Hello again everyone,

Well, first things first – I…HAVE…….SLEPT!  Thank fucking be.  2 days and nights and about 3 hours sleep in that time.  Horrific.  Well, I reverted to type last night a little and only slept for 3 hours.  The trouble is I’m suffering from acid efflux during the night where acid flows back up your pipe and in to your windpipe which means you wake up with a start choking, flapping, coughing and stuff.  Which is fucking rubbish, like.  I have shitty ulcers in my gob, chemo scarring coming up on my joints, shitting rusty water….it’s all a bit, well, hard work.  So I treated myself to an Xbox 360 so I can play some first person shooters.  I love FP shooters, great stuff just, err, shooting things and that.

I had the whole family down on Saturday and it was just ace seeing them all.  I do miss them and them all turning up at once felt quite emotional although I didn’t break down crying or owt, I just felt very warm, my family and my wife all around me.  Unfortunately I felt a little bit shite due to lack of sleep and all that.  Typical.  We just chilled round the flat.  The two kids were lovely as usual, the baby was gurgling away and the older one was a little sweetpea, as usual.  He’s such a canny wee thing and apparently he loves visiting me.  He loved the fact I have cola bottles on hand as well as orange jellies, he’s just like his uncle in that respect : )   I got a wee bit tired of them by the end but I just don’t have that knack for kids, which is why I never would have had them myself, way too much patience required, I need my peace and quiet.  But getting hugs from everyone was tremendous, all different types.  The mam type hug from my mam, the massive long bear hugs from my dad (they are my faves, I must say, I could hug him for ages just to feel that almost child like protection), my brother in laws matey brother type hug and those knowing hugs form my sister.  My mam went off to make me a meal but after a bit I just wanted to go through and say it was topper to see her and give her a massive hug for ages and I could feel the tears welling up but I held them back in despite my mam telling me just to cry if I wanted to.

My mams down tomorrow while the missus goes in to work so it will be lovely to have more fussing, as if the missus wasn’t enough!  She runs round after me all the time, for everything and anything.  I try to remember not to take it for granted and thank her whenever I can.  It’s hard not to take it for granted when you’re suffering a bit and feel like everything is going against you a bit.  I have found myself snapping on occasion and immediately have to call her back to apologise as I know straight away that it is wrong and I shouldn’t do it at all when she is the whole thing that has held me together, like so many pieces of knackered machinery with a heart and head located somewhere in the creaking, spluttering parts.

But I’m not doing too bad really.  The shitting is a bit of a problem as it is fully fledged runny shite now so when I get ‘the warning’ I have seconds to get there.  Making it from the lounge to the bathroom, a matter of about a dozens paces, can be a close run thing.  Many crossing of legs have been had but disaster thankfully averted.  Had a rush back from Bromley today but I’m getting quite well practised at being calm under poo pressure so although it was an emergency I was the picture of serenity walking in to the flat before prepping the paper in the bog and sorting out the football supplement to read.

I’m really fucking regretting posting up the letter I sent to the club (Sunderland) on the messageboard.  People keep reminding me of how bad it was (and rightly so) and I feel fucking ridiculous when I read it.  What were you thinking Graeme, you fucking big gimboid nugget?  I was ashamed of the letter to begin with (it was typed in the wee small hours when insomnia had the better of me one day.  It was accordingly shit.  Cringeworthy in the embarrassment stakes) but a little coercion and I go and post it on the fucking board, opening up my ridiculousness to all concerned.  ‘Big bags of cock’ is all I can say to that decision.  Nob’ead that I so often am.

Well, I’ve gone through most of my life cringing at my behaviour so a little more won’t hurt!  It’s minor on my misdemeanour list but still worthy of being added to my huge catalogue of mistakes, outright idiocy and hideous behaviour.  I’d love to tell you all about what a daft fucking cunt I’ve been through my life but I’d be here for fucking ever.  At least I don’t have the drink making me do things that leave me ashamed for, well, ever.

I’ll write a poem tonight.  Go and give everyone close to you a big fucking hug and tell them you love them, or if you aren’t near each other, tell em you miss them.  Speak openly and honestly and show those emotions, they are all we have.