What? What the Jesus suffering fuck?  "Have a Happy Period"?  Fuck off you twats.

I know that marketing cunts have it hard selling sanitary products.  After all, one bit of cotton wool is very much like another bit of cotton wool.  Convincing someone to choose your bit of cotton wool over your competitors bit of cotton wool is a bit of a conundrum.

I will grudgingly accept that a bit of artistic licence given the nature of the product.  That's why we see a woman on rollerblades clinging to a pack of dogs as they drag her down a road rather than a woman in bed clinging to a hotwater bottle.  That’s why gimmicky shite like wings and landing gear and God knows what else was designed and peddled by Claire Rainer et al.

But... "Have a Happy Period"?  Fuck right off.  Will we be seeing Clinton selling cards?  Oh fuck, a quick websearch shows you can get "Have a Happy Period" eCards on the Always website.  The twats.  Can we expect Ovent calendars with a Feminax behind each door?  Bastards.

What next?  "Andrex: Have a nice dump"?

Any journalists reading this may be surprised to know that the scandal that brought down the Nixon Whitehouse did not occur at the Water hotel.  It happened at the “Watergate” hotel.  That sentence was written as I passed through East London on the train.  It was possible to hear the scratching of empty heads and the gasp of “Surely it should have been called the Watergategate scandal?”  No, my dear hack, it is only since Watergate that you and your deservedly maligned ilk have been grafting “gate” to the end of any word even slightly associated with a cloak and dagger taping incident.

We’ve had Dianagate, Fake-Sheikgate, Camillagate, Cherigate, Squidgygate, Pizzagate (or was it Pea-soupgate?), Fariagate et cetera ad nauseam.  The list is near endless.  I look forward with trepidation to the secret taping of the animal rights activist describing their fight against bloodsports (“badger baiter hater gate”) or the admission to a honeytrap of the homophobic restaurant employee with a penchant for eating reptile meat after hours (“straighter waiter ate a gator later gate”).  At what point will dull journos stop writing this pointless rubbish?  Never, I fear.

Which brings us to Villagate.  Glancing at a fellow commuter’s newspaper this morning, I was aghast to see that David O’Leary had been brought down by “Villagate”.  You must understand, I was not aghast that David O’Leary had left Aston Villa – I couldn’t give a toss either way.  I was aghast to our old friend “gate” make another pointless appearance because some tired old hack can’t be arsed to write in English.  What is “special” about this is that there is no “gate”.  There was no secret taping, no honeytrap, no attempted cover up, nothing.  Several Villa players made a statement in a news briefing to the effect that Villa are shit.  Oh, there may be questions over the manager’s involvement or the motivation of the players involved, but it’s hardly gate territory if people go around making statements to journalists, is it?  Even if there was some subtle, hidden undertone, it brings us back to my first point – STOP USING GATE AS A SUFFIX YOU FUCKING CLICHÉ MONKEY!

Until this ridiculous practice ends, I shall be joining the pointless, annoying suffix brigade. 

Henceforth, I will be appending the word “journalist” with the phrase “cunty-poo-smacker”, for no particular reason.

In other news, a 13-year-old boy wore a skirt to school to highlight the stupid policy that did not allow the boys to wear shorts, even in the hottest weather.  Congratulations must go to him for striking a blow against sex discrimination and for being bullied. 

Well done, lad!  Your bruised body will heal and your crushed soul will serve you well in the real world.