Hello there everyone, well first of all, apologies for lack of blogs these last few days, not thru lack of material, just thru lack of health to be able to type them. It’s been a really, really rubbish past few days.
Well first of all, all my skin has been falling off like a snake shedding its skin. It started with massive chemo burns down the inside of my legs which scabbed and fell off, revealing new skin before healing. This has now spread all over my body, so every bit of skin is gradually coming off. This is partially a pain, but also refreshing to have a new fresh skin come out underneath. The chemo had darkened the pigment of my skin and made it very wrinkly (which was quite depressing) so I won’t miss that layer falling off and having pinky young skin back again.
Secondly, my oral fungal infection returned with a vengeance. This has made me feel absolutely terrible and has also meant I can’t even kiss the wife for risk of it spreading. It always makes me feel terrible, so to have it return now is really disheartening just when I thought I was free. I should have it knocked on the head in a couple of days - but it just had to be Christmas didn’t it!
Thirdly, my crown fell off when I ate a fruit pastille in the cinema. I pushed it back on, but then it became painful. It was lovely to discover that my current dentist was shut until Jan 2nd with no emergency options available. Thus followed a panicked search for a local dentist who could do something for an unregistered patient at this time of the year - not the easiest thing. Thankfully I found a wonderful surgery whom are very posh and professional and they went to the effort of opening up Christmas Eve just for me - but more about that another time.
Fourth, I am unfortunately still having to sleep on the settee due to terrible acid reflux problems. This has been especially hard because the highlight of any day of mine is always cuddling up to the missus in bed. Unfortunately I had a terrible nights sleep last night and so ended up getting two hours sleep (which is of little use to anyone) and I felt shocking most of the day. Only the constant attention of my amazing wife has got me to the other side where I feel 100% improved now.
And lastly, I was given uncoated steroids by accident which have torn my stomach to shreds.
I never mean to moan or get dragged down but all these things combined, especially at Christmas, has really knocked me for six. I hate seeing my wife upset, just wishing she could share some of my heavy load, as do my family. It must be very hard for them watching a loved one really struggling to keep his spirits up when there’s so much to bear. I know vice versa I would be terribly upset and guilty, even though that is illogical - sorry to sound a bit Spock there. It has been a very hard couple of days and it is not often you hear me say that. I can’t imagine what I would do without Liz - always my rock, my angel, my saviour and my love. I think our relationship has seen three life times worth of woe and heartache, but as a consequence of getting through that, three life times worth of loving moments. I should stop wingeing now, I do apologise, I just wish to show all facets of my journey with cancer, but also just to highlight how integral Liz is to me coping. Because she is always there through everything and I mean everything.
A curious incident happened the other day. Every once in a while I hear this almost Ethereal music which I thought was piano playing. It never bothers me, quite the opposite. It is outstandingly beautiful. Whenever I hear it I endeavour to turn of the tv, stop what I am doing and just spend some time listening. I heard it start up the other day. And as part of my newfound confidence I suddenly decided to go and find the source. First port of call was the flat directly above, so I ventured upstairs. I first waited to see if I could hear it coming through their front door. That sounds odd. I don’t mean me stood there with a glass to their front door. It was clearly coming from their flat so I thought ‘fuck this, Ill give them a knock and if it is a CD, at least ask the name of it’. So I knocked on the door. I had met them once before and they were lovely. I said ‘sorry to bother you, are you listening to a piano or something?’ He replied with ‘no actually, it’s my wife practicing the harp’. He was immediately concerned that it was bothering me, but I assured him straight away that it was just because it was so beautiful that I had to find out its origin and I let him know that I love listening to it. He was very chuffed and said he would go and tell his wife what I said. So I got back in the flat and it had stopped! This had me worried that I had said the wrong thing so I wrote them a little note saying ‘I hope I haven’t said the wrong thing, I just wanted to tell the musician that I found it amazing. I made it clear it wasn’t deafening or owt, I had to turn off the tv to even hear it really and to please, please continue it at whatever hour because it stops me in my tracks and genuinely makes my day when I get a chance to listen to it. I also added (because I get a bit paranoid about it) that I wasn’t some dole waller / unemployable wretch who cabbaged on the settee all day (because people can see into the flat from our patio door, so will see me there every day horizontal on the settee). I explained I was off work with the big C and that’s why I’m always in lazing around. I wished them a Merry Christmas and signed off the note. I quickly popped upstairs and dropped it off but they will have heard the letterbox twang. I got downstairs and was overjoyed to hear it start up again. I turned out all the lights, lay on the settee and just listened to this beautiful harp music . How impressive is it playing the fucking harp? I was amazed by that. We really wanted at our original (planned) wedding ceremony to include a harpist for the evening as we thought the atmosphere would be brilliant and it is just amazing watching someone play such a beautiful instrument. The music went on for about 40 minutes and I was in heaven lying here listening to it, a nice incident all round.
I have so much more news but it is all a bit much for the minute. My one highlight of late has been the occasional colossal shits that I do. I had to recover for around three quarters of an hour this morning as I felt so drained and relieved after pushing what must have been at least a couple of pounds worth of shit out of my arse. It totally caught me off guard because I was expecting one of my usual far smaller scale poos that come more regularly (annoyingly so), so to have that shit out of the blue when I was unprepared was quite alarming, but also terribly enjoyable. And it also leaves me knowing I wont be having a shit for at least an other four hours. I have had about four of these on different days recently and it is quite a surprise to have one when you least expect it, but a very welcome surprise, if also slightly scary.
So to wrap up, people said to make this a Christmas message from me. Id imagine it is a bit diff from the queen’s -init! So here goes.
I just want to say that I feel privileged to have had this space to talk in and to have so many people listen to me and enjoy my writings. It really has given me a sense of purpose these last few months, but it has also been so rewarding that it finally feels like I am doing something worthwhile with my life, by hopefully inspiring you lot and giving you a giggle - I hope! Despite all my recent issues, I am still thinking ‘well yeah, fuck you, I’m going to have a fucking great Christmas no matter how hard you try to ruin it, my dark friend’. These trials can only hurt you if you let them. I always bear in mind that time inevitably passes. This will all be a memory (a bad one) soon enough, as will everything. So when you see everyone today, all your loved ones, all your distant relations, bear in mind that time passes, things change, people live and people die. We just have to make the most of the now. So to avoid it being a bad memory, instead of thinking ‘what a chore’, the day will be thinking about how much you love your family and each of their personalities, because one day they wont be there. And one day you won’t be there. So truly cherish the moment. Laugh, smile, hug, and revel in their company. Because it is a cliché, but a true one that life is so terribly fragile that you really need to appreciate it and the time we get. You never know when something could strike like it has struck me, out of the blue. At 30 years old. I look back even a year today to what was the happiest day of my life. I had proposed to Liz on wind-swept deserted Beachy Head in the freezing cold as we hugged each-other to keep warm. It truly was the most perfect moment I could ever have dreamed of. That night if someone had told me then what I am going through now I genuinely wouldn’t have believed them. So hang on to each other, its all we have and just…… love. |
