Hello everyone,

Well I had another fairly crap night.  I was set up on my bed station in the lounge and settled in and fell asleep while watching die hard (late night die hard 2 tonight…winner).  I thought ‘sod this, I want to hug the missus’ so I headed through and got in to bed.  About half an hour later I woke with hideous acid reflux, coughing like a fucker with a mouthful of the taste of bile, so back to the settee for me  L  think we have the solution to that now, it may be as simple as my steroid tablets haven’t been coated so they dissolve in my stomach causing it to be rather upset.  So I’ll get coated  tablets and it might all disappear.  Grand.

I felt a little odd when I woke up, a wee bit tense so a dose of light morphine and I was calmed.  Just to be clear again, this is very very light stuff, the equivalent of two of my painkillers, so I’m not fucking monged or owt.

We had a rush  on doing various stuff and the missus mentioned how she’d popped to the station and the disabled can park right near the entrance for nowt all day and no one was using em.  And just by good fortune, what turned up this morning but my blue spanner badge for the car!  At last,, and just before we set off an arl.  So off we popped and slipped straight in to the space and affixed our new blue badge, superb.

We jumped on the train and I was starting to feel really good, I was ready for a nice day out, even if it was just to the fucking hospital.  I enjoyed sitting on the train, I do love trains when they aint packed and stuff and you can just relax, watch the world go by with that gentle rocking motion.  Bliss.  I am reminded about how much I really want to travel on a sleeper train for a few days, just to experience it as I’ve always wanted to do it.  Made a promise to myself to scan round the internet for a journey at some point.  If I want it that bad I really should do it, get off my arse and sort it.

The tube station wasn’t too busy which made a nice change so we got ourselves on and got settled.  I was starting to bubble with feelings of intense happiness, joy and just general love of all things.  However drippy that may sound.  The middle aged woman sat opposite looked across at me and gave a really warm big smile.  Such and unusual sight on the tube, for anyone unfamiliar with London, eye contact is generally frowned upon on the tube, in a city this size there are too many people and therefore too many social freaks to risk engaging anyone.  I smiled a big smile right back to her and felt heartened.

We got through to the hospital and made our way up to the chemo ward.  I walked through the door and bumped in to the northern catering woman.  I stopped to have a wee natter, she was wondering where I had got to as I’m no longer residential.  She’s so lovely and I mentioned how chilly it was and straight away ‘do you want a pot of tea of then love?’, just the words you want to here!  ‘Get yourself comfy and I’ll bring it trough for you’, winner.  Got in to the lounge area and in comes a lovely pot of tea in a nice china teapot with a plate of ace biscuits.  Brilliant!  The little lovely Chinese head nurse popped through, who’s about 3ft tall, and took my bloods.  Now we just had a wait ahead but then in pops catering woman with a beautiful cream cheese and tomato ciabatta sandwich for me and the missus.  What a fucking star (I say it too often but man, private care, it really rules).  We then popped down to the hospital canteen for a bit something extra to eat.  Well, that was for me only, as I’m a reet fucking gannet at the minute.  In the canteen a whole parade of nurses popped to say hello before they left, they all knew my name and seemed genuinely pleased to see me.  I felt so warm and cared for and, well, I dunno, liked, I guess.  I know they all really like dealing with me as I never moan or gripe, never ring my buzzer unless necessary and I always have a smile and chat for them.  I’ve left them a card saying what wonderful people they are and how much I appreciate their support over the past year.  During our stay in the canteen a woman got her dinner and dropped a carrot, a big tall fella walked in, stepped on it, did that panicky slide thing then went flat on his arse in front of everyone.  He was obviously ok and given help but it was one of those comical falling overs you just can’t help but laugh at.  Poor fella must have felt a reet tit, and then to find out you slipped on a fucking baby carrot, humiliating.

We then quickly had a walk to Kensington shops to pick up some HMV stuff.  Saw some graffiti saying ‘and who’s going to believe you?’, hehe, I love comical graffiti like that.  I remember  story about favourite graffiti on b3ta.com.  some guy was having a shit in some toilets in one of the many huge underpasses in Croydon.  He noticed on the door an instruction to ‘follow this line’ with a dotted line leading away.  All round the cubicle it went, under the cistern, everywhere before progressing outside of it.  He finished up and followed the line as it snaked all over.  He spent ages following it and finally when he followed it under the sinks the line ended and the words at the end?  ‘cunt’.  Superb.  I love humour like that, imagine how many people have followed that only to be met with ‘cunt’. 

A young Aussie girl was so amazingly helpful in there and served us in such a friendly way, wishing us a nice Christmas, which I returned with compliments on her personality and left her with a smile, always nice.

We briskly walked back and I felt so good, so full of energy and smiles.  Got back up and the doctor had been to see me when I was out.  Bugger.  But he’d be back up before too long. 

Phew, I’ve just been for a shit after a few trying events and fuck me, what a monster.  Mountainous.  Truly huge.  I feel like a new man.

Anyway, another pot of tea.  I had written out a card for my oncologist telling him how lucky I am to be treated by him, how I really like him as a person and how he’s just generally an ace doctor.  He came in with his usual beaming face and slightly hyper attitude and I just think he’s great.  He had a chirpy chat and was very chuffed with his card.  He told me he bloods were ok and I looked really healthy and he was very pleased by how I active I was and said it appears to be holding as it isn’t advancing ‘with any great venom’, which is of course excellent news.  He flitted off but gave me a lovely warm handshake.  I was pleased by the fact he was uite nonchalant about when he would next see me, he said I could leave it 4 weeks or three or still see him in two.  We opted to see him in two but as I say, the ‘whenever’ attitude felt good.  We headed off, saying goodbye to everyone we could on the way out before popping down to the basement level to try and book and see physio fella again to get some breathing tips.  He’s back in New Zealand though so we’ll see him in January.  We had been hugging and kissing all day, like fucking teenagers or summat but as we waited for the lift me and the missus had a fab tender snog (nee one was about) and I looked in her eyes as she beamed back and that happiness just burst from us both, untouchable, totally untouchable.  We hugged, me doing my best bear hug and just felt, I dunno, the happiest I’ve ever felt I reckon, it was pure, undiluted love and happiness.  My beautiful wonderful wife, everything I am and ever could be, two fragments of one soul reunited on earth.  She’s just….perfect, if I could allow her to see just how bright my love is she’d be blinded by the beauty.  The lift opened and we parted and stepped in.

We had a lovely tube journey home, holding hands then on to the train where we got separated so I had to wait for her in the pub and we had a wee drink before heading back.  My family were really chuffed by the news.  God I love em.

My arse started to twitch so it was a bit of a struggle getting home, I hadn’t crapped at all during my outing so I knew it was going to be big.  Very big.  But my fucking god, I laid K2 (or 3) in the pan.  I was proud as punch.  More shits followed of smaller but still mountainous size,, like individual ‘shatterhorn’s.

 But I just feel so empowered with a massive amount of love for everything.  I find myself talking to all sorts of people, smiling and just exuding this ‘aura’ of happiness, which I think people gravitate towards, I find people talking to me out of the blue a lot more than previously.  I don’t know what flows through me but I see it as my God in my being, I am lit up like a candle, burning with such power, love, care and wonder fills my every cell to bursting point.  I am truly alive for the first time in my life, truly awake to everything.

Anyways, nuff for now