Well, an interesting day has been had today. I've had the Macmillan nurse round form the hospice,, she really is wonderful to talk to and was intrigued by my blogs and I showed her them but she said she'd have to read them while she wasn't here as she'd get upset. I thought Macmillans were immune! Well, desensitised to it all, detached i suppose as they have to be, they can't afford to get emotionally involved with each case. I felt a strange pride knowing I could make her well up witha look at my poems. That sounds a bit perverse but I don't mean it that way, honest guv. I'll be intrigued to see what she makes of them and it will give her a good inside track on the way the disease has affected me. Had to cover some pretty hard questions, they have to be done so it was deep breaths all round as we waded in. The old 'do you want to be resuscitated?' was quite a 'few, fuck me, heavy shit this is missus', looked at the missus and we went for 'no', nature takes it's course, if I was brought back I'd just have to die again soon after, which would be canny shit. Just let me fade. Once it was over I felt a great deal of relief, the ambulances all will know now to just let me die in peace. Brrr, this is canny weird aint it?
Then I watched some Bond to make me all 'gerrin!' again. Then of course I was given the missuses blog to read and my lip quivered and then my eyes pissed and pissed. I felt so at one with her when we hugged in the kitchen, holding so tight, deep breaths and tears. Then I had a shit. I must be on a good 15 poos in one twenty four period. There's a lot to shite out like. today I have eaten 'so far, tea to come) 3 bowels of cereal, one granny smith, a large waitrose pizza, egg chips and bacon, bacon sandwich, a huge spag bol, cola bottles, tub of ice cream, strawberry laces, a twix...I can't be arsed to think of the rest. I'm a bit worried about my antibiotics, don't like getting 'nervous' feelings from pills. I keep meaning to meditate at some point as I'd really like to order all this shit in my head.
Can't wait to see everyone for a drink on Monday, it will be cracking, I hope to have a great laugh, maybe a whole G&T and no doubt a few hugs, the big emotional tit that I am (I shouldn't cry though, I hope, but I've always been the emotional type, horrendously so.
(can't think of a title just now)
What are those last few moments? It feels so distant yet it remains so close, are you around this corner? When will my breaths grow hard and laboured? Hold my hand, come close, let me fall in to those beautiful eyes that have always lost me so, ignore these deadened yellow eyes and see them young and vibrant, my love shining out as the gasps grow more silent, I'll drift, opiates clouding my path, before I see, I see all, I become all and I shall live within you and around you, your forever friend and lover, whispering to you at night, the breath in your hair, the indent in your neighbouring pillow, I'll shine from the tears on your cheeks. |
