Dealing with a family death

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Sorry for your families loss.

Its horrendous but three times the
limit he could have impacted many more families than yours.

Doesnt lessen impact though
 


My sister found her son dead in bed this morning, he had a bad car crash 3 weeks ago due to him being 3 times over the limit.

He was only 24.

I can't get the thought out of my head that he brought it all on himself, I don't seem to have any empathy with the rest of the family claiming it's so unfair.

Anyone else had this?

Sorry for your loss, it's a horrendous time made even harder if you're a tad angry about it.

My uncle died a few month back now from cancer and I felt the same, cancer is awful, But it wasn't the cancer that killed him in the end, he was 47, left 5 kids, his wife in debt, no life insurance nothing.

He was a heavy drinker and smoker all his life, was in hospital with pneumonia and decided he wanted a drink, got up without telling anyone, left the hospital, went to the pub and had a massive heart attack in the pub just as he got there. Kids and all sorts in there, had to see him die like that. My cousin had to take the call from the hospital.

I loved him dearly, he was always someone who I trusted and would turn to but I'm still so angry at what he's done and how selfish he was, he was a nightmare during Chemo and refused to stop smoking (fair enough that tbwas his choice but it could have pro longed his life a bit more)

Like I say though, he was selfish in the end and my auntie is having difficulty dealing with it, debt up to her eyeballs and 5 kids on her own is a nightmare, me, my dad (his brother) and grandad all feel the same about it.
 
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My sister found her son dead in bed this morning, he had a bad car crash 3 weeks ago due to him being 3 times over the limit.

He was only 24.

I can't get the thought out of my head that he brought it all on himself, I don't seem to have any empathy with the rest of the family claiming it's so unfair.

Anyone else had this?
I've had quite a cold sensible approach to most deaths in the family ,just me I suppose .How I deal with it
 
Sorry for your loss, it's a horrendous time made even harder if you're a tad angry about it.

My uncle died a few month back now from cancer and I felt the same, cancer is awful, But it wasn't the cancer that killed him in the end, he was 47, left 5 kids, his wife in debt, no life insurance nothing.

He was a heavy drinker and smoker all his life, was in hospital with pneumonia and decided he wanted a drink, got up without telling anyone, left the hospital, went to the pub and had a massive heart attack in the pub just as he got there. Kids and all sorts in there, had to see him die like that. My cousin had to take the call from the hospital.

I loved him dearly, he was always someone who I trusted and would turn to but I'm still so angry at what he's done and how selfish he was, he was a nightmare during Chemo and refused to stop smoking (fair enough that tbwas his choice but it could have pro longed his life a bit more)

Like I say though, he was selfish in the end and my auntie is having difficulty dealing with it, debt up to her eyeballs and 5 kids on her own is a nightmare, me, my dad (his brother) and grandad all feel the same about it.
That sound horrid. Blokes tend to be more selfish than lasses
 
That sound horrid. Blokes tend to be more selfish than lasses
I understand that everyone deals with things differently, especially being told they have cancer, like obviously I can't imagine it.

He found out New Year'a Eve and died in August.
He didn't even leave passwords for the accounts on the laptop, she eventually found literally thousands of debt she had no idea they had, felt awful for her, but to be fair she's in debt, lending money off family members yet just bought herself a brand new Mini Cooper with a personalised license plate to "cheer herself up" so it's hard to find sympathy for her, it's the kids I feel for.
 
I understand that everyone deals with things differently, especially being told they have cancer, like obviously I can't imagine it.

He found out New Year'a Eve and died in August.
He didn't even leave passwords for the accounts on the laptop, she eventually found literally thousands of debt she had no idea they had, felt awful for her, but to be fair she's in debt, lending money off family members yet just bought herself a brand new Mini Cooper with a personalised license plate to "cheer herself up" so it's hard to find sympathy for her, it's the kids I feel for.

For any loans or card debt to pass on to her they would have to have been in both their names so I don't see how she could have been totally ignorant to it.
 
For any loans or card debt to pass on to her they would have to have been in both their names so I don't see how she could have been totally ignorant to it.


without any life insurance or his wage etc she will struggle to pay debts off, there was a credit that he had used that was joint that she didn't know about (she knew about the card, not his spending on them) I know something to do with the house is happening as well, something to do with missed payments, they had a weird set up that she paid the council tax and shopping etc he paid the mortgage, water, gas and electric etc
 
My sister found her son dead in bed this morning, he had a bad car crash 3 weeks ago due to him being 3 times over the limit.

He was only 24.

I can't get the thought out of my head that he brought it all on himself, I don't seem to have any empathy with the rest of the family claiming it's so unfair.

Anyone else had this?
Did he die as a result of the car crash or did he take his own life?
 
I'm at a loss at how I can be there for my lass, except take all the shit she throws at me.

Her mother is 86 and her family are all around her hospital bed holding hands as her Mother says "it's time to die" and she doesn't, holding on for days, weeks...who knows?

Members of the family taking turns to stay with her until that last moment.

I'll just stand by her and take the flack like.
 
My sister found her son dead in bed this morning, he had a bad car crash 3 weeks ago due to him being 3 times over the limit.

He was only 24.

I can't get the thought out of my head that he brought it all on himself, I don't seem to have any empathy with the rest of the family claiming it's so unfair.

Anyone else had this?
Displacement perhaps? You're angry at the loss of a young man, you've turned it on to him. Very natural, i did it myself when bereaved. Just hide it from the rest of the family.
 
My sister found her son dead in bed this morning, he had a bad car crash 3 weeks ago due to him being 3 times over the limit.

He was only 24.

I can't get the thought out of my head that he brought it all on himself, I don't seem to have any empathy with the rest of the family claiming it's so unfair.

Anyone else had this?
He died from his injuries? Why wasn't he in hospital?
 
My Aunt died of lung cancer several years ago. She was only in her 40's, an absolute tragedy but she smoked like a trooper. Brought it all on herself I'm afraid.

Both of her kids were in their teens and single when she died. She missed both of their weddings and the birth and lives of 4 grandkids.

It also made me think that smoking is for f***ing mugs.
 
My sister found her son dead in bed this morning, he had a bad car crash 3 weeks ago due to him being 3 times over the limit.

He was only 24.

I can't get the thought out of my head that he brought it all on himself, I don't seem to have any empathy with the rest of the family claiming it's so unfair.

Anyone else had this?

Tragic for sure and awful for your family. As someone who does not know them Im afraid I totally get your position that he brought it on himself.......My real issue however is that all too often those who do this walk away having maimed or killed innocent people. That is not to say I dont mourn the death of any young person, it is utterly tragic a young lad died after making such a stupid mistake. Thankfully nobody else was dragged into this tragedy although I 100% feel for your family who did not ask for this and will undoubtedly be suffering even more because it was so avoidable.

My personal advice would be to make all the right noises in the right places and keep your opinions private no matter how justified they are. People will be hurting enough already, they will undoubtedly be thinking just like you but on this occasion I think that mentioning the elephant in the room benefits nobody
 
Sorry to hear that and I feel for your sister having to bury her son. That must be such a hard thing for a parent to go through.

It's hard to know how to feel. Did he drink and drive regular, in which case it is like the relatives who've been mentioned who smoked, drank etc., against medial advice. If he's never done it before, it could have been one of those stupid mistake that end tragically. Definitely don't mention your feelings to the family though.
 
My stepson died seven months ago, only 23. Fentanyl OD...I'd told him to leave the house six months earlier cos he'd taken to stealing stuff from his mom and dealing drugs as well..didnt realize he was as addicted as he was. So there's guilt in among the sorrow..but you do what seems best at the time. he wasnt a bad lad at all. One pill of that stuff can kill someone..already this year in this provincve about 260 deaths, vast majority little more than kids.

Was my wife's only child. You don't get over such things, you just try to live with them.
 
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