anyone know how much it costs on the bus to get from Peterlee to Sunderland?

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trevor

Now that nearly everbody's cleared off, and because I see you as a kindrid spirit, I'll let you into my secret method that's served me well for many years but please respect me and keep it to yourself. This has never failed to get me a free ride when I've blown all my money or gotten stinking drunk. Guard the secret well.

First you go into a shop and buy a Sherbert Fountain. (If it's after hours find a petrol station and if they've no sherbert fountains you'll just have to improvise with whatever you can get your hands on.
If you're in luck, and they have the wonderful racially harmonious fountain with the magical duo of tangy white sherbert and his mysterious black companion, follow these instructions to the letter.

Take out the liquorice, put the whole lot in and suck it like fuck.........this makes your tongue and the inside of your mouth as black as coal*
Then empty the entire contents of the sherbert tube into your mouth which you then close tightly. After a few moments the sherbert will start to fizz and expand.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH! Otherwise you'll end up ruining the effect and you'll have to buy another and find a new target audience. Eventually, because of the pressure build up, the sherbert will start to find it's way up your nose and your eyes will stream. Ignore the pain.

This should start to alert people and draw their attention unless you're somewhere like Hartlepool where people won't make eye contact under any circumstances. However, if it does then the plan is starting to work.

Now, and this is the critical part, when the pressure is absolutely unbearable and you have white foam streaming out of your nose open your mouth, let the whole lot go in one and drop to the ground. Lay on your side and start to run. Eventually, because of a combination of the sugar hit you've just had and the now slippery pavement you'll gather speed until you're spinning round like a top. Open your mouth as wide as it'll go and start screaming which will expose your horrible black mouth and tongue. For anyone in their sixties or older this could produce a heart attack but that's good for the next stage so don't worry about them.

By this point people will assume you're having some kind of fit and as you're blocking the entire pavement will call an ambulance for you and your elderly new chum. An ambulance will eventually arrive even if they've asked for a police escort. You'll be whisked off, in some style, and be taken to the nearest hospital where you'll be wheeled past the other suckers who've been waiting in casualty for hours.
After you've been examined they'll quiz you about the incident where you can claim that it was your first ever Sherbert Fountain and you must've had an allergic reaction. Claim that you're having hallucinations and you're too dizzy to walk. Even though they'll think you're a lying twat they'll put you in an ambulance and get you home.

I've done this so many times I've lost track and I must've cost the National Health a fuckin fortune over the years which just shows them politicians they're not the only ones who can sponge off the ordinary tax payers.
ONE-NIL to the common man :-D


* Coal. This was a product popular in the North East, ask your grandad to explain.
 
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Riviera said:
trevor

Now that nearly everbody's cleared off, and because I see you as a kindrid spirit, I'll let you into my secret method that's served me well for many years but please respect me and keep it to yourself. This has never failed to get me a free ride when I've blown all my money or gotten stinking drunk. Guard the secret well.

First you go into a shop and buy a Sherbert Fountain. (If it's after hours find a petrol station and if they've no sherbert fountains you'll just have to improvise with whatever you can get your hands on.
If you're in luck, and they have the wonderful racially harmonious fountain with the magical duo of tangy white sherbert and his mysterious black companion, follow these instructions to the letter.

Take out the liquorice, put the whole lot in and suck it like fuck.........this makes your tongue and the inside of your mouth as black as coal*
Then empty the entire contents of the sherbert tube into your mouth which you then close tightly. After a few moments the sherbert will start to fizz and expand.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH! Otherwise you'll end up ruining the effect and you'll have to buy another and find a new target audience. Eventually, because of the pressure build up, the sherbert will start to find it's way up your nose and your eyes will stream. Ignore the pain.

This should start to alert people and draw their attention unless you're somewhere like Hartlepool where people won't make eye contact under any circumstances. However, if it does then the plan is starting to work.

Now, and this is the critical part, when the pressure is absolutely unbearable and you have white foam streaming out of your nose open your mouth, let the whole lot go in one and drop to the ground. Lay on your side and start to run. Eventually, because of a combination of the sugar hit you've just had and the now slippery pavement you'll gather speed until you're spinning round like a top. Open your mouth as wide as it'll go and start screaming which will expose your horrible black mouth and tongue. For anyone in their sixties or older this could produce a heart attack but that's good for the next stage so don't worry about them.

By this point people will assume you're having some kind of fit and as you're blocking the entire pavement will call an ambulance for you and your elderly new chum. An ambulance will eventually arrive even if they've asked for a police escort. You'll be whisked off, in some style, and be taken to the nearest hospital where you'll be wheeled past the other suckers who've been waiting in casualty for hours.
After you've been examined they'll quiz you about the incident where you can claim that it was your first ever Sherbert Fountain and you must've had an allergic reaction. Claim that you're having hallucinations and you're too dizzy to walk. Even though they'll think you're a lying twat they'll put you in an ambulance and get you home.

I've done this so many times I've lost track and I must've cost the National Health a fuckin fortune over the years which just shows them politicians they're not the only ones who can sponge off the ordinary tax payers.
ONE-NIL to the common man :-D


* Coal. This was a product popular in the North East, ask your grandad to explain.
Click to expand...

its alreet mate i got a lift
 
This needs to be engoldified as it can't possibly get any better.
Trevor also needs his life time ban enforced as we've had our fun with him and he will only ever be a dissapointment after this.
 
f***ing bullies,picking on Trevor,the lad only asked for a bit of help and now you're all taking the piss out of the poor lad.
These all vote labour Trev mate,don't trust them in the slightest.
 
bongo said:
f***ing bullies,picking on Trevor,the lad only asked for a bit of help and now you're all taking the piss out of the poor lad.
These all vote labour Trev mate,don't trust them in the slightest.
Click to expand...

Ok we weren't helping much, but then we weren't working out how to take the £3.40 off him either... ;)
 
Just got back and missed the later fun, Ive read back some posts to catch the jist, but can some give me a breakdown(theres been a few on here).

Gutted I missed it.
Pissflaps and gravy:-(

Is Trevor Pell, who can tell
Trevor who ever, was Pell being clever
And the boy stuck in Peterlee was fiction and never

In this cold dark dark eve
With no woman to hold my balls tight
Did trevor make it home and greggs profits are bright

I'm confused writing this poem
Is trevor really Pell the cheeky scamp
Or is Trevor now getting Rodgered by a homeless tramp?

On the brightside Trevor, At least your not sleeping in a bank doorway that stinks of piss;)

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out of interest trevor, did you manage to get much work done yesterday?
 
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