Disposing of your parents' stuff

We're in the middle of this too. My Mam passed last October and I just got the probate through. The house isn't an issue as my sister will have it, but it's the little things that break your heart. Photos and momentoes are hard, but I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor holding a puddin' tin she had made countless 'Yorkshires' in. It was so symbolic of her love for all of us, I was in bits. This is part of the process though, and letting go of the things is part of letting go of the person. Take your time and allow your memories free reign is my advice.
 


That sounds tough. Haven’t had to do it yet, but at some point it’ll be my turn.

My Nana had cupboards chock full of stuff. When she died, my mam and auntie were dreading clearing the house, but when they opened the cupboards, there was a lot less than they’d remembered. Turns out she’d been gradually getting rid of stuff she didn’t need as she approached the end. The photos and a few sentimental things were left. It made it a lot easier for mam and my auntie.

As I look at it, the person who has died isn’t really gone until all the people who knew them have gone, and all the people who know stories that involve the deceased have gone too.

Hope everything goes as well as it can for you.
 
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People don't tend to do ornaments, or collect things anymore.
My Mam's house is full of all kinds of cabinets and trinkets and ornaments. The cabinets are chocker with records and CDs, photo albums and VHS tapes - things that I don't really have, save for a couple boxes of CDs in the garage (they need to go!).
We don't have any ornaments up in ours.
I've scanned copies of the majority of her/their photos which is a start.
The garage at hers is full of tools, but they were gained by my Dad over a period when people tended to do a lot more fixing of things themselves.

I'm hoping I'll just leave digital photos for my kids to sift through and not a great deal else in terms of possessions, just furniture really.

When we cleared the MIL's house most of it went to charity. It was council rented so only had a couple of days leeway and we simply didn't have the space.

I know someone who lost quite a bit in the Shurguard Croydon fire, including stuff belonging to their deceased mam. They'd just never got round to sorting it.
 
Had to do this with the in-laws, wife brought bags of stuff and put them in the garage , it took 2 years and the brother in law to sort it out. She had lots of tears but it had to be done, we're 60 but are sorting out stuff loads of old photos scanned the ones we wanted to keep, getting rid of a lot of stuff we have got over 44 years of marriage, to charity or the clothes shop, as we have no kids it all would just go in the bin. My mothers 88 and each time I see her she tells me we're the bank books act are , and she has told me she wants a humanist funeral.
 
Patch said:
My mam died a couple of years back and my dad is now in a home so we're clearing out the house. Some of the stuff, I've put on eBay or gumtree... stuff that none of us wanted.

However, the whole process seems so f***ing tawdry and I'm in bits here. To think that I'm selling stuff my mam loved just feels so wrong but the alternative would be to just let someone else do it and take the money.

I'd thought of spending the money on a big family meal on her birthday but that just seems frivolous when I think about it. I think it will have to go to charity as that's what she would want.

I know I'm soft as shite but others must have felt this way too... right?
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Sorry to hear about this mate. We’ve also got it to come shortly. My only advice would be, do what you feel is the right thing and in agreement as a family if you can. Your folks would be proud of you
 
Me fatha's paper work is just sitting in the dining room in a big bag. Be two years in Aril, cant bear to look at it.

Just stupid bloody stuff like gas bills and hospital appointment letters but I'll be in f***ing bits so it can stay there for me.
 
Willincity said:
Both wife and I are a only months from out 70th birthdays both in full time employment and thankfully relatively fit and well.

We bought our home in 1976 and raised 4 children in the same house, they are all frequent visitors with their husbands/wife's and 8 grandchildren.
A couple of home extensions over the years means we are "just" able to accommodate the lot of them which 7 days over X'mas proved, believe me it was terrific fun for all of us.
Back on topic:
Oddly enough we spoke of this matter in some detail and the "what to do with" etc.
Its no good been morbid about it as we know the inevitable is going to happen and have taken a pragmatic point of view.
We agreed it has to be a giant leap for us all, but we see the need to remove the weight the emotional strain of the situation.
It was considered there is no real need for our stuff to remind us of "parents" as there are traces of us everywhere: in the way we act, in the way we treat others, even in the way we smile.
There is stuff in the attic that has been sealed up for years and in truth when will we open them again just to say "do you remember this teddy"?​
I (we) are not about "stuff" ; we must be valued more than our possessions. Memories are within us, not our things.

It is a dilemma for sure and a horrid thing to face up to but probably its best to hold on to the memoires and cherish what you need to.
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Fantastic post
 
Sorry for your loss mate. Imo you've just go to let a load go. Give everything to charity you can, sell anything of value you don't want, and chuck the rest. Keep a couple of small items.

Your memories don't die, they'll live on. You don't need to carry tons of clutter for sentimental reasons. It helps with the moving on process.

I had to do it when my dad died. It was bloody hard but in the long run I'm glad I did it. You'll end up feeling obliged to carry boxes of old stuff around with you forever if you don't make that decision now.
 
Johnap said:
I know what you mean. My wife died 6 months ago and her clothes, jewellery etc are still with me. We talked and said we would do it all together when we were ready. Not looking forward to it.
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God bless you marra, you’re obviously a very strong person.
 
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a1970man said:
I cleared my wifes parents house a couple of years ago, after about 2 hours her and her sister hadn't chucked or decided on anything, they were just reminiscing about old glass fish and wooden bowls.
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That's what makes it so hard - all the memories that go with items that make them worth so much more than they're really worth.

I've got a little ornament of a bowl of flowers on the shelf in my bedroom. When I was a teen, my Great-Nana told me the story of how she got it. When she passed as I asked if I could have it as I loved the story as it was so typically her. She died when I was 17 so none of my children knew her. Probably when I go, it'll just get thought of as a cheap naff ornament (which it is really!) and it'll get chucked out or charity shopped.
 
Makem57 said:
Had to do this with the in-laws, wife brought bags of stuff and put them in the garage , it took 2 years and the brother in law to sort it out. She had lots of tears but it had to be done, we're 60 but are sorting out stuff loads of old photos scanned the ones we wanted to keep, getting rid of a lot of stuff we have got over 44 years of marriage, to charity or the clothes shop, as we have no kids it all would just go in the bin. My mothers 88 and each time I see her she tells me we're the bank books act are , and she has told me she wants a humanist funeral.
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Mine was the same, made sure I knew exactly who to contact, where the paperwork was, she'd arranged her own funeral up front.
Dad had a bit of a clear out of most of her effects, few pieces of jewellery were redistributed to a couple of people, but that's about it.
 
Patch said:
My mam died a couple of years back and my dad is now in a home so we're clearing out the house. Some of the stuff, I've put on eBay or gumtree... stuff that none of us wanted.

However, the whole process seems so f***ing tawdry and I'm in bits here. To think that I'm selling stuff my mam loved just feels so wrong but the alternative would be to just let someone else do it and take the money.

I'd thought of spending the money on a big family meal on her birthday but that just seems frivolous when I think about it. I think it will have to go to charity as that's what she would want.

I know I'm soft as shite but others must have felt this way too... right?
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My mum and auntie were meant to sell all the porcelain and dolls (worth a bit) in my grandparents house after my grandad died. They have done nothing and only just got round to finalising the sale of the house to my auntie years later (sorted a few months ago). I think the house was only valued around £35000 too.

Your position is understandable. I would spend some of the money on your family though and to charity also if you think that's what she would have wanted.
 
Firstly, a little background for the purposes of understanding this post: My mother apparently recollects ancient songs by 'dreaming' them. She's always had a predilection for launching into song at every family gathering and singing all 15 verses of whatever song from her childhood she remembers in the middle of a family gathering or visit. But now she's told me that she 'dreams' the songs, realises she's remembering something that she hasn't heard for 75 years, wakes up, writes it down and, at the first available opportunity sings the whole thing to me and the missus or anybody else that'll listen. If we aren't visiting her soon she'll wait till I ring her and sing it down the telephone at me.

So; My eldest brother insisted on involving our parents in his social history projects. He's done audio tapes of all our older relatives - now gone - talking about their working lives and childhoods in NW County Durham and put them on the internet somewhere; alongside whatever musical project he was promoting at the time. He did the same with my Dad. There's no way I'm listening to my Dads voice 6 years after he died.

Anyway. He recently e-mailed me a link to Mam singing a song called 'Two Eyes of Blue'. The lyric to the song - probably an old Irish ballad - quickly established that the wobble in Mam's voice wasn't just cost she's 87. She was singing about missing my Dad. There's something in my eye as I type.

How the fuck am I gonna get through the funeral - when she eventually pops off when she's 112? Coz I just know my sod of a brother is gonna play the recording there. Bastard.
 
It must be absolutely horrible and no idea where I'd even start with my folks stuff. Their house and loft are full of stuff going back to when we were kids .

As an aside, on facebook last week a lass I know posted her mam had died during the night. Literally the next day they were putting all her stuff on facebook selling sites, clothes, furniture, kitchen things. Poor woman wasn't even cold. My mam said maybe she was in rented accommodation and they had to clear it quickly but how awful is that. Surely landlords would give a bit of time??
 
Been there done that, it's got to be done fella, just grasp the nettle.
As already said, you got your memories....remember them with a smile.;)
 
Ginger John said:
Sorry to hear that mate. It's a tough thing to do and I'm dreading it. Sending the stuff to a charity she liked is a good thing to do. If you think she would have liked that and you are happy with that, then do it.

Is there anything from the 50's? Beamish were collecting for the new 1950's village. My great-Nana did a lot of sewing. We sent her sewing machine, patterns and other associated stuff and they were pleased with it. I'm looking forward to going and visiting her things when it opens. She loved Beamish and I think she'd like that.

We've got stuff from my grandparents houses that we couldn't chuck out. There's several boxes of photographs in a cupboard at my parents. We haven't got a clue who some of the people are in the pictures but it didn't seem right throwing them in the bin.
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My Mother’s piano is in Home Farm at Beamish, one of several pieces of her life donated and we still feel part of !
 
I’ve got this to come yet. My mam and dad have added me to their house deeds, so when they gone I’ll have to figure out what to do with their stuff. My mam’s not so bad, but my dad is a bit of a hoarder. He has a collection of “On The Road” car books dating back to the late 1970s, early 1980s - it will feel a little bit weird chucking them out.

And then there is all his fishing gear, some of the rods he has since before me and my brother came along, and that’s nearing 50 years. When the time comes I’ll discuss with my brother what to do with those. We both never been into fishing, so that stuff will have give us a puzzle.

One thing I don’t feel right about giving away is his first electric razor that he’s had since he was 17! So that bit of kit is about 60 years old.

I have said to them both that I’ll be hiring a skip for the majority of the stuff... think I might need two!
 
George Kaplan said:
Firstly, a little background for the purposes of understanding this post: My mother apparently recollects ancient songs by 'dreaming' them. She's always had a predilection for launching into song at every family gathering and singing all 15 verses of whatever song from her childhood she remembers in the middle of a family gathering or visit. But now she's told me that she 'dreams' the songs, realises she's remembering something that she hasn't heard for 75 years, wakes up, writes it down and, at the first available opportunity sings the whole thing to me and the missus or anybody else that'll listen. If we aren't visiting her soon she'll wait till I ring her and sing it down the telephone at me.

So; My eldest brother insisted on involving our parents in his social history projects. He's done audio tapes of all our older relatives - now gone - talking about their working lives and childhoods in NW County Durham and put them on the internet somewhere; alongside whatever musical project he was promoting at the time. He did the same with my Dad. There's no way I'm listening to my Dads voice 6 years after he died.

Anyway. He recently e-mailed me a link to Mam singing a song called 'Two Eyes of Blue'. The lyric to the song - probably an old Irish ballad - quickly established that the wobble in Mam's voice wasn't just cost she's 87. She was singing about missing my Dad. There's something in my eye as I type.

How the fuck am I gonna get through the funeral - when she eventually pops off when she's 112? Coz I just know my sod of a brother is gonna play the recording there. Bastard.
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I have mentioned this before but I found an old tape recording of my Dad talking to the budgie from the seventies. I took it around to a family gathering last year and as my bil still has a tape recorder we played it. Yes, I was teery but it had us all laughing as he was getting more and more irritated with said budgie for not responding. Wonderful memories.

I also can't throw out a videotape of my Mam singing at a party with her sisters - all good singers - great to hear their voices again. But yes, emotional.
 

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