Depression

Had a really up and down few days. which has ended up with me today drinking again.

spoke to the metal health team and was told its 56 weeks before I will get to speak to someone, really don't know how I can hang on that long, thought I was close to the front of the queue after waitng 16 weeks already, was a real kicj in the nuts to be honest so got pissed, really not sure wha to do now, Christ really soory but don't have any one to talk too
Sounds to me like you have had a wobble that's all and you should be proud of the days where you haven't drunk. Chin up fella, small steps!
 


It have been my Dads 75th birthday today. He was my father, my friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on. I was 29 when I lost him, life has never been the same since. Today has felt harder than usual.
The sadness and grief of losing a loved one, never truly goes away, and while we'll never forget those who are no longer with us, it honestly does get easier to deal with, and to come to terms with, in time, and the pain does lessen.
Sadly, birthdays, anniversaries, and other significant dates, as well as certain smells, and pictures, acutely reminds us, of the loved ones we're missing in our lives, and brings it all back to us.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.
Take care, mate.

I posted this for Becs, when she was struggling with the loss of her Dad.

I hope it helps you.


When you remember me,
Please do not weep.
My body may not be there.
It has chosen to sleep.

I'm never far away.
My soul lives on,
Looking down, watching over you, and everyone.

And when you feel sad
And life seems so blue,
My spirit will be with you, with my arms around you.

And on those special days,
Times you wish I could see,
That cool breeze flowing past you . . . well, that will be me,

So don't be sad.
Have no fear.
God has taken me under his wing,
But I'll always be near.

I still watch over you
Every minute, every day.
My love and soul are with you,
And that's where they'll stay.
 
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It would have been my Dads 75th birthday today. He was my father, my friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on. I was 29 when I lost him, my life has never been the same since. My mum followed him 11 months later. Today has felt like a much harder day than usual.
I literally feel your pain marra. I lost my Dad a few weeks ago. I spent my whole life trying to make sure he didn't forget me and my sister after he got divorced when I was 7.it didn't count for much when he left everything to my half brother in his will and appointed me the executor.

Despite all of that I loved him deeply and console myself with the thought that he'd want me to be happy and not morbid or sad.
 
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I literally feel your pain marra. I lost my Dad a few weeks ago. I spent my whle life trying to make sure he didn't forget me and my sister after he got divorced when I was 7.it didn't count for much when he left everything to my half brother in his will and appointed me the executor.

Despite all of that I loved him deeply and console myself with the thought that he'd want me to be happy and not morbid or sad.
So sorry for your loss, and at the sadness & grief you'll be feeling.
There's no set time, for someone to stop grieving for a loved one, but things do generally get easier in time.
Maybe some things were left unsaid, if so, tell your Dad how you're feeling.

It's not for everybody, but I talk to my Dad.
I tell him of the Sunderland game I was at, and tell him about day to day stuff, as if he was still around.
I believe a person only truly dies, once that person is forgotten about, so I talk to my Dad, even though we never always seen eye to eye, we still loved each other, and I find that talking to him each day, helps me, and it keeps his memory alive.

Take care mate.
 
So sorry for your loss, and at the sadness & grief you'll be feeling.
There's no set time, for someone to stop grieving for a loved one, but things do generally get easier in time.
Maybe some things were left unsaid, if so, tell your Dad how you're feeling.

It's not for everybody, but I talk to my Dad.
I tell him of the Sunderland game I was at, and tell him about day to day stuff, as if he was still around.
I believe a person only truly dies, once that person is forgotten about, so I talk to my Dad, even though we never always seen eye to eye, we still loved each other, and I find that talking to him each day, helps me, and it keeps his memory alive.

Take care mate.
It's a bugger on a Sunday like as he rang me at 8pm every week as I live in York and he was in the North East. That first week after he died I posted the conversation that I would have had on bell end book just to get it out of my system. He never got to see the lads sort their shit out with a win, which is a shame as our conversations were getting quite depressing talking the latest low point in Sunderland's history
 
It's a bugger on a Sunday like as he rang me at 8pm every week as I live in York and he was in the North East. That first week after he died I posted the conversation that I would have had on bell end book just to get it out of my system. He never got to see the lads sort their shit out with a win, which is a shame as our conversations were getting quite depressing talking the latest low point in Sunderland's history
That's really sad, and you'll undoubtedly miss those phone calls.
You can take some comfort in knowing he'll have known, you loved him, and he never forgot about you, and he'll have loved you also.
Writing down stuff, or posting your thoughts and feelings, is a good way of dealing with setbacks/grief/sadness, so if ever you feel like posting and want advice or guidance on what you're feeling or going through, just let it out.
He didn't get to see the Lads sorting themselves out on the pitch, but you can tell him, like I tell my Dad stuff about the game.
Just because he's out of sight, doesn't mean he's out of mind.
There will be brighter days ahead for you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
 
That's really sad, and you'll undoubtedly miss those phone calls.
You can take some comfort in knowing he'll have known, you loved him, and he never forgot about you, and he'll have loved you also.
Writing down stuff, or posting your thoughts and feelings, is a good way of dealing with setbacks/grief/sadness, so if ever you feel like posting and want advice or guidance on what you're feeling or going through, just let it out.
He didn't get to see the Lads sorting themselves out on the pitch, but you can tell him, like I tell my Dad stuff about the game.
Just because he's out of sight, doesn't mean he's out of mind.
There will be brighter days ahead for you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
Kind advice thanks.
 
It would have been my Dads 75th birthday today. He was my father, my friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on. I was 29 when I lost him, my life has never been the same since. My mum followed him 11 months later. Today has felt like a much harder day than usual.

Thinking of you mate. It is hard and I still miss my Dad a lot.
It's not for everybody, but I talk to my Dad.
I tell him of the Sunderland game I was at, and tell him about day to day stuff, as if he was still around.
I believe a person only truly dies, once that person is forgotten about, so I talk to my Dad, even though we never always seen eye to eye, we still loved each other, and I find that talking to him each day, helps me, and it keeps his memory alive.

Take care mate.

My Mam has a large picture of my Dad on a cabinet in the sitting room. It's one that captures the smile he had that literally lit up his face. We had it next to the flowers at the front of the Church at his funeral. I haven't been able to look at the picture since he died. I managed to have a good look at it this evening and said a couple of words.

I saw them snowdrops I was telling you about for the first time this year today too. Dunno if the two things are linked but for some reason I felt a bit stronger when I saw them as if life is moving on and I have to as well.
 
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Thinking of you mate. It is hard and I still miss my Dad a lot.

Thanks @becs I’m usually quite pragmatic about these things as much as I can be. Deep down I’m always more great full for the time I had, than the time I didn’t have with him, but today got to me more than usual.
 
Thinking of you mate. It is hard and I still miss my Dad a lot.


My Mam has a large picture of my Dad on a cabinet in the sitting room. It's one that captures the smile he had that literally lit up his face. We had it next to the flowers at the front of the Church at his funeral. I haven't been able to look at the picture since he died. I managed to have a good look at it this evening and said a couple of words.

I saw them snowdrops I was telling you about for the first time this year today too. Dunno if the two things are linked but for some reason I felt a bit stronger when I saw them as if life is moving on and I have to as well.
That's very similar to my Dad's photo.
I was usually at work, when he'd call at mine and do odd jobs that needed doing, just to keep himself busy.
He'd been repairing my shed roof, and as I had the weekend off, it was only right I gave him a hand.
We did a cracking job, and spent some all too rare, quality Dad/son time, working together.
When we'd finished, I grabbed my camera and took a photo, just as he looked up.
It's the best photo I ever took, his smile is one of pride and happiness, and was completely natural and not posed for.
He still had spots of bitumen on his face. 😊
The photo takes pride of place in my house, as well as in my Ma's and brothers houses, and it was the photo we used at his funeral service.

I'm glad you were able to look at your Dad's picture, as it's a sign of acceptance, and a sign that you are moving forward.
I'm chuffed you seen the beautiful snowdrops too, and it's good that you felt emotionally stronger too.
I know what you've been through, with the loss of your Dad, especially as you shared that special Dad/ daughter bond, which will never be broken.
He'll always be a part of you, and will always be looking out for you, and your family.
 
The sadness and grief of losing a loved one, never truly goes away, and while we'll never forget those who are no longer with us, it honestly does get easier to deal with, and to come to terms with, in time, and the pain does lessen.
Sadly, birthdays, anniversaries, and other significant dates, as well as certain smells, and pictures, acutely reminds us, of the loved ones we're missing in our lives, and brings it all back to us.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.
Take care, mate.

I posted this for Becs, when she was struggling with the loss of her Dad.

I hope it helps you.


When you remember me,
Please do not weep.
My body may not be there.
It has chosen to sleep.

I'm never far away.
My soul lives on,
Looking down, watching over you, and everyone.

And when you feel sad
And life seems so blue,
My spirit will be with you, with my arms around you.

And on those special days,
Times you wish I could see,
That cool breeze flowing past you . . . well, that will be me,

So don't be sad.
Have no fear.
God has taken me under his wing,
But I'll always be near.

I still watch over you
Every minute, every day.
My love and soul are with you,
And that's where they'll stay.
I`ve been browsing through a few of the posts on here and came across yours. I lost my Mum 3 weeks ago and it`s been really tough to deal with. She`d battled with breast cancer 3 years ago. In October her MRI scan came back clear. In early November she was admitted for a heart operation which was delayed a couple of weeks as she had a chest infection. At the start of December she was transferred to James Cook in Middlesbrough for the operation but on her second night there we got a midnight call from the hospital. We got the end of life talk from the doctor and it didn`t look like she would make it but she did. We stayed with her for 14 hours until she had stabilised. She desperately needed the heart operation but she needed fluid draining off her lungs and had to be able to lie flat for 3 hours. We were told her heart could go at any moment. We clung on hoping she`d be OK for the operation later in the week. It was hugely risky for someone in her condition but she did it and came through it. We were elated. She stayed at James Cook for a while. It was a 3 hour round trip to see her pretty much every night and eventually she was moved back to Durham for a week or so for observation. Even when she was in hospital, she never complained. She was more concerned about me. I`m a Type 1 diabetic and she`d always ask if I`d had my tea before I came to visit. That`s the type of person she was. Always thinking about other people.

She came out of hospital the week before Christmas and had Christmas and her birthday at home with her little dog. She was due to come to mine for New year`s Day tea but took ill on New Year`s Eve and was in A&E for 8 hours, but thankfully in a bed most of the time, not in those awful plastic chairs. She had pneumonia and was on a nebulizer, steroids and antibiotics. She made great progress and on the Thursday after New Year was told she could go home on Monday. She gave me her shopping list and we were all set. She had a step back on the Friday but nothing to really concern us or the doctors. She`d had plenty of two steps forwards and one step back moments over the previous years. I said goodbye on Friday fully expecting to be in visiting on Saturday but we got a call for the hospital asking us to come in quickly. She had seen off set backs before and I fully expected this to be another of those and thought I`d be going in and talking to her. I was stunned to find out that she`d passed away suddenly.

She`d been through all of that and I truly thought she`d been given a new lease of life after her heart operation only for her to be taken so soon afterwards. I`m absolutely devastated. I still can`t believe she`s gone. I thought I`d get some closure last week with her funeral but it`s been just as hard since then.

I know time will make the pain less intense but as you say it`s little things that trigger feelings again. She bought me a book last year that she`d seen reviewed and knew I`d love it. She knows how much I love history and am reading about WWII in chronological order. 2020 is going to be about Blitzkrieg, Dunkirk and the Battle of Britain. She bought me First Light about a fighter pilot. I was due to start it in early January and told her I was only a few pages away with my last book before I`d be starting it. I have started it now but I can`t tell her how much I`m enjoying the book that she bought and it`s just little things like that that I can`t do. I know I`ll look back with great happiness for the time we had and I know I had a great Mum but it`s bloody hard at the moment.

I wasn`t going to post anything here about it and was just going to deal with it with my family and friends but I just thought your post really stood out. Thank you.
 
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I know time will make the pain less intense but as you say it`s little things that trigger feelings again. She bought me a book last year that she`d seen reviewed and knew I`d love it. She knows how much I love history and am reading about WWII in chronological order. 2020 is going to be about Blitzkrieg, Dunkirk and the Battle of Britain. She bought me First Light about a fighter pilot. I was due to start it in early January and told her I was only a few pages away with my last book before I`d be starting it. I have started it now but I can`t tell her how much I`m enjoying the book that she bought and it`s just little things like that that I can`t do. I know I`ll look back with great happiness for the time we had and I know I had a great Mum but it`s bloody hard at the moment.

I wasn`t going to post anything here about it and was just going to deal with it with my family and friends but I just thought your post really stood out. Thank you.

Similar with my Dad. He was in hospital for a water infection. He'd been quite poorly but was getting better from that and they were talking about discharging him. He seemed full of beans and back to normal. I went in one afternoon and I could tell he was seriously ill. He'd picked up pneumonia. He passed away early the following morning.

The football was our thing. So many times I've wanted to pop in for a chat about the footy and I can't or I've been close to tears at the match as he's popped into my head. It's taken a long time but it does get easier as time goes by. The first Christmas was a big thing, but we got through that and still had a nice time. You'll never totally forget her but I promise it will get easier in time. Keep plodding on mate xx
 
Had a canny day today, I always feel a lot better when I lay off the drink. I'm back on it now though as not back in work till Friday. The doctor did warn me that having a skinful of drink would make the anti depressant not work. Its true.
 
I`ve been browsing through a few of the posts on here and came across yours. I lost my Mum 3 weeks ago and it`s been really tough to deal with. She`d battled with breast cancer 3 years ago. In October her MRI scan came back clear. In early November she was admitted for a heart operation which was delayed a couple of weeks as she had a chest infection. At the start of December she was transferred to James Cook in Middlesbrough for the operation but on her second night there we got a midnight call from the hospital. We got the end of life talk from the doctor and it didn`t look like she would make it but she did. We stayed with her for 14 hours until she had stabilised. She desperately needed the heart operation but she needed fluid draining off her lungs and had to be able to lie flat for 3 hours. We were told her heart could go at any moment. We clung on hoping she`d be OK for the operation later in the week. It was hugely risky for someone in her condition but she did it and came through it. We were elated. She stayed at James Cook for a while. It was a 3 hour round trip to see her pretty much every night and eventually she was moved back to Durham for a week or so for observation. Even when she was in hospital, she never complained. She was more concerned about me. I`m a Type 1 diabetic and she`d always ask if I`d had my tea before I came to visit. That`s the type of person she was. Always thinking about other people.

She came out of hospital the week before Christmas and had Christmas and her birthday at home with her little dog. She was due to come to mine for New year`s Day tea but took ill on New Year`s Eve and was in A&E for 8 hours, but thankfully in a bed most of the time, not in those awful plastic chairs. She had pneumonia and was on a nebulizer, steroids and antibiotics. She made great progress and on the Thursday after New Year was told she could go home on Monday. She gave me her shopping list and we were all set. She had a step back on the Friday but nothing to really concern us or the doctors. She`d had plenty of two steps forwards and one step back moments over the previous years. I said goodbye on Friday fully expecting to be in visiting on Saturday but we got a call for the hospital asking us to come in quickly. She had seen off set backs before and I fully expected this to be another of those and thought I`d be going in and talking to her. I was stunned to find out that she`d passed away suddenly.

She`d been through all of that and I truly thought she`d been given a new lease of life after her heart operation only for her to be taken so soon afterwards. I`m absolutely devastated. I still can`t believe she`s gone. I thought I`d get some closure last week with her funeral but it`s been just as hard since then.

I know time will make the pain less intense but as you say it`s little things that trigger feelings again. She bought me a book last year that she`d seen reviewed and knew I`d love it. She knows how much I love history and am reading about WWII in chronological order. 2020 is going to be about Blitzkrieg, Dunkirk and the Battle of Britain. She bought me First Light about a fighter pilot. I was due to start it in early January and told her I was only a few pages away with my last book before I`d be starting it. I have started it now but I can`t tell her how much I`m enjoying the book that she bought and it`s just little things like that that I can`t do. I know I`ll look back with great happiness for the time we had and I know I had a great Mum but it`s bloody hard at the moment.

I wasn`t going to post anything here about it and was just going to deal with it with my family and friends but I just thought your post really stood out. Thank you.
I'm in bits reading this, and am so sorry for your loss.
Just reading your post, it's obvious how special your Mam was to you.
She was one brave lady, who put up a heck of a brave fight to the end, and even when she was hospitalised, she wasn't feeling sorry for herself, she was thinking of you, and checking you'd had your tea, before you set off to visit her.
She sounds like a lovely lady and a very special person, a selfless, caring Mam, only wanting what was best for you.
I'm sorry too, that you didn't get to spend time with her, during her last minutes of life - I also got there too late for my Dad's last minutes, and he went suddenly, but peacefully, surrounded by hospital staff, who assured me, he wasn't alone when he passed, and I'm sure your Mam won't have been alone either, so please try not to feel guilty about not being there at the end.

Read that book and talk and tell her how much you enjoyed it.
Tell her of your day, (it's ok to cry, and feel frustrated, as death leaves us with many unanswered questions)
Tell her the things you wanted to tell her, but never got round to doing.
Tell her how proud you are of her, and how grateful you are to your Mam, for all that she was, and all that she did for you, tell her you love her and miss her.
Grief and the heartache doesn't end with the funeral of a loved one, it takes time for those left behind, to heal, and there's no set time for grieving.
You'll always miss your Mam, but the pain and devastation you're feeling now, will eventually subside, and you'll eventually start to move forward.
As I mentioned before, I and others, believe a person only truly dies, when they're forgotten about, so keep your Mam in your thoughts and help to keep her memory alive, by talking to her and about her.
Your Mam will be at peace now, though she'll always be with you, and looking out for you, from above, even though you won't see her, you might someday suddenly get a waft of her perfume.
It'll be her way of letting you know, she's watching over you.

If you have brothers, sisters or friends, talk to them about how you're feeling, but don't bottle your feelings up, because that won't help you.
Talk to us on here if you want to, and hopefully you'll find peace and comfort.

My mam is my best friend, and she's not getting any younger, and I'm dreading the time, when I eventually have to say goodbye to her.

Thank you for your kind words, and I hope I and other posters on here, have been helpful to you.

God Bless you and take care.
 
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Had a canny day today, I always feel a lot better when I lay off the drink. I'm back on it now though as not back in work till Friday. The doctor did warn me that having a skinful of drink would make the anti depressant not work. Its true.

Went cold turkey from Venlafaxine a couple of months ago as I felt nothing at all.
(Granted, it’s saved me in the past)
Just existing.
At least with drink you have the extreme rollercoaster of ups & downs & feeling alive.
Even if the ups are great & the downs turn inwards towards genuine suicidal ideation.

As for losing a loved one.
Me mam was diagnosed with a brain tumour in June 2010.
Passed away 6 weeks later.
As my only parent I guess in many ways she was the most important human being in my life & always will be.
It’s an absolutely crushing blow that you simply have to learn to live with but I doubt I’ll ever fully get over the loss.
Life is truly hard to carry on at times.
 
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I still feel like a selfish fraud every time I post on here, but there's something cathartic about it - plus, its somewhat become my log that I can refer back to for timings etc.

5 weeks off the fluoxetine now. Glad to say I've noticed a big improvement in the horrible dizziness I was getting from turning around, standing up. I still get a little if I'm really tired, and really bouncing from place to place (like tidying up a billion kids toys).
I'm really really pleased that this is showing signs over being over. It was bloody horrible.

I have noticed something though. My tolerance for putting up with bollocks seems to have fell away. I've caught myself snapping at people who are talking shite. Perhaps that's the real me and the drugs were making me a passive robot? I know that I don't want to be the latter. So fuck it, if I've become a miserable, pedantic middle-aged man, so be f***ing it :lol:

Today is weird though. I feel like I have the shakes. Like I'm right on edge. As if the fight or flight response is kicking in. Very strange. I am very tired though (poorly little boy - he's got an ear infection - so I've not been sleeping too well). Maybe its just that plus the tailend of the withdrawal?

Hey Becs, I do love hearing you talk about your dad. I know its a sad-happiness, but it makes me remember to appreciate my folks all the more.
 
I still feel like a selfish fraud every time I post on here, but there's something cathartic about it - plus, its somewhat become my log that I can refer back to for timings etc.

5 weeks off the fluoxetine now. Glad to say I've noticed a big improvement in the horrible dizziness I was getting from turning around, standing up. I still get a little if I'm really tired, and really bouncing from place to place (like tidying up a billion kids toys).
I'm really really pleased that this is showing signs over being over. It was bloody horrible.

I have noticed something though. My tolerance for putting up with bollocks seems to have fell away. I've caught myself snapping at people who are talking shite. Perhaps that's the real me and the drugs were making me a passive robot? I know that I don't want to be the latter. So fuck it, if I've become a miserable, pedantic middle-aged man, so be f***ing it :lol:

Today is weird though. I feel like I have the shakes. Like I'm right on edge. As if the fight or flight response is kicking in. Very strange. I am very tired though (poorly little boy - he's got an ear infection - so I've not been sleeping too well). Maybe its just that plus the tailend of the withdrawal?

Hey Becs, I do love hearing you talk about your dad. I know its a sad-happiness, but it makes me remember to appreciate my folks all the more.

Thanks. I could talk for ages about him. He was a very special man 😍

Never feel a fraud for posting here man! Post whatever you like if it's helping you.

Pleased the withdrawal symptoms are going and today is probably just lack of sleep. Hope the bairn gets better soon. Nowt wrong with having less tolerance. I think I need to do that to be honest :lol:
 
I'm in bits reading this, and am so sorry for your loss.
Just reading your post, it's obvious how special your Mam was to you.
She was one brave lady, who put up a heck of a brave fight to the end, and even when she was hospitalised, she wasn't feeling sorry for herself, she was thinking of you, and checking you'd had your tea, before you set off to visit her.
She sounds like a lovely lady and a very special person, a selfless, caring Mam, only wanting what was best for you.
I'm sorry too, that you didn't get to spend time with her, during her last minutes of life - I also got there too late for my Dad's last minutes, and he went suddenly, but peacefully, surrounded by hospital staff, who assured me, he wasn't alone when he passed, and I'm sure your Mam won't have been alone either, so please try not to feel guilty about not being there at the end.

Read that book and talk and tell her how much you enjoyed it.
Tell her of your day, (it's ok to cry, and feel frustrated, as death leaves us with many unanswered questions)
Tell her the things you wanted to tell her, but never got round to doing.
Tell her how proud you are of her, and how grateful you are to your Mam, for all that she was, and all that she did for you, tell her you love her and miss her.
Grief and the heartache doesn't end with the funeral of a loved one, it takes time for those left behind, to heal, and there's no set time for grieving.
You'll always miss your Mam, but the pain and devastation you're feeling now, will eventually subside, and you'll eventually start to move forward.
As I mentioned before, I and others, believe a person only truly dies, when they're forgotten about, so keep your Mam in your thoughts and help to keep her memory alive, by talking to her and about her.
Your Mam will be at peace now, though she'll always be with you, and looking out for you, from above, even though you won't see her, you might someday suddenly get a waft of her perfume.
It'll be her way of letting you know, she's watching over you.

If you have brothers, sisters or friends, talk to them about how you're feeling, but don't bottle your feelings up, because that won't help you.
Talk to us on here if you want to, and hopefully you'll find peace and comfort.

My mam is my best friend, and she's not getting any younger, and I'm dreading the time, when I eventually have to say goodbye to her.

Thank you for your kind words, and I hope I and other posters on here, have been helpful to you.

God Bless you and take care.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such heartfelt words. I really appreciate it. The one thing that I have taken from all of this is how much people care. The cards, phone calls, messages from family, friends, acquaintances and even people who I`ve never met have brought me a lot of comfort. I spent half an hour on the day of her funeral at the chapel of rest talking to her about everything and nothing. I did of course tell her how much I am enjoying her book. I told her how much I miss her and that she has been a great Mum to me and how much that I loved her. I think she knew that, even though I didn`t say it a lot. I did tell her in hospital a few weeks before she died. She taught me well and to be respectful and considerate regardless of race, religion or any differences in people and those are lessons I`ve passed on to my kids I hope she will be proud of me and her grandchildren.

I collected her ashes a few days ago and I spoke to her on the drive to my home through Durham passed the church where she married my Dad, passed a couple of places where she had worked, the place where she was born and lived as a child and passed where I went to school and where we all lived as a family. I spoke to her the whole time telling her where we were. The only place I didn`t take her was to M&S for a coffee although I`m sure she`d have loved that.

I went up to Durham Cathedral on Monday to sit and listen to the Holocaust Memorial Service. She knew how I loved history and knew how I`d sit and listen to people talking about their experiences. I gave her a lot of thought as I sat and listened and when I walked around the cathedral afterwards.

It`s a tough time and it`s hit me hard but I do value what I had so much and she has made me a big part of what I am today so I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thank you again for what you have said. SMB is a great place for banter, debate, general chat about this and that but also a wonderful place to share experiences like this so thankyou for your kind words.
Similar with my Dad. He was in hospital for a water infection. He'd been quite poorly but was getting better from that and they were talking about discharging him. He seemed full of beans and back to normal. I went in one afternoon and I could tell he was seriously ill. He'd picked up pneumonia. He passed away early the following morning.

The football was our thing. So many times I've wanted to pop in for a chat about the footy and I can't or I've been close to tears at the match as he's popped into my head. It's taken a long time but it does get easier as time goes by. The first Christmas was a big thing, but we got through that and still had a nice time. You'll never totally forget her but I promise it will get easier in time. Keep plodding on mate xx
Thank you Becs. I`m sorry to hear about your Dad. My Mum wasn`t really into football like I was but she always checked the scores and always mentioned it when I visited, usually commiserating in recent years but she shared my joy when we had the good times especially when heading off to Wembley.

I think a lot of the shock I`m feeling is the fact that she`s been through so much and seemed to be through the other end, to be taken after that is hard to take. Even the pneumonia that she was being treated for this time seemed on it`s way out to the extent she was expecting to be coming home in a couple of days. I spoke to the sister and doctor on the ward last week and they explained what had happened. She`d been up and waiting for her breakfast when she slipped away suddenly. At least I can take comfort from the fact that she was expecting me in to see her that day, as I did every day and that she was coming home soon. She wasn`t sitting feeling herself declining and slipping away. She was full of hope and didn`t suffer but I just wish more than anything we had just a little bit more time when she could have enjoyed a new lease of life after her heart operation in December. I am grateful for having her as my Mum and will always love her and just writing about this is helping. Thank you for listening.
 
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