Break up of a relationship/marriage

I imagine it's worse if it's one basically binning the other. If both think it's actually the right thing to do then I imagine it'd be a bit easier to come to terms with. And means no bitterness, which is better if children are involved.
Haway Rocky lad. Get back in the ring.
I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap
Any examples of things that happened mate? Not the police stuff but more day to day things when you were together.
Tons, conflict resolution was a favourite for a long time. Any slight disagreement would escalate int is break up and her saying it was down to me not being able to resolve conflict. I looked at my behaviour and thought ok I could have handled that better and changed what I did. It still didn’t work. I still got blamed for every single argument.
another one was on a night out, we were standing in a pub, I went to the toilet waking past the bar (the most obvious direct route from where we were standing), I cam back a slightly different way which was the obvious route coming back...I happened to walk past a table where two lasses were sitting. Nothing said, didn’t even notice them. Weeks later she brought it up in an argument saying I walked past them deliberately because they were eyeing me up. Fuck me, I couldn’t even remember what she was on about at first but she made out I was flirting.
Then there’s stuff like in an argument she’d try and goad me. She’d take one distinct step forward right into me, aggressive, controlled and quiet as if she was going to hit me. When I challenged her about she denied it and said what could she possibly do against a bloke.
Then there was the subtle threats of harming herself, this was always when I stood my ground in an argument (I argued very rarely face to face with her as I was scared of what she’d do), usually by text, she’d say stuff like she can’t go on, everyone is better off without her, she’d post it on Facebook to get the support of her flying monkeys and paint me out to be the baddy.
Then there was the stalking, On Facebook, on here, she even created an account on here and must have spent hours and hours trawling through my old posts, she’d then use them against me even though they were from years before we even met. That led me to deleting my account on here.
I could go on and on and on 😂
 
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I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap
Each situation is different.
Personally, I think a lot of younger ones don't persevere with relationships that need work but then again, it is possible to have a number of very good romantic relationships in a lifetime. So, I understand the desire to move on and end something unpleasant.
 
I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap

Tons, conflict resolution was a favourite for a long time. Any slight disagreement would escalate int is break up and her saying it was down to me not being able to resolve conflict. I looked at my behaviour and thought ok I could have handled that better and changed what I did. It still didn’t work. I still got blamed for every single argument.
another one was on a night out, we were standing in a pub, I went to the toilet waking past the bar (the most obvious direct route from where we were standing), I cam back a slightly different way which was the obvious route coming back...I happened to walk past a table where two lasses were sitting. Nothing said, didn’t even notice them. Weeks later she brought it up in an argument saying I walked past them deliberately because they were eyeing me up. Fuck me, I couldn’t even remember what she was on about at first but she made out I was flirting.
Then there’s stuff like in an argument she’d try and goad me. She’d take one distinct step forward right into me, aggressive, controlled and quiet as if she was going to hit me. When I challenged her about she denied it and said what could she possibly do against a bloke.
Then there was the subtle threats of harming herself, this was always when I stood my ground in an argument (I argued very rarely face to face with her as I was scared of what she’d do), usually by text, she’d say stuff like she can’t go on, everyone is better off without her, she’d post it on Facebook to get the support of her flying monkeys and paint me out to be the baddy.
Then there was the stalking, On Facebook, on here, she even created an account on here and must have spent hours and hours trawling through my old posts, she’d then use them against me even though they were from years before we even met. That led me to deleting my account on here.
I could go on and on and on 😂

Jesus, you're well out of that. Some of those things certainly ring true with my ex. She's not a full blown narcissist but has some of the traits certainly.
 
I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap

Tons, conflict resolution was a favourite for a long time. Any slight disagreement would escalate int is break up and her saying it was down to me not being able to resolve conflict. I looked at my behaviour and thought ok I could have handled that better and changed what I did. It still didn’t work. I still got blamed for every single argument.
another one was on a night out, we were standing in a pub, I went to the toilet waking past the bar (the most obvious direct route from where we were standing), I cam back a slightly different way which was the obvious route coming back...I happened to walk past a table where two lasses were sitting. Nothing said, didn’t even notice them. Weeks later she brought it up in an argument saying I walked past them deliberately because they were eyeing me up. Fuck me, I couldn’t even remember what she was on about at first but she made out I was flirting.
Then there’s stuff like in an argument she’d try and goad me. She’d take one distinct step forward right into me, aggressive, controlled and quiet as if she was going to hit me. When I challenged her about she denied it and said what could she possibly do against a bloke.
Then there was the subtle threats of harming herself, this was always when I stood my ground in an argument (I argued very rarely face to face with her as I was scared of what she’d do), usually by text, she’d say stuff like she can’t go on, everyone is better off without her, she’d post it on Facebook to get the support of her flying monkeys and paint me out to be the baddy.
Then there was the stalking, On Facebook, on here, she even created an account on here and must have spent hours and hours trawling through my old posts, she’d then use them against me even though they were from years before we even met. That led me to deleting my account on here.
I could go on and on and on 😂

I hate to be that guy, but surely the first time she behaved like a psycho should have been a massive red flag?
 
I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap

Tons, conflict resolution was a favourite for a long time. Any slight disagreement would escalate int is break up and her saying it was down to me not being able to resolve conflict. I looked at my behaviour and thought ok I could have handled that better and changed what I did. It still didn’t work. I still got blamed for every single argument.
another one was on a night out, we were standing in a pub, I went to the toilet waking past the bar (the most obvious direct route from where we were standing), I cam back a slightly different way which was the obvious route coming back...I happened to walk past a table where two lasses were sitting. Nothing said, didn’t even notice them. Weeks later she brought it up in an argument saying I walked past them deliberately because they were eyeing me up. Fuck me, I couldn’t even remember what she was on about at first but she made out I was flirting.
Then there’s stuff like in an argument she’d try and goad me. She’d take one distinct step forward right into me, aggressive, controlled and quiet as if she was going to hit me. When I challenged her about she denied it and said what could she possibly do against a bloke.
Then there was the subtle threats of harming herself, this was always when I stood my ground in an argument (I argued very rarely face to face with her as I was scared of what she’d do), usually by text, she’d say stuff like she can’t go on, everyone is better off without her, she’d post it on Facebook to get the support of her flying monkeys and paint me out to be the baddy.
Then there was the stalking, On Facebook, on here, she even created an account on here and must have spent hours and hours trawling through my old posts, she’d then use them against me even though they were from years before we even met. That led me to deleting my account on here.
I could go on and on and on 😂

f***ing right fanny you mind
 
I hate to be that guy, but surely the first time she behaved like a psycho should have been a massive red flag?
Of course, absolutely it was, but it’s how she then responded, you’ve also got to realise that what these people do is spend time being the perfect partner, ‘the love bombing’ phase. As far as I was concerned I was going to spend forever with her, she said she wanted the same. First few months were out of this world.
After that starts the process of slowly dismantling you, ie the conflict resolution, you end up believing it is you (they also tend to go for people who can look at themselves and self improve so they can manipulate them easier), before you know it you’re hooked and it’s very hard to break free. They come back and do ‘just enough’ to make you think everything is going to be alright, they give you a glimpse of what it was like at the start...it soon turns to shit again though.
Jesus, you're well out of that. Some of those things certainly ring true with my ex. She's not a full blown narcissist but has some of the traits certainly.
Had she suffered any trauma in her life? Mine had been abused as a kid hence her traits. She was a text book case
f***ing right fanny you mind
😂😂😂im the only Fanny you’re not going to get to buck
 
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Of course, absolutely it was, but it’s how she then responded, you’ve also got to realise that what these people do is spend time being the perfect partner, ‘the love bombing’ phase. As far as I was concerned I was going to spend forever with her, she said she wanted the same. First few months were out of this world.
After that starts the process of slowly dismantling you, ie the conflict resolution, you end up believing it is you (they also tend to go for people who can look at themselves and self improve so they can manipulate them easier), before you know it you’re hooked and it’s very hard to break free. They come back and do ‘just enough’ to make you think everything is going to be alright, they give you a glimpse of what it was like at the start...it soon turns to shit again though.

Had she suffered any trauma in her life? Mine had been abused as a kid hence her traits. She was a text book case

😂😂😂im the only Fanny you’re not going to get to buck

Wanna bet?
 
Oh yes, I know all about that one, did you get to the point where you started to think she was right as well? Was it a clean break? It took about 6-8 months to end it with mine, had to get the police involved in the end, there was nothing they could do about the narcissistic behaviour but could do her for harassment. It’s unreal how something that appeared to be so good could turn out to be such a lie and come to the point where I had to get the police involved

Absolutely, took an attempted suicide and a week in the Crisis House at Shildon for me to realise what the fuck I was doing. Anyway, cheer up Rocky :lol:
 
I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap

Tons, conflict resolution was a favourite for a long time. Any slight disagreement would escalate int is break up and her saying it was down to me not being able to resolve conflict. I looked at my behaviour and thought ok I could have handled that better and changed what I did. It still didn’t work. I still got blamed for every single argument.
another one was on a night out, we were standing in a pub, I went to the toilet waking past the bar (the most obvious direct route from where we were standing), I cam back a slightly different way which was the obvious route coming back...I happened to walk past a table where two lasses were sitting. Nothing said, didn’t even notice them. Weeks later she brought it up in an argument saying I walked past them deliberately because they were eyeing me up. Fuck me, I couldn’t even remember what she was on about at first but she made out I was flirting.
Then there’s stuff like in an argument she’d try and goad me. She’d take one distinct step forward right into me, aggressive, controlled and quiet as if she was going to hit me. When I challenged her about she denied it and said what could she possibly do against a bloke.
Then there was the subtle threats of harming herself, this was always when I stood my ground in an argument (I argued very rarely face to face with her as I was scared of what she’d do), usually by text, she’d say stuff like she can’t go on, everyone is better off without her, she’d post it on Facebook to get the support of her flying monkeys and paint me out to be the baddy.
Then there was the stalking, On Facebook, on here, she even created an account on here and must have spent hours and hours trawling through my old posts, she’d then use them against me even though they were from years before we even met. That led me to deleting my account on here.
I could go on and on and on 😂

Easier as in the dad isn't moving out of home and not seeing his kids anywhere near as much as the mam (that's usually the case). Double whammy that in my book.
I don’t buy all of this it’s easier if kids aren’t involved stuff, quite often it’s more harmful to the kids if you do stay together. But I agree, @rocky needs to be out bucking asap

Tons, conflict resolution was a favourite for a long time. Any slight disagreement would escalate int is break up and her saying it was down to me not being able to resolve conflict. I looked at my behaviour and thought ok I could have handled that better and changed what I did. It still didn’t work. I still got blamed for every single argument.
another one was on a night out, we were standing in a pub, I went to the toilet waking past the bar (the most obvious direct route from where we were standing), I cam back a slightly different way which was the obvious route coming back...I happened to walk past a table where two lasses were sitting. Nothing said, didn’t even notice them. Weeks later she brought it up in an argument saying I walked past them deliberately because they were eyeing me up. Fuck me, I couldn’t even remember what she was on about at first but she made out I was flirting.
Then there’s stuff like in an argument she’d try and goad me. She’d take one distinct step forward right into me, aggressive, controlled and quiet as if she was going to hit me. When I challenged her about she denied it and said what could she possibly do against a bloke.
Then there was the subtle threats of harming herself, this was always when I stood my ground in an argument (I argued very rarely face to face with her as I was scared of what she’d do), usually by text, she’d say stuff like she can’t go on, everyone is better off without her, she’d post it on Facebook to get the support of her flying monkeys and paint me out to be the baddy.
Then there was the stalking, On Facebook, on here, she even created an account on here and must have spent hours and hours trawling through my old posts, she’d then use them against me even though they were from years before we even met. That led me to deleting my account on here.
I could go on and on and on 😂

You picked well there ffs :lol:
 
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Absolutely, took an attempted suicide and a week in the Crisis House at Shildon for me to realise what the fuck I was doing. Anyway, cheer up Rocky :lol:
f***ing hell mate, you must have been well fucked to go to shildon although I suppose when you’re there life doesn’t look too bad after all😂, my low point was taking myself along Roker Pier at night in the middle of a storm half hoping to be washed away.
so are you sorted now? Did you have any sort of therapy?
Easier as in the dad isn't moving out of home and not seeing his kids anywhere near as much as the mam (that's usually the case). Double whammy that in my book.


You picked well there ffs :lol:
Oh I did a good job, she was a little treasure 🤦🏻‍♂️😂
 
f***ing hell mate, you must have been well fucked to go to shildon although I suppose when you’re there life doesn’t look too bad after all😂, my low point was taking myself along Roker Pier at night in the middle of a storm half hoping to be washed away.
so are you sorted now? Did you have any sort of therapy?

Oh I did a good job, she was a little treasure 🤦🏻‍♂️😂

:lol: Yeah much better now, this was 4 years ago pretty much to the week, had a couple of promotions since, had a bairn, onwards and upwards. Saw a Psychologist for a while and started meditating, taking my medication correctly and exercising. It was hard work but it's worked wonders.
 
:lol: Yeah much better now, this was 4 years ago pretty much to the week, had a couple of promotions since, had a bairn, onwards and upwards. Saw a Psychologist for a while and started meditating, taking my medication correctly and exercising. It was hard work but it's worked wonders.
Get in la! Chuffed for you mate.😎. How did you find seeing other lasses afterwards, was the ghost of the ex lurking about?

I never did the medication thing, but the pyschotherapy has been an eye opener, I’m quite interested in that shit anyway so to go through the process was great. Still go now but use it for personal development, goal achievement and stuff like that, can’t recommend it highly enough
 
Get in la! Chuffed for you mate.😎. How did you find seeing other lasses afterwards, was the ghost of the ex lurking about?

I never did the medication thing, but the pyschotherapy has been an eye opener, I’m quite interested in that shit anyway so to go through the process was great. Still go now but use it for personal development, goal achievement and stuff like that, can’t recommend it highly enough

Thanks man (and thank you ADR&W), yeah she actually works at my daughter's nursery, which I was dreading at first but it's been fine. It was noted how much I talked about her, but it was helpful that the person I got with had been my friend throughout the whole ordeal so understood just how much I'd been damaged by it. We're not together any more but it was definitely made easier by her understanding and it's meant I'm carrying a lot less baggage in my current relationship.

I think it's important that people acknowledge that not everything is right for everyone. It took me years to find the right medication for my depression and I'd poo-pooed meditation for a long time before trying it. Pleased you found it useful too, the people I know who've had it it tends to be 50 / 50.
 
Of course, absolutely it was, but it’s how she then responded, you’ve also got to realise that what these people do is spend time being the perfect partner, ‘the love bombing’ phase. As far as I was concerned I was going to spend forever with her, she said she wanted the same. First few months were out of this world.
After that starts the process of slowly dismantling you, ie the conflict resolution, you end up believing it is you (they also tend to go for people who can look at themselves and self improve so they can manipulate them easier), before you know it you’re hooked and it’s very hard to break free. They come back and do ‘just enough’ to make you think everything is going to be alright, they give you a glimpse of what it was like at the start...it soon turns to shit again though.

Had she suffered any trauma in her life? Mine had been abused as a kid hence her traits. She was a text book case

😂😂😂im the only Fanny you’re not going to get to buck

Yes mate, abused as a child/teenager and just buried it and didn't get help. I'm no angel myself mind and have my own issues. I have pleaded with her to get help but the only problem she has is me apparently!

There have been various issues, including a similar thing as you with other lasses on a night out etc. I've lost friendships as she made me feel uncomfortable going out etc. Wasn't allowed to go into nightclubs (not that I'm bothered particularly) as people only went there for one thing according to her...needless to say I was never allowed to go on any lads holidays. She's Italian and and to help me learn I was on a language exchange app and was talking to several people including a couple of lasses - there was nothing going on at all but she found out and she's always held that against me and it was over 3 years ago. I once called in to a female friends house (I'm the godfather to her daughter) in the late evening as I was travelling from my mum's (hadn't gone earlier because I was watching Rugby!) and had a coffee and left after half an hour. She went mental and thought I'd been up to no good (Now lost contact with them too). But yet when she has gone back to Italy on her own, it was okay for her to meet with a previous boyfriend for a coffee (because it was in public was her justification). She has few friends, and the main one she does have is with a jealous and controlling moron. On nights out he'd be texting her and acting up due to jealousy, whereas I wanted her to have a life and to enjoy herself but apparently not showing jealousy was because I didn't care about her and she could have slept with anyone else and I wouldn't have reacted! Mental!
 
Thanks man (and thank you ADR&W), yeah she actually works at my daughter's nursery, which I was dreading at first but it's been fine. It was noted how much I talked about her, but it was helpful that the person I got with had been my friend throughout the whole ordeal so understood just how much I'd been damaged by it. We're not together any more but it was definitely made easier by her understanding and it's meant I'm carrying a lot less baggage in my current relationship.

I think it's important that people acknowledge that not everything is right for everyone. It took me years to find the right medication for my depression and I'd poo-pooed meditation for a long time before trying it. Pleased you found it useful too, the people I know who've had it it tends to be 50 / 50.
Do you think a lot of it comes down to the competence of the therapist? I saw one to start with who called himself a psychotherapist but wasn’t much more than a counsellor. The one I’m with now is a bona fide pyschotherapist and works wonders, picks up on things I never even knew about myself.
Ive tried the whole meditation thing, I quite like it for chillling our but found it didn’t touch the sides when it came to dealing with the damage I’d allowed her to cause
Yes mate, abused as a child/teenager and just buried it and didn't get help. I'm no angel myself mind and have my own issues. I have pleaded with her to get help but the only problem she has is me apparently!

There have been various issues, including a similar thing as you with other lasses on a night out etc. I've lost friendships as she made me feel uncomfortable going out etc. Wasn't allowed to go into nightclubs (not that I'm bothered particularly) as people only went there for one thing according to her...needless to say I was never allowed to go on any lads holidays. She's Italian and and to help me learn I was on a language exchange app and was talking to several people including a couple of lasses - there was nothing going on at all but she found out and she's always held that against me and it was over 3 years ago. I once called in to a female friends house (I'm the godfather to her daughter) in the late evening as I was travelling from my mum's (hadn't gone earlier because I was watching Rugby!) and had a coffee and left after half an hour. She went mental and thought I'd been up to no good (Now lost contact with them too). But yet when she has gone back to Italy on her own, it was okay for her to meet with a previous boyfriend for a coffee (because it was in public was her justification). She has few friends, and the main one she does have is with a jealous and controlling moron. On nights out he'd be texting her and acting up due to jealousy, whereas I wanted her to have a life and to enjoy herself but apparently not showing jealousy was because I didn't care about her and she could have slept with anyone else and I wouldn't have reacted! Mental!
That first paragraph, word for word what she’d say to me!😂😂. She told me about her abuse early on and said she’s got a handle on it, that impressed me, and she does function quite normally when she’s not in a relationship, butter wouldn’t melt and that, everyone thinks she’s great and she’s use that against me saying do I not think other people would have noticed she had issues therefore it must all be down to me.

as for the rest of your post...I know exactly what you’ve been through there and what it feels like. It’s unreal isn’t it. An absolute head fuck.
 
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