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Write and store
10:29 PM, Saturday, July 12, 2008
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Every morning, me old Aunt Emma used to get up, at 5 o’clock, to bake an oven-bottom cake…
Writing is sometimes a weird thing to do.
I remember back at Grammar school we were always pressed to write something for the school magazine. Each year we all dutifully tried our best, but nothing was ever chosen from my little ‘circle’. One year we were pressed particularly hard by a teacher to come up with something and in a fit of pique I very quickly wrote a simplistic, stupid little poem to highlight the futility of it all. It was the only thing I ever had published in the school magazine….
Every morning me old Aunt Emma used to get up at half past 4, to brasso the step…
Supermarkets and women shoppers.
I stand eagerly ready to fill a shelf, 12 cartons of Muller ‘Crunch Corner’ yogurts balanced adroitly in my expert hands, but the female shopper bends uncertainly to the shelf, stops, hovers for a second, picks up one carton nervously, looks at it unsurely, hesitates, starts to put it back, stops, looks again, pauses, puts it back, picks up the next one, pauses… WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON??? The biggest difference between men and women is in the supermarket. I have a plan. It’s brilliant. I could make my fortune tomorrow, but no – I will philanthropically share it with you. Make 2 kinds of supermarket. Female supermarkets – which consist of many ‘islands’, each of which contains just one of absolutely everything, so women shoppers can browse away at just one island, instead of having to browse the entire store (and getting in the way of employees…), with parking bays by each island so they can park their trolleys while they chat… and male supermarkets, which are arranged alphabetically in strict parallel aisles, (except the heavy slabs of beer are at the checkouts – to save having to carry them too far, obviously…)
And every morning me old Aunt Emma used to get up at 4 o’clock to black lead the grate… and did she complain, eh, eh?
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