Sgt Wilko's Lazy Tarts club band

MikeySmith · 11th December 2002, 08:38 AM

In my despair yesterday I was endlessly emailed by "sympathetic" colleagues about Monday's result. One mentioned "Sgt. Wilko's Lonely Hearts Club band".

Abandoning all ideas of work, I tried to rewrite the infamous Beatles album to reflect my misery. I managed the first 3 songs. Any contributions welcome...

It was many weeks ago today,
Sgt. Wilko taught the Band to play
They've been found out and have got no style
But in Newcastle they will raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you
A game that seems to last for years,
Sgt. Wilko's Lazy Tarts Club Band.
We're Sgt. Wilko's Lazy Tarts Club Band,
We know you won't enjoy the show,
We're Sgt. Wilko's Lazy Tarts Club Band,
We'll sit back and let the evening go.
Sgt. Wilko's lazy, Sgt. Wilko's lazy,
Sgt. Wilko's Lazy Tarts Club Band.
It's wonderful to be paid,
Ten's of grand a week. You're such a stupid audience,
We like to take you cash with us,
We love to take you cash.
I don't really want to stop the show, But I thought that you might like to
know,
That the opposition's gonna score,
And you're all going out the door.
So let me introduce to you
The one and only Wilkinson
And Sgt. Wilko's Lazy Tarts Club Band.

Willlll-kinnnnn-sonnnnn

What would you think if I ran out of ideas
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Give us your cash and we'll show you a game
You see eight at the back is the key

Oh, I get by with a little cash from the fans
Mm, I get high with a little cash from the fans
Mm, gonna try with a little cash from the fans

What do I do when things don't go our way
(Does it worry you to play Kilbane?)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you've got McCann?)

No, I get by with a little cash from the fans
Mm, get high with a little cash from the fans
Mm, gonna try with a little cash from the fans

Do I need anybody?
(We need somebody to create)
Could it be David Batty?
(Batty we really hate)

(Would you believe we could be so shite?)
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see at the Stadium of Light)
Empty seats everywhere except mine

Oh, I get by with a little cash from the fans
Mm, get high with a little cash from the fans
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little cash from the fans

(Will you buy anybody?)
Lee Chapman's top of my list
(Can he still play footie?)
He plays like he is pissed

Oh, I get by with a little cash from the fans
Mm, gonna try with a little cash from the fans
Oh I get high with a little cash from the fans
Yes, I get by with a little cash from the fans

With a little cash from the fans

Picture yourself in a ground by a river
With red and white stripes and City on Sky
City will score two, you realise quite slowly
The boy with the season ticket cries

Cellophane players of yellow and yellow
Cowering under your gaze
Look for the boy with the Spurs in his eyes
And he's gone

Makems on the Sky with City
Makems on the Sky with City
Makems on the Sky with City
Ahhhhhh...

Follow him down to a pub by the river
Where Tore Andre Flo eats many mince pies
Everyone frowns as City drift past the players
The scoreline's incredibly high

Paperweight players who cannot quite score
Waiting for transfers away
Cry in the back with you head in your hands
And you're down

Makems on the Sky with City
Makems on the Sky with City
Makems on the Sky with City
Ahhhhhh....

Picture yourself in seat in the North Stand
With yellow-clad stewards and tears in your eyes
Suddenly everyone heads for the turnstile
The boy with the season ticket cries

Makems on the Sky with City
Makems on the Sky with City
Makems on the Sky with City