Parents getting old

hairynaker

hairynaker

Winger
My mam and dad are getting on now and it's' causing them issues, dad is less mobile (memory also on the slide and has fallen a few times) and so relies totally on mam. This means she doesn't get out much and it's causing a little resentment (although she is not saying that).

Tried talking to them about getting help but mam is saying they don't need any. Anyone been in this situation (not parents getting old but refusing support), any advice?
 


Where do they live?
The council run a befriending/sitting service that put people in with the one needing care so that the other person can have a break.
 
This is the problem, getting help at the right time really well, helps.
But waiting until things are terrible, then getting help far too late leads to a care home in my (albeit limited) experience.
 
jackynutmeg said:
Where do they live?
The council run a befriending/sitting service that put people in with the one needing care so that the other person can have a break.
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County Durham, so will look into that thanks.

PTR said:
This is the problem, getting help at the right time really well, helps.
But waiting until things are terrible, then getting help far too late leads to a care home in my (albeit limited) experience.
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I know, it's like a pride thing and not accepting older age.
 
hairynaker said:
My mam and dad are getting on now and it's' causing them issues, dad is less mobile (memory also on the slide and has fallen a few times) and so relies totally on mam. This means she doesn't get out much and it's causing a little resentment (although she is not saying that).

Tried talking to them about getting help but mam is saying they don't need any. Anyone been in this situation (not parents getting old but refusing support), any advice?
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It's hard mate . My mam is 90 and was bad for most of the winter laid up with that chest thing . She lives 80 mile away.
she wouldn't have bugger all bar the doctor , wouldn't come to live with us , even for a short time , wouldn't have a carer because " her next door is a carer and they are all fat and ugly ":oops::confused:.
I even offered to screen a private full time carer that she would like but nope.
We just ended up going down as much as we could ringing daily etc.
Long and short of it (IMHO) is mate , they were once and still are competent adults , they have the right to chose their own destiny no matter how ill judged and no matter how it hurts and frustrates us to witness it .
This is the case until they actually lose capacity then we have to step in and try even then to do what they would have wanted .
My mum is now recovered ( after months ) and is again hoovering and doing her own windows . She thanks me for letting her decide .
We lose much as we get older , people, health , strength , even memories . We can at least keep independance in choice.
It's hard stuff mate and you will always do what you feel best , don't knock yourself for whatever that is .
 
hairynaker said:
My mam and dad are getting on now and it's' causing them issues, dad is less mobile (memory also on the slide and has fallen a few times) and so relies totally on mam. This means she doesn't get out much and it's causing a little resentment (although she is not saying that).

Tried talking to them about getting help but mam is saying they don't need any. Anyone been in this situation (not parents getting old but refusing support), any advice?
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Got the same thing going on..Dad 81..Mam 82..both Alzheimers..Dad's worse like..last few weeks Dads fell over a few times culminating in him breaking his arm in 3 places..for their own safety we've moved them into my bungalow to take away the stairs..mine were the same..don't want any help..we're ok..just comes to a point where you need to make decisions for them..there's a pop in carer scheme you could try through social services..it's free for 6 weeks..someone will pop in to make sure they're ok..had a meal..taken medication..need anything..you could try it..you never know they may get used to it.
 
Yes - my Mam does my head in at times refusing help with my Dad so I know how you feel.

Are there any clubs or anything near you that they can go to get them out and about a bit more? Mine go to a group in Bethany Church at Houghton on Tuesdays where they get their dinner and there are various activities on. Mam and Dad usually go in different activities so Mam gets a little break from caring from him and the chance to natter to other adults. They'd be more than welcome if they wanted to go there.

If you can persuade her, social services will do an assessment and offer support based on their findings. Everyone panics when they hear social services but they're not going to take him away or anything like that, unless he was in serious danger. They will try and keep people in their home environment if it's possible. They will be able to advise adjustments or any other support that will help them.

If it's his memory, try dementia charities or Age UK and see if they can suggest anything. My parents get a lot of helps from the Stroke Association as that's what's wrong with my Dad.

Hope you get things sorted xx
 
I think it's a generation thing. .. A few years ago my mother was falling over a lot and I suggested a scooter or a frame, the look I got off her alone was enough to make me realise before her reply " I'm not going to use anything like that to get around I can manage, after all I've managed over 80 years " so my suggestion to keep falling over then was met with an indignant " I bloody well will "

Stubborn and too proud are a couple of words that spring to mind
 
tarantula said:
I think it's a generation thing. .. A few years ago my mother was falling over a lot and I suggested a scooter or a frame, the look I got off her alone was enough to make me realise before her reply " I'm not going to use anything like that to get around I can manage, after all I've managed over 80 years " so my suggestion to keep falling over then was met with an indignant " I bloody well will "

Stubborn and too proud are a couple of words that spring to mind
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My Great Nana wanted to go to the Metrocentre when it opened. My Mam said she'd take her and hire a wheelchair. My Nana looked at her furiously and said "I'm not going in one of them, they're for old people!" She was about 85 at the time :lol:
 
hairynaker said:
My mam and dad are getting on now and it's' causing them issues, dad is less mobile (memory also on the slide and has fallen a few times) and so relies totally on mam. This means she doesn't get out much and it's causing a little resentment (although she is not saying that).

Tried talking to them about getting help but mam is saying they don't need any. Anyone been in this situation (not parents getting old but refusing support), any advice?
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I was in the situation where I ended up having to almost make decisions for my mam. Now that we’ve got her moved into a flat where other folk her own age are it’s like she has a new lease of life.

As an extra thing, Have a look at getting attendance allowance. I know it’s not what you asked, but it sounds like one or both of your parents would qualify for it. My neighbour gets it and said the citizens advice were very good at helping complete the form.
 
MackemBob said:
I was in the situation where I ended up having to almost make decisions for my mam. Now that we’ve got her moved into a flat where other folk her own age are it’s like she has a new lease of life.

As an extra thing, Have a look at getting attendance allowance. I know it’s not what you asked, but it sounds like one or both of your parents would qualify for it. My neighbour gets it and said the citizens advice were very good at helping complete the form.
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Yeah I think it would be great if they had them in her village but it's just bungalows. Going to get age concern out and see if they can help with getting wet room
 
hairynaker said:
My mam and dad are getting on now and it's' causing them issues, dad is less mobile (memory also on the slide and has fallen a few times) and so relies totally on mam. This means she doesn't get out much and it's causing a little resentment (although she is not saying that).

Tried talking to them about getting help but mam is saying they don't need any. Anyone been in this situation (not parents getting old but refusing support), any advice?
Click to expand...
IMO couples don't need help unless both are in a bad way (or one very ill, Cancer etc.), caring for a loved one is the core of life. A bit of respite for the "carer" should be enough & you (& siblings?) can provide that.

Skandhaless said:
wouldn't have a carer because " her next door is a carer and they are all fat and ugly ":oops::confused:.

2. Long and short of it (IMHO) is mate , they were once and still are competent adults , they have the right to chose their own destiny no matter how ill judged and no matter how it hurts and frustrates us to witness it .
This is the case until they actually lose capacity then we have to step in and try even then to do what they would have wanted .
We lose much as we get older , people, health , strength , even memories . We can at least keep independance in choice.
It's hard stuff mate and you will always do what you feel best , don't knock yourself for whatever that is .
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1. They do tend to be, mind.
2. Spot on.
 
becs said:
My Great Nana wanted to go to the Metrocentre when it opened. My Mam said she'd take her and hire a wheelchair. My Nana looked at her furiously and said "I'm not going in one of them, they're for old people!" She was about 85 at the time :lol:
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my mam had a bad stroke years ago and she couldn't walk.
me and the mrs were getting married a few months after it happened and i'm absolutely convinced that it was the fact that she wouldn't go into a church in a wheelchair that made her able to walk-albeit a bit unsteady-again.
some of the older generation are stronger and tougher than they really should be.

anyway, good luck to the op with it. there is an awful lot of help out there and i hope he finds some.
 
humbug said:
my mam had a bad stroke years ago and she couldn't walk.
me and the mrs were getting married a few months after it happened and i'm absolutely convinced that it was the fact that she wouldn't go into a church in a wheelchair that made her able to walk-albeit a bit unsteady-again.
some of the older generation are stronger and tougher than they really should be.

anyway, good luck to the op with it. there is an awful lot of help out there and i hope he finds some.
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Aww that's a class story. I bet there was lots of onion chopping going on when she walked in.

My Dad had a stroke and is paralysed down the left side. Three years ago, he was still in hospital and poorly as he'd caught an infection. I got an early morning call to say he was extremely poorly and they didn't think he was going to pull through. When Mam and me got there, the consultant said they'd put a DNR on him. He said if he did pull through, he'd never make it back home as he wished. He said he'd never get the strength in his back and hip so he'd never be able to sit up in a chair or wheelchair and his life was pretty much over.

He did pull through and got well enough to come home. He's done loads of physio work (paid for privately as the NHS think he's a lost cause but that's a whole new rant!) He can manage fine sitting in a chair or armchair and can stand with support. He can manage without a hoist now and can transfer between wheelchair and chair/bed using his good leg and arm and leaning on another person on his left side for support while he moves himself. He's got a pretty decent quality of life and they get out and about. I was just speaking to them on the phone and they've booked a night in a Travellodge as they've been invited to the christening of my cousins baby down in Yorkshire. That's a huge step but he feels quite happy about going.
 
My dad is still living in a 3 bedroom + loft conversion house on his own which is way too big for him to keep on top of on his own. Tried to talk him into selling up & getting something smaller but he won't have it.
He's already lost a large % of his hearing from working in a foundry without ear protection & his sight is going. I've caught him using my mams old glasses a few times when he hasn't heard me come in then he whips them off & swears blind he was just moving them. I've tried to get him to go & have his eyes tested but he reckons he get's them checked every year & he's still got perfect vision.
He had a fall & knocked himself out a couple of years back which seems like an isolated incident as far as I know but I'm worried about him.
 
Daydream Believer said:
My dad is still living in a 3 bedroom + loft conversion house on his own which is way too big for him to keep on top of on his own. Tried to talk him into selling up & getting something smaller but he won't have it.
He's already lost a large % of his hearing from working in a foundry without ear protection & his sight is going. I've caught him using my mams old glasses a few times when he hasn't heard me come in then he whips them off & swears blind he was just moving them. I've tried to get him to go & have his eyes tested but he reckons he get's them checked every year & he's still got perfect vision.
He had a fall & knocked himself out a couple of years back which seems like an isolated incident as far as I know but I'm worried about him.
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Would he consider sheltered housing? My Gran was rattling about in a three bed house and didn't like going out in the dark, so she was spending evenings alone. She also was ripped off twice by bogus workmen telling her she needed work doing on the house and they'd do it to save her asking family.

She moved into a sheltered accommodation flat and we played on the fact that she wouldn't get bogus people knocking on the door and there would be more social life for her there. There was a warden that kept an eye, but she was free to come and go as she pleased, cooked her own meals and all that just like living on her own. It meant when she wanted company, she could wander into one of the communal rooms or knock on someone else without having to go outside in the dark.
 
He won't consider moving regardless of where to. His mam was exactly the same. He's got mates he meets up with one night a week at the pub & plays golf with another bunch & comes to snooker with me & my brother once a week & apparently he's got a girlfriend so it's not like he's isolated.
 
Been in this situation, to the OP there is not a lot you can do other than try to get your mam to realise that the more help she accepts the longer she will be actively able to "do her bit". Otherwise she will burn out and her health will suffer. The result being enforced help or Care homes.

Also, do not under estimate the strain this situation will put on you and your family, evident I would have thought by you starting this thread! One of the challenges is getting this recognised without causing upset.

In addition consider (no, get) Lasting Powers of Attorneys for your parents and look in to protecting assets e.g. property.

What happens if you don't have a power of attorney | Age UK
 
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Daydream Believer said:
He won't consider moving regardless of where to. His mam was exactly the same. He's got mates he meets up with one night a week at the pub & plays golf with another bunch & comes to snooker with me & my brother once a week & apparently he's got a girlfriend so it's not like he's isolated.
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I'm guessing that it's more the size of the place and his difficulty (as seen by everyone else) in keeping it in a good state that's the worry, aside from the glasses. The latter just seems to be pride, regardless of age, and he's being a bit daft not going for a test. Above a certain age in particular, people should get into the habit of having their eyes tested every 2 years, regardless of what they see as their need. In all probability, he's got good eyes but has astigmatism so his eyes don't adjust quickly.
 

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