Well my friends, what a couple of days, hat a couple of days. The journey in to hospital was the worst journey of my life, up at the crack of dawn, well, I say 'up', I hadn't really been to sleep due to my piles so I was dead on my feet and to top it off I was fasting, not even water, for 6 hours before the scan, so I couldn't even have a coke to perk me up for the journey. Vomited just before we had to leave as my mouthwash-that-I-swallow hit my stomach, it cane straight back up. And the lack of fluid intake meant the sick was very solid so it was akin to having a poo out of my mouth, solid pukes are so much more distressing than liquid pukes. And then I recovered but I needed a shit, which was had with great pain and we we walked up the road with me almost crying with pain. Naturally the train was packed as it was rush hour so I sat on top of the case trying to stay awake. The tubes were obviously a mare too with them sporadically shutting victoria for overcrowding. Eventually got one and it was a huge struggle to even stay awake while holding on to the rail above, I was certain I was going to collapse. A seat came free and I dived in before this woman who looked a bit miffed and gave me a bit of a black look so I told her I wouldn't normally do it but I'm very ill and feel close to collapsing and she understood and smiled in that 'is he mad or just telling the truth?' type way.
Got in to the hospital and sat on the bed and just wanted to melt in to it but I had to canulated and down to CT scan straight away. They did that and off I went. The CT scan has the auto pumped injection that goes in just before scanning through your canula, putting the dye in your system which makes you feel like you've wet yourself. First attempt and canula leaked everywhere, he messed about with it and in I went again and this time the tube of the canula rather dramatically exploded when the fluid auto pumped in. It was obviously blocked but the pump won't know that and will just keep on trying to pump. Which meant I was left a bit shocked, alone inside this donut saying rather meekly 'errr....it's exploded', but they were in their separate room and obviously didn't hear. they were surprised at events when they pulled me out of the tunnel and I was sent back to the ward to be recanulated. so, still no chance to sleep. Recanulated and back down again and it all went smootly. At last, resting time! Before some spod comes to look at my piles and arsehole later on, that is.
Got a bit rest in then surgeon fella comes in. The missus leaves and I roll on to my side with the male nurse in front of me and doctor obviously behind. I manage to lower my trousers just at the back so I'm not displaying my cock to the male nurse. He gets his hands in there then asks the male nurse for...a torch. Which kinda makes you laugh. He had a mini one in his pocket but he was keen as mustard to get in there so offered to shine the light for the surgeon while he looked. Two men staring at your bottom with a torch, only in a hospital. He said my piles are very small so didn't want to operate and gave me some mega anesthetic creams instead, which work in 15-20 seconds. And they are most effective so although I still suffer some pain actually shitting, the post pain is knocked on the head very rapidly. A HUGE relief. And nice to hear they aren't bad.
So I enjoyed many a cack. Unfortunately my bowels were a little too keen at one point and as I was desperately trying to get the oddly triple wrapped bogroll out (why had the missus put it inside 2 bags?), I have to have my bog roll in the toilet before before as the 'cushion', as explained before, it started to come without my permission. Normally I can cross my legs, stave it off for and it sort of retreats and goes 'go on then, you've got 30 seconds'. I went to do this but made the critical error of putting my weaker leg behind me to form the block, instead of right behind left, which is strong. So the shit just came out and I fully shat myself. Amazingly my pants maintained containment (I'd recommend those tight fit 'trunk' pants (bower shape but molded round you) if you ever have bowel problems. top tip there folks) so there was no floor cleaning to do. Pants off, shite finished, large scale clean up involving many sheets of bog roll and aloe vera wet wipe. Pants are unsalvagable really so the go in to a plastic bag and sprayed with LOTS of dettol spray before being put inside two more knotted bags and in the bin. Phew.
Next day and lots of sleep and nintendo DS playing. Then came the news, chemo wasn't working any more and the CT scan showed 'advancements', which turned out to be the discovery of shadows on my chest. It looks like the games up folks, but that's for another blog which will follow shortly, stay tuned ;-) (I wanted to do one of those japanese emoticon winks but I can't remember how) |
