Discussion in 'Pure Football' started by fishboy, Aug 5, 2011.
Love the daily mash.
Clubs line up to tell Barton to do one
NEWCASTLE United have admitted they have been deluged with offers from clubs wanting to show Joey Barton exactly where the sun does not shine.
Barton watches as Sam Allardyce holds up a piece of paper saying 'cock off'
Barton had the final year of his contract terminated when start-of-season medical tests showed he was still an arsehole. He is now the subject of an intense bidding war amongst managers eager to dance around him flicking the V sign.
Newcastle chairman Mike Ashley said: "We’ve had a delegation from the Kingdom of Tonga arrive asking if they can wave their bottoms at him and then go home again. We're even getting club owners from other sports asking if they can discuss having nothing to do with him."
Barton is currently training on his own in a viewing pen several miles from St James Park and Ashley has tried to recoup some money from his departure by charging managers to watch him forlornly trudge up and down, shouting abuse at the training cones.
A small restaurant has been set up next to the pen, as well as a souvenir stand featuring shirts saying 'My Manager Went To Newcastle & All He Got Was To Tell Joey Barton To Go Fuck Himself'.
But the biggest windfall could come from an unprecedented £15m up-yours bid from Manchester City, which would break the British spending record for telling a player to piss up a rope.
Roberto Mancini said: "We're going to buy four airships, decorated by Banksy and fitted with loudspeakers playing Bigmouth Strikes Again.
"Once we know we’ve got his attention they will fly in formation so they spell out the phrase 'In your dreams, you gobshite twat'.
"I think it shows once and for all the level of ambition at this great club."
funny as fck that like.
Here's one from the News Grind as well, they're getting hammered;
Joey Barton latest: Newcastle United rethink sign-a-lunatic transfer policy
Toon boss Alan Pardew fears Newcastle United may be forced to start a season without a recognised idiot in the side for the first time in decades.
“Losing a Grade A fruitcake like Joey Barton so close to the big Premier League kick off is a massive blow,” said Pardew, “and a first for the club in recent years.
“So much of our preparation has been around employing a moron like Barton to shaft our chances left, right and centre, now all that hard work has been undone.”
The St James’s Park outfit has relied on a steady stream of cretins in the team to derail any hopes of silverware since their last trophy win back in 1969.
And club historian Walter Greendale, 87, fears moves to abandon Newcastle’s much-vaunted “sign-a-simpleton policy may have serious consequences for the Tyneside club.
“Newcastle fans turn up to watch their side implode not win trophies,” he said.
“Goals and winning games are all very well for your Manchester Uniteds and Liverpools, but Toon fans prefer to see their players going off the rails in spectacular fashion.
“Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer fighting on the pitch, Barton getting banged up, Craig Bellamy ranting against Shearer … that’s what they’ve come to expect.
“To start playing football could be a disaster. The last time we did that, only the late intervention of a hysterical Kevin Keegan squealing ‘I’d love it’ on TV managed to save us from winning a league title.”
Newcastle fans last night gathered outside St James’s Park calling for club owner Mike Ashley to resign.
“He’s making a mockery of this club,” said Toon fan Tony Superkev Number 9 Smith, 27, of Birtley, “We want our loonies.”
NUFC fan Alan Shearer Shearer Todd, 31, of Gateshead, said: “Ashley did us proud when he brought in barking mad Joe Kinnear as manager, but recently he’s let us down big style.
“Getting rid of home-grown mentalist Andy Carroll has done us no favours. And no sooner does Nile Ranger show traditional brainless Toon prowess, getting pictured in the tabloids brandishing a handgun, than the club put him up for sale.
“This guy has no respect for Newcastle’s decades of dimwittery.”
As The News Grind went to press, Paul Gascoigne was reportedly heading to St James’s Park in his dressing gown armed with a fishing rod and a roast chicken.
From the Daily Mash vaults. I know it's hardly topical but what the fuck:
Newcastle Alienate Remaining Fans With New Away Kit
THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.
You can suck Steven Taylor for up to an hour
The kit was designed by lifelong Sunderland fan Tom Logan, who said he spent weeks searching for just the right shades of yellow.
He added: "I wanted something that said 'piss', but combined both the pale yellow of a poor person who drinks too much with the dark yellow of a person who buys rich food that they can't really afford."
The kit will go on sale next week, priced to meet the value for money expectations of gullible, colour-blind halfwits.
Meanwhile the board hopes its latest move will constitute the final straw so the club can finally be wound down and sold off at a car-boot sale in Whitley Bay.
Chairman Mike Ashley said: "I'll be honest, at this point we're so brassic we're accepting Nectar Points and handjobs just to make ends meet."
He added: "It's been tough - re-employing Keegan, absurdly expensive season tickets, Dennis Wise - but this should finally enable me to flatten St James's Park and use the land for raising goats."
Defender Steven Taylor, who modelled the strip, said: "This is possibly the biggest tit I've felt since joining Newcastle, and I spend most of the season being dumped on my arse while the opposition hoof the ball into the roof of the net."
Newcastle fan Martin Bishop added: "I've followed the Toon since Jackie Milburn but if I go around wearing that, people will automatically think I've just escaped from a parade that celebrates alternative lifestyles."
That's very funny!!
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