Things you would do if you could control

Can they not be karate chopped in half?
Only by other seagulls. That's the bit that totally-not-bullshitting individual omitted from his story that would have made it all make sense.

For my answer, I'd be accompanied most places in public by a coterie of bears. I imagine that would cut down my queuing time somewhat and allow me some leeway to engage in antisocial peccadilloes like farting in elevators. I'd also like to set them upon cyclists who violate traffic rules and anyone taking selfies in public (both populations being entirely composed of people so self-absorbed as to not notice the bears until it was far too late).
 


Use them to overthrow the government. Start with slow mental torture just to disturb them a little at first. Plague of ants everywhere they go. Then pick a type of small bird to just sit watching always. Something like a chaffinch. On the window sills of number 10, at their homes, sitting close by for public speeches, not doing anything, just watching. Any time they are near a window or outside and look about, there will be one or more birds following their every move. Get out the car and what is on the nearest fence?

Ramp it up to more and bigger animals. Everywhere they go, watched by a fox, a chaffinch and an owl. Sitting, at a distance, watching. That is before you go on the attack with bigger animals.
 
I'd instruct loads of Cod, monk fish and Salmon to head into the traps i've set up just offshore. Start up a rival to Latimers, Croziers chippy and Daniellas chippy.

Maybe a bit of crabbery too for variety.
 
What if like, Dion Dublin starts introducing a house for sale on Homes Under the Hammer and he's like "This is a two bed semi, as you can see the downstairs windows are boarded up and the garden is a little bit neglected..." and then suddenly a phalanx of seagulls starts going for him and in his panic he stumbles into a busy A-road and gets hit by a van. All the crew are in absolute bits, crying and all that. I'm just sitting on a wall laughing my tits off eating a baguette, safe in the knowledge there's absolutely no way they can pin anything on me.
You not like dion?😂
 
Abolish religion
Need more details. Is this a frontal attack - like elephants battering down church walls, baboons tearing the eyes out of vicars, and muezzins having their calls to prayer drowned out by inconceivably large cacophonies of seagulls - or something more harmonious, like a peace-loving pig convincing the world through good works that kindness and morals do not require large financial donations to grifting zealots reading from the script of a millennia-old Michael Bay movie?

If the latter, I'm out. I really don't need Jesus Pig, and I would really like to see some revolution-by-simian.
 

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