Stupidity

chopperrus

chopperrus

Midfield
I’ve done something incredibly stupid. I was coming out of work in November and for some reason I decided that if I couldn’t find a job by the 30th November I would kill myself. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family Nd I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d planned it all, found a secluded spot, what I was cooking for my daughter’s breakfast before taking her to school etc.

Then it all changed and I found work a few days before the end of November, came out of nowhere so my plans changed completely.

On my 2nd day at my new job I start bleeding everyone I go to the toilet and I mean lots of blood with huge blood clots.

I’m I’ll and get the doctor to see me and I’m given an urgent 2 week referral for suspected cancer which h I have tomorrow.

I’m worried sick but feel that by wanting to end it all I’m now reaping what i sowed.

I don’t want any sympathy and expect abuse for being total fool. I just wish I’d never decided on the course I planned.

But on the bright side I can possibly sing Last Christmas with gusto and mean it.....

Have a great Xmas everyone.
 


chopperrus said:
I’ve done something incredibly stupid. I was coming out of work in November and for some reason I decided that if I couldn’t find a job by the 30th November I would kill myself. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family Nd I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d planned it all, found a secluded spot, what I was cooking for my daughter’s breakfast before taking her to school etc.

Then it all changed and I found work a few days before the end of November, came out of nowhere so my plans changed completely.

On my 2nd day at my new job I start bleeding everyone I go to the toilet and I mean lots of blood with huge blood clots.

I’m I’ll and get the doctor to see me and I’m given an urgent 2 week referral for suspected cancer which h I have tomorrow.

I’m worried sick but feel that by wanting to end it all I’m now reaping what i sowed.

I don’t want any sympathy and expect abuse for being total fool. I just wish I’d never decided on the course I planned.

But on the bright side I can possibly sing Last Christmas with gusto and mean it.....

Have a great Xmas everyone.
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Still cant see what you`ve done that was incredibly stupid...unless the new job was the mags chief trophy polisher. Dont worry too much about it, hopefully nowt worse than a popped arse grape. Best of luck with it
 
chopperrus said:
I’ve done something incredibly stupid. I was coming out of work in November and for some reason I decided that if I couldn’t find a job by the 30th November I would kill myself. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family Nd I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d planned it all, found a secluded spot, what I was cooking for my daughter’s breakfast before taking her to school etc.

Then it all changed and I found work a few days before the end of November, came out of nowhere so my plans changed completely.

On my 2nd day at my new job I start bleeding everyone I go to the toilet and I mean lots of blood with huge blood clots.

I’m I’ll and get the doctor to see me and I’m given an urgent 2 week referral for suspected cancer which h I have tomorrow.

I’m worried sick but feel that by wanting to end it all I’m now reaping what i sowed.

I don’t want any sympathy and expect abuse for being total fool. I just wish I’d never decided on the course I planned.

But on the bright side I can possibly sing Last Christmas with gusto and mean it.....

Have a great Xmas everyone.
Click to expand...
I'm so sorry to hear that, please keep that doctors appointment and perhaps ask for some antidepressants and any other help you can get. Don't panic about anything, there are many cancer treatments available should the prognosis be along those lines - but it could be something else so just stay positive xxx big (((hugs)))) and remember that your family love you and are there for you xxx
 
You aren’t stupid at all, you’re going through a difficult time in your life.

If you do consider taking your life then please speak to someone even if it’s on here.

Without being judgemental do you think that you might put MORE burden on your family if you weren’t around? When I can’t face going to work on a morning I peek into the front window when I’m on the way out, and I take a look at the kids to remind myself of why I go to work. Yes it’s to pay for the TV and loads of toys that the little ***** only play with for a few days. ;)
 
chopperrus said:
I’ve done something incredibly stupid. I was coming out of work in November and for some reason I decided that if I couldn’t find a job by the 30th November I would kill myself. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family Nd I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d planned it all, found a secluded spot, what I was cooking for my daughter’s breakfast before taking her to school etc.

Then it all changed and I found work a few days before the end of November, came out of nowhere so my plans changed completely.

On my 2nd day at my new job I start bleeding everyone I go to the toilet and I mean lots of blood with huge blood clots.

I’m I’ll and get the doctor to see me and I’m given an urgent 2 week referral for suspected cancer which h I have tomorrow.

I’m worried sick but feel that by wanting to end it all I’m now reaping what i sowed.

I don’t want any sympathy and expect abuse for being total fool. I just wish I’d never decided on the course I planned.

But on the bright side I can possibly sing Last Christmas with gusto and mean it.....

Have a great Xmas everyone.
Click to expand...

The course you planned is in the past. It never happened, you're still here, and you managed to get a job, so well done on achieving that when you were not in the best of mind. That means you are really a lot stronger than you think you are.

The hospital test is worrying but it's definitely not a punishment for bad thoughts. It's just one of these coincidences where several twatty things all come along at once and you feel like the whole world is against you. Keep an open mind as there are other things it could be rather than cancer. Try and relax and put it out of your mind until tomorrow and you find out exactly what is going on.

Don't let that bad thought define the rest of your life. We've all done silly things that we bury in our past and hope they stop there. Just shove it there with everyone elses stupid mistakes and let it rot. You've got a little lass and she needs her Daddy. Be strong for her sake and get some help. Things may look bleak now, but I promise you this can all be fixed if you can find the strength to fight it. Keep talking pet and we will get through this xx
 
There are many people who go through bad times but I will tell you what - there are some unbelievable people on the SMB who will go way beyond to help people in trouble.

And the two ladies above are amongst the best from what I have seen.

Take a step at a time - get your diagnosis and keep talking to people including on here. It is often very helpful to get stuff off your chest to someone you have never and may never meet.
 
chopperrus said:
I’ve done something incredibly stupid. I was coming out of work in November and for some reason I decided that if I couldn’t find a job by the 30th November I would kill myself. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family Nd I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d planned it all, found a secluded spot, what I was cooking for my daughter’s breakfast before taking her to school etc.

Then it all changed and I found work a few days before the end of November, came out of nowhere so my plans changed completely.

On my 2nd day at my new job I start bleeding everyone I go to the toilet and I mean lots of blood with huge blood clots.

I’m I’ll and get the doctor to see me and I’m given an urgent 2 week referral for suspected cancer which h I have tomorrow.

I’m worried sick but feel that by wanting to end it all I’m now reaping what i sowed.

I don’t want any sympathy and expect abuse for being total fool. I just wish I’d never decided on the course I planned.

But on the bright side I can possibly sing Last Christmas with gusto and mean it.....

Have a great Xmas everyone.
Click to expand...
You seem to be saying that by thinking of suicide you have brought on cancer yes?
Forget about that mate, I hope you haven't got cancer but if you have the way you were thinking didn't cause it.
How do I know? I speak to depressed people with suicidal ideation day in, day out and they don't catch cancer when they get over it so why should you. That's the evidence from many hundreds, trust me.
So get your foot off your own neck in guilt and get ready to get well whatever.
All the best
 
Fuck me mate hope everything goes well for you, and at least you had the sense to not do anything silly in November
Best of luck and have a great Christmas regardless of any illness with your family
 
The amount of positive results on a 2ww are low. Some come back positive but your bleeding could be something less sinister and in the balance of probabilities are likely to be something you will talk about over coffee and laugh about 1 day.
 
You’ve done exactly the right thing in getting a quick hospital appointment. I’ve been there and totally feel for your worries but there are lots of other possible causes. It’s entirely possible the exact opposite is the case and your physical condition was affecting your mood before it became evident. I wish you all the best. My tests showed I had a serious but perfectly treatable problem and, two years on, I feel better than I have in years. Good luck for tomorrow and I hope you and your family have a happy Christmas and a very prosperous new year.
 
chopperrus said:
I’ve done something incredibly stupid. I was coming out of work in November and for some reason I decided that if I couldn’t find a job by the 30th November I would kill myself. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family Nd I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d planned it all, found a secluded spot, what I was cooking for my daughter’s breakfast before taking her to school etc.

Then it all changed and I found work a few days before the end of November, came out of nowhere so my plans changed completely.

On my 2nd day at my new job I start bleeding everyone I go to the toilet and I mean lots of blood with huge blood clots.

I’m I’ll and get the doctor to see me and I’m given an urgent 2 week referral for suspected cancer which h I have tomorrow.

I’m worried sick but feel that by wanting to end it all I’m now reaping what i sowed.

I don’t want any sympathy and expect abuse for being total fool. I just wish I’d never decided on the course I planned.

But on the bright side I can possibly sing Last Christmas with gusto and mean it.....

Have a great Xmas everyone.
Click to expand...
Life is precious.... you are defined by how you deal with lifes disappointments..the rest will help take care of its self..
 
I was shitting blood, thought i had cancer but after seeing the dr and a spell in hospital, it turned out to be ulcerative colitis. There's hundreds/thousands of conditions that lead to shitting blood.
 
chopperrus said:
Honestly thanks for all your kind thoughts.

Been out for a few beers with my partner and daughter. Met a few mates and we've laughed about it being my Last Xmas etc.

I'm an emotional wreck now like but hey ho life goes on
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Keep on keeping on fella, I'll be thinking about you (so please let us know how you get on). I know you're scared but you're strong and you're dealing with things xxx

Market Where? said:
There are many people who go through bad times but I will tell you what - there are some unbelievable people on the SMB who will go way beyond to help people in trouble.

And the two ladies above are amongst the best from what I have seen.

Take a step at a time - get your diagnosis and keep talking to people including on here. It is often very helpful to get stuff off your chest to someone you have never and may never meet.
Click to expand...
What a kind and lovely thing to say, thank you xx
 
Skandhaless said:
You seem to be saying that by thinking of suicide you have brought on cancer yes?
Forget about that mate, I hope you haven't got cancer but if you have the way you were thinking didn't cause it.
How do I know? I speak to depressed people with suicidal ideation day in, day out and they don't catch cancer when they get over it so why should you. That's the evidence from many hundreds, trust me.
So get your foot off your own neck in guilt and get ready to get well whatever.
All the best
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Mate you've got crying proper here. I've lost loads of weight but I'm sure it's because I'm worried but I can't escape the fact I wanted to kill myself. I'm not a good man for possibly puttimg my family through hell
 
chopperrus said:
Mate you've got crying proper here. I've lost loads of weight but I'm sure it's because I'm worried but I can't escape the fact I wanted to kill myself. I'm not a good man for possibly puttimg my family through hell
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Don't think about the what if's. You haven't put your family through anything because you didn't do anything.

The weight loss and blood loss are good signs for ulcerative colitis or crohn's disease. I lost a ton of weight and had bleeding before I was diagnosed. Both are conditions that are treatable and you can live a pretty much normal life with just taking a bit of extra caution with diet etc.
 

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