Death of a friend

Scotsmackem

Scotsmackem

Striker
Anyone on here got any advice on dealing with the death of a friend? One of my closest friends commited suicide 3 weeks ago completely unexpectedly and the funeral was yesterday. Ive never really had to deal with grief or a loss like this before, closest i can compare to has been elderly grandparents or dogs which doesnt even come close. Can't even describe how much it hurts at the moment and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time so far!

Feeling totally unequipped for this to be honest and dont know if im handling this the right way. My instinct is just to lock myself down and wallow so been going out my way to keep occupied and meeting up with people. Hating spending time with anyone who didnt know him and isnt at least slightly in the same boat as me, i know they're trying to help but generally just giving me the rage with the shitty platitudes and pop psychology. Which isnt fair on them at all but im really struggling not to lose me temper at times Mutual friends, his family and specifically his fiance have all provided some source of comfort so been spending alot of time with them just talking about him and sharing what we're going through. Im working away for the next 2 weeks though and absolutely dreading the thought of rattling about hotels on me own or even worse having to make small talk over a beer with colleagues.

So aye, over to you wise old SMB. Any advice on not just falling into a pit of despair would be much appreciated.
 


Scotsmackem said:
Anyone on here got any advice on dealing with the death of a friend? One of my closest friends commited suicide 3 weeks ago completely unexpectedly and the funeral was yesterday. Ive never really had to deal with grief or a loss like this before, closest i can compare to has been elderly grandparents or dogs which doesnt even come close. Can't even describe how much it hurts at the moment and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time so far!

Feeling totally unequipped for this to be honest and dont know if im handling this the right way. My instinct is just to lock myself down and wallow so been going out my way to keep occupied and meeting up with people. Hating spending time with anyone who didnt know him and isnt at least slightly in the same boat as me, i know they're trying to help but generally just giving me the rage with the shitty platitudes and pop psychology. Which isnt fair on them at all but im really struggling not to lose me temper at times Mutual friends, his family and specifically his fiance have all provided some source of comfort so been spending alot of time with them just talking about him and sharing what we're going through. Im working away for the next 2 weeks though and absolutely dreading the thought of rattling about hotels on me own or even worse having to make small talk over a beer with colleagues.

So aye, over to you wise old SMB. Any advice on not just falling into a pit of despair would be much appreciated.
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Everyone is different but I would say this is key. Don't be afraid to laugh about him and remember daft stuff. Obviously choose when it's appropriate but gallows humour can work amongst the right people.
I'm guessing the suicide element makes it a lot harder because deep down you will probably (wrongly) feel there is something you could have done. Does your workplace or union offer any kind of support as in confidential phone lines where you can speak to someone?
Longer term, keeping daft little traditions going helps. We had a betting syndicate to pay for annual trips away. It was only £2 a man per week. 11 years on and the three of us still chip in £8 whenever it is our turn for the bets as if he is still around.
I was lucky that I had we had a very strong friend group who still chat about him now whenever we meet up. We keep his parents updated on what we are up to and I think it helps them to see us raise a glass to him each year.
It's going to be tough but keeping talking is the key. As for the hotel stuff, I would probably join a gym and whack the headphones in rather than sitting drinking every night.
 
Morning,

Really sorry to hear about your friend mate. 😔

I lost my best friend to suicide 7 years ago so can empathise with how you feel totally. I'm not going to lie, it's really shit and takes a long time before things feel easier (or it did for me anyway). The difference I think in our situations is you are able to spend time with people who loved him and that's good, that will hopefully help you all. I lived away from my friend and all of his friends and family so felt pretty isolated after he was gone. Thankfully my husband was very supportive so I was able to speak and cry to him about it. Keep talking.

Grief is hard especially at first, the feelings of anger, sadness, shock, etc are all normal. They lessen in time, don't panic that you are still feeling them now, it's part of the process. 3 weeks is still very very early days. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. It's all about time.

There is help out there from the likes of grief counsellors too.

Maybe you could mention to colleagues who you are away with for work what's happened and that you might not feel up to chatting? I'm sure they would understand.
 
RestlessNatives said:
Everyone is different but I would say this is key. Don't be afraid to laugh about him and remember daft stuff. Obviously choose when it's appropriate but gallows humour can work amongst the right people.
I'm guessing the suicide element makes it a lot harder because deep down you will probably (wrongly) feel there is something you could have done. Does your workplace or union offer any kind of support as in confidential phone lines where you can speak to someone?
Longer term, keeping daft little traditions going helps. We had a betting syndicate to pay for annual trips away. It was only £2 a man per week. 11 years on and the three of us still chip in £8 whenever it is our turn for the bets as if he is still around.
I was lucky that I had we had a very strong friend group who still chat about him now whenever we meet up. We keep his parents updated on what we are up to and I think it helps them to see us raise a glass to him each year.
It's going to be tough but keeping talking is the key. As for the hotel stuff, I would probably join a gym and whack the headphones in rather than sitting drinking every night.
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Yesterday i went for a walk with his fiance and it was probably the first time any of us have just shared funny/nice stories about him and i loved it. So aye more of that is definitely on the cards. I wrote an email to the chaplain because when a load of us met with her i didnt feel they got to the essence of him, she basically copy and pasted the whole thing i sent and made that her eulogy. Was absolutely brutal to hear my words back but i think writing it was really theraputic. So thinking of making a diary or something to just write about him might help.
Funnily enough about an hour after i got the news he'd died my work sent a suicide awareness day email. Immediately deleted it but ill maybe chase it down, expect there was information on support on that. Wouldn't have remembered that if you've not mentioned that so cheers!

We have/had a brilliant group of mates, there was 6 of us who still saw each other regularly from our uni days and a handful more who've moved away. So there's definitely a load of similar things we'll be able to do, just need to figure them out. Unfortunately i could never get him to gamble with me, or watch the football on that point. Though the only match he ever went to was Sunderland, even though his girlfriend at the time was a mag.
Was supposed to be best man at his wedding next year and was in the process of organising his stag, thinking i might still go ahead with it as a tribute? Not sure if that's a good idea though.

Yeah alcohol helps alot, so trying to really limit that to weekends. Was supposed to be running the london marathon but deferred now as im scared at the prospect of running and being trapped in my own head at the moment. Take it you found it helped?
I am a reindeer said:
Morning,

Really sorry to hear about your friend mate. 😔

I lost my best friend to suicide 7 years ago so can empathise with how you feel totally. I'm not going to lie, it's really shit and takes a long time before things feel easier (or it did for me anyway). The difference I think in our situations is you are able to spend time with people who loved him and that's good, that will hopefully help you all. I lived away from my friend and all of his friends and family so felt pretty isolated after he was gone. Thankfully my husband was very supportive so I was able to speak and cry to him about it. Keep talking.

Grief is hard especially at first, the feelings of anger, sadness, shock, etc are all normal. They lessen in time, don't panic that you are still feeling them now, it's part of the process. 3 weeks is still very very early days. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. It's all about time.

There is help out there from the likes of grief counsellors too.

Maybe you could mention to colleagues who you are away with for work what's happened and that you might not feel up to chatting? I'm sure they would understand.
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Thankyou.
 
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Sorry for your loss mate

Lost a very good friend in 2015. Hung himself at home and was found later by his wife, took a very long time to even get my head around it. For me it was the little things, we played in the same football team and he was right back and me in goal so we would communicate every match, first game without him was a hell of an experience for me because he had been there for years.

His funeral was and still is a blur to me even though I wasn't drunk or anything like that. Seeing his mam sobbing behind his coffin while his broken father tries to read a eulogy will probably never leave me.

Next stage was the what could or should I have done differently that may have helped? Took a while to realise that it wouldn't have mattered and he made his choices and us left behind have to live with them.

Only thing I can say to you is take your time with this because you may find things come back at you double barrelled. The upcoming wedding date being a sad but imminent reminder that he's no longer with you.

Once the firsts of everything pass (first match, pint with the lads, birthday piss up. Etc) things will get easier but they will likely never be the same again. Accepting that's a huge part of moving on. I hope you will be at peace with his choice eventually in the same way that I am with my friends choice.

All the very best.
 
Don’t be afraid to remember him just in case it gets you upset.

Share memories, laugh at jokes and fun times spent together. Eat a KitKat if he liked those.

Just because he’s not in here in person anymore doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate the positive impact he had on your life.

What’s happened is tragic man, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

Hope you’re feeling better soon. Openly grieving on here and with family and friends is a very positive step.
 
Nothing from a personal point of view but a good friend of mine lost his very best mate to suicide quite a few years ago and another close friend about 4 years ago that he spent many hours drinking and running with. To be honest he still grieves for both today, he rarely goes a month without posting something about his best friend on social media about the times they had together or stories he knows about him. I think nowadays he manags it by thinking of the great time they had together and being grateful for them. He'll still sheds a tear or two for them but as time goes on while the pain doesn't go away he finds it more manageable as he's come to terms with it much in the same way families who've lost mother's, brothers, children do.

My parents practically threw all pictures they had of my older brother who passed away before I was born which I find really sad when I think about it. Can't imagine what they went through but it's how they coped. I think people are generally better at managing stuff like this now and we have better support around.

Lean on those you trust, they'll be there to let you sit next to them if that's what you feel you need at the time. They'll be there if you need a hug and they'll sit in the room next to you if you want to be alone.
Keeping yourself occupied can help as well, go for runs, bike rides, fix/put up that shelf you've put off for ages etc.

Biggest thing are the friends and family you can rely on though, at least it was for my mate Sid
 
Having a good support group there is the most important thing and it sounds like you’ve got one. Make sure you keep the communication lines open by text/phone when you are away to make sure you don’t lose the support.

One of my mates died suddenly in 2018 and I took it quite hard, I felt a lot of guilt that I hadn’t taken as much effort over the previous year or so to see him as I perhaps should have because my kids were small. The group of mates we were in were all there for each other through it.
 
There’s no right and wrong way to deal with it. It’s your grief, nobody else’s. Their grief is theirs and you can’t deal with theirs in the same way.
The people who knew him have that in common but don’t try and rationalise different peoples grief.
Your relationship with your mate was yours between you two, how did you both think about stuff like this. Would he want you being the way you are but it’s not unreasonable as it’s still very new.
Time is a healer
 
Do talk about him without fearing you will upset someone. Do make jokes about him. Don’t regret or dwell on what you could have done differently because there was probably little you could have done. If you were aware of the severity of the issue you would have done it anyway.
Don’t be frightened to enjoy life and think it’s too soon to have fun. Don’t be frightened to let your emotions take over either. If you feel miserable, just be miserable.
It’s 30 years since my mate went and whilst I still think of him now and again and it would have been great if he’d been around, life is still pretty amazing.
Just get through next few weeks as best you can. Take care mate.
 
Just take yer time and don’t put any pressure on yourself, time is a healer as they say. Lost my friend to suicide when he was 23 year old 2 year ago, doesn’t really sink in for a while when it’s so unexpected but you’ll get there mate.



It’s a bad day not a bad life.
 
I’d be more miffed with them for not reaching out.
Life goes on, no point bringing yourself down.
Think of all the good times and laughs you had.

You cannot do anything for them but you’re more important.
 
Scotsmackem said:
Anyone on here got any advice on dealing with the death of a friend? One of my closest friends commited suicide 3 weeks ago completely unexpectedly and the funeral was yesterday. Ive never really had to deal with grief or a loss like this before, closest i can compare to has been elderly grandparents or dogs which doesnt even come close. Can't even describe how much it hurts at the moment and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time so far!

Feeling totally unequipped for this to be honest and dont know if im handling this the right way. My instinct is just to lock myself down and wallow so been going out my way to keep occupied and meeting up with people. Hating spending time with anyone who didnt know him and isnt at least slightly in the same boat as me, i know they're trying to help but generally just giving me the rage with the shitty platitudes and pop psychology. Which isnt fair on them at all but im really struggling not to lose me temper at times Mutual friends, his family and specifically his fiance have all provided some source of comfort so been spending alot of time with them just talking about him and sharing what we're going through. Im working away for the next 2 weeks though and absolutely dreading the thought of rattling about hotels on me own or even worse having to make small talk over a beer with colleagues.

So aye, over to you wise old SMB. Any advice on not just falling into a pit of despair would be much appreciated.
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Given the highlighted bit, you think the SMB will be an improvement ?

Never been in your situation friend wise though, so hope you get better at dealing with it.
 
Lost my best friend, unexpectedly, several years ago. He was only 24, just shy of his 25th birthday. Don’t think I’ve really accepted still, don’t feel like I’ve grieved properly. All I know is that our friendship group looked out for each other and made sure we were there to support each other. I found it helped to just talk about him; the good, the bad and the ugly.
 
So sorry to hear your loss. It's really hard having to pick up the pieces and I feel for you.

Don't feel alone when you're in the hotel room. Start a thread on here or PM people. There's plenty who will keep you company if you're struggling.

The stag thing sounds like a good idea. You could do it as a celebration of his life. After the wake after my Dad's funeral, I did find it comforting chatting to the various people and them telling me random memories they had of him.

Not sure if you live in the North East but I've just posted details of a mental health event in October that includes a presentation on dealing with bereavement. You're more than welcome to attend.

Game of II Halves Mental Health Conference

This has now been rescheduled after it was cancelled following the Queen's passing. Tue, 25 October 2022, 17:00 – 20:00 BST Beacon of Light All are welcome. The conference will be supporting the World Suicide Prevention Day theme of 'Creating Hope through Action'. Guest speakers confirmed...
www.readytogo.net www.readytogo.net

Look after yourself mate and take care. We're all thinking of you and here if you need us xx
 
Your grief is your grief, so firstly don't worry that you're taking it the wrong way: there isn't a right or wrong.

Talk, talk, talk. Cry if you need to. Remember the good things about your friend as well as the bad, and don't worry about burdening other people with your grief: they might not know what to say, but you have to talk about it. Seriously: even talk when you're alone. There's something about putting the thoughts into words that really helps, I think.

Lots of people have made good suggestions, and I hope it's useful for you.

I'm not you, so I can't know how you feel, but I have spoken to hundreds of people whose lives have been touched by suicide. There's just no getting away from the fact it will be shit for a while, but not forever.
 
I’ve lost three good mates in the last 4 years..best advice I’ve personally read on here up to now is just remembering the laughs..the piss ups..‘remember when he did that’..‘remember when we went there’..i do it all the time..puts a daft grin on my face and makes me realise how lucky i was to have them as mates.
 

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