This goes out to my boy nephews, a little letter to their later lives.  Only one of them has just begun to know me and I want them to know me in some small way.  I’ve learned some insights in my paltry 30 years, granted, not as many as I would have liked but I have my time and I have my lessons.  I’m so glad I drifted away from the pub life and delved in to books to try and find some kind of answers to questions that always plagued me.  I grew wondering about why I was here, why was I inside my head, did I exist in my fingers as much as my head, where will I go at the end, why does the universe exist, what is time…the questions went on.  I tried to hide from them as they terrified me, this made me quite a dark and in penetrable person.  I couldn’t find anyone with any kind of answers, people seemed to accept things easier than I but to me it was essential that I got some answers, some kind of insight as it was bursting my head.  Eventually I found an escape in books and found to my surprise they contained people talking about these issues that I thought were just my own silly little brain meanderings.  Life, this wondrous yet terrifying thing this thing we are thrown in to without any kind of asking.  What am I?  What is my essential being?  Am I nothing but an accident of evolution, these thoughts of mine just the primitive reachings of a primitive mind.  But why would ‘I’ be in here if it was all just meaningless, why the consciousness/  What is it to be conscious?  What makes me ‘moral’?  At this point you might be thinking ‘nee wonder uncle Graeme was canny crap with relationships’, you can imagine girlfriends listening to rambles like this, they were generally met with confused looks and even once or twice with them questioning my sanity.  Go me!  Thankfully and fatefully my wife Liz entered my life and soothed my mind while listening with an open mind to my self-indulgent rambles.

Now that I am fading from this world I feel the need to share maybe some of what I’ve found. 

Forgive me if I refer to you as ‘my sons’, it’s kinda what you would have been to me as I never intended to have children so you would have been my only contact with a younger member of family.  I dreamed of being able to sit with you both and talk about the magic of the universe and what this all means to us.  I’ve indulged in theoretical physics and cosmology and all the crazy implications that go with it, I would have delighted in opening your minds to what our cosmic habitat has to offer.  Sadly I have been robbed of that opportunity, you won’t even know me Toby and I imagine your memory of me will be very faded Oli.  Regrets, regrets.  I suppose you can come to know me in some small way through my blogs, a cheap crude rendering of the whole.  I’m sure my dear sister, your mam, call recall stories about me.  Make sure you look after your mam, she truly is a diamond of a person, I’m sure you’ll realise this once you hit adulthood.  Cherish her and cherish your father.  His daft humour and warm personality have always been an inspiration to me, that warmth is a quality much overlooked.  I sometimes wish I had that deep warmth, I’m far too withdrawn myself, I’ve never really liked, errr, people, in general!  Your grandparents can teach you much, listen to them and love them and if my dad still has his boat, get out on it and take in the glory of nature. 

My sons, see the world on the deeper level, never lose sight of the wonder of all things, the fields and atoms that make up all things including your being, see those deeper levels of existence.  Never tire of life, it is far too wondrous to dismiss as an annoyance.  Never let work get you down, it’s far too meaningless to really have any right to touch you, see it as it is, a means to an end, not your lifes focus.  Indulge in nature whenever you get chance, see the glory, feel the belonging, that is where we belong, not in concrete boxes and tarmac roads.  We belong amongst the trees and birds, the foxes and bees, our true home.  We are part of the beautiful whole, never think you are detached from it all, run your hands down the bark of a tree and feel the connection, feel that power that burns in all life.  This isn’t the end, we are short lived wanderers but our being is far too precious to belong to a meaningless universe, our loves, desires, our conscious minds, they belong amongst greatness, not reduced to a crawling accident.

Love, love all that you can, don’t feel vulnerable and withdraw, open your heart and let love come forth, if you are hurt, just keep trying to love.  Love nature, love the cosmos, love humanity, despite its horrid indiscretions, love as much as you dare.

Maybe I’ll write some more but remember your uncle will be with you.

Take care my sons, take care death holds nothing over us unless we let it.