End of Life Pathway

Bollotti said:
He has dementia, when I visited last year, he did not know who I was. It's a strange situation when the person you know left years ago, but the shell still carries on. If I was in the same situation, I would not have wanted to exist in a care home for the past couple of years. Looking at flights now, but the one thing holding me back is that he would not know who I was if I turned up.
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As someone unconnected, I’d say, Dont rush over mate.

You have memories, think about if the roles were reversed, would you want your son dropping everything and rushing to your side.

He’s in the best possible place. It sounds harsh but it’s unlikely you’ll be able to do or say anything by being here that will make a difference, he’ll be comforted by the staff around him.

That being said, go with your gut feel.

Are there other relatives who can go and visit?
 


Thanks to those for taking time to reply. He’s still hanging on. My mam and brother have been staying at the hospital, as he is on side ward. Not sure how I feel at the minute, as the person in the hospital is not the man I knew, he left a long time ago. I am sure I will feel it when he goes, but it will be more of a relief, as I know he would not have wanted to exist the way he has for the past couple of years and the indignity of the situation.
 
Sorry to hear you and your family are going through this.

I have gone through a similar situation, with regards to the dementia, recently, with one of my parents (though I do not live away from home).

On the assumption you can only come across once for a limited time, I would come over for the funeral and celebrate your dad's life then.
 
lurker said:
As someone unconnected, I’d say, Dont rush over mate.

You have memories, think about if the roles were reversed, would you want your son dropping everything and rushing to your side.

He’s in the best possible place. It sounds harsh but it’s unlikely you’ll be able to do or say anything by being here that will make a difference, he’ll be comforted by the staff around him.

That being said, go with your gut feel.

Are there other relatives who can go and visit?
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Good post.
 
cornish mackem said:
They are a different kind of nurse. Imagine going into work knowing that all of your patients are going to die soon and can’t be fixed
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Angels of Mercy, man. What strength they show. They do so much good in providing a dignified and pain free conclusion to a dreadful situation. It's a strange paradox, ending life rather than prolonging it, and probably not what they went into nursing to do, but relatives and friends can take some comfort in the effectiveness of their work.
To @Bollotti, if you can't get over, rest assured your Dad is in good hands with his loved ones around him, which is all any of us can hope for.
 
Bollotti said:
Issue is I now live in the US. From what I can gather from the hospital it looks likely to happen in the next day or so. Don't know whether to get a flight now or wait for the inevitable and fly over for funeral.
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This happened to me a few weeks ago. I missed my Mam by an hour. My advice would be to get on a flight right now.
 
AB22 Easy Tiger said:
This happened to me a few weeks ago. I missed my Mam by an hour. My advice would be to get on a flight right now.
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I think he’s made his peace with it mate, jumping on a flight isn’t an easy option for some people and the way his dad is I don’t think he’ll even know who he is if he is there.

He needs to be there to help his family after he passes with the funeral and be strong for them imho, but it’s not an easy decision to have to make.
 
My wife's uncle had a stroke on both sides of his brain and lasted a week I think. Her and her Mam were at the hospital virtually the entire time until he passed away.
It's an unknown when it's a situation like that. Not a situation I'd like to be in.
Be there with your family however you can.

Mrs K is a nurse and has said to me on more than one occasion that if someone goes, they might choose to go when relatives aren't there.
Choice seems like an odd word depending on their condition, but I know what she means. I'm not sure if it's a subconscious thing, or something else, but it happens more than you think.
A bit like a watched pot I suppose. Maybe they just want to go on their own terms, in their own time.

Safe to say you and your family are in the SMB's thoughts.
 
I couldn’t afford to fly over twice. Costs for flights alone for family are running around $5,000, so with inevitable extras, that would easily be another $1,000 or so. My mam said funerals are taking an average of 2-3 weeks to arrange at crematorium (not a nice subject to talk about, but you have to be practical). I could not take that length of time off work. Just sat waiting for the phone to go at the minute....
 
Bollotti said:
I couldn’t afford to fly over twice. Costs for flights alone for family are running around $5,000, so with inevitable extras, that would easily be another $1,000 or so. My mam said funerals are taking an average of 2-3 weeks to arrange at crematorium (not a nice subject to talk about, but you have to be practical). I could not take that length of time off work. Just sat waiting for the phone to go at the minute....
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I don't envy you. We've recently had a bereavement in the family, relative on my wife's side. Died mid April, funeral not until 14th May. I think you've called it right waiting until the funeral time to come over.
 
AB22 Easy Tiger said:
This happened to me a few weeks ago. I missed my Mam by an hour. My advice would be to get on a flight right now.
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Missed mine by about 35 minutes, had went back up to Glasgow at midnight and got a call the next morning at 5:40, was dressed and in the car in 5 mins and flew down to Dumfries.
I'd had a chance to say goodbye the night before, but still. My old man went back into the room with me and he shook her hand as if he could just wake her up.

Bollotti said:
I couldn’t afford to fly over twice. Costs for flights alone for family are running around $5,000, so with inevitable extras, that would easily be another $1,000 or so. My mam said funerals are taking an average of 2-3 weeks to arrange at crematorium (not a nice subject to talk about, but you have to be practical). I could not take that length of time off work. Just sat waiting for the phone to go at the minute....
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Yeah, if he was able to speak to you himself he'd tell you to take your time. You're going to be more use to your Mam afterwards, loads of little bits to help her with.
 
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cornish mackem said:
It sounds like you would be going for you and not him as he’s not aware you are there anyway . That’s ok mind as you are feeling it
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I agree but when my mum died a few months ago (dementia) my sister went on holiday when we knew she was on the final straight. She will never be able to have the feeling that I have that she was there for me at the start of my life and I was able to be there at the end of hers.

I do think that will be much more beneficial for all if he came for the funeral.
 
taff said:
I agree but when my mum died a few months ago (dementia) my sister went on holiday when we knew she was on the final straight. She will never be able to have the feeling that I have that she was there for me at the start of my life and I was able to be there at the end of hers.

I do think that will be much more beneficial for all if he came for the funeral.
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That’s for your mind and not your mams though especially with dementia where they have no idea who is there or not, which is the point I made.
 
taff said:
I agree but when my mum died a few months ago (dementia) my sister went on holiday when we knew she was on the final straight. She will never be able to have the feeling that I have that she was there for me at the start of my life and I was able to be there at the end of hers.

I do think that will be much more beneficial for all if he came for the funeral.
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Your sister made the right choice , as did you .

All of us have a different view on how to deal someone they love passing away, nobody is right or wrong.
 

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