1) The Eternal Optimist
Don’t worry about a thing, ‘cos every seemingly ridiculous signing will be alright. Sold your best striker and replaced him with a dud from the second tier of French football? Eh, it can be hard to score goals in that division, English football will suit him. The Eternal Optimist will spin everything so that it makes perfect sense.
Natural Habitat: A Betting Shop
Most likely to say: “The manager knows what he’s doing.”
Least likely to say: “We’ve signed WHO?”
2) The Football Manager Addict
Never heard of a player and have no idea how he’d fit in at your club? Just find the Football Manager Addict. They’ll be able to give you a rundown of his strengths, weaknesses, positional ability, shot strength, attitude, sell-on value and how good they’ll be in five years. Who needs to actually watch football anyway!?
Natural Habitat: University Halls of Residence
Most likely to say: “I know it’s not real BUT...”
Least likely to say: “I’ve renewed my season ticket.”
3) The Apathetic
Jaded by years of transfer windows these people have seen it all. Cynical about any link with a player they take everything with a tonne of salt. Always ready to hose down your excitement about the possibility of a signing, frustratingly they’re correct more often than not.
Natural Habitat: On a Higher Plane
Most likely to say: ‘There’s no point speculating until he’s pictured with the shirt on.’
Least likely to say: “The deal is almost done, I read it on Twitter.”
4) The Committed Pessimist
It’s all going wrong. It is. Perhaps they predicted doom wrongly last year but this time they really mean it. The club is going the wrong way. A slippery slope to nowhere. So you’ve just signed a world class player? Pah, what’s world class these days? He could get injured on the first day of the season and then what? A new keeper, two defenders, a midfielder or three, and a top class striker are essential to avoid the fate they are predicting – and even then it will be a close run thing.
Natural Habitat: Football Forums
Most likely to say: “I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist.”
Least likely to say: “We’re looking good for next season.”
5) The In-The-Know
This creature literally thrives at this time of year and is lesser spotted outside of it. They won’t reveal why they know what they know but they’ll tell you that they know it. They just know y’know. They know what you don’t know but would like to know yet they never know anything that would be boring to know as that wouldn’t be worth them knowing. Now you know.
Natural Habitat: In the Pub or on Twitter
Most likely to say: “Just trust me.”
Least likely to say: “I’ve no idea.”
6) The Wind-up Merchant
Of course your best player wants to leave, you’re a small club. Last season was your peak and so next season will be your trough. Its better you accept it now. You’re a selling club. Not in the market for best players. Basically find the most controversial angle on any subject and the Wind Up Merchant will take it to a new level.
Natural Habitat: On the payroll at TalkSPORT
Most likely to say: “If you disagree, you know how to get in touch.”
Least likely to say: “I could be wrong as it’s just my opinion after all.”
7) The Sufferer of Premature Elation
A lack of football can lead to a certain level of delirium for these people. Just the slightest rumour can result in them proposing formations for next season to suit the player's strengths, making up chants, and contacting the club shop to see what number shirt the player will be wearing.
Natural Habitat: Pacing Any Room Repeatedly
Most likely to say: "Where should I get the tattoo?"
Least likely to say: "It'll never happen."