my life but felt pressurised by my kids who she minipulated.
Was never right from day 1 roll on 15yrs she is a raving alcoholic pissed more than she is sober with a vile and disgusting temper last straw came last week when she pulled a kitchen knife on me and started waving it in my face. What hurts the most is that i have been so consumed and so upset by her that i have lost all my friends and have had no one to talk to for 15yrs about how i feel. Plus i know this might sound soppy but its awful when you have no one to give love to and you dont receive any love in your life. Im registered disabled after an accident at work 3yrs ago and know find myself living in my caravan what a pile of shit life can be sometimes.
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It’s only when I look back now that I realise I was in a (mentally) abusive relationship, which I’ve been out of for over 30 years. After we split she used my lad as a dagger to get back at me. When she found out my mrs and I were expecting she made up a fight over fuck all. The end result was I didn’t see my lad for over 16 years as I thought he would be better off not being a pawn in the middle and walked away from it.
I’m now back in contact with him and I have a good relationship with him, his wife and my granddaughter. He has no contact with his mother now as she totally fucked with his head too.
Stay strong, you’ll come of the other end of this and you’ll wonder why you put up with it for so many years
 
Yorkiemackem said:
and know find myself living in my caravan what a pile of shit life can be sometimes.
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The next time you have an opportunity for love just GRAB HER with both hands.

In all seriousness, moving on is difficult, but I'm sure you've made the right move and everything will work out given time.
 
Yorkiemackem said:
Probably nothing different to what many other guys on here have been thru reconciled with my ex wife 15yrs ago after she left me and the kids for another bloke that was mistake number 1 always said to my self i would not let her back in my life but felt pressurised by my kids who she minipulated.
Was never right from day 1 roll on 15yrs she is a raving alcoholic pissed more than she is sober with a vile and disgusting temper last straw came last week when she pulled a kitchen knife on me and started waving it in my face. What hurts the most is that i have been so consumed and so upset by her that i have lost all my friends and have had no one to talk to for 15yrs about how i feel. Plus i know this might sound soppy but its awful when you have no one to give love to and you dont receive any love in your life. Im registered disabled after an accident at work 3yrs ago and know find myself living in my caravan what a pile of shit life can be sometimes.
Click to expand...
Mate, sorry you’ve had to go through that. Sounds brave as fuck what you’ve done though so you should canny proud of yourself.
I’d imagine you’ve done the hardest part now and though it’s not going to immediately become easy, as long as you stay strong in moments of weakness (which you will have...often) it will become far easier and your life will be far better for it.
 
Yorkiemackem said:
Probably nothing different to what many other guys on here have been thru reconciled with my ex wife 15yrs ago after she left me and the kids for another bloke that was mistake number 1 always said to my self i would not let her back in my life but felt pressurised by my kids who she minipulated.
Was never right from day 1 roll on 15yrs she is a raving alcoholic pissed more than she is sober with a vile and disgusting temper last straw came last week when she pulled a kitchen knife on me and started waving it in my face. What hurts the most is that i have been so consumed and so upset by her that i have lost all my friends and have had no one to talk to for 15yrs about how i feel. Plus i know this might sound soppy but its awful when you have no one to give love to and you dont receive any love in your life. Im registered disabled after an accident at work 3yrs ago and know find myself living in my caravan what a pile of shit life can be sometimes.
Click to expand...
That's shit what you have been through, but now at least you have the space and time now to find your real self again after the fog she cast over the true you. I just wish you the best for your future mate.
 

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