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Rather Amusing.....

Brian Sewell's player ratings

Foster 3/10
Brethren to Conan Doyle and Camus, his single-minded pursuit of goalscoring nothingness must surely put one in mind of Zen Buddhist monk-prince Badhidharma, whom I believe also turned out for Manchester United.

Jagielka 8/10
Has had to spend time both in Sheffield and Liverpool as part of his trade so my heart weeps for the boy.

Ferdinand 5/10
A devotee of practical jokes, I'm sure Mr Ferdinand would have appreciated the time I decanted a bottle of Rothschild '64 and told Francis Bacon it was the '62. Bacon punched me in the throat and we never spoke again.

Lescott 4/10
Looks rather like a Giacometti sculpture I won from Prince Philip in a game of Knave's Whoopsie. Slightly less mobile, though.

Gibbs 5/10
A chap called Gibbs used to sweep the library at the Courtald when I was a student. I remember he was fired after I accused him of stealing the Dali fork I later found down the back of a Queen Anne escritoire. I often wonder what became of him.

Walcott 7/10
I rather cared for the way he skimmed across the pitch like my grandfather's old Wolseley. One assumes somebody had just ordered drinks.

Henderson 2/10
Which one was he again? One isn't allowed to say this these days, but poor people all look the same to me.

Barry 2/10
A most dreadfully common name; one cannot enunciate it without envisaging some awful tradesman traipsing into view

Milner 3/10
Northern, so I'm led to believe. How unspeakable of him.

Gerrard 6/10
I much prefer Gerard Manley Hopkins, to be frank. Even if he was a priggish Victorian bore it's better that than a negligibly-foreheaded scowling guttersnipe.

Carroll 9/10
An Easter Island statue made flesh, with the pagan virility of Norse poetry and the muscular grace of a Stubbs painting. The lad also put himself about in the final third and will be well pleased with his debut.

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