A year ago we were sitting outside a bar in Vancouver, enjoying sun and beer ready for another season enduring the lads. How would we have felt if we had known that was to be the highpoint of the season? A short while later we went to the picturesque ground to watch us get beat off a team somewhere round lower league/conference standard.
As we sat in downtown Nailsworth, supping our Guiness and enjoying this splendid English summer, what now awaits us? In the last few months we have gone from the pits of despair to the pinnacle of blind hope to the fog of “what the hell is going on?”. We have no owner, no chairman, no manager. We still have Arca, who was certain to go. We still have Danny Collins and Tommy Miller, the shirtswapping twins, who we’d certainly like to go (painfully preferably – but just go).
We had arranged to meet at a pub that was on the Forest Green Rovers website. However, the advance party got there while we were still on the M4. The report back was that it was the world’s tiniest pub. The sign on the door said “Chicken and chips” which excited our hungry comrades until they found out that it was the pub’s capacity and not a menu. So we ended up outside the Britannia which is I guess what passes for central Nailsworth (there is no Forest Green, you’ll be disappointed to know – it is like Port Vale). Problem now is we didn’t know where the ground was. “Up” said the bar staff in response to our queries. Thinking “it’s a nice day, let’s walk” we headed for said “up”. Bloody hell. I had assumed by “up” they were talking about a hill and not literally up. It was like that opening sequence in Mission Impossible 2 where Tom Cruise is grappling his way “up” (try to think of me as Tom Cruise). At least we got back down after the match pretty sharpish.
Once we had arrived at up we realised how “new” the ground really was. The reality is it is going to be several weeks before it has reached the “new” stage. Nee roof on one end (but several young roof shootings) and lots of bits and bobs missing from things like toilets. When it is done it is going to be a stunningly nice ground for this level. The open away terrace running down one side of the pitch will be rough in the winter but in the summer was gorgeous. Football supporters being averse to anything that might single oneself out as being a dandy, no-one had sun tan lotion on. So by the end we all sported matching bright red necks.
We knew that we were going to field two totally different sides in the two halves. These were cunningly named “Team 1” and “Team 2”. To confuse people (although it only seemed to work on me) we fielded Team 2 first. This consisted of Alnwick in goal, Caldwell and Collins N at centre back, Wright and McCartney as full backs, Arca on the left wing and Lawrence on the right, Miler and Leadbitter (who I think still has no contract) in centre midfield with Stead and Elliott up front. I imagine this is close to being our first team at present. It was nice to see Alnwick in goal as I’d like to keep him (apparently we turned down an offer from Spurs for him) and get rid of the Klown. The Klown was down to play the second half but he was nowhere to be seen. Rumours of him leaving for Southampton might well be true. Hurrah! Alnwick had nowt much to do in the first half. Actually nowt much happened at first generally. Elliot hit the bar, which was exciting in a pre-season “ooh, Elliot just hit the bar” sort of way. Things started to get better the last 15 minutes or so. McCartney looked in a mean mood and was trying to push forward a lot. Leadbitter was having a good game and was making himself available. Even Miller was visible to the naked eye from time to time. Lawrence was over the other side of the pitch from us so I am not sure what he was up to. Let’s say he had a good work out – it’s an expression that means nothing but makes people think you were paying attention. Collins N looked comfortable and I have some hopes for him after looking canny in our Championship winning season (that was just over 12 months ago but seems like another planet, never mind another time). Caldwell didn’t seem to be struggling from whatever he has been struggling from (yes I am qualified to give medical opinions by visual inspection from 40 yards away before you ask). Wright has big ears – I wonder if I am going to spend all season confusing him with Delap? Hang around here to find out.
Up front Elliott looked eager but seemed way off being match fit. He was also pushed off the ball a bit too easy for my liking. Get some shredded wheat down yer and dinnit let the big kids push you around Stevie. Stead. Oh, Stead. As a renowned Stead admirer I so want to be able to report good things about him. Every touch I was writing this report in my mind “Stead played a sublime ball through ….”. It was not to be. It wasn’t that he had a poor game. it was just that the weight of my expectation for him to prove his quality is just too great. Let’s get behind him and see what we can do.
Second half was meant to be a completely different team – Team 1 (see, I told you it was confusing). However, the Klown was still weighing up the offer from Billy Smart and Cunningham was nowhere to be seen. Ah-ha conspiracy theories are us. Amazingly Cunningham had appeared in the betting odds on Friday for the manager’s job! Wow, this would be really exciting if it wasn’t so interminably tedious. Anyway he didn’t play as planned so Collins N stayed on and took the captain’s armband off Caldwell. Very interesting (well it is to anyone still reading this thing – I tend to lose most of my readers in the first paragraph) and of course we had Alnwick in goal. He actually had to make a stunning tip over type save from a Beckham-like free kick (this is non-league football – if it gets over the wall it is called Beckham-like). However, Collins D did have to rescue him by clearing off the line. Well, I say it was Collins D – it was someone wearing Collins D’s shirt – so basically it could have been any opposition player.
But I get ahead of myself. “What was the rest of the team I hear you ask?” (I really must go to the doctor about these voices in my head). Smith, the friend of Arsene Wenger, came on at left back – and played over the other side so god knows what he did). Kyle, who wasn’t meant to be playing did indeed play instead of another Smith (jeez Team 1 are a shambles). Delap played on the right wing but didn’t do many long throw ins which was a little disappointing for those of us who like such things (it always seemed to be other teams who had someone who could do that). Nuggsy came on to general approval as he is the only one with a proper nickname (Smithy and Stevie being the limits of imagination for most of the rest of the team). He also made a couple of jolly good tackles to produce some whinging from one of the lads I was with “god, we are cheering winning 50/50 balls against a Conference side”. Supporting SAFC does tend to produce a sunny and cheery disposition. Basilla (was I the only one surprised he was still there? I thought he just signed a season long contract?) and Whitehead (who really should have been in Team 2 – that is the first team that played in the first half) were in central midfield. Murphy played alongside Kyle. God only knows what Murphy will be like. He certainly was no Prem player but to be honest as a team we were so far off the pace it is impossible to judge if he could be a decent CCC player or if he should go back to Waterford.
Welsh played on the right (see Lawrence and Smith).
The second half was actually better although we were finding ourselves easily distracted. The players were all just sitting on the grass in front of us and Arca was getting treatment at the side of the pitch. A lass, who will be well known to anyone who travels regularly (she is not the brightest of buttons) was maintaining a non-stop one-sided conversation with him. If he was in two minds about the Espanyol offer, after this he’ll certainly be off. Some lads did ask him directly and he said he hoped he was staying but what was he going to do: pull his Easyjet tickets to the Costa Blanca out of his shorts and shout “one last twirl and I’m off to Stanstead”? We also decided to join in the team instructions for Forest Green Rovers which kept us amused for a few minutes – whether it either amused them or put them off is subject to some doubt but you don’t get the chance to do this sort of thing at Old Trafford.
Gary Owers came on for the last 15 minutes, which increased the entertainment value. He actually did a couple of good passes and didn’t look anywhere near as out of condition as I’d thought he would be. Top of the entertainments stakes though was a hard ball out of defence that Kyle went to trap on his chest but it hit him in the stomach, completely winding him, and rebounded 20 yards back to a Forest Green player. The referee, who was close to Kyle had a really hard time not bursting out laughing. In fact other than that classic Kyler moment he was canny and actually set up both second half goals but the tummy trap will be the thing that sticks in our minds.
You want to know about the goals? Is there no limit to your demands? Arca turned and crossed with his right (I know – it was as surprising at the time as it reads now) for Lawrence to take a break from his “good work-out” and head in at the far post. Murphy spun spectacularly from the inside right channel to score a sexy looking goal (and start a debate as to whether it was a scissor kick and what exactly was a scissor kick). Whitehead blasted one in from about the same position.
There you go. 500 SAFC supporters. Lots of sun. The right amount of beer. And our fourth victory of this calendar year. Bring on the Irish.