alreet there my amazing friends?

Apologies for no blogs as of late. But it is fair to say in the main I have been feeling grade 1 crap.  It really is the most seriously difficult time I’ve ever been through in my life - without question.  I remember I’ve had my penicillin allergy which was very serious - throat closing up and stuff (luckily not fully) where I felt truly fucking vile for a number of weeks. I’ve also had a very, very serious case of flu, which only post event was I told just how serious it was and  I’ve had the horrible recovery from the op in Germany and subsequent problems with the drainage pipe when  returned home. They were very hard but not a patch on what I’m feeling today. I’ll name the list:

·                     Puking issues

·                     Acid issues

·                     Hiccups all day, (it really isn’t funny after half an hour)

·                     Extreme tiredness, ( even when I’ve had a good nap, I just feel like having another)

·                     Zero appetite

·                     and I’ve poo’d a mountain of shit. Every hour my body sends me to unleash another fucking load. I really am lost as to how many times I’ve been today and how my belly could physically hold this. 

There must just be a backlog from a little bit of morphine constipation  But all in one day, when you’re feeling dog tired it is very, very annoying  And I think if you collected up the total volume of what I have poo'd out today, it would make up quite a large buckets worth, which is deeply unpleasant. And the last thing you want to do is go to the toilet a lot when your feeling really tired. So I’ve had to have the missus or my dad quite literally hoist me out of my position on the settee and onto my feet. As another aside I’m dizzy as fuck. I’ve also got horrendously dry skin on certain parts of my body.  This has left me with a flaky face like some kind of low grade leper and hands that are cracked and dry and ugly.  Oh almost forgot, have I mentioned the agonising stomach pains. Truly, truly horrific, (Or as King Willy says in Predator 2 in a heavy Jamaican accent “ Dread man, truuuuuly dread”,which is only helped by administering a dose of morphine, which hardly helps with the tiredness. At one point it was so bad I retired to the bedroom and lay on the bed, I had the missus to the left of me, my mam to the right of me all holding my hands fussing me and my Dad at the bottom of the bed rubbing my feet for me.  It felt so magical, I felt so peacefully being surrounded by the people I love. all just wanting to take away this pain I was crippled with.

On the plus side I used my Zopiclone sleeping tablet again last night, which I have used with too many expectation in the past (as I can only take the lower dose), thinking it would knock me right out within half an hour. But as I lay there I felt a delicious warm fuzzy edge descend over all the objects, so that nothing was truly distracting in my mind. Yeah it just really softened the edges of my mind really nicely and I had a very good night sleep on it.

I had a canny day yesterday as well.  Well, the second half, the morning was the usual pile of shit, as pretty much every morning is these days.  But that’s the way the cooky crumbles. I read this back and it sounds like such big fucking winge, which I hate to think of it being but all I’m trying to do is relay my experiences in the most honest way possible, as I have always done through this cancer experience. But still it must be a bit tiresome to read when it is not quite so jocular as usual.  But in all honesty without my incredible wife, the support and love of my family and obviously the love from my wife. Without those and my love for them, I could see many people opting to accidently give themselves the wrong morphine dose.  And I couldn’t tell if one of them wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have my family and my oh so amazing wife, because I can’t bear to contemplate getting by without them being around. That would be the stiff of nightmares to me. Yet some people must do it and obviously not opt to take the misery away. And they must be truly, truly, truly remarkable people.    I can’t even imagine how they could do it.

There’s been lots of other interesting incidents in my life but I don’t really have the time to run through as I want to get snuggled down fairly early, so instead I’ll leave you with a poem.

My love for all burns timeless, beyond this frail prison of a body. One day I shall burst forth leaving behind my tiny shell. Ill span the universe, al the while watching over you, from my ageless dominion. I’ll always be near, whispering words you can’t hear but you’ll always feel the warmth of my supernova heart.

Good night

From Graeme