alright everyone?,
well, I'm feeling quite crap. My pile problem looked like it had gone but has now returned so I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and take the dignity holiday and get them banded next time I'm in hospital. But I've sacrificed my dignity many times before now so I'm sure I can do it again. I got a better nights sleep last night but still had two incredibly hot shits in the night which meant staying up for half an hour watching sky sports news with frozen peas on my arsehole while going 'ooooo, ahhhh, fuck, ooooo, ahh, owww'. I just feel really 'drawn' at the minute. I suppose my lack of movement outside the flat won't exactly help bbut I'm too scared to go out at the minute. The lack of sleep has meant I've found myself getting more depressed than usual and I had one of those 'you're going to die one day' moments the other day, it just made me feel ill to think about it. My heart raced and I just had to get the missus to come and give me a hug on the settee and all felt well again. I suppose if you get old and die you are much more accepting of your fate whereas I feel dying young would, well, err, shit, as you'd have no lifetime of memories to look back upon and your body hasn't become frail and weak and ready for death. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't. I feel so lost, my only salvation is my wife and the words of my family who are too far away to actually be around for any significant amount of time. I do miss them. But the missus is so vital to everything, I couldn't face any more if it wasn't for her, she fills me with hope, with life, with love, with comfort, with adoration. If it wasn't for that I would question my very reason for being here, am I just meant to suffer? When will the suffering abate, even for a minute? Really, the last thing I needed was these piles, as if chemo wasn't hard enough. As soon as I get over one thing along comes another to test me and push me. Oh I dunno, I'll shut up and go and sit on some peas, laters. |
