right, where were we?
Well at first the news was like a fucking huge hammer and my first reaction was to cry in the arms of my missus saying 'I'm scared liz, I'm really scared' before phoning my mam and giving the news as she tried to hold back her tears and then I said 'Im scared mam, I'm so scared'. I sat hugging the missus while we both cried our fucking eyes out and held each other like we were anchoring each other against being dragged in to some darkness. I held her so tightly you could have had ten men trying to drag me off and you would fail.
Then some divine sort of calmness swept over me like a wave, I felt empowered again, I felt like, 'fuck this, I'll try and fight this with all my heart and go down fighting and fucking smiling. Everyone has to die and you're no different Graeme, despite what your brain tries to tell you through life ('you won't die mate, you'll see, everyone else does but you become some immortal universal being or summat, trust me, don't fear it cos it won't happen, trust your brain'). We all die and that's just that but lets exercise like fuck, laugh like nothing can touch you, eat everything healthy, and that means everything Graeme loads of water...who knows? I know I have to accept the facts but I can also try and get past them. come on lad, come on back to this world and live it without fear' and then I felt myself holding the missus and telling her everything was going to be ok, I was sweeping back her tears and a smile broke out like a new dawn on her face. She felt back again from the edge and within 2 minutes we were smiling and cuddling and I phoned my mam to say 'sorry about all that, I'm ok' and she lectured me about how I needed to do exactly as I planned and I could almost feel my mam smiling again. Fuck you clouds, you cannot touch me, I have way too much love for that morbid reveling.
We spent the afternoon and night watching the telly and chatting while next to each other in the bed before she fell asleep. I delighted in watching her sleep with a contented smile, that beautiful face.
I stayed up and played some mariokart DS (good old mario, he always cheers me up) before eventually making my way to bed. I had the most fucking odd dream which was not really based in any kind of reality at all, it was just shapes and colours and forms, like what I imagine a hardcore trip would be like. I awoke from it and just couldn't get myself back top reality, I had to refamiliarise myself with the room and with static shapes and forms in general. It was very fucking weird. I woke the missus and she cuddled me as I tried to explain. I found out the next day that it will have been an effect from my painkillers. Apparently most people have either a very nice fluffy dream or the common bad one is to have little aliens at the end of your bed. Brrr, apparently, that's very common but I didn't have that. Fucking mental.
The next day we eventually got prepped with stuff and got ourselves home and fuck me did home feel great again. I was more contented due to the magical pile cream so we had a bracing late night walk together, even (and I've never liked the idea of this previously) a bath together which felt very tender and moving. Then we slept, and how we slept.
more soon..... |
