Well, what a grand weekend, and I spent the majority of it lazing in my park and wandering through the old woodlands. Read a lot and enjoyed watching people pitching up to the golf hole in front of me (I've popped some pretty tatty pictures from my phone up on here as well as a photo of my road which is looking very pretty this time of year. Well, I'm saying I have when I haven't attempted it yet). Was just really relaxing, but now I'm faced with my test at the end of the week and truth be told, I'm terrified already. I got through the weekend by thinking it was technically 'next week' whereas now it is certainly 'this week'. I realise it will probably all go fine, I will sedated to another world....jobs a good 'un. But, I think it is all just psychological. Ever since that horrid time I had it done in Sunderland General it has lived to remind me of everything that is terrifying of hospitals. With the sedative not taking effect and people just pushing a camera down my throat while I gagged with a brace in my mouth has given me nightmares ever since. The camera up the arse wasn't so bad, more the dignity holiday that was involved with that was what was distressing. Except when they took the camera out and it felt like having a huge shit. I thought I had shat when it happened. I Can't imagine it would be nice being shagged up the arse if it just feels like doing a shit. I'm going to go down to Beachy Head on the saturday I reckon, as a treat after my ordeal. For all the tired suicidal/miserable gags that people on the board make, I keep stressing that nothing could be further from the truth, and I realise going to Beachy Head only makes that worse but I genuinely find it a really peaceful and serene place. I'll take some food down and sit on the clifftops and just have a wee think. The view is gorgeous and, I dunno, I just really love the place. I don't understand how people can top themselves standing there, as although it is surely a very effective suicide spot it is also really beautiful.
I'm just really scared about it all and want it all over with. It's silly but I am aware my condition makes me more suseptable to bowel cancer and I keep having dark thoughts about them finding it, even though it is incredibly unlikely. I just want to forget all about having this condition, it's the way I have always approached it, to just get on with my life and ignore it all. I don't take any mdeication for it or anything and having this test done just brings it all flooding back, horrible teenage years being given difficult news and having a range of horrible tests.
My blog will be back to normal soon enough, I just want to get through this week for now so apologies to anyone reading for this boring shite, but I'm just, well, terrified. Roll on friday afternoon when all this will be over....
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